Twelfth, Sensual Chi-Chi.
During the first hours of the morning, the other morning, where the sun has already risen, not where the stars still own the sky, Chi-Chi finds herself in the standing before Goten's bed, sorting out his clothes and sheets from the three laundry baskets at her feet. Her thoughts, though, are far away from the task that her hands are automatically performing, without the influence of her conscious brain. While her hands perform their work, her mind finds a cold home in thoughts of Goku.
It's been three days since he apologised, but her problem is still exactly the same as then.
He was thoughtless, and that remains the entire problem keeping her from moving on.
Somehow, no matter how hard she's tried so far, she can't seem to get over that very fact. Of course, she wants to, she really wants to be over it and move on from it, but she just can't seem to climb over that wall of him being thoughtless, enough to do something recklessly stupid. Her legs seem to be weak (most likely unwilling, she'll probably discover, if she gives it proper thought) to make the attempt of beginning to climb over the wall emotionally separating him from her.
If only she could get over the fact that he was thoughtless…
She and him, would have a normal conversation with him, for one thing. She would allow him to massage her feet one night that same night too. And if there remained some amount of time after that, they would decadently indulge in one other –preferably carelessly frenzied, if he's willing. Then at the end of it all, he would stop sleeping all the way on the other side of the bed, and rather snuggled to her.
But aah, a mental sigh surfaces, if only she could move past his thoughtlessness…
What gets her the most, is that it clearly wasn't an impulsive thing that he did, placing an assassination bounty on his own life.
She believes it to have been a carefully calculated plan, which he thought of for at least longer than five minutes, before making the decision to contact Whis with the proposal. Whis, although she's only had two real conversations with him, seems like a well intellectual being, who would've questioned Goku's methods, before he gave in. Believing all that within her, then it's most likely that on one of the days (or nights) when he held her in his arms, or when he was playing around with Goten, or even engaging in something all three of them did together as a family, in the back of his mind, he was thinking of the best way to go about getting Hit to fight him seriously.
How can that thought not get her the most?
What person in the world, with the ability to feel, would not feel entitled to feeling cheated that way?
When he gave his plan to contract Hit sufficient thought, not to mention, how he took a good sum of money from their savings to properly contract Hit, all through a period where he was happily home with them, but didn't once consider that he would be hurting anyone in the process, he cheated on their familial trust. He cheated on his sons, who adore him with their beautiful hearts, and definitely on her, the woman dedicated to keeping their family together with her love for all of them. He didn't once put them in his plan, as though they all mean nothing in his life.
Sheer thoughtlessness, is what he exercised, and she just can't get over that.
She's tried, though. She really has.
She's tried to get over it, by talking to all the people that matter in the mess, thinking that she would get better clarity from them, to help her move on from it. Piccolo, Gohan and Goten all told her that when they found out what Goku was up to, he at least had the decency to ask them if he could be selfish, and fight to his heart's content with Hit. Apparently, Goten hadn't been willing to easily accept that, and Goku wouldn't go without Goten's permission, but Goten eventually understood that he could trust his father to fight with all of his might and not lose. All that, should've given her a different perspective, she guesses, only, it rather only made her wonder if he did that, because they found him out, or because he wanted to ask them either way.
Much like she wonders about his apology to her, to be honest.
She knows that he was sincere about his apology, that he felt what it meant to be sorry at the time of his apology, but she wonders, had he not felt what she made him feel on purpose, would he have apologised to her at all? There's always that little difference between wanting to do something, because it was so-to-speak mildly forced on you to realise, and wanting to do something, because you realise it yourself, and that little difference, is what matters to her in this case with her husband.
To be completely honest, though, she wishes that little difference wasn't an issue for her.
The thing is, she's not comfortable with Goku walking on his toes around her, because of that issue. She doesn't like that he is censoring himself, and well, not being himself around her, because he is afraid that she will explode on him. She's tired of having her husband around, but not being able to have him really, in any small or big sense, because there's a wall that issue between them.
She's just… It's just…
The fact that he made space in his mind to think of something so serious, without realising the effect that it would have on those around him, emphasises his thoughtlessness to her, and that just makes it that much harder to accept his apology as something whole and curing between them. That's why she's having a hard time truly moving past it.
That he died, even though she mentioned it to him as something significant, she doesn't care all that much for. She wouldn't have liked for him to die permanently, obviously, but had it come to that, Goku has an abundance of godly friends, who would've easily resurrected him, where Shenron and Porunga couldn't. And to be honest, she has experience with dealing with his death, so it would've have felt like the complete end of the world. After all, after some time of being exposed to something, a small resistance starts to build…
But oh… These thoughts aren't helping her.
It's because she keeps replaying these same thoughts over and over, as she does her chores, while she relaxes, when she tries to eat, or at whatever time of the day when her mind is conscious, that she is not able to properly find a way to push past them, and she only has herself to blame.
She doesn't know, maybe she likes to have something over him. Maybe she's finally manifesting a hidden grudge that she's been holding in for all the years that he's been away, making her suffer everyday as a result. Although she's not aware of any grudge within her, she might have one, and from there comes her inability to let go this, with him, this time around. She did tell him that this time is different…
But if only it wasn't so…
26Chapters
'Goku...' she softly tries for his attention.
She's making sure to keep the tone of her voice low enough not to startle him, or have him on the balls of his feet in a second, because honestly, that's how it's been since that dinner at Bulma's. The fact that he is sitting in the sofa, only moving a single dumbbell from one hand to another with no effort at all, says to her, that he just needs one opportunity. He could've very well been training, or even working in the field, if not visiting his friends, but he's choosing to spend his afternoon here, bored out of his mind, because he is clearly trying to create a connection path between them, for her to forgive him.
'Chi-Chi...' he breathlessly welcomes her after carefully lifting his head, and turning it to the sound of her voice.
More than his expression makes her wonder if she changed the sound of his name, to something that he hasn't ever heard, he looks ready to get up from his seat, if she says the word, or gives the signal. Detecting that, Chi-Chi quickly holds out her hand to stop him from getting up, following that hand gesture with moving to take a seat beside him, in case he internally starts to panic that she's finally reached the final line of mercy. Once she's seated next to him on the sofa, he turns his body, making it so that their faces are directly facing each other.
'Chi-Chi, I'm sorry for not telling you about Hit,' his sorrowful apology begins. 'It wasn't right of me, and you have to know that I wasn't planning to tell you about it, because I knew that you would try to stop me. I still think about how you jumped to me, when I fell out of the ring during my fight with Frost, and...'
'It's not even that you didn't tell me,' she lets him know, because really, that's not it.
Yes, that little piece of information, she didn't know before now, but as minimally as it should be a consolation, it's not. She rather finds that it's only helping to stack up against the one that thing she is struggling to let go of. She already knew that he knew that he would possibly die, but this new piece of information, is just more proof of his thoughtlessness.
'I kind of know that,' he timidly admits, lowering his head a little, 'but I just want to apologise for everything.'
'You already did that,' she reminds him.
The problem isn't his apology. No, his apology, she doesn't necessarily need to hear again, because she believed it to be true and sincere from the moment that he said it. He somewhat disheartened by her reply, she notes, and it sounds clearly in his response.
'I know, but I want to do it again. I was waiting for you to accept that, but it's been so many days, and I just want to apologise again.'
Of course he wants to apologise to her again, she internally sympathises. He wouldn't be himself if he didn't want to make things right for her, as they should be.
'You don't have to,' she tries to assure him.
Just as she thought would happen, her words alone aren't enough to put him at ease. Instead, he looks unconvinced, and the words that come from his mouth, support that appearance of his.
'I want to, okay, Chi-Chi?' he pleadingly insists.
In her mind, she sees him reach for her hand, and gently smooth it in his own, to make her see that this is important to him. That isn't their physical reality, but his pleading confession is the right tug on her heart, to make her understand that he's dying to just what she saw in her mind.
'I know, Goku,' she says, especially adding his name, to say that she wants to touch his heart for comfort too, more than the faint smile that she is showing him, could ever do.
'Then let me...' he begs. 'Please.'
It's all I can do, he doesn't verbally say, although, the rest of him does. Without speaking the words, she knows that he apparently feels useless to solve this problem between them, and so he wants to cling onto the one thing that he is able to do (and mean with all of his soul) for as long as he is able. More tones of sympathy, seep into her heart, burdening her so much, that she feels only cornered to relieve herself of that specific pressure.
'I accept your apology,' she automatically decides tells him.
Quite unlike she immediately thought, his features remain unchanged, telling her that he doesn't believe her. It's an endearing child-like trait of his, that she would, at any other time appreciate about him, but when she adds how he averts his eyes away from hers, and then slightly drops his head down, she can't help it question if she's being sincere with him, or simply said what she said, to make herself feel better.
'Then why are we still not okay?' he quietly wants to know, keeping his head hung down. 'What do you want me to do?'
'I don't know,' she sadly admits.
That answer gets him to lift his head and look at her, as though his eyes searching hers, will do the adequate job that his question couldn't. She hopes that in her eyes, he will also discover that she really doesn't know, that she only knows that his thoughtlessness, is something that she just can't work around. Another truth that she wants him to find in her eyes, is how she wants to reach him, be crazy close to him, and share what they always share when he's at home, but she just can't reach over that wall, and she truly doesn't know what's keeping her from breaking it down.
'If you don't know,' he seems to mourn, 'then I won't know what to do.'
That much is clear, she silently agrees, her heart aching to soothe him. He's right in saying that if she doesn't know what she wants from him, he won't know what to do about it, but the thing is, she can't ask him for more time. Time is all that he has been giving her these long days and night, so maybe (she thinks of this on the spot) the next best thing, would be for him to leave, and just be away from her, especially if he's uncomfortable with being in this situation. Who knows, maybe she might even be able to work out herself in the meantime.
'Goku, if you don't want to be here,' she tells him, 'you don't have to be.'
She's not going to obligate him to stay with her, simply because she is not over what happened. If he is suffocating, then he has that right to leave. She would prefer that he doesn't leave, of course, that he sticks out all the uncomfortable ambience with her, by her side, but she can't make him stay if it's breaking him. It wouldn't be fair that way, it would just be a form of begrudged revenge.
'What do you mean?' he asks with a confused frown.
'I mean...' she pauses to let a steadying second go by, and then continues. 'You can leave, if you want. I don't want you to, but you can leave.'
Pulling a face, he asks, 'Like leave the house? I know that. I just want to be here today.'
'Not really the house...' she mumbles, because this isn't really the conversation that she wants to be having with him. 'Well, yes, I guess the house, but...'
How does she say this? Seeing his innocently unaware and waiting expression, and feeling her own need to stumble on the proposal, so that it doesn't come out the right, she just wonders how she will tell him that he can leave for wherever it is that he will be comfortable.
'But what?' he asks.
'I mean... If you don't want to be in this with me, like this, you can leave.'
She knew, even before the words left her mouth, that they wouldn't be meeting each other in the middle on this, so when we spends a good moment only looking at her, his eyes going all over her face and finally settling on her eyes, she's not in the least surprised. She understands that while she is here, at this spot, where he is supposed to meet her, he is faltering in his steps, to get to her. The wait for him to reach, is quite something of agony in her soul, that it almost sounds like her very soul is vibrating in fear on when he does reach her.
A small whisper would be nice, she thinks, because it would distract her from the sound of her soul in agony for waiting. As his eyes remain on hers, she wishes that a sound, anything really, outside would announce itself, distracting her from the waiting, until he finally reaches her.
'You're joking,' he finally, but softly states.
That's the conclusion that he has come to, apparently, and she finds that the silence before he spoke, was a touch better than his statement. All over again, she will have to go through the nerves of speaking the words she has no need to say, if he still doesn't understand her next answer.
'I'm not,' she shakes her head.
For another good moment, he silently looks into her eyes, and then his countenance significantly falls. Even though her eyes are set on his, she vaguely sees his chest and shoulders rise, signalling the beginning of an unexpected serious emotional attack. She hears a soft thud of a sound, leading her eyes to see what happened to cause that sound, and find that the dumbbell that had been in his hand, is now rolling away from them.
She would almost safely assume that in the rush of the moment, he lost grip of it and it fell out of his hand, if she didn't know better than for Goku to let go of something in his hand in that way. He is usually the type to hold on tight when he gets a surprise, not let go. In short, she knows that he deliberately let that dumbbell fall from his hand, so when he shortly gets up, she's not surprised, because everything preceding this, pointed to his being unsettled.
'Fine, I deserved that thing you did that with Whis,' he sourly states. 'But this? We're not married for fun, Chi-Chi. You think this is a game we're playing?'
That is how he took what she said? She can't really blame him for thinking that, to be honest. What, with her not really taking his apology and now telling him that he can leave if he wants to...
'That's not what I meant,' she quietly starts to explain, finding it really hard to keep her seat when he is on his feet before her.
'I don't care what you meant!' he cries. 'You can't say scary things like that! It's like you want me to leave. It's like we're living in this house for fun! Don't say things like that, it's not funny.'
'I know it's not funny,' she urgently returns, 'because that's not what I meant.'
He should know. She really didn't mean to make it sound like she doesn't value their family or his being here. She only wanted him to know that he has that option to not be stuck with her, if that makes him uneasy. She didn't mean to make him lose his mind with anger. But on the other hand, she's feeling a little petty satisfaction for the fact that he is displaying seriously bothered behaviour this way. Not that he didn't have feelings before, but it's really good to know that he's capable of feeling the effect of an idea before it becomes an actual reality.
'Just don't say it again,' he tells her after considering her, crossing his arms and coming back to sit with her again.
'I really just wanted to tell you that I want to let it go, but I just can't,' she tells him. 'That's why I came to you. It's just Goku... Being part of this house, is a full-time job. Being a mother and wife is a full-time job. Worrying about all of you is a full-time job. Worrying about this house is a full-time job too, so I...'
'You want me to take some jobs from you?'
It really sounds like he's offering more than he's asking to clarity, which makes her let out a little laugh. Just to consider the option of relinquishing her jobs to him, is a little humorous to her. She can't even begin to imagine him getting everything done, from A to Z, without uttering a single complaint, or at the very least, falling asleep from sheer disinterest. The idea is a little laughable.
'Wouldn't that be nice?' she humours him. 'I could take a holiday somewhere, and leave you and Goten by yourself for a while.'
Expressing shock more than it sounds in his voice, he asks, 'You... Want to go?'
'Sometimes, yeah,' she admits with a small nod. 'But that's not what I meant.'
Despite her answer, he doesn't look like he believes her. If anything, he rather looks like he wants to take back his offer to help her with her jobs, if it means that she will leave him and Goten by themselves.
'You need to start saying what you mean, not what you don't,' he complains in any case.
That's not fair, she defensively thinks. He's the one taking everything that she is saying, some way that she doesn't intend. It's like he's twisting every word from her mouth, to make it sound like what his guilt is needs to hear.
'Look,' she starts as gently as she can, 'I'm partly saying that if you can't bring yourself to constantly remember that there are other people who are a part of your life, then maybe leaving is good for you. That way, you won't have to think about anyone but yourself, and we won't ever know of the choices that you make.'
'It sounds like you're chasing me out,' he says.
'I'm not chasing you out.'
'It sounds like you are.'
To him, she supposes that it may be like that, because after all this time, although they've continued to live amicably, she just hasn't been able to let it go. Not because of maliciousness, though, if that matters to him at all. She rather suspects that it is more from feeling like she is alone when she is supposed to be in it with him. But even so, in which universe, no matter how 'not okay' they are, would she ever chase him away from her?
'I would never do that,' she says to him. 'You should know that.'
'I just want us to be the same as before,' he says after her, that way explaining himself, 'and it doesn't feel like we will be. I'm sorry about that. I'm sorry for everything. I know that I can't make you accept it, but I am sorry.'
'We will be okay,' the assurance boldly leaves her mouth, even though she has no proof of that at the moment.
26Chapters
In the morning, the next morning, she opens her eyes, and as always, she sees that he is way on the other side of the bed. For the last week and some days, she didn't so much give thought to their situation, but something about this morning makes her stare at his turned back and start to think.
They are in the same bed, and yet so separated.
How did she allow this thing between them to stretch out so far between them, that air is now separating them in bed, where before, air could not even come between them? How did she allow him to get out of reach from her? Has she really just been afraid of letting go, because accepting his apology and moving on, would ultimately mean that he would up and leave them again, at the first opportunity? It wouldn't surprise her much, if that has been the underlying argument within her subconscious, pushing her to hold on to not accepting his apology.
Isn't his remorse enough for her, though?
Holding onto his thoughtlessness, is withholding her forgiveness from him, and shunning his remorse, as though it means nothing to her. She's essentially saying to him, that his careful consideration throughout all of these days, and his deliberate actions of helping her where he could, just so she could see that he was willing to do anything to win back her usual self, is nothing at all to her, that it holds no value, when that isn't really the case.
She wonders, who is she really?
What is she doing being this way with her husband?
Why is she allowing his back to the what she wakes up to? Does she not remember all those previous mornings when she woke up to nothing on the other side, and her heart ached with longing for him? When did she forget the deep sense of missing a vital extension of herself, when he wasn't there with her? How come she is allowing him to be here with her, and far away from her at the same time? What will happen when some other evil suddenly shows up, and he is forced to sacrifice himself this every day, and he would've left the house without being at peace with her?
No, this needs to end.
This is selfish of her.
She realises now that there is nothing more that he could've done. He saw what she wanted him to see. He felt what she wanted him to feel, and he apologised with genuine sincerity. There's really nothing more that he could've done to convince her, because it's been her all along. Of course, this acceptance of responsibility is not to nullify her case against him, but in the end, none of it will matter, to be honest. Yes, what he did was not right, but it's over, and holding it over him will not solve or change anything, it will just further alienate him, when he's chosen to remain right here with her. So... This is it, this is the end of it.
Rolling over to him, she begins to shake him and calls his name once. It takes time, and a few more shakes than just the initial three, but he finally rouses from sleep and turns around, to sleepily look at her.
'Hey, is something wrong?' he wonders while studying her face.
'No,' her head shakes. 'I just wanted to tell you that we're okay now.'
She'll admit that her home, occupied by Goten and Goku, is a precious field of endearing treasures, especially when they make certain expressions. Like his current one of happy disbelief upon hearing her declaring them over that unpleasant phase of their lives, fills up her lungs with fresh alleviating air.
'Really?' he tentatively asks, pushing his body closer to hers.
Her only response, seeing as he is only a second from making contact with her, is to nod. She supposes that she should make some long speech, a speech filled with an explanation, but she feels that he doesn't need it. Only to hear that they are fine, is perfectly enough for him. It's so enough, that he grabs her face and pulls it to him, to plant a happily sloppy kiss on her lips. Afterwards, he releases her face, to prop himself on his elbow and look at her adoringly.
'We're really okay,' he savours that, sounding too grateful for it.
'We're really okay,' she whispers her confirmation with a smile.
Finally, she feels relieved. Relieved that now she can smile, with no reminder in the back of her head, telling her that all is not well with her and her husband. Because of that, both of them spend a good amount of time simply looking at each other and drinking in this overdue comfortable peace between them. What she loves the most about this, is how established they are in their relationship, that not many words are ever needed to smooth something out between them. While she did take her time to get them here, there's no real need to iron out every crease that had been her resistance and refusal. All that matters now, is that they are fine, she is relieved, he is relieved and they are both here.
'I love this day,' he finally breaks through the silence.
'It's morning,' she corrects him, which reminds her that there's breakfast to be made. 'I have to get up.'
'Noooo,' he whines, reaching his arm out to pull her into him.
Selfish, she fondly thinks, barely keeping a small smile from her face. He wants her to stay in bed with him, conveniently forgetting that Goten has to eat an hour and a half from now, when he wakes up for school. It's selfish of him to want cosy time with her in his arms, until he feels it's time for him to get out of bed.
'There's breakfast...' she tries to reason with him.
Because she is pressed into him, with only her head being a good shot away from his, her eyes take in his face for a moment, and when he smiles at her, that sweetly happy smile of his, beautiful enough to transform the bleakest of days, a tender hunger for him begins to swell inside of her. She would be surprised at the sudden occurrence of it, seeing as she had no intention of wanting that from him this morning, except, they've reached a wonderful page of reconciliation and it reminds her of what a man she's been missing all the days before.
After showing him a small smile, she frees one of her hands trapped between them, to cup around his throat, gently pull his face into hers. She can't be sure of who completes the rest of the way, she or him, all she knows is that they each act individually when their lips touch. Where she's trying to be gentle and not kiss him forcefully, or urgently (more accurately this), Goku is attacking her lips furiously. This is not what she intended, and yet, she allows him his urgency for a small moment, because he's been deprived for a while.
As soon as that moment is over, though, she hooks her leg around his back, to keep him close to her, because pulling away from the kiss as she will do in a second, will make him feel robbed. The surprise that hits her when she pulls away, though, comes way too fast for her, that she only comes to realise that is flipped on her back, and now both her legs are around his body, trapping him between her. She didn't expect that he would do this, more than she thought he would try to pull her in for another kiss, which is why the surprise hits her so hard for a while.
'I missed you,' he confesses, only, the sound of his voice is very unlike its usual self.
She suddenly wishes that their bedroom had adjustable lights, so that she could turn the lights down and create the perfect atmosphere for him. But a morning like this one, is all right too, she can welcome its newness just the same as she would've welcomed the dimmed light of night. While she does understand that he's been starved of even the smallest of touches recently, she wants this to be special for him. She wants to cater to him in a timely manner, with her leading everything.
'I know, but you're supposed to let me,' she whispers.
'Later. I promise,' he responds, quickly moving his hands to take her face between them.
She doesn't allow him that, though, because it's important to her, that they have a slow and patient time. Considering that he's been generously patient with her all this time, she just wants to paint it very clearly, what she thinks of him for doing that for her. Plus, she didn't even get to tell him the reason for her letting this go, so this should make up for every sentence that she didn't give him.
'No,' she declines by holding onto his wrist. 'Just trust me, and let me.'
Swallowing at first, Goku then nods his resignation. He begins to pull away from her, giving her the silent go ahead, but for her own heart, she keeps her hold on him, to take a small moment to indulge in just looking at him.
'I love you, Goku,' she prefaces before going any further.
She hasn't said it to him in days, and right now is when she feels it the most. The reconnection after a disconnection, is the best opening for her to feel overflowing with love.
'I love you too,' he hoarsely replies.
He leans in for a kiss then, apparently finding that as an opening, and she smiles (softly laughs actually), at his impatience just like a child's. He clearly knows that he's getting a present specifically to make him happy, but he just wants it already.
'You suck at waiting,' she laughs.
Only when he wants to suck at it, though, she mentally reminds herself. He can be patient, and he does have the ability to make himself suffer through waiting when it matters the most, it's only that for the most part, when it comes to him being at home, he forgets that word every ten seconds.
'Waiting is sooo hard,' comes out a lamenting whine from his mouth, leading him to bury his face in her neck.
It must be hard for him, she reasons, which is why she doesn't waste anymore in directing him onto his back. In the process of rotating them, she detaches herself from him, leaving her neck free, as well as her legs from around him, so that when his back softly makes contact with the mattress, she's able to see his open mouthed gasp. Automatically, her mind redirects altogether, and suddenly all her mind can see, is her mouth pulling him deeper into her deeper into it…
That would be a good place to start, her mind tells her. But no…
She has to remember... Of the two of them, he is the more sensitive. When he's fully charged, his tactility is explosive to touch, and he just... Whatever suppressed form of energy that he had from before, is automatically shifted from being hidden, to adrenaline. His adrenaline then becomes a liquid heat in his veins, flowing wildly with a rush and pushing his body to feel the most extreme of needs to pounce and connect wildly. She on the other hand, feels more love during sex after an uncomfortable time, because she knows that they survived yet another obstacle between them, and so, she likes to give as much love as she feels.
To her, in this moment specifically, the fact that they can willingly touch each other, is proof that forgiveness has happened between them, and they are right with each other once again. Although, it's more important for her to convey her love and ease to him, through enticing all of his senses until he feels properly overwhelmed in his body, leaving him no choice but to shift the overload of sensations in his body, to his heart instead.
'It'll be worth the wait,' she leans down to say close to his neck.
She imagines that her breath on his neck has an effect on him, because his voice is a little shaky when he asks, 'You promise?'
He's not doubting her, she knows. He's merely confirming if she means for him to stop trying to take control of the situation between them, and she will merely assure him (with a loving smile) that well, yes…
'I promise.'
Thirteenth, Content Goten.