Sorry about no update last night... my internet was down due to the fucking awesome snow which now covers everywhere! I'm starting to get into the festive spirit now!

Thank you so so much for the comments, I know I sound like a broken record but you guys really are awesome, and a special thanks to those who have messaged me, it really means a lot! Feel free to message, I will reply, even its just a bollocking for where this story is at at the minute lol.

Chapter 12

My pulse picks up, my heart shatters as I look at the broken girl sat beside me. She's so broken, I can sense it, I don't even need to look at her to be able to tell. Her breathing is shallow, her hair is messy, due to the incessant ruffling she keeps doing. My mouth opens to say something, but I realise there is absolutely nothing I can say to rectify this situation.

My heart is still beating a thousand times a minute, the previous action currently running through my mind, like an annoying song that you can't get rid of.

It meant a lot to me, that is completely undeniable, but at the same time, I'd take it back. I'd do everything in my power to make this sight in front of me disappear. If that involves going back in time three weeks and never coming back, never seeing her, nothing. I'd do it, because seeing her like this is something I cannot bear. She sighs, and I jump a little. My tear filled eyes blink, causing one stray, lonely tear to fall down my blushing cheeks.

"Say something" I say, so quietly, so heartfelt that as she shakes her head, my eyes fuse themselves shut, in fear of her turning round and looking at me, seeing those broken blue eyes is something I couldn't take.

"What do you want me to say?" She says quietly, and I open my eyes slowly, she's still not looking at me, her posture stressed, her head bowed, staring at her hands which are now fiddling with each other, "That shouldn't have happened"

"I'm sorry" I say, now my turn to look away,

"No you're not"

"I'm not sorry that it happened, Naomi, I'm sorry about the circumstances surrounding why it happened" She giggles to herself a little,

"I'm no better than you..." She laughs again, but I fear its to mask the sadness that is in her voice, "I'm worse than you in fact"

"How so?"

"You cheated on me... it broke my heart... it near killed me... and I've just done the same thing to Jimmy, only worse... I've slept with his best friend, I've lied, I've cheated, and I know full well how it feels to be cheated on" she laughs again, "And I cheated willingly... willingly, after knowing what I went through after you did it"

"He never has to know..." I say, hating the words as they fall out of my despicable mouth, hating the mere thought of lying more to him, of cheating him, of everything. Now she looks at me, "He doesn't"

"He'll know"

"No he won't"

"He already knows, he knows something is going on"

"What if I disappear?"

"What?" She says, her voice quiet,

"I'll leave... you'll never see me again... you can go back to Jimmy, like nothing ever happened, I won't stand in your way, I won't do anything, I'll leave, neither you nor Jimmy will ever set eyes on me again" She frowns, "If that is what you want" I clear my throat, clearing the tear that threatens again. Without hesitation, without breath, her reply almost knocks me off my feet, if I were standing anyway,

"I want you" She stares deep into my eyes, "I've always wanted you" she takes a breath, "Even after you cheated, after you left... I still wanted you, I loved you that much, I was willing to forgive and forget, but you never gave me the chance, if you had... we wouldn't be in this situation now" I'm flabbergasted, completely and utterly gobsmacked...

"And now?"

"I'm with Jimmy..." She looks away, "I may not love him how I love you, but I can learn to"

"Naomi-"

"No... You had your chance with me Emily..."

"But-"

"I know what I've said, I know what I've done... Don't you think I feel bad enough, without leaving him for a chance? For a few kisses and a quick fuck? Maybe what happened between us was a blessing in disguise, maybe we were never meant to be together, we might have never worked out... but Jimmy, he at least deserves a chance"

"Naomi, please... I know you're scared, I'm scared too, but please, don't do this" The tears are no longer stoppable, I can't contain them as she's running, she's running from me. "Please"

"You're right. I am scared, but Jimmy's good for me, he's a good man and I know he won't hurt me, ever... I can't lose that chance, I can't, I won't"

"I won't hurt you again, I've learnt my mistake, it was the biggest mistake I've ever made doing that to you Naomi" I sob, "Please, please just let me make it up to you, I'm promising you I will never hurt you again"

"But you are hurting me" She starts crying, but containing it better than I am, "I love you so fucking much... too much, so much that it hurts. Being around you, not being able to touch you, kiss you, it kills me Emily..."

"Don't throw it away, I'm here... I'm giving you what you want"

"Yeah, and Jimmy's heart is going to get broken, he doesn't deserve that. He's been great, he's a fantastic friend, an amazing boyfriend, he doesn't deserve this... he doesn't deserve any of this, Emily, it will change him. He loves me, I can't do that to him"

"So you choose him?" I wipe my eyes, forcing the tears to stop. "You choose him?" I repeat when she doesn't answer,

"I choose him" She says, wiping her own tears,

"Ok" I stand up, drumming up all the strength I can I walk to my room, grabbing a bag.

"What are you doing?" She follows me,

"Leaving, what does it look like?"

"No, you're not running away again"

"I'm not going to stay and watch you with him... this is bad enough, I can't watch you with him"

"Emily, please" She walks over to me, grabbing my hands, she stops me packing, I look up to her red eyes, she loosens her grip as her bottom lip starts to quiver. My hand lifts up and wipes away the tears that flow freely down her face,

"I love you too much to watch you with somebody else... I can't do it, I'm sorry"

"I can't lose you again"

"You made your choice, I don't blame you... I just wish things were different"

"I'm sorry"

"Don't" I walk away, packing some more of my things,

"Where are you gonna go?"

"My aunts again... I've nothing to stay round here for anymore" She's silent, watching as I pack all the things I need to, all the necessities.

All in all I pack around three bags, walking them to the front door and putting them down. I bring the last one out as Naomi stands at the door, holding one of them, "I'll take it to the car" She says, sniffing.

We're silent as we load them into my car. I hate this, I really wish I could take it back, I really wish I could... I slam the boot, both of us stepping away, I walk to the car door, opening it, but she slams it shut with her hand, "Stay" She says, leaning over me, but I walk around her, she turns and faces me, "Stay" She says again, and I feel the tears start again,

"I can't"

"For me?" My hand lifts up again, cupping her face. She leans into it, I lean in, kissing her softly on the lips. A brief kiss, and as I pull away I rest our foreheads together,

"I love you" I whisper. Her eyes well up again, but I walk away. I get into the car, closing the door, I start the engine, with one last glace I'm gone.

I can't bring myself to look in any of the mirrors, watch the mess that I've created. Instead of heading straight for Sal's I make one final visit.

As she opens the door I break down, my body falling to the floor like a sack of potatoes. My mother's arms surround me as she hugs me. She shushes me, like she used to do when I'd fall and injure myself, "It'll be ok" She says, but this only makes things worse. She lifts me up, taking me into the house. She sits me down on the couch and puts a cup of tea in front of me, waiting for me to calm down. My breathing finally steadies and my mother looks at me, in such a way that I've almost forgotten what it looks like... concern... love... all coming from my mother.

"What's happened?" She says, my shaky hands pick up the tea, blowing on it briefly before I take a sip, I place it back on the table in front of me and as I look into my mother's eyes, I realise that this i make or break.

As if one heartbreak wasn't enough, I had to chance two in the same night, "I'm gay" I say to her, she looks startled... her mouth falls open slightly as she looks at me again. She clears her throat.

"Right"

"Is that it? Aren't you going to yell at me, disown me? Hate me?" The tears threaten,

"Sweetheart" She tilts her head, "I love you. I know I haven't been the best mother in the world, but I'm trying to make up for it..."

"But you hate that I'm gay?" It's almost as if I'm asking for more heartache,

"I don't like it, but you're my daughter, no matter what. I accept you for who you are"

"Why don't I believe you?" I look at her warily, and she lowers her head,

"Emily, nothing you can say to me is going to make me lose you again. I've done some horrible things to you, unforgivable things, abandoning you now when you so clearly need me is only going to add to the guilt I already feel, do you understand?" I nod, blinking away another tear, "I know how it feels to lose you... I'm not about to do it again"

"Everything's a mess mum" I say,

"It may seem like it now... but it will get better"

"No. It won't. I'm in love with a girl... have been for years, she's one of the reasons why I left" I sniff, and my mum pays full attention to me, "I blew it... I came back for her, and I've blown it again"

"Maybe it wasn't meant to be" She says,

"She's in love with me too" Now she frowns, "It's complicated"

"Nothing's as complicated as it seems"

"It's Naomi" I sniff again, Number two shocker for mother.

"She's not in love with you" Oh for fuck sake,

"Katie, leave" My mother shouts, but Katie ignores her,

"Don't you fucking lie... she's in love with Jimmy"

"I'm not lying Katie... she loves Jimmy, but she's in love with me"

"I don't believe you"

"Believe what you want Katie, I really don't care at the minute"

"If she's in love with you, why isn't she with you?" Katie argues, and I roll my eyes,

"Because of the past, dumbass... she's chosen him..."

"You're a liar"

"Open your fucking eyes for once"

"I knew you coming back would ruin everything"

"Nothing is ruined, I'm leaving ok? Everything will go back to how it used to be, now fuck off"

"Katie, leave, now" My mother orders, and Katie does as she's told, "You're leaving"

"I can't stay... it's too much"

"But I've just got you back"

"I'm sorry... I can't stay, I can't see her with him" I feel guilty, because as I look at my mother right now, I realise that Jimmy's heart wasn't the only one at stake...

*************

I'll fix it! Don't worry