Chapter Eleven: Friend
Um. So before you get excited about there being two chapters in one day...yeah. Angst ahead.
When Jim woke up he was aching and hungover. He had been surprised that Bones would offer him alcohol when he had a head injury of all things, but he had needed it. His mind replayed the events of the night before and Jim lurched across the room to throw up in Bones' sink. Bones' apartment was small but comfortable, and Jim had slept on his sofa more than once. Bones didn't appear to be home though. There was a message waiting saying he'd gone to help out at a children's hospital. Jim smiled, good old Bones.
He mechanically begun his morning routine, getting into the shower and pulling on the clean shirt and jeans Bones had left out for him. They had lived like this when they had been at the Academy together. Before Jim Kirk was a name that everyone knew, before he had even met Spock. Even thinking his name sent a spasm of pain through Jim's chest, and he resolutely pushed it away. He pulled on the clothes (they even smelt like Bones' washing powder) and rubbed his stubbled jaw.
He took in a deep breath, but it didn't calm the frantic beating of his heart. He was going to go to the apartment Spock had rented and see if he was there, please be there. Jim could understand Spock's drive to save the rest of the crew, but the fact that he had never said anything really hurt. He couldn't imagine the Enterprise without Spock as his First Officer. It wouldn't be right. He tentatively touched the back of his head - his fingers didn't come away bloody, so he assumed that was a good sign. Setting his shoulders, he left the apartment and walked to where he and Spock's was. It was an hour long walk, but the weather was warm and a cool breeze drifted along the roads. Jim refused to let himself think too hard. It wasn't a problem he could solve on his own. Tentatively he reached for Spock through their bond but there was nothing. Just Spock's shield separating them. He choked back a sob, pressed his hands to his face and then carried on walking.
He knew before he even entered the room that Spock wasn't there. Still, Jim checked the kitchen and the bathroom and the bedroom, scouring every surface in case he had left him a note. But he hadn't.
Spock had left him.
Jim sat on the edge of the bed, their bed and tried to forget the moments that had been stolen between the sheets. He wished they had actually talked to each other, he wished he had told Spock he fucking well loved him. He wished Spock had told him about taking the fall.
I wish you were here.
Jim wished he had some alcohol. When his communicator buzzed he fumbled for it.
"Hello?" he breathed desperately.
"James? That you?"
Jim held the communicator away from his face in order to look at it disbelievingly.
"Mom?"
"Yes, honey. It's me. Are you alright? I heard some rumours about you and...well, there was an article saying your First Officer attacked you last night?"
Jim resisted the urge to smack his head against the wall. He probably could do without another head injury.
"I'm fine." he hated that his voice broke on the last word.
"James, I may not have been the best mother but I do know you. And I know you're not fine, and I want to help. I'm around anyway, how about we meet in a nice little cafe and you can tell me everything."
Jim sighed. He hadn't seen his mother for a long time. Her losing his father had, for want of a better description, fucked her up. She often had hysterical moments, and Jim could still remember the sting of her slaps when she had an episode. But it had been a long time - a long time since they'd seen each other, and even longer since she'd broken down like that. And it was his mum, and even though she had hurt him, blood was a tie that you couldn't ignore. Jim found that he didn't want to ignore it.
"Yeah, sure. Tell me where to meet you."
X
Winona Kirk looked as she always had. Her blonde hair was now streaked with grey and pulled into a wispy bun, but there was a smile on her lips that soothed Jim's soul. As he walked into the small cafe, she immediately hugged him. He was taken aback by how frail she felt against him, but he ducked down and breathed in her familiar scent. It was of home - a home he had left long ago, but still. It had been home once.
They sat down, and Winona ordered a tea. Jim ordered a black coffee. She touched his cast arm tentatively.
"Are you alright, James? Really. And I don't mean your arm, or your head. I mean you. Your..." she swallowed, looking frightened as she always did when she looked into her son's blue, blue eyes. George's eyes. "Your eyes look sad."
Jim smiled, and it was a real smile because she had looked him into the eyes and it was okay. She held his hand in both of hers, and they were okay.
"I'm...I suppose. Me and Spock, he's my First Officer...well. We were together. Only recently, he 'bonded' with me by accident which is like soul-mates I think, but then he got into trouble and I don't really know how he feels because we don't really talk and we argued and now-"
"He left." she said. Jim nodded and reached for his coffee, sipping it and then adding several sachets of sugar. Winona watched with a small, sad smile.
"I had a soul-mate. Oh, I know I'm with Frank now and he's a darling but there was no one else for me in the universe but your father, not really. And this man, this Spock...he obviously cares. I've seen you two on the news, and I'm not blind." she winked, "There's been something there for a while. James, don't...don't let him go. You're a fighter, a survivor and you never give up when it comes to being a Captain or that ship of yours. Don't let him go without a fight either...I didn't get the chance to keep my soulmate, but you could."
Jim blinked back tears of amazement and squeezed his mum's hands tightly.
"Dammit, mom. You're right, of course you're right."
Winona chuckled. It was good to see her James again. He'd grown up so fast, and it had been her own fault and he had deserved better. But he had fought, and he was a Captain, a man and a son that she would always be proud of and grateful to have.
The conversation turned to what she was doing and how was Jim's ship doing and about a million tiny things that didn't matter...but at the same time they did. It had been a long time for them, and at that moment, in that cafe they had all the time in the universe to make some of the wrongs they had done to each other right.
X
Jim had made up his mind as to what he was going to do. But first he had to find the damn vulcan, and that was proving difficult. The afternoon faded to evening, and no matter how many miles of the city he scoured, Jim could not find Spock. His bondmate.
He didn't know what to do, and so when an Orion with big lashes and a gentle smile offered him a drink, he took it and joined her in the bar. And then he took several more drinks, drinks that burnt his throat and made his eyes water and then he couldn't see straight anymore. He still took another drink, and he let the Orion kiss him. But it wasn't right, her skin didn't burn under his touch, her kisses weren't a mixture of uncertain and hungry. Her eyes weren't dark and she wasn't Spock.
Jim pulled away and shook his head. She pouted and ran a hand over his face.
"Baby, I can make you feel better."
She produced a tiny, silver pill on her fingertip. Jim looked at it, the light reflected in its shiny coating. Jim hesitated. It had been a while since he'd done any drugs - since he had joined Starfleet. He reached for Spock in his mind and found nothing and so he licked the tip of her finger and the pill dissolved on his tongue. Immediately his pupils blew wide open, the world suddenly louder and brighter and more colourful than it had been before.
The Orion ran her hands over Jim's neck, caressing his collarbone and this time her touch made him shudder. She smiled slyly and pushed her hands under his shirt, caressing his ribs and his muscles and kissing him on the mouth and her lips were the colour of strawberries.
Strawberries.
"I'll forgive you if you try one. Have you ever had a strawberry?"
"I...no. My mother was very fond of them, but we never had this fruit on vulcan."
"Jim, if you wish for me to cook you breakfast I must insist that you do not...distract me."
"Jim it is me. It is Spock, we've found you. The Enterprise is here."
"I missed you, Spock."
This is how vulcans kiss.
"You are everything that anyone could ever want."
"I dreamt it. When I was...when I was dying. Before you found me, that's were I was."
"...You didn't want to wake up?"
"No, I wanted to stay there with you."
Spock.
Jim tore his lips away and staggered from the bar stool. The night air hit him like a slap in the face and he turned to vomit violently into a nearby potted plant. The world was a kaleidoscope and he wanted to go home. He began staggering towards the apartment, stopping to throw up or to stare at his hand because it felt like it was melting.
He felt warm inside, and then he looked around and he saw him. The city looked different, he didn't know where he was and hadn't it been night? But it didn't matter because it was him.
"Spock?" Jim began to run, and it felt like he was flying, "SPOCK!"
Kirk caught up to Spock and grabbed his shoulder, turning the half-vulcan around.
"Spock! I didn't know where you'd gone, I'm sorry about everything, you were right-"
Kirk stopped. Something was terribly wrong. Spock's face was smooth, emotionless in a way that Kirk had not seen since they had begun serving together.
"Spock? Spock what's happened, what's wrong?"
"I participated in the ritual of kolinahr, the purging of emotions and dedication to the vulcan teachings. While my decision at the time was based on emotions, and not logic, I now see that this is the only truly objective state of being. Evidently, it would be illogical to continue our relationship as I can no longer feel any emotion towards you."
"Spock, please." Jim grabbed Spock's arm desperately, "I love you. I do. I want to be your bondmate, I mean it I'll do anything."
Spock just stared at Jim blankly. He felt nothing.
Please don't kill me?