Martin was dismayed when he saw me upon my return. I had done my best to avoid him, avoid going into the great hall, but Jauffre had refused to deliver the armor for me. The insufferable man had insisted that it was my job; that as I had retrieved it, I should deliver it and nothing else would do; despite the fact that I was limping, red faced, breathing hard and one arm was dangling precariously at my side.

I almost wished I had some excuse for killing the bastard, then.

But, I did as I was told and wandered into the hall with Jauffre trailing after me to meet Martin. He stood up from his table as soon as he saw me and the relief he displayed was a great comfort to me…until I got closer and my wounds were clear to him. He tried to speak to me about them, to apologize even as I was handing him the armor, but I cut him off brusquely…and perhaps a little unkindly. His apologies were of no use to me, for both of us knew that no matter how badly he felt for the dangers I was enduring; in another twenty-four hours he would have yet some other task for me. It was a frustrating position for us both, but there was no way out of what we were to one another: master and servant.

I finally dumped the armor on the table in front of him, mindless of his books, and turned to leave the hall. If he was going to be ridiculous about my injuries, there was no point in waiting around to hear him. My time would be better spent in recovery. I told him as much and left the hall without a backward glance. Though I could hear him calling after me, his voice commanding for once, I ignored it and continued on into the barracks of the temple. There I would find rest and first aid for my aching arm and thigh.

Caroline, who helped me dress my wounds, looked at me rather severely and I glared at her sullenly from the chair she'd made me sit in.

"What?"

She rolled her eyes and turned to wring out another bloody rag. "Nothing, Katherine," she murmured. I could tell she wanted to speak, though, and I encouraged her to voice her opinions freely. If I allowed my fellow Blades to persist in being scared of me, I would never learn anything about my future tasks.

"You disapprove of my tactics?" I questioned her.

She shook her head. "That's not it."

"What, then?" I hissed in pain as she peeled back the blood soaked slacks from my leg.

"It's the way you treat Martin," she replied softly, attempting to be more gentle in her ministrations. I caught my breath as she softly wiped away the congealed blood and body fluids that had built up around the wound.

"I don't know- what you mean." I winced and threw my head back, trying not to see stars as the pain swept over me again.

She left off her accusations when she saw the pain I was in. "Katherine…this wound is very bad. It may take days to heal- not to mention your arm…"

I looked down at the offending limb and grimaced. It was swathed in some sort of plaster and she had wrapped fresh linens about it and around my neck, cinching the arm close in to my torso so it wouldn't move.

"Can't some potions- or my magicka-"

She shook her head again. "No, Katherine. I already told you. You need to rest and regain all your strength before you dare deplete your stores any more. The exertions could kill you."

And that was all she would hear on the matter. That was how I found myself idle, four days later, standing at the battlements of the temple and leaning upon a crutch.

That was how Baragon found me.

And that was also how, with a very little encouragement on my part, we tumbled into a spare bed in the barracks later that afternoon while no one else was around. We were a tangle of lips and arms and tongues, gasping and writhing and pulling at one another with little heed to my bandages. It was just the way I liked sex: rough and quick- stolen amidst a day's hard work. It didn't take long before both of us were nearly naked and well on our way to pleasing our aching bodies; and my compact, Breton partner was well schooled in the ways of quick love making, it seemed.

That was how Martin found us.

I hadn't seen him in days, not since I had walked out on him in the great hall, and I could tell by the expression on his face that this was the last place he'd expected to find me…figuratively, of course. It almost made me giggle. For all he talked of a dark and brooding past, he seemed to know very little of the mercenary lifestyle.

And then I realized he was quite serious. He didn't even have to say anything to my companion; Baragon was up and out of the room even before he had tied his armor back on. I turned my head away from his retreating back and looked up at Martin, pulling the blanket over my exposed body with my arm.

"Katherine…" he whispered, his face turned away from me, eyes averted.

My eyes narrowed at his tone of voice. It was almost chastising. "Emperor," I replied evenly, determined not to let him make me feel bad. It was not I, after all, who had the luxury of sitting in a room studying books all day. Some of us had terrifying existences and sex would always be one of the best ways I knew how to expunge the horrors from my mind.

He couldn't keep his eyes from me at hearing my voice and looked at me. It was with surprise that I registered the hurt upon his face…and anger.

"How could you?"

I stood suddenly and I could tell he was taken aback by the motion. I stood at least as tall as he and my bare hips were exposed by the narrow blanket. "How could I what?" I asked, unwilling to pussy foot around the matter- whatever it was that was bothering him.

He frowned. "Engage in such immoral, inappropriate-"

"Excuse me?" I asked, feeling my own anger rise. Who was he to lecture me on immoral behavior after he told me himself he had led a dark and vile youth?

"You heard me, Katherine," he responded coldly. "Your behavior here is humiliating to myself and your station- not to mention the station of every one of your fellow Blades! You cannot consort with your fellow officers in such a manner!"

"Then who am I to consort with?" I responded, my expression cool.

"Do not speak to me that way! You have no idea the humiliation you have brought upon yourself!" he growled at me and I stepped back, suddenly fearful of Martin for the first time since I'd known him. He moved forward, matching my stride and reached a hand towards me, trying to stop my movement. His hand fell upon my yet broken arm and I gave a shout of pain and felt my knees buckle, sending me to the ground in a heap. He immediately withdrew his hand, sorry for his action and stepped away.

For the first time since I'd been initiated to the ways of womanhood, I felt shame. I looked down at myself, at my state of undress and how I must look to him- my emperor. Tears pricked my eyes before I felt the anger bubbling in me once again. What right had he to tell me how to act? I risked my life for an unknown cause every day of my life- surely I deserved to indulge in life's simpler pleasures every once in a while. Never mind the contempt he so obviously felt for my true nature- a loving, sensual being able to let her guard down when in bed…perhaps he did not find my body pleasing; perhaps he preferred his celibate existence to a woman's warmth. I glared up at him, not bothering to conceal my body or my hurt.

"I'm sorry my behavior displeases you, Martin, but I am only one of your Blades in name. I took the title so I could do my real job better, which amounts to no more than slavery for the cause of the Empire. If my sexuality- if the pleasure I derive from it is unpleasant to you, then pretend it does not happen! I answer to no man or god on this plane." Cradling my broken arm even closer to my body, I turned from him and begin to shrug back into the loose shift Caroline had made me wear. I did not hear a door opening or closing, however, and after a few moments he spoke again.

"Why, Katherine?"

I struggled to put my good arm though the sleeve and turned to stare at him dispassionately. "Why what?"

He was looking away again, as if ashamed of his earlier behavior and harsh words to me over such a natural act. "This is my true humiliation," he murmured.

I stared at him, bewildered. What was he saying? What could he mean with his strange words?

"Why is it," he continued quietly, "that you desire every man in the temple but the one who loves you?"

I felt tears pricking my eyes again and shook my head. He couldn't be saying what I thought he was…it wasn't right, it wasn't possible. But sure enough, Martin turned his head to face me once more and he reached out his hand again. Instead of grabbing me roughly, however, his fingers stretched out to stroke my cheek. We stood eye to eye, unblinking for several seconds before I shook my head again and stepped out of reach of his hand.

"Martin…" I mumbled. "I must go."

He let me walk away, up the steps and out the doors of the barracks. I reached the parapets of the temple and leaned over the side of one and heaved several times before I settled back and sat on the cold stone, shivering with my newfound knowledge.

It wasn't right. It wasn't possible. I thought I was the only one who felt that way- and when neither of us were allowed to feel it- could afford to feel it- then what did it matter? Why sat it at all? Was it possible Martin did not want to regret anything more in his life? Was it possible that not loving me would be such a regret? No, I told myself again and again. Perhaps after this is all over. At the least, you could be his mistress. Never his wife. They do not crown foreign peasants as queens in this Empire. Besides, we both had a job to focus on- the task of saving said Empire. Given to both of us by the previous emperor himself. I could not betray that vow for nothing…but was the love of Martin nothing? No, I told myself once more. It is everything.

Caroline found me a few hours later, still staring out into the cold, swirling winds and led me, shuddering, back into the warmth of the temple's walls. She led me, in fact, to Martin's quarters. Then, with an uncanny smile, she walked back down the hall and left me standing outside his door. There were no hesitations left on my part as I thought what to do next.

I went in, of course. What else was left?