Short swallow-flights of song, that dip
Their wings in tears, and skim away.
-Tennyson

On Tuesday morning, Kate was up first as usual. Castle woke to the sound of the shower, and roused enough to make a pot of coffee before she was done. He was sitting on the edge of the bed, sipping from his mug, when Kate emerged, wrapped in her fluffy robe.

"Morning," she said, her eyes lighting up when she saw the second mug on the nightstand. She made a beeline for it and took a slow sip, closing her eyes briefly in pleasure. "Thanks, babe."

"Morning, and you're welcome," he answered. He drained his cup, put it down, and reeled her in, tugging her closer to the bed, between his knees.

She smiled down at him, bending her head to brush her lips across his before straightening back up to take another sip of coffee. "Don't you want to shower?"

"Later." He took the cup from her hand, twisted to place it back on the nightstand, and then tugged at her hand again, pulling her off-balance. She squealed in surprise as her body hit the mattress, with Castle quickly rolling over her, bracing himself on his elbows above her.

"Good morning," he said again, and kissed her deeply. Her hands slid into his hair and she kissed him back. But when his hands began to roam, she disengaged and glared at him with narrowed eyes.

"Castle, I just got out of the shower."

"I know," he grinned, slipping a hand inside her robe. "You're all warm and soft and-"

"And we have a lot to do today," she interrupted, although he noticed that she wasn't making much effort to push him away.

"Mm. It can wait." He kissed her again, but then her words began to sink in. "Oh," he said, frowning. "We do have a lot to do."

Kate rolled her eyes lightly. "That's what I said."

"Yeah." He moved off of her, lying on his side next to her, his hand still on her hip as he contemplated the day in front of them. "Do you have a lesson with Roy today?"

Kate nodded. "I spoke to Evelyn this morning and she gave the go-ahead."

"That's good, right? He must be doing better."

"I think so," she agreed. "The doctors put him on a special diet to control his blood pressure, and between that and not being allowed to work for three weeks, Evelyn said he's pretty cranky. So she thought that doing my lesson would help his mood. I'm a distraction, in other words," she concluded with an amused smile.

"You're my favorite distraction," Castle replied, grinning. But then, turning serious, he asked, "Are you going to ask him about the drug ring and all of that?"

Kate's expression turned grim. "I guess I have to," she sighed. "I just... I hate to risk upsetting him too much. But we need to know."

"Yeah," Castle said. "We're getting nowhere on this case." He flopped over onto his back, staring up at the ceiling. "We still have some loose ends to follow up on, but aside from that, I'm stumped. How can we figure out which professors were involved with the drugs? And what about Forrester's source? If we could identify who it was, maybe that would get us somewhere."

"But there's no way to do any of that, with Forrester dead," Kate said.

"Yeah. Ooh!" he exclaimed as a new thought struck him. "Maybe Forrester faked his own death and it's actually him sending the notes."

Kate laughed. "Sure, babe. Except that Forrester would know Greg didn't participate in the drug ring, so there would be no reason to blackmail him."

"Maybe the notes were meant for someone else and Greg got them by accident."

"They were in envelopes with Greg's name written on them," Kate pointed out. Castle groaned and pouted.

"Come on, Beckett. I liked that theory."

"Sorry," she smirked. "But... maybe all we can do is wait for the next note to show up." She rolled onto her side, reversing their positions from a moment ago. Now she was the one looking down on Castle, and bending her head to kiss him. "If the blackmailer follows the typical mystery-novel pattern, there should be another note soon," she said against his lips.

Castle lifted his hand and tangled his fingers in her hair, pulling her mouth down onto his again. "That's true," he said breathlessly between kisses. "The next note would specify an amount of money, and when and where to deliver it."

"Mm-hmm," she hummed in agreement, kissing him more deeply, pressing her body against his.

"But we can't just wait around for that, Beckett. We have to do something."

"We are doing something, Castle. Pay attention," she husked with a glint in her eye. The robe slipped off her shoulders and slid away as she rolled on top of him.

Kate pretended to be annoyed about needing a second shower, but it was all for show and she knew that Castle knew it. Still, she drew the line at showering together. They did have an agenda for the day, after all.

When they were finally clean and dried off, they settled in at the kitchen table to make a modest breakfast out of bagels that Kate had bought the other day.

"What was that all about last night?" Castle asked as Kate was spreading cream cheese on her bagel.

"Hmm?" she said. "What do you mean?"

"In the taxi," he clarified. "You asked me if I feel unappreciated."

"Oh." Kate felt her face flushing. She hadn't meant to let that out, but the beer and the weariness had made her sappy. "That was nothing. No big deal."

"Didn't sound like nothing," he pressed. Kate dragged her eyes from the bagel and forced herself to look at him. He was gazing at her with that soft, sweet look of his, the one that made her stomach flip. The one that - as Lanie and then O'Leary had pointed out - usually made Kate go running for the hills. But not any more.

"I just..." She waved a hand in the air, unable to find the right words. "I just don't want you to think that..."

"Kate." Castle reached out, capturing her gesturing hand and bringing it to his lips. "You know it's not a competition, right?" When she didn't answer, he went on, "We both put work into this relationship. I'm the grand romantic gesture type, and you're not, but that doesn't mean you aren't giving me anything. Right?"

"Yeah..." she murmured, though she was aware that she didn't sound convinced. She stared down at their entwined hands.

"You think I don't know how hard you've been working to open yourself up for me?" he said softly.

Kate let out a little gasp as the words hit home. She hadn't even realized it, but... it was exactly what she needed to hear.

She lifted her head and met Castle's eyes. To her surprise, he wasn't smiling; his expression was entirely serious.

"We're partners, Kate," he said. "We're in this together."

"Partners," she repeated. She squeezed his fingers, and he squeezed back.

Then the grin she'd been expecting crept onto his face. "Besides," he said more lightly, "you secretly love the grand romantic gestures. And I love doing them."

"Not so secretly," she put in, feeling her own answering grin beginning to grow. He chuckled softly and nodded.

"Exactly. See, it all works out."

"I really love you, you know that?" she sighed, releasing his hand to pick up the cream cheese knife again.

His grin widened, and he nodded, reaching for his coffee cup.

"I love you too."

As they resumed eating, they both found themselves thinking about Greg's mystery again, and they discussed the case the whole time they were eating the bagels, but to no avail; they still had no new useful ideas.

When they had finished their bagels and cleared up, Kate nudged Castle to the bedroom to finish getting dressed. "You promised to go see the last of the dancer auditions," she reminded him.

"I know, I know." His thoughts were clearly still whirling around and around with questions about the case.

"While you're doing that, I can still get in an hour of violin practice before I go over to Roy's."

"I'll meet you there after your lesson," Castle decided. "We can get lunch and figure out what to do next, depending on whether Roy gives you anything new."

"Right." She sighed, feeling the corners of her mouth turn down at the reminder. She really wasn't looking forward to that conversation with Roy.

Leaving Castle to get dressed, she went back out to the living room and took out her violin. Her hands moved almost on autopilot, removing the instrument and bow from their case, checking and tightening the strings. She was still thinking about Roy, and the professors selling drugs at the school, and everything.

"Hey," Castle said, giving her a curious look as he appeared by her side. "Daydreaming?"

"Hmm? Oh... yeah, I guess," she admitted, flushing. There was something odd in her boyfriend's eyes, and she tilted her head at him, lifting her eyebrows inquisitively as she tucked the violin under her chin.

"The way you look at your violin," he mused. But he left the sentence unfinished, studying her as she turned her own gaze to the instrument. She ran her eyes down the length of it, past the bridge, the strings, her fingers on the neck, the tuning pins at the end.

It was an old friend, this violin, and more than that - a companion; a partner. It was so much more than just a piece of wood. But it also wasn't what it had once been, for her.

"It'll always be a part of me," she murmured, and turned her head back to Castle, who was nodding.

"Yeah." His eyes were distant, and she carefully laid her violin back down before turning fully to face him.

"Castle?"

He blinked, focusing in on her again. "Sorry. I... just some new ideas."

"Another song?"

"Not exactly." A slight frown creased his forehead. "I'm not sure yet." He glanced at his watch. "But I should get going."

"Right." Kate looped her arms around his waist and turned her face up for a kiss, which he gladly provided. "I'll see you after my lesson."

"Yep."

After Castle had left, Kate picked up the violin again, carrying it over to the piano to tune it. She took out her Haydn scores and began working through the symphonies. The music wasn't too complicated, but there were some tricky spots. It kept her thoroughly engrossed for an hour or so.

Then she put the violin away and did a few yoga stretches and some vocal warmups. She was in the bedroom, getting ready to change her clothes, when the phone rang.

"Hello?"

"Girl, you are in such trouble."

Kate winced. "Oh, hey, Lanie."

"Don't you 'oh hey Lanie' me. I have to open up the newspaper to find out that you patched things up with Castle?" She could just picture her friend standing with hand on hip, eyes narrowed in disapproval.

"Yeah... sorry about that. Really." Kate grimaced. "I should have called you."

"Damn right you should've." But then, predictably, Lanie's tone softened. "So things are okay again, huh? Javier said you two looked pretty happy yesterday."

"Yeah." A soft smile curved Kate's lips. "Yeah, we talked things out and we're good. "

"Actually talked? You, Kate Beckett? Talked about feelings?"

"Shut up," she grumbled, shaking her head when her friend's mellow laugh rang through the line.

"Good for you, girlfriend. Maybe you'll make this one work after all," Lanie teased. "So, we going out again or what?"

"Oh, I'd love to," Kate said, "but this week is going to be so busy getting ready for the concert. Next week would be better."

"Okay. Text me."

"I will."

Kate was smiling when she hung up the phone, but then she glanced at the clock and whirled into action. It was time to get dressed and head out to Roy's house.

Castle called Alexis from the taxi again, just to check in. It was the teen's last day of freedom, and she had a full schedule planned: last-minute shopping with friends, lunch with other friends, and then an afternoon of putting together her backpack, which was apparently a very important part of the school prep process.

"I might not have time to get home before the show tonight," he told her apologetically, but Alexis was unfazed.

"That's okay, Dad. I won't wait up. I need my rest for the big day."

"It's unnatural for a child to be this excited about starting a new school year, you know," he teased.

"I know, I'm the black sheep of the family," his daughter replied cheerfully, and he was chuckling as they said their goodbyes.

As the taxi wove its way toward the theater, Castle checked his watch and pursed his lips as he thought about the other errand he wanted to complete today, or soon. Really, they didn't need him for dancer auditions, did they? He could be a few minutes late, for something this important.

He leaned forward to call through the plastic divider that separated him from the cab driver. "Hey, sorry, but can we make a quick detour? It's just a couple of blocks over."

Roy himself opened the door for Kate this time, giving his usual restrained smile as he welcomed her inside. On the phone earlier, Evelyn had said that he was "feeling just better enough to be a menace - to himself and everyone around him." He certainly looked better than he had on Saturday, and seemed to be in good spirits.

The hard-backed chair was still sitting in front of the piano, and Roy's Carmina Burana score was open on the piano's music stand. "How was the rehearsal? Let's hear it," he said as he took his seat.

Kate sat on the piano bench next to his chair again, and told him all about the rehearsal. Roy nodded in recognition when she mentioned the names of the conductor and the other two soloists, and listened thoughtfully to her rundown of the movements. He asked how she had felt about the orchestra, the conductor, and the acoustics of the hall, which he was quite familiar with, of course. Then he quizzed her about her trouble spots in each song.

Satisfied with her answers, he nodded and gestured for her to stand up and begin her breathing exercises.

They worked through each of Kate's solos in turn. She could tell from how quickly Roy took her through the songs that he was pleased with her performance. If he had been dissatisfied, he would have stopped her more often, made her repeat particular phrases again and again.

After they had done all of the songs, Roy pulled out another score and handed it to her. "I know you're fully focused on this concert," he said, "but here's something to start looking at for afterward. Don't worry about it too much for now. Just take a look when you get a chance."

"Okay." She glanced at it, noting the title - Una voce poco fa, by Rossini - and tucked it away.

"Kate..." Roy heaved a deep sigh, and when she looked up from her purse, she caught her breath at the look on his face. She had never seen such raw distress from her normally stoic teacher.

"Roy?" she gasped. "What is it?"

"We need to talk," he said, his voice strained. Those ominous words, the same ones he had spoken in his message last week, sent a chill down her spine. Roy placed his hands carefully on the armrests of the chair and pushed himself up to his feet, scowling when she reached out a hand in an attempt to help.

Kate felt her gut twisting with apprehension, not knowing what was to come. She followed Roy as he moved around the chair, away from the piano, heading toward the small sofa against the rear wall of the room.

He lowered himself onto the sofa, not looking at her, but waiting until she came over and hesitantly sat down beside him. Her hands were trembling with nervousness. Whatever it was, it had Roy more upset than she had ever seen him, and she just knew it was going to be bad.

"There's something you should know," Roy said at last, staring down at his hands in his lap, "about your mother's death."

Kate swallowed with difficulty, her throat suddenly dry. She took her water bottle out of her purse and sipped from it slowly, the lip of the bottle clattering against her teeth as her hand shook.

"I," Roy started, and stopped, took a slow breath, tried again. "I think you know, maybe, that your mom had struggled with anxiety. Depression."

Kate nodded slowly. This news had been a shock to her after Johanna's death, but by now she had had years to come to terms with it.

"Well," Roy continued, "at some point she asked her doctor to prescribe Valium for the anxiety she was having. It was keeping her up at night; she wasn't sleeping well. She thought she needed some pills to help her relax enough to sleep. But the doctor said no."

Kate's eyes were wide. She twisted the water bottle in mindless circles in her hands, her gaze glued to Roy's face. He still didn't look at her, his eyes unfocused, his mind far away, in the past.

"The doctor wanted her to try other solutions for the insomnia, before she started with meds," he said. "Relaxation therapy, meditation, stuff like that. She had already been doing those things, and it wasn't helping. The doctor said she needed to give it more time." Roy snorted softly. "Johanna was... not patient."

That sounded familiar. Kate tried to smile despite the foreboding atmosphere. When it came to her greatest passion - making music - Johanna Beckett had had an incredible capacity for hard work and persistence; but in her personal life, she could be infuriatingly impatient.

"Well." Roy shook his head. "She tried everything to change the doctor's mind, even tried going to a different doctor, but no luck. She was so frustrated."

Kate felt tears beginning to gather, thinking about her mother seeking help and being stymied. It didn't make sense. Kate knew - although she hadn't known at the time - that her mother had been seeing a psychiatrist, trying to work on her problems and get better. She had kept it very quiet, letting no one know how much she was struggling - not even her husband, although Jim did know that she was in therapy.

After Johanna's death, Kate had spent hours trying to think back over every interaction, every incident or moment in time that she could remember, straining her memory for any signs of how bad things had been for her mom. She hadn't been able to find any. But of course, she'd been just a teenager, wrapped up in her own life, and Johanna had put a lot of effort into concealing her problems - from her daughter as well as everyone else.

But Kate couldn't understand why Roy was telling her this now. There had to be more to the story than this. She lifted her head and looked at Roy's face again, and was shocked to see shiny streaks of wetness glistening on his cheeks.

Kate stared at him, aghast. She had never seen Roy cry - never, not even at Johanna's funeral.

"Roy," she said, her voice coming out as a hoarse croak. She tried to clear her throat. "What are you telling me?"

"It was me," he said, the words rasping harshly in his throat. He met her eyes at last, a strange mixture of determination and despair in his gaze. "It was my fault. I got her the Valium, god help me. I did it."

The breath seemed to leave Kate's body. She put out her hand, pressing it into the couch cushion beside her hip in an attempt to steady herself. "You what?"

"I had a source," Roy said, heaving a deep, painful sigh. "A guy who could get the pills without a prescription. I wanted - I wanted to help. I didn't understand." He let out a groan, almost a sob. "I didn't know how bad it was. I thought she just needed a little help getting to sleep, that's all. What was the harm? Get her a few pills. She'd get some rest and feel better, wouldn't need them any more, everything would be fine."

The tears spilled free at that, running down Kate's cheeks. "But she took them all," she said in a small, thready voice. "She swallowed them all at once and she..."

"Yes. Yes." Roy lifted a hand to his face, covering his eyes. "I didn't know. God forgive me, I should have known."

Kate's gut was roiling as she tried to process what Roy was saying. She had the fleeting thought that she was supposed to say You couldn't have known or even It's not your fault, but the words wouldn't come. Shock and grief overshadowed everything else in her mind.

"I never should have interfered," Roy groaned, dropping his hand, looking at her with anguished eyes. "The doctor knew what he was doing, I didn't. I was so stupid."

"Kate?"

She jumped at the sound of her name, looking up in surprise to find Castle and Evelyn standing in the doorway. She hadn't even heard the doorbell.

"Kate," Roy said, reaching out a hand. He touched her arm and she jerked backward, shaking him off. "Kate, please, I'm so sorry."

"I can't," she choked out. "I can't, I need to-" Overwhelmed, she jumped up and fled.

Her vision was blurry with tears, but she made it out of the house and down the sidewalk for half a block before she stopped, unsure where she was going. Castle was calling her name from behind her, and he came rushing up a moment later, breathless.

"Kate!" He took hold of her shoulders, staring worriedly into her tear-soaked face. "What happened?"

A sob escaped her throat. She clung to Castle, burying her face in his shirt.

"Hey. Come on. Come here, sweetheart." Castle led her to a nearby bus stop and coaxed her down onto the bench. "Kate, tell me what happened."

Taking deep breaths, trying to get herself under control, she managed to get out a summary of what Roy had said. She could feel her mind going numb, trying to reject the knowledge, trying not to let it sink in. She didn't want to know these things about Roy, about her mother. A fresh burst of tears escaped, and Castle wiped them away gently with his fingertips.

"How could he do this?" she whispered, staring into Castle's face. His forehead was creased with concern, his eyes troubled. He didn't answer immediately, just stroked his thumb along her cheekbone and shifted closer to her on the bench, his other arm coming around her shoulders. She leaned against him, taking another shaky breath.

"I guess... people will do anything when someone they care about is in pain," Castle said after a moment. He pressed a kiss to her forehead. "I know it seems terrible now, but he was just trying to help."

Kate closed her eyes. Deep down, she knew that Castle was right. Of course Roy would never have intentionally done anything to hurt Johanna.

But Kate wasn't sure she was ready yet to see it that way. Roy's revelations had reopened the wound of losing her mother, and the grief was squeezing at her heart all over again.

"I just miss her so much," she whispered.

Castle's arm tightened around her. "I know," he said.

They sat in silence for another long moment. Kate's head was spinning. Her mind kept drifting to the things Roy had said, and then shying away again, unwilling to face it.

"Kate?" Castle said eventually, his voice low, a little hesitant.

"Yeah?"

"Did you..." Castle paused, and she heard him swallow carefully. "Did you ask Roy about the drug ring at the school? Is that how all of this came out?"

Kate sat up straight, her eyes popping open. She felt like a bucket of ice water had been dumped down her spine. "No," she said. Her throat was tight with tension. "I didn't get around to it. He just started talking."

She lifted her gaze to Castle's face. His eyes were wide and serious.

"If he got the Valium from Forrester..." he said, and trailed off, frowning with concern. Kate could see that he was reluctant to finish the sentence, for fear of upsetting her more.

"But that was years ago," she said slowly. Her brain felt thick and slow; it was hard to think. "My mom died more than ten years ago, and the drug ring was more recent than that."

"We don't know that for sure," Castle said carefully. "Martinez said 'a couple of years' but considering how scatterbrained he is, maybe that was just a figure of speech."

Kate blinked slowly, brought one still-trembling hand up to rub her forehead, wiped the last remnants of moisture from her cheeks.

"We have to go back," she murmured. "Get the rest of the story."

"Are you sure?" Castle leaned forward and brushed a lock of hair back off her face. "It could wait."

She took another deep breath. "No." Her eyebrows drew downward. More tears were pressing at the backs of her eyes, threatening to break free, but she straightened her shoulders and clenched her jaw. "No, it can't wait. We need to know."

Thank you as always for reading.

If you are suffering from depression or anxiety, or thoughts of hurting yourself, please, reach out to someone. Help is out there. In the USA, call 800-273-8255 if you need someone to talk to.