Joel glanced at the bodies, then stared at me. He said nothing though, and the silence was killing me. It stretched on and on until finally he said something, "You ditched me"

Anti-climactic, yes, but the silence was broken, "Yeah"

"And what did you hope to accomplish? Killing them? Because I could have done that with you", He looked seriously pissed now.

"I just...I was going to-"

"I know what you were going to do!", He yelled, and I actually cringed. I never cringed, just like I never cried. This was ridiculous, this boy who could get reactions out of me that torture couldn't even accomplish.

"Do you want me to apologize? Because I won't"

His jaw hardened, "And how did you know I wouldn't before you did?" He ground out.

I snorted, a sad smile playing across my face, "I knew because I know you, and you're the type that needs closure, needs to say goodbye."

"And you're not?"

"Things...aren't as messy when you neglect upsetting situations that might cause you to hesitate. Hesitation is bad. It can get you killed and you know it"

"No, Katari, you hesitating this time is what's going to save your life. It's what's going to kill me" His voice was like steel, his jaw set, his mind made up.

"No. I refuse to accept that. It's my turn to die. Everything that I've done...i deserve to die", Traitorous tears were streaming down my face.

"And what about your family? Did you think about what this would do to them?" He thundered, "No! Of course not!"

"They'll be better off without me!"

"You and I both know that isn't true"

"I don't want to live. I've done so many horrible things, and I won't let your death be on my hands too." I pulled the knife I had been keeping out of my belt and held it to my chest.

Immediately, his voice was gentle, "Don't I at least get a kiss goodbye?"

I laughed, "No. Because you would try to stop me, and I can't let you" And I shoved as hard as I could. They say that you have a natural, knee-jerk reaction built in to your subconscious that won't allow you to put a knife into yourself, that you can't do it because of some base instinct built in over millions of years of evolution. Well I say, whatever idiot thought that up, needs to think again.

The point was cold and unforgiving as it scraped my rib, only, I was still alive, still breathing. Because the knife had stopped dead. I screamed in rage as Joel grabbed my wrists and stopped me from pushing it any further. I tried to keep going, to end everything, all of my misery and self-loathing, and to save the only person who had ever really cared about me who didn't have a genetic responsibility to all in the same motion, but my strength was nothing compared to his. He managed to take the knife away and toss it to the ground, then pulled my back to his chest and held me there. No matter how many times I stomped on his foot, or how many bones I broke in his foot, he held me there, his cheek against my hair. No matter how much I cried and screamed, his fingers never stopped rubbing soothing circles on my hands.

When he decided that I had calmed down enough that he didn't have to fear me biting him, he turned me around and I buried my face in his chest and cried silently. He let go of my hands, and I grabbed fistfulls of his shirt, holding on for dear life. He rubbed circles on my back, and whispered in my ear, promising that everything would be okay, but I knew he was wrong.

I had faced the impossible decision, and I had chosen wrong by most people's standards, including Jayce's. That meant punishment, unimaginable pain that would make what I had gone through at age twelve look like a luxurious vacation at the spa, and worst of all, my family, particularly my father, would know what I had been willing to sacrifice for a guy I had known for less than a month. I had nothing to look forward to. My family would hate me, Jayce would kill me, then bring me back just so he could do it again. repeat until he was happy, then bring me back one more time to parade before the public. Then he would probably order someone to kill me and make it look like a freak accident. So, yeah, I was pretty much screwed and Joel would be dead so I had absolutely nothing to look forward to and everything would definitely not be okay.

Gently, he started moving, but I was too far gone to care much. I figured he was probably getting uncomfortable standing there in exactly the same position. So, when I felt rope around circling me and a tree, keeping me there for at least ten minutes, I panicked.

"Wait! No! Not yet! I'm not ready for you to go yet!" I cried as he picked up the knife that still had my blood on the tip.

A sad smile played across his lips and he waled over, gently kissing me on the lips one last time, whispering, "I love you", in my ear, before stepping back and plunging the knife into his stomach.

"NO!", I screamed. This wasn't real. This was not happening. Not yet. Not now. I wasn't ready for this I'd had so little time with his, it wasn't fair. And then I was mad. How dare he make me care about him, only to do this to me? How dare he! If he was still alive I would kick his sorry ass until he was in a coma and couldn't do anything stupid. And then I was mad at myself for not doing that when I had had the chance. I was so stupid.

And then the cannon fired.

I broke down, sobbing uncontrollably. I vaguely remember them announcing me the winner and someone coming out of a hovercraft, cutting me free of the ropes, and carrying me into said hovercraft. But what happened next is still crystal clear.

I was set in a chair, where Jayce was sitting in front of me. He was smiling that awful smile of his, and I immediately wanted to leap out of the chair and kill him for making my life so miserable, except I didn't have the energy. Any energy, as a matter of fact.

"Good job, Katari. You made a very believable contestant. Props on the acting as well. The audience ate it up. I especially loved the suspenseful end, where you tried to commit suicide, and then Joel did instead!" he clapped his hand together like it was some great joke.

"It wasn't an act", My voice sounded weak and gravelly.

The smile was gone instantly, and that gave me a moment of satisfaction, "Then we will deal with that after your capitol post-game appearance", I knew he had known all along, but me openly admitting it had peeved him, "Now, another matter, you need to decide what you want to have done cosmetically. Of course, they'll get rid of the wear on your skin from the arena, and make you look less skin-and-bone-y, more girlish, not that you ever were, but you never looked this bad. But what do you want to do about that scar?"

I frowned, "What scar?"

"The one Joel gave you when he took the knife"

I had never noticed the pain, not once, so this took me completely by surprise, but I didn't even have to think about it, "Don't touch it. Put tattoos around it and make it prettier if you want, but it stays"

"Good, I think the people will like that decision", he sneered, "Oh, and the President has requested something special, but I can tell you" He smiled again. And, of course, my body chose that moment to give up, and I passed out.