Disclaimer: I don't own Sailor Moon.

A/N:

Even though school is kicking my ass, let's keep the momentum going, shall we?

I love you all. Please review (please please please). It makes me go wild with happiness. Don't you WANT ME TO BE HAPPY?

WELL, DON'T YOU?

kk. Review then.

Supah,

Mels

Chapter Twelve: Mamoru

She was trembling in my arms.

Already I was rebuking myself for crumbling to this craving beast inside of me. For four, long years I had learned to disregard Usagi. I had poked fun and yelled whenever that blossoming pout got too much for me to handle. And for four, long years I had succeeded in resisting her with cold and logical calculation alone. Yet, here I was, holding a trembling seventeen year old in my arms and kissing her like a real woman. She certainly wasn't as young as she pretended to be. I guess I knew that all along, which is why I had so adamantly reproached her. I knew what would happen the moment she complied to my desires.

I would lose my head.

I didn't want to kiss her.

Except I did.

She was making small mewing sounds into my mouth— whether startled or satisfied I could not tell. God, did she know what those little sounds were doing to me? And although she didn't seem aware of it, she was withering against my body. It was absolute torture. I knew I wasn't supposed to be kissing her, but with each passing moment, I couldn't seem to stop. To my surprise, she was quietly and innocently letting me continue, complying to my every move with a response. When those perfect lips parted to let me in, wet and warm and absolutely delicious, I couldn't even think straight. So strong was my desire to devour her right here in the snow, that I knew I would if she did not protest.

"Mamoru," she murmured again, this time into my mouth, making the inside of my head purr with her voice. She said it with an earnest longing, one that seemed to be telling me it was okay for me to continue. No. She was begging me to continue.

Fuck.

Fuck.

She was only seventeen.

I had to stop.

I can't. I couldn't.

She couldn't possibly know what she was doing to me, as her small, little hands found places in my neck, my hair, my chest. Her tongue was devilish in the way it played with me, tempting and teasing with each movement in and around my mouth. I wrapped my arms around her, pinning her tightly against me, unwilling to let this one forbidden moment go. But even as she continued her kittenish sounds and I couldn't seem to remember my own name no matter how many times she mumbled it, I knew I had to stop myself. I knew this was wrong, that even though I possessively held her in my arms, she was not mine and would never—could never—be mine.

Slowly, slowly, I broke away from her, watching every breath she took for hints to her reaction. She kept her eyes closed at first, and I watched her pink and swollen lips part slightly in surprise. When she finally opened her eyes, alarmingly large and blue, I had to stop myself from smothering her against the hood of my car.

God, why did she have to be so goddamn irresistible?

If she only knew… if she only knew that she would be my downfall.

"Mamoru," she said again, more a question this time.

And I had to kiss her again, I had to, because I had nothing else in me to resist, because her lips were beckoning me in their silent seduction, simply because they weren't trying to. I couldn't stop now that I had started. I needed their reassurance, to know that not everything was fucked up and false around me, that there was at least one thing that was real and genuine in the world… even if she wasn't mine.

Our lips met for the second time.

And she pulled away.

I was startled with the deep crater of longing I felt inside of me when she stopped. I almost grabbed her again, knowing full well she would resist, but what did I care? This was probably the last time we could ever be together like this. After tonight, how would she look at me? What would she think? I would forever be trapped by the one chance I dared to take with her, the one, torturous and delicious kiss I could never repeat.

It took every ounce of self control I could muster not to force that sweet, supple, little pout into my lips again. There was no way of avoiding the craving. I needed her tonight. I needed to make this illicit moment last.

"I'm sorry…" she said.

Why was she apologizing? Oh God, I couldn't handle this. I glanced at her face, pink from the cold and from the heat of our kisses, her eyes looking up at me expectantly. She needed a response, she needed reassurance, she needed to know why I kissed her in the snow and wanted to do it again and again and again.

I looked away from her bitterly, towards distant city lights and tall buildings blocking my view of the ocean. I knew I had to say something to her, to make it all right again, but what could I say? What explanation did I have?

"Usagi…" I said roughly, my voice coarse from my inability to find words, "Please forgive me…" I felt like my throat was being grated across sharp metal. I didn't want to speak to her. I didn't want to explain my unacceptable behavior.

"Forgive you?" Her voice was full of air, and I imagined her floating away from me into the sky. I couldn't look at her. I kept my eyes trained at fuzzy lights, far away from the reality in front of me.

It was quiet a moment between us.

"Do you hate me?" She asked.

"Hate you? How could I—" My voice faltered as I darted my eyes to her face. Those two giant eyes were still staring at me, expecting something I couldn't give her. I quickly adverted my gaze back to fuzzy lights, back to the unreachable longing I could never submit to again. I had to stop myself. I had to get away from her. "I don't hate you, Usagi."

"Then why do you say such awful things to me? How could you do that and then kiss me all in one—"

"Stop!" I yelled, remembering suddenly, the closeness of her skin, the way she tasted, hearing her small mewing sounds fill up my head with the yesness of holding her in the my arms, the pleading for me to keep going… I was breathing deeply now. "Usagi… you have to stop… I can't…"

"You can't what? Stop what?" she said, her voice clouded with the tears. Even though I knew she was trying not to cry, there was a small pride buried in her words. She didn't want me to hear the strain of disgrace and disappointment laced in her tone.

"I can't be here! I can't be near you!" I yelled, backing away from her. I spun around to face my car and I got out my keys. My hands were shaking so badly I had trouble with them, fumbling to find the right key.

"No!" she pleaded. Again, I felt drawn to her voice alone. I forced my feet to continue moving away from her heavily. My hands reached out as if in slow motion. "You can't leave. Mamoru… Mamoru!"

I refused to look at her, finally inserting the right key into the door and turning it with a satisfying click.

"I don't understand," she continued, her voice so small I was sure she was crying now. "What is this? Why did you kiss me? Did it mean anything to you? Why are you leaving? Why won't you look at me?"

"Stop it, stop it," I growled, hating myself for not being able to tell her. In the back of my mind I hoped if I left quickly enough we could somehow go back to how things were before. But even as I opened my car door I knew it was foolish to fight the inevitable fall we would take. She was too innocent and young to understand it. This was it. Things would be different now.

"Mamoru," she sobbed, and I froze, clenching fists so tightly they tingled. "Don't I… Don't I mean anything at all to you...?"

"Odango…" I muttered, too afraid to look at her again, to see those large eyes filled with tears, rolling down her cheeks onto lips that had been mine for a few blissful moments… If she only knew… if she only knew…

"Please, look at me," she begged.

And I had to comply, I had to, because I had nothing else in me to resist, because her voice was full of tears I had caused, ones I wanted to reach out and wipe from soft, frozen cheeks.

I turned to see her.

She was trembling again—eyes as big as the moon, sparkling from the tears that fell down her face, and lips parted, saying my name, waiting for an explanation, needing me…

"It was a mistake," I said firmly, at least having control of my words even though my insides were in uproar. My hands continued their shaking. "It won't happen again, Usagi."

"A mistake?" I could hear the pain, the rejection, the confusion in her voice. She was upset when I found her, and I certainly hadn't helped the situation. In fact, I had prodded her on, selfishly ripping her apart because that's the only thing I could do. If I could only be the man she wanted, the man I wanted to be, softly soothing away her worries and taking care of those small trembling shoulders with strong arms of reassurance… But I couldn't be that man. I had to be sarcastic and fucked up and wrong, because if I ever let myself be more than that then I knew I wouldn't be able to let go. I would get my heart broken.

By a gorgeous, small, trembling, seventeen year old.

"You're too young, I can't… don't you see? I work for your father… You have a boyfriend…I just can't…" I stammered, unable to keep my eyes on her for longer than a few seconds at a time. They were good excuses. Reasonable. Logical. Would she ever be able to guess the real reason I had to keep my distance from her?

She was quiet, turning her gaze downwards. She played with the bottom of her rain coat, holding it between restless fingers and twirling it around and around again. Her pale blond hair pooled around her, making her almost glow in the soft, falling snow. She still had no idea of the power she possessed, how even the movements of her fingers could turn me into a complete mess.

"You understand, right? It was a mistake," I reinforced, attempting to remain calm and sure in my decision.

She wouldn't speak.

This is the end Mamoru, this is it.

I was getting more frantic with the second. I couldn't keep standing there, watching tears drop from her bent head, falling into tiny fists she clamped around her navy, rain jacket. I watched them slip down her knuckles into the crevices of her palm and I dreamed of kissing her there. "God Usagi, come on. I've gotta get out of here… you can't break my resolve…"

"Then go!" she yelled suddenly, eyes flaring up to meet mine. There was anger, yes. But even more prominent was the hurt, which she tried to hide with a scowl but could not mask from those tearful, blue eyes. I had crumbled to my desires and now she was going to have to pay for it. I knew full-well that I had lied earlier. She had broken my resolve the moment I saw her crying.

I couldn't handle it. This wasn't supposed to happen.

"Usagi, forgive me, please…" I grabbed her forcefully and felt her body tense under my hands. I realized then that this really was the end, and this was our last chance together. With tears and eyes open, I kissed her again with enough force to make her stumble away from me. And it was wet and messy and so wrong so wrong… yet perfect, yes.

Perfect.

But even as my mouth crashed into hers brutally I was already turning away from her and pushing her aside so I could get into my car and slam the door.

She whimpered, oh God, and I gave her one last look through tinted glass, through falling snow, and then I was speeding as fast as I could down the street.

My hands were still shaking.

I took a long drag on my cigarette and then handed it to Motoki. In front of us, we watched the snow fall out of his open bedroom window. The air was chilly but it felt good in comparison to the fury inside of me. I couldn't get Usagi or our kiss out of my mind. It was making me crazy.

"So… You just left her standing in the middle of the road?" Motoki finally asked, handing me the last of the cigarette.

"Yeah," I replied, flicking the butt out the window and watching it spiral down to the ground. "I'm such a fucking bastard."

"Hey, I could have told you that years ago," Motoki said, grinning at me.

"Shut the hell up," I grunted, shoving him lightly.

Motoki laughed and lit up another cigarette. He started talking with the cigarette still clamped between his lips. "Well, what can ya do, man? What happened, happened. At least you didn't fuck her, right?"

"God, Motoki don't even say that," I growled, running my hands through my hair. I remembered her sweet taste. I remembered her breasts pressing into my chest. I remembered her voice purring my name… "I mean, what was I thinking? She's seventeen. SEVENTEEN!"

"You weren't thinking," Motoki reasoned calmly, letting small circles of smoke escape his mouth. "It's not a crime or anything. You've just gotta make sure it doesn't happen again."

"How am I supposed to do that?" I mumbled, looking away from him towards Kino Makoto's large house. It loomed in front of us, dark and gigantic, casting shadows across the already dark ground.

The snow looked as if it was slowing down now.

"You just gotta stay away from her," Motoki said. "I mean, it was just fun before, right? You could seek her out because it was just flirting and fucking around… but now you have to avoid her. She just got under your skin. She gets under everybody's skin, come on."

I hated and loved to think that I was one of the lucky few who got to actually got to act out what many others were craving, even if it was just for a few moments. Motoki was right. She was beautiful and rich and annoying as hell… and somehow that made her one of the most desirable females to anybody who met her. How the hell was it possible?

"She's unbearable" I continued, talking freely in the heat of my confusion. "She whines about every little thing even though her life is golden… But then sometimes… she'll get such a melancholy look in her eyes… It makes me think I don't know one thing about her."

"You probably don't," Motoki said, shrugging. "She plays the game just like you. I'm sure she has plenty of secrets."

I thought about that for a moment, and suddenly the desire I had been so persistently suppressing flared up full force. I wanted to know her secrets. I wanted to know what she hid behind that bubbly smile and unnerving scowl. I wanted her to whisper them in my ear.

"Secrets. God. Am I just one of many secrets?" I muttered, clenching fists around the edge of the window sill. I felt like I could dive headfirst out the window and be invincible. I was living the highest and lowest moments of my live simultaneously.

"Seriously Mamoru," Motoki said suddenly, resting a hand on my shoulder gently. "You've gotta calm down."

I realized then that my shaking hands had consumed my arms and shoulders into tremors. I knocked Motoki's hand away, self-conscious, suddenly, of my behavior. Motoki had admitted to me before of looking at Mako and her friends when they lounged around the pool in their bikinis, but he had never made a move on any of them, even though it could have been easy. I studied Motoki's eyes, sullen in their reaction to me, and I knew I couldn't stand being here with him, even if he was my best friend.

"Fuck it. I've gotta get out of here," I said, grabbing my coat off a nearby chair.

Motoki stood up swiftly and blocked my path. "Don't cross that line, man," he said seriously, setting those light blue eyes on mine. "Don't go find her. Just let it be for a few goddamn minutes."

"I'm not going to find her," I lied, roughly shoving one hand through the armhole of my jacket.

"Look, I know you Mamoru," Motoki continued, watching my rushed movements. "You're an intense guy, and you have a lot of gut instincts which seem to get you into a lot of fucking trouble…"

"I'm not going to find her!" I roared, surprising myself. I clenched my fist around my keys so tightly it hurt.

It was quiet in the room.

Motoki's pitted stare was full of concern. I couldn't look at him, I couldn't stand even standing in my own skin. My shoulders were alive with trembles and standing still was making me want to punch the nearest thing I could reach. What the hell was wrong with me?

With a few quick strides I pushed past Motoki and reached for the door handle. I felt his hand on my shoulder and I paused under his grasp.

"Hey Mamoru?" he said quietly.

"Yeah?" I asked, looking over my shoulder at him.

His face suddenly cracked into a full-on grin. "You're out of your mind, you know that?"

"Yeah, I know," I said heavily.

Then I turned and headed out the door.

I found her walking up the long driveway of her house. The snow had stopped and I was lucky I reached her before she got to her front door. I pulled up before her and stopped my car. She waited for me to unbuckle my seatbelt, take a deep breath and open my door.

We stood in opposition of one another, not even the distraction of falling snow at our aid. She looked so cold and tired standing there. I tried to suppress my self-loathing that seemed to flair at the sight of her. What was I doing here? I didn't deserve her.

"Usagi…" I struggled, offering open hands to her.

She stood five feet in front of me. Eyes and nose red, breath coming out of wavering lips in tight bursts.

"Usagi, I shouldn't have left you…" and I took a step towards her.

Before I knew what was happening, she ran towards me and was in my arms again. I held onto her, feeling her cold fingers curl up onto my chest and the slow in and out of her breathing against me.

"I left you in the cold…" I mumbled into her hair, swiftly unzipping my jacket to let her nuzzle inside of it. My hands were unconsciously restless, softly moving up her back, down the backside of her arm, landing near her ribcage where still my fingers moved in circular motions. She didn't say anything. As I stood there holding her I couldn't help but let my mouth hover near her ear, neck, forehead, lingering just long enough to deny the temptation and move on. And still she trembled, not uttering a word under the collar of my jacket, where I felt her eyelashes tickle my throat with each blink.

Her arms slowly crept up to my neck and I dipped my head toward her, so my mouth was up against her cheek. Her little fingers found the bottom of my hair, which she pinched between fingers that she later trailed down my neck, sending a round of chills rolling through my entire body. I waited, feeling her breath in my ear, my jaw line, and then the corner of my mouth as her head nuzzled against mine. Slowly, ever so slowly, I turned my face towards her.

Our foreheads touched.

I hesitated only one moment.

But that's all it took. She turned slightly, continuing her movements as her mouth trailed downward along the other side of my face, until it landed in the crook of my neck again. I pulled her in closer to me, letting out a deep sigh. Now after anger and desire all that remained was uncertainty. I wondered vaguely if we would ever talk again or forever be frozen in this timorous embrace.

I don't know how long we stood there in her driveway, holding each other. Every now and then I'd feel Usagi move her mouth just a bit, and each tiny movement made me tense up. I couldn't seem to let go of her, and the longer she didn't fight against it, the more comfortable and right it felt.

When she spoke, it was said so quietly I had to lean in even closer to hear her.

"We can't…" she whispered and I found my grip on her tightening.

I felt a lump in my throat. I tried to swallow but couldn't. It took everything in me to speak the words I wanted to deny.

"I know," I said, again feeling those soft lips of hers brush lightly against my throat.

"Then what are we doing?" she mumbled, and I swear I felt her tiny teeth nipping at my sensitive skin.

Suddenly I heard the sound of a car pulling up and I instantly let go of Usagi, afraid that it would be her father returning home late. But with one glance in the direction of the approaching car I could hear the blasting beat of music and I knew who it would be. He came to a screeching halt in front of us and I saw the familiar bubbly smile flood Usagi's face.

"Seiya," she said, walking up to the man who had hopped out of the car.

He kissed her and I had to look away from them towards my shoes to stop the rage from crawling into my fists again.

"Usagi… I came as quick as I could. I borrowed Taiki's car," he said swiftly until I'm sure he realized I was standing in the driveway. I glanced up at him and he narrowed his eyes. "Who the hell is this guy?" Seiya asked, jerking a thumb in my direction. I met his glare with a confident smirk.

"I work for Mr. Tsukino," I said, holding back a choice of harsh words I wanted to spit at him.

"What are you doing here at 2 in the morning?" Seiya asked skeptically, putting a casual arm around Usagi's shoulder.

"Business," I said coolly, ignoring his suspicions. "Just came out for a cigarette and I ran into Usagi. Lucky for her, I won't be telling her father about breaking curfew."

My words were smug, but inside I cringed at seeing Usagi's gaze drop downward. I wondered how she must have been feeling about our kiss. Did she feel like she had betrayed Seiya, even though I was obviously the one who had initiated every move? Did she hate to have to lie about what we had been doing only seconds before Seiya's arrival?

Seiya turned his attention to Usagi and I turned my head back to my foot. Even as I scuffed my heel against the toe of my left shoe I still heard every word they uttered together.

"Why didn't you call me sooner? I had no idea you were going to walk home alone…"

"I know… I got lost…" Usagi murmured, her voice muffled.

A lie, of course. I gritted my teeth for knowing I was the reason she had to lie.

"Oh my Usagi…" he hummed, "I didn't get your message until after the set… you've really been out here for over an hour?"

"I just got home," she said softly.

"Poor little Odango..." he said.

My head snapped up involuntarily at the nickname I had given her only a week ago. She was looking at me over his shoulder, and I raised an eyebrow in her direction, fighting off the bitter snarl that was approaching my lips. I felt a wave of possessiveness flood my senses, even though I knew I had no claim over her. Odango...That was our name... MY name for her... how could Seiya have taken even that from me?

Seiya was talking again and I turned my back to them to try and block out their words.

It didn't work.

"Do you want me to stay…? Because, well… some of us were going to head over to Yaten's for the after-after party, you know…"

"I don't really want to…"Usagi stammered, her voice wavering, "I just… I feel so…"

"Aw, come on little one," Seiya butted in, "Don't you wanna come along? The whole crew is going."

"I want to stay," she said firmly this time, and I wondered if my presence played any role in her decision or not.

"Alright alright. But it's okay if I go, right? I'll take you for breakfast tomorrow."

"Yeah, ok."

"You're not mad?"

"I'm fine. I just want to go to bed."

"Alright, sweet. Sleep well. Love you," and again I heard him kiss her.

"Bye," she replied.

I dared to glance in her direction and couldn't help but notice the way her smile dropped when Seiya turned away. Seiya opened his car door and got in. He gave me a curt nod and I nodded back. Then with a twist of his wrist the roar of music came seeping out of his car again as he revved the engine to speed away.

I watched him go, already feeling the intensity of Usagi's eyes on the back of my neck. I was too terrified to turn around. I had no idea what I was doing here at 2 a.m. with Usagi of all people. How had I gotten myself into this?

"Are you coming inside, or did you drive all this way just to stand in the cold out here alone?" Usagi asked, surprising me with her invitation. I no longer could hear the loud beat of Seiya's music and I realized then that we were alone again. I nodded without a word and I heard her turn towards her doorsteps. I kept my head down but followed her nonetheless, as she made her way up the few stairs to the front porch, where she unlocked the door and let us inside.

She put down her keys and took off her jacket, and then turned to face me. My head still hung downwards and I found it difficult to breath, let alone mutter any kind of explanation for my presence. A few moments passed like this until finally she broke the awkward silence.

"So what are you doing here, Mamoru?" Usagi asked.

I wanted you.

I needed you.

I couldn't stop thinking of you.

A simple question with a simple answer.

"I don't know," I replied, finally lifting my gaze to hers.

"You can't just… mess around with a girl like that," she said loudly, crossing her arms. "You yell at me, you kiss me, you leave me alone in the middle of the night then you come back—how… did you just…?"

"I don't know," I said again, keeping my dark gaze pinned on her navy eyes.

"Mamoru… just tell me why…"

"You tell me," I answered quietly.

I buried my hands into my pockets and forced myself to keep looking at her questioning eyes. I was asking her silently to answer the problem for me. I was begging for her to take away even the chance that it could happen again. The power was all in her hands, for I knew if she let me I wouldn't be able to stop myself. But if she told me "no" what other path could I take? With one word, I would be gone.

"Usagi…" I started, but by then she had already come up to me, questioning eyes searching the heaviness of my gaze.

"What do you want from me, Mamoru?" she whispered, reaching up her small hands to my face. And the fact that she was asking, imploring as if she wanted to give me what I desired, made me almost crumble under my own defense. I couldn't help myself. I grabbed her cold hand and pressed it up against my mouth, closing my eyes and breathing a small sigh to release the tension of the moment. I wanted to push her away. I wanted to grab her and hold her. I wanted to have her and leave her.

"I don't know," I answered honestly, opening eyes to meet her navy stare.

"What can I do with doubt?" she said softly.

But even as she said those words I was leaning down towards her, like an object falling through space, and she was standing up on tiptoes to meet me. I wrapped strong arms around her tiny waist. She ran both her hands up my neck until she stood, holding either side of my head.

"We can't," I said this time, and she nodded in agreement.

But then she leaned up and kissed me and God help me, I let her. She was tentative at first, and those first, timid brushes of her lips made me deteriorate. Some new force came over me, like I could never get enough of her. I was hungry for every inch I could reach.

I pushed her up against the door.

I kissed her long and hard.

I threaded my hands through her hair and bit down on her lower lip.

And her mouth found my throat, where she nibbled and sucked lightly along my jaw line with cold lips. I thought my legs would collapse under me if she ever stopped. It felt so good and right that I realized I had no intention of stopping the tidal wave that was consuming me. She was the ultimate temptation. She was an exquisite delectable treat to taste. She was real. And for one night at least, she was mine.

"Usagi…" I groaned into the crevice of her collarbone, which I tasted nimbly with my teeth.

"Mamoru," she replied.

And everything was fucked up and wrong so wrong… yet perfect, yes.

Perfect.

A/N:

CAN YOU BELIEVE IT? I can't believe it and I even WROTE the goddamn thing. Goddddd. What have I written myself into?

Don't worry. There will be more where that came from (fuck yeah).

Ok.

I'm calm now.

Question:

Do I swear too much?

And should I change the rating on this sucker?

So, I've figured out that each chapter I write is a popularity contest. I just use my stats for research. For example, hits for Ami and Makoto chapters are much lower than hits for Mamoru and Rei chapters. I find that funny, because does that mean some people are skipping over Ami chapters so they can get to the next Mamoru chapter (something like a 400 hit difference…)? Haha. But I want all the characters to have interesting story lines that keep you guessing… even if some aren't as popular as others…

Next up is Ami.

Oh! And I did this pretty little drawing of the four senshi as supah hot fashionable rich girls (i.e. the ones from my story!) so you should check it out. It's not drawn in anime style and their looks are all updated a bit with hair and clothing and the stupid link isn't working in this story editor... but if you want to take a peek, go ahead (take the spaces out between the dots first):

scarletlady. deviantart. com/art/So-Fierce-79112981

I wanted them to look like hot Japanese fashion models hahaha.

Even though reviews aren't a clear example of how many people are reading this story (obviously), I want more. It's a popularity contest for me too…. Sooo…. SHARE THE LOVE AND REVIEW!

Shutting up now,

Mels says boo-yah.