Chapter 12: It's Meguca Time

Homura was puzzled. How could this girl, who looked and acted exactly like her, be the same person as her? She scratched her hair in confusion.

Indeed they looked similar. But the new Homura had glasses and braided hair which was hard to flip. And she was far more astute and calculating than the real Homura.

"Umm… what is this thing?" She asked while holding a glowing tube.

Homura flipped her hair in a dry manner. "That's a dynamic quantogenerator… Wait, if that's over there, then what did you put in-"

Suddenly the machine's control panel started shaking and oozing Heinz ketchup. Homura wasn't impressed.

Glasses Homura coyly looked down at the floor in shame. "UH-OH, SPAGHETTI-O'S."

The real Homura then realized. The duel disk she wore on her wrist was much different to Junko Kaname's duel disk; it also had time controlling powers. Somehow, the other Homura must have messed up and travelled to a timeline with another Homura.

She slapped Glasses Homura. "You fool! You have created a time paradox! What if you turn me into my own grandpa?!"

Glasses Homura took notes. "Will that be necessary?"

Homura crunched up the paper cup in her hand. "That won't be needed."
She continued. "How did you enter my timeline?"

Glasses Homura had no idea. "I have no idea." She said as she twirled the duel disk's hourglass about absentmindedly.

And as she did so, she ended up summoning yet another Homura, who also had glasses, but hers were much thicker. She also wore moccasin shoes and a vintage scarf. She tossed her hair in a hipster manner as she appeared. "Hair flipping is sooo mainstream."

The real Homura was insulted by Hipster Homura's opinions. She was about to smack her hipster face upside the head with her 9 iron golf club, but as it turned out, Glasses Homura got into a heated argument with her over peaches and Matisyahu's songs.

And again, another Homura was summoned by a ripple in the spacetime continuum. This one was robotic, and had extendable arms. "I AM HOMURABOT. PLEASE INSERT WEAPON."

Homura couldn't bear to see all these other Homuras gumming up her special mission. She had to contact Madoka to help her send them back to their own timelines... Maybe that would distract her from making a contract with Kyubey.

She flipped her hair, and told Homurabot, the most competent of the three, to watch over the other Homuras. "Homurabot, make sure the other Homura's don't kill each other. I'll know if you fail because if they die, then I'll die."

Homurabot recognized the order. "I AM HOMURABOT. PLEASE INSERT WEAPON."

Homura bowed to her superior. "Domo arigatou, Homurabotto."

And as it turned out, Madoka was sitting at a park bench with Kyubey, watching a billboard that changed pictures every few minutes.

Madoka pouted. "What am I going to do, Kyubey? All my friends have died, and I couldn't do anything to save them…"

Mr. Vacan poked his head out from inside the rubbish bin. "Um, I'm still alive, Madoka."

Madoka re-iterated. "All my friends. Dead! Oh, woe is me."

Kyubey adjusted his sombrero. "¿Contrato?"

Madoka had to pause and think about it. "Noo… I can't do it."

Kyubey did the Mexican :3 while shaking his maracas. "¿Por que?"

Madoka dried her tears with her ribbons. "What if I end up like Kyoko or Sayaka or that other girl?"

"¿Señor Vacan?"

Madoka couldn't bother to argue with Kyubey's swarthy Latino charisma for any longer. Maybe now she would have to accept the contract.

So she cleared her throat and began. "I wish that-"

But then Kyubey spontaneously exploded into pieces of candy. Madoka didn't know how that happened.

"That won't be compulsory," announced Homura as she blew the smoke off of her revolver barrel. She had finally managed to kill Kyubey, the magic cat who had trolled the magical girls all this time. Madoka, on the other hand, was not so compassionate.

"Homura, why did you kill Kyubey?"

Homura couldn't tell her the truth. It would break Madoka's loli-heart into several sticky, sugar-laden pieces.

"Madoka… I'm sorry. I thought for sure that Kyubey was going to eat your soul… But now, I don't even know anymore. I'm still afraid of the Big Bad Witch coming to lay waste to our planet."

"Walpurgisnacht?"

"Gesundheit. Anyway, Madoka Dingleberry Kaname, forgive me… I want you to leave. Go home, pack your bags and go find your family. I'll build you a rocket to Mars so you can live the rest of your lives in peace. All I ever wanted was to see you smiling… fuck, damn you, Basshunter."

"But Homura, I'll miss you."

"It's okay, Madoka. We'll always be friends. Also, I'll install Skype on the rocket so we can chat when this is all over… Oh, and tell Mr. Vacan that his Vacan and eggs are the best, okay?" Mr. Vacan, who was chewing on an apple core he found in the bin, was touched by Homura's kind words, and shed a tear at this tender moment.

Madoka nodded, and left. Homura flipped her hair five times in a row to make up for going so long without it. And then someone started eating all the candy that Kyubey left behind.

"Mmm, salsa flavor. I sure wish Kyoko was around to try some of this."

Homura facepalmed. She forgot that Kyubey could respawn, and now, she had no ammo.

"Problem, Homura Akemi?" Kyubey troll-:3-ed.

"Kyubey… or should I say, Kyubey the Smelly Poo-Faced Incubator. You've ruined everything."

Kyubey provided a curt refutal. "Au contraire, mon frère, it is you who has done the ruination of everything. You were the one who influenced Madoka's potential by basing your wish on her. You were the one that altered the fabric of time whenever you messed up, again and again. And you were the one who erased my save in Assassin's Scrolls. Q. E. D, bitch!"

Homura flipped her hair in anger. "But this time, I won't mess up. I have an ace in the hole this time round."

Kyubey scoffed. "Yeah, whatevs. Last timeline, your ace in the hole was a trapdoor that didn't even work half the time."

Homura blushed. She was embarrassed at Kyubey bringing that up. He couldn't even bear to look at him anymore. She marched off, doing the Japanese March of the Japanese Men.

Kyubey was proud of having won yet another heated debate, now the score was 105-3. He felt lucky, so he scampered to Madoka's house as fast as he could.

He saw Madoka through the window, packing her suitcases with chocolate wafers and dolls that squeaked when you held them. And she couldn't possibly forget the Golden Snitch she caught in her very first game of Quidditch. And as she was about to pick up her Kyubey plushie, she strangled it out of rage. However the plushie did not mind at all.

The non-plush Kyubey leaned on the window too hard, and ended up crashing through, falling on Madoka's bed. He took Madoka's favourite fake mustache out of her drawer, and decided to tell Madoka the truth.

"Madoka Dingleberry Kaname. Do you know why I wanted you to make a contract with me?"

Madoka pouted. "So I could be useful at something for once?"

"No, silly. Because magical girls have the power to keep the sun burning. It's all in the contract terms and conditions."

Madoka tilted her head in confusion.

"The massive wall of text? When Mr. Vacan made a contact?" Kyubey tried reminding her.

Madoka tilted her head the other way.

"Ahh, forget it. You see, 90% of the time, the sun has a 100% chance of expanding into a red giant every few centuries, consuming the earth in a fiery inferno. So long as magical girls make contracts, the sun stays how it is."

Madoka couldn't even bear to put on her nerd glasses. "That doesn't make any sense."

Kyubey shot some rays of light out of his ear haloes. "It's magic. I ain't gotta explain shit."

"Anyway, a lot of girls in history have made contracts with me and my kin. There's Amelia Earhart, Marilyn Monroe, Marie Curie, Anna Korna… Kovawova… Anna Some-Russian-Thing, The Powerpuff Girls, Meg Griffin… oh, and Britney Spears!" Suddenly Kyubey made Britney Spears music start playing for effect.

Madoka listened to the music, "Noo! Make it stop! This is terrible!"

Kyubey didn't stop. "You must learn, Madoka. I am teaching you! I will make you see that you must make a contract with me!..."

And so Kyubey kept playing the music.

Homura returned to the stadium to see that the other Homuras were making much improved progress on her machine. Homurabot had placated the other two Homuras with gifts; Glasses Homura was enjoying her Twinkie and squeaky toy hammer, and Hipster Homura was busy with her mung bean salad and Modest Mouse vinyl records. She also used her robotic powers to fix the damage to the machine and put it together.

"Thank you, Homurabot." Homura flipped her hair.

Homurabot accepted the praise. "I AM HOMURABOT. PLEASE INSERT WEAPON." Homura complied by handing a carrot to the robot.

Hipster Homura finished her mung bean salad, she tossed her hair. "Hey Homura, and Homura, and Homurabot… where's the witch?"

Glasses Homura whacked herself on the head with her toy hammer. "Walpurgisnacht?"

Homura flipped her own hair. "Gesundheit." She turned to Hipster Homura. "Yes, she is coming… Just like last time. But this time will be different. This time, I will defeat Brazil Nut."

And as the witch's name was finally mentioned, the sunny sky grew dark as though it went from 7 AM to 6 PM. The wind started blowing with force. But Homura wasn't worried. She had her ace in the hole.

A long spooky laugh began to echo in the stadium. Homura's blood charged with tension.

"Lol…"

Homurabot swung her carrot like a tiny anchor as the witch's laugh began again.

"Lol…"

Hipster Homura smoked her corncob pipe while Glasses Homura tied her shoelaces together by accident.

"Lol."

Homura flipped her hair, and pulled a machine gun out of the secret compartment of her duel disk. "Let's do this shit."

As the most powerful witch of all, Brazil Nut had the power to fire massive lasers and summon images of levitating fish to bombard her enemies. With a battle cry of "Yippie-ki-yay, motherfucker!", Homura opened fire on the witch, spraying her with bullets, and tossing banana bombs and exploding sheep for good measure.

Glasses Homura wanted to help too, but she tripped on her shoelaces and ended up spilling a drum of oil on the ground, which made things slippery for the Homura team. Brazil Nut, being able to float, was unaffected.

Hipster Homura elected to attack with her trusty potato gun, which fired… you guessed it, Alaskan yams. Why Alaskan yams? Because in her own words, "You probably haven't heard of them before. They're pretty underground." Nonetheless, her yammunition was nothing short of yamazing.

Homurabot knew how to use a carrot as a weapon. Don't ask me what she did, but I bet It was pretty damn awesome.

But despite their massive assault, Brazil Nut emerged unscathed. No amount of weaponry could break her magical barrier. But she was done toying around with Homura and her friends, so she tore a skyscraper from the ground and hurled it in their general direction.

The collision ignited the oil puddle that Glasses Humora had made, where she and the other two Homuras were standing, and they all ended up getting burned into a pile of ashes with eyeballs.

"Aww no, she di'nt."

The real Homura, the one who flipped her hair, was alone. It was time to use her ace in the hole… The Doomsday Device. She knew that using it would probably level the entire city… actually, she didn't know that. But she thought it was a good idea. So she jumped over to the control panel, and pushed the big red button marked "PRESS ME :)"

And the doomsday device started charging. Its cylinders started glowing, and electricity pulsed through its main conduits. The machine shook violently, and Homura thought it felt like a massaging chair. She directed the pylon directly at Brazil Nut's upside-down head, and she braced for the destructive beam that it would fire.

"This is it…" She started to sweat in anticipation.

But all it did was shoot a rubber duck. One puny rubber duck. Brazil Nut didn't even need to dodge it. "Lol."

It bounced right off of its gear body and rebounded to hit the Doomsday Device, activating its self-destruct.

Homura frowned as the machine was about to explode. "I knew I should have gotten the turbo."

The machine blew apart and Homura was blasted into a wall. She was done for… unless she rewound time. So she reached for her duel disk, only to realize that she took it off when she washed her hands before using her machine gun. Now there was nothing she could do. She would be consumed by sadness and her gumball would corrupt to turn her into a witch… Maybe then she could defeat Brazil Nut.

But before she had time to do anything else, a high-pitched screeching of a flying saucer resounded in a flying-saucer like way. It was Madoka, who hijacked Hitomi's Dr. Wily UFO.

She jumped out to protect Homura, with Kyubey at her shoulder, who was listening to music on his iPod.

"Homura, it's Meguca time."