Secret Desires & Fears (K-6)
Timing: The night after Gemma reveals to Kartik that she has infact visited the realms ('A Great and Terrible Beauty' pg. 346-347).
I am a restless, unsure of my footing. I have failed the Rakshana and she has confirmed my fears, that she has indeed visited the realms and used their magic.
She is a stubborn girl, strong. She is not so willing to listen to me and I doubt there is a chance of it anymore. I do not know what she was looking for when she came to me, admitting my fears, but it has proved my methods ineffective. This leaves me cold. Have I lost all control of the situation? Have I let down my brotherhood?
She is stubborn in the idea that she is right, but she is reckless. If the situation is as delicate as it would seem, I do not trust her in full to restore it. She is ignorant of most knowledge of the realms and and does not realize thus. How is one to determine whether she is strong enough to possess these gifts at all? She is silly and this has led her wrongly. I have failed. I do not fear the punishment of this failure specifically, though I know it may be my very life. Instead I fear the shame that I shall carry.
Thoughts such as these have kept me up through the night. I am weary, yet I can not find the serenity to find sleep. I revisit the same options over and over in my mind, though none of which are thought out thoroughly.
Is there a way to correct this?
I have not had a full night of sleep for a few days, being troubled by unnerving dreams to which I can not name once awoken. The delirium caused by this lack of rest makes me overly cautious. I am ill at ease in my own skin. Every so often there is a rustle and I am sure it is an assassin from the other side, or some kind of evil spirit.
How could I let her get this far? I should have taught her to obey the Rakshana in the very beginning.
Such a silly, silly girl. She has brought us to ruin. How could she be the one, chosen by the realms to be its keeper? I wish desperately I had been given some other charge to prove myself with.
Near dawn I find rest somehow, but calling it thus is misleading. I am afraid the very thing made me more on edge.
The dreams were not as intricate as some of my others, but only added to my nerves.
I saw a withered tree. Old and haggard as some of the gypsy women.
I saw but a glimpse of Gemma, for once she was motionless on the ground. I had a feeling all was not well for her.
And I saw Amar, except it was not the same Amar as I remember. A red sunset shone behind him and his eyes were not of their usual shine, something dark bubbled beneath the surface, leaving me uneasy in his presence.
If I truely had a god to whom I was devoted, I would pray for this to be another worthless nightmare, something made up of only my nerves and fears. I would meditate for hours in the hope that what I see is fabricated by myself and not a foreshadowing of what is to come. I would hope to have faith in the headstrong girl whose eyes hold powers unearthly in nature.
However, I am without a true religion. I am Rakshana, and my allegiances lie there only.
This day I will do as always watch and listen, there is little more I can do. However, I will work to find distractions for the day. I am tired of the games and fear for what they lead up to.
Are there any choices left?