After weeks of questions, and watching videos, and listen to people tell me the truth I still don't know all of the truth. I don't know who I am. From everything I've been told I've been able to figure a couple things out: Peeta loves me, I loved him, I was the one who pulled the nightlock stunt - not Peeta. It was my dying wish during the quarter quell that Peeta came out alive.
With this information I was able to figure out that I was the one who wanted myself to die in the quarter quell. My memories put the blame on Peeta though. The more of the truth I figure out the more tangled my mind becomes. Usually after every time I figure something new out I break down. My internal battle was on going. I refused to stop fighting though. I wasn't going to let Snow win.
I couldn't figure out my feelings towards anyone really, but I knew for sure I hated Snow. I sometimes even tried to figure out why I volunteered for my sister in the first place. I knew somewhere inside me the old Katniss would never wonder that, but the new Katniss couldn't see why. Slowly I started to gain trust from people again. I was allowed to leave the room to eat, but I had to have guards with me in case I lost it and freaked out.
I lost it about once a day, but it was always in private. It was usually when someone asked me about my feelings, or something about myself. My mind was able to accept the facts - the things I could see. But something that I had a choice on, something I felt causes the two Katniss's to fight. I wished they wouldn't ask me stuff like that, but they had too. It was the only way to see if I was getting better. I had a little improvement on some things, but feelings and preferences caused me to break down. Even the simplest question like "What's your favorite color?" caused me to lose it.
New Katniss had an opinion, and so did the Old Katniss. I get out of my bed wanting to get out of the hospital room. I had been in it all day, and I was hungry. Haymitch walks in just as I get up.
"Ready to go eat?" I nod and he waves for me to follow. "Wait. Go back." He says as he looks at something in front of him. I try to peer over his should but he blocks me purposely.
"Why?" I ask still trying to see.
"Go back and I'll tell you." I sigh frustrated as I turn and walk back into my hospital room.
"What's going on?" I demand as he walks back into the room.
"Sit." I give him a glare before I sit down.
"Alright. So, tell me" I arch an eyebrow as I wait for his explanation.
"Some of the rebels bombed a mountain in District two, where Peeta was." I look at him confused with the past tense. "Well, it caused a riot, and a fight broke out between the rebels and the people of two." I keep my eyes on him as I wait for him to continue. "Peeta was trying to stop it and - " I gasp slightly and interrupt him
"He didn't die did he?" My words started a small internal fight but the Old Katniss was winning this one. Usually neither Katniss got the upper hand on the other, but with the thought that Peeta might be dead Old Katniss was clawing to the surface. I could feel the tears gathering in my eyes, but not from a breakdown. From the thought. Haymitch shakes his head before continuing
"No, he was shot at it, it only got his side. He's fine I just didn't want you to see them bringing him in. You might have -" He trails off and I know what he was going to say. I might have broke down. The tears escape my eyes. He was injured but he was okay. I sigh in relief. Shaking only slightly from the internal fight. Old Katniss was actually here. I felt half way normal - this is a normal reaction. My reaction draws up a memory.
I remember in the arena, Peeta hitting the force field. He wouldn't open his eyes and I broke down into tears. Finnick saved him, and I clung to him once he came back. I was sobbing. There was nothing shiny about this memory. I guess Snow figured the memory wouldn't be important. But it was. It proved that my crying right now at Peeta's injury was all the Old Katniss - the real Katniss.
"Katniss, are you okay?" I nod. For once it was the truth. This moment gave me hope.
"I feel half way like myself. The new Katniss still it fighting with the old Katniss, but Peeta's injury brought of the real me" I whisper as I speak. I wipe away my tears only to have them replaced by new ones. Haymitch runs out of the room and I watch him confused. He comes back with the doctor within a few minutes. He's talking quickly about what had happened.
"Katniss, do you think you can hold on to this feeling right now?" I think about her question for a moment. I could feel the feeling slipping away already. I sigh shaking my head. Of course not. The venom was too strong. I drop my head into my hands, the little bit of hope I had, had gone.
"Can I see him?" I mumble against my hands. I could sense the hesitation from both of them.
"I'll go with you." I look up at Haymitch. I don't think this was completely about keeping my sane. I think he was worried about Peeta. I may not have been able to figure out my own feelings towards everyone but I could tell that Peeta and myself had become his family. He loved us. I smile slightly at this.
I get up again and follow him out of the room. We walk down the hall silently, our footsteps hardly making any noise. He walks into Peeta's room first then waves me in. I look at him to see he's asleep, then I notice the morphling. I frown slightly, I hadn't expected them to put him on morphling. But I guess if he was in pain then that was best. I turn to leave the room my hand stops on the handle. The sight of Peeta on the hospital bed, hooked up to needles like that had brought old Katniss out completely. I walk over to his bed and place a kiss on his cheek. I could feel old Katniss slipping away once my lips touch his cheek, and with that I run out of the room back to my own.