Chapter Eleven: Nee

I don't know why I went to visit Mikey. Maybe to prove that he was wrong about me. Whatever the reason, I know one thing.

We're slowly getting through to him.

Later that day, after training with the guys in an effort to rebuild my endurance, I find myself in the kitchen making lunch. Normally it would be Mikey's task, but...

Sorrow wells up within me and I take a deep breath, tightening my hold on the knife I'm using to cut apples.

Screaming. Blood. Pain. Blue eyes screwed shut. A face, pale from blood loss.

"Is this not what you wanted? A life for a life? An even exchange?"

"Let him go. Please, let him go. He didn't do anything to deserve this."

"He is an abomination. That is reason enough."

My eyes snap open. I drop the knife, clapping a hand over my mouth as a half-sob escapes my lips. The noise must be enough to draw attention because suddenly Donnie is here, wrapping me in his arms and pressing me against his plastron in a solid hug.

"Donnie..."

I hate myself suddenly. I hate myself for the way his name came out, soft and whispered and weak. Broken. If I had only been strong enough, none of this would have happened. If I hadn't run off, if I hadn't told Mikey-

"Don't. Don't do this to yourself. Not again."

"I can't," I whisper. "I can't take it, Donnie. He should be laughing right now. He should be smiling and joking and being himself, not lying there strapped to a table because of my stupid mistakes."

"Nee, we talked about this, about how you shouldn't blame yourself-"

"Stop it! It doesn't matter if I don't blame myself or not, you know why? Because even if it wasn't my fault, even if it was a completely random occurrence and it would've happened anyway, that means something else. It means that nothing I do even matters. It means that even if I do everything right, if I dress the right way and act the right way and follow all the rules, evil is going to find me anyway. So yeah, maybe it was a coincidence that Mikey got taken over. But all it means is I have no control, that I'm powerless. And if that's the case, I would rather be blamed."

Donnie blinks, stunned into silence. I take the opportunity to break from his hold. My lips quiver and I press them together into a line as I finish making lunch and set it on the table.

Then I turn and leave the room, my consciousness shutting down and leaving me on autopilot. My feet carry me through the lab doorway and over a chair where I slump down and put my head in my hands. For a moment I'm silent, trying to collect my thoughts. And then I speak.

"I'm sorry. I know I said I had faith in you, but...I don't have any faith in myself. And I know that you said everyone deserves a second chance but I'm starting to think that you giving me one was a mistake. It's my fault you're laying there. It's my fault you've been hurt and tortured and...and..." My voice cracks and I shake my head as tears cascade down my cheeks.

"Maybe one day...maybe one day when you're back to normal, we can be friends again. Maybe we never will. Maybe you'll never trust me again. But I'd rather lose you if it meant you were okay. I need to know that there's a way for people like us to end up okay. I need to know that there even is such a thing as okay, or maybe even just good, and it's out there and we just haven't found it yet. There has to be a happier ending than this, here. There has to be a better story. Because we deserve one. You deserve one."*

I swallow. "I know you already had a good life and a good story and a happy ending, and I went and messed it up royally. But I'll make it right somehow. I have to. You deserve to have a life here with your brothers and father, Mikey. You deserve to be happy...even if it means that you never want to see me again."

Silence is the only reply I get. My shoulders sag with the weight of bearing this guilt and pain and shame. I raise my head, preparing to see loathing or even hatred on Mikey's face. And then my blood freezes in my veins.

He's gone.

*This was a quote from Katja Millay's "The Sea of Tranquility." I changed it up a little bit, but I had to use it because there are so many good quotes from that book. I've never actually read the entire book, but Goodreads has plenty of quotes. Heh.

Please review.