Disclaimer: I still don't own Criminal Minds or any of the characters, but if anyone's selling, I am more than willing to buy :D

A/N: I have an excuse, although it is lame: I was practising my touch-typing. Meaning I typed six times slower than usual.

This chapter is dedicated to Amanda (AAnderson43) for writing me an essay on Star Trek when I asked for two lines, and inspiring me to start writing a Reid-centric one-shot. And thank you to AureliaMarie for your help too =)

XXX

"Alright," Rossi said, flipping over the first card. "Question one...Name the full name, birthplace, year of birth and parents of the character from Star Trek with the middle name 'Tiberius'."

Immediately, the cell phone on the desk rang, and Garcia quickly snatched it up. "Team Nerds Rock!"

"The character is James Tiberius Kirk." Reid started to reel off facts. "He was born in Riverside, Iowa in the year 2233, to George and Winona Kirk. The highest rank he ever obtained was Rear Admiral, although he was demoted back to Captain. In the movies, the character of Kirk is played by William Shatner, who also-"

"Okay, we get it," Morgan cut him off, annoyed. Emily high-fived Reid and stuck her tongue out at Morgan as Garcia called "Score: 1-0 to Team Nerds Rock."

"Whatever. Just read the next question."

Rossi picked up the next card. "Question two...How do you say 'Spock is part human, part Vulcan?' in Klingon?"

Barely had he finished speaking before the cell phone beeped shrilly. "Team Nerds Rock!"

Reid raised his hand, his mouth slightly open as he collected his thoughts. "...Spock oH QeD utlh yaS, patlh Vulcan."

As Emily pumped her fists in the air, Morgan's jaw dropped. "Now, I'm glad I didn't know the answer to that one."

"Don't be a sore loser!" Emily shot back, motioning to Rossi to read the next question.

"Question 3...in which year did Dr. Leonard 'Bones' McCoy die?"

Morgan threw his hands up in frustration as Rossi checked his cell phone and announced "Team Nerds Rock!"

Reid scrunched up his face. "Um, that's a trick question. There is no definite answer: in William Shatner's books, Bones' year of death was given as 2379, but some list his death as being in the year 2364."

Morgan sighed. "How the hell am I supposed to win against that?"

Emily smiled. "You don't."

He glared at her. "Just you wait until the next round. Just you wait..."

And so the questions went on. And on. And on.

"Question 6...which university did Bones attend?"

"Question 17...what is the definition of a Jedi warrior?"

"Question 25...how was Dr. McCoy reborn?"

"Question 31...in the third movie, what is the fourth line that Kirk says?"

"Question 48...what is the sixteenth word to be said in Star Wars Episode V?"

The final score was something like 50-0. At 16-0, Morgan had given up and simply stood there, not even trying to call the number first. It wouldn't have mattered- he knew nothing whatsoever about Star Trek. And Reid knew that. So did Garcia. He had a feeling the technical analyst had purposefully written Star Trek questions to put the odds in Team Nerds Rock's favour.

JJ had woken up ten minutes after the round started, and was now sitting huddled in a corner with Hotch, Rossi and Garcia, who she had forcibly dragged to the corner to 'count up the points'.

"JJ..." Morgan said impatiently, tapping his foot on the floor. "Hurry up!"

"We can't!" she retorted. "We have to count the scores!"

He scoffed. "It was like a hundred to zero, now just hurry up so we can start my round!"

"No!" She said angrily. "We have to count 'zactly how many! And we have to put the scores in an envelope! Now shuddup Morgan!"

He crossed his arms, amusing himself with thoughts of creaming Reid in the next round. Finally, the group in the corner straightened up and returned to their seats.

Garcia clapped her hands. "Thank you all for attending, however unwillingly, this year's BAU's Biggest Loser Contest." She started to open the sealed envelope in her hand. "And the winner of Round 1 is..."

"I wanna say it! I wanna say it!" JJ shrieked, jumping up and down and waving her hand in the air. Garcia moved away to let her stand in the middle of the room, giving her the envelope. "The winner...is...duh-duh-duh...I wonder who it is..." Morgan rolled his eyes. "I'm opening the envelope...and...it's...Team Nerds Rock!"

Emily and Reid, who had been perched on the edge of their seats in trepidation, turned to each other and high-fived, sticking their tongues out at Morgan, who scowled at them.

"Yeah, yeah, you won, now my turn." He pulled up a chair. "My round is simple: a pick-up-the-most-girls round. All you have to do is get cell phone numbers. Get the most digits, you win. All clear? Let's go."

Reid looked considerably more nervous than he had a few seconds ago. Hopping off her chair, JJ went over to Morgan as they all walked out of Hotch's office.

"Can I play too?"

He considered, glancing at Hotch. "This contest is for nerds."

She looked surprised. "You're a nerd?"

"Yeah, sort of- just not the loser kind," he explained. "See, this competition is to see who's the most loser-like nerd, and who's the most hot nerd."

"But can I still play?"

One-track mind, he thought. "Sure, I guess. Whose team do you want to be on?"

JJ shrugged, cocking her head to one side as she examined the contestants for each team. "The win-est ones."

"They're winning right now," he said, jerking his head in Reid's direction. "Team Nerds Rock."

"But I don't want to be a nerd!"

"Then you can be on my team," he said, thinking that, if anything, she could help him gauge which women were most likely to give in easily.

JJ frowned. "But you're not winning."

"No," he agreed.

She huffed at them. "Fine! I'll just be on your team. But I can switch teams if I want."

"That's cool," he replied, shrugging. He raised his voice. "I say we go to Jay's place again." At the nods of agreement from everyone around, they walked out to the elevators, taking great care to use phrases like "Critical incident stress debriefing" and "Narcissistic by nature but displays signs of schizoid personality disorder" as they passed Strauss' office, which, Emily and JJ were pleased to note, stunk like a pig sty.

Morgan nodded wisely as they tiptoed past. "Yeah, Hotch, I agree with what you said about the Oppositional Defiant Disorder, but it could also have manifested as Tardive Dyskenisia in a Cluster B personality wit- Okay, she's on the phone, we can run!"

They quickly skirted past the open door and into the elevators. Piling into one of the SUVs, they drove to Jay's Corner.

"Alright," Morgan said, once they were all comfortably seated at a side table. "Rossi, Hotch and Garcia are judges. They decide if anyone's cheating. Anyone want to add any rules?"

Hotch spoke up. "Forty-five minute time limit. And JJ and Emily cannot ask for anyone's number, whether that person be male or female."

"Definitely."

"Agreed."

"That would just be asking for trouble."

"Don't want to attract any pedophiles."

"And also," JJ piped up, "I'm allowed to switch teams. Whenever I want."

"So it's pretty much guaranteed that you're gonna be on the winning team," Morgan said, nudging her. "Okay, Nerds Rock, go sit one table up. Here's your bag to put the phone numbers in." He handed Reid a small cloth pouch. "We sex bombs will go sit one table down. That way the judges can keep an eye on us all."

The teams situated themselves at their respective tables, glancing around at the bar. It wasn't full, since it had barely gone six, but the place was slowly filling up, and was at least half-full already.

"What's our strategy?" Reid asked, looking at Emily for help. "You have more experience with this sort of thing."

"I don't know," she answered, shrugging. "Some girls go for that geeky vibe you have going, so maybe if you, I don't know, do something geeky?" She glanced at Morgan's table helplessly. "We're screwed for this round anyway. No offense."

"The chances of us winning this round are slim," Reid agreed glumly. "But we could probably win the competition, if we lose by less to them this round than they lost to us last round."

Emily brightened. "That shouldn't be hard. The final score was 59-0 to us." She brought her face closer to Reid's. "Listen up, Mr. I'm-so-amazing-I-have-an-eidetic-memory-and-I-can-read-10,000-words-per-minute-"

"-20,000..."

"-if you mess this up and I officially become the biggest loser in the BAU, I will personally hunt you down and slowly remove every inch of dignity you have left in the most painful and humiliating ways I can think of. Capik?"

Reid swallowed. Then, in a whisper: "It's capiche. With a 'sh' at the end."

Emily leaned back, rolling her eyes. "Whatever, Reid. Toush."

"Touché."

Emily frowned at him. Reid quickly changed the subject. "So how about our strategy is to find a few girls who, as you said, go for the geeky vibe, and then we can maybe use a few psychology tricks on them? Play them against each other to elicit jealous reactions? Or perhaps I could do some physics mag-"

"-No. No way." Emily shook her head resolutely. "No physics magic. But I know what we can do..."

Meanwhile, at Team Sex Bombs' table, JJ and Morgan had overheard the first line of Reid and Emily's conversation.

"They're making up a strategy," JJ announced, looking at Morgan expectantly.

"We have a strategy," he replied defensively, stretching back on his chair and smiling at a few women that passed by. "I unleash my magic and the ladies just come towards us...like moths to a flame..."

JJ wrinkled her nose. "Ew."

Morgan saw Reid and Emily huddled over their table, deep in conversation. Suddenly, he didn't feel so confident. "They're both smart. What if they think up a really good game plan?" he asked, more to himself than to JJ.

"Then we think up a better one!"

"Alright..." He nodded at her. "I'm listening...what's your strategy?"

JJ beamed. "Simple. Cheat and win!"

"We'll go with that."

xxx

Forty-five minutes later, Garcia went to get Reid and Rossi called Morgan and JJ over. They all sat down, squashed together at the four-person table.

"And, first, we have the sensational sex bombs!" Garcia clapped.

Morgan smirked. "Well, this wasn't hard at all. And we got a total of..." He emptied out a small bag full of slips of paper. "Twelve cell phone numbers!"

"Nice," Rossi said approvingly, collecting them all. He passed them to Garcia. "Our wonderful technical analyst will run them through her computer to check they're all real..." Garcia typed frantically for a few minutes, and then nodded.

"Yup. Real as I am."

"So that's twelve for Team Sex Bombs. And now..." Rossi said dramatically. "Team Nerds Rock!"

Reid and Emily exchanged nervous glances. Then they slowly opened their pouch and emptied it onto the tabletop. A torrent of paper slips fell out.

"Twenty-one numbers," Emily said sweetly. "I guess we know who the winners are."

"What?" Morgan pushed the pile towards Garcia. "Check them! They cheated!"

Garcia typed each number in. "Nope, sorry, sugarbun. They're all legit."

"Double-check! They have to be fake!" Morgan's world stopped making sense. "There's no way they beat us! Beat me!" Then, turning to JJ: "You're the worst cheater I've ever met!"

"Am not!" she protested. "My idea was good!"

"You cheated?" Emily gasped. When JJ nodded, she grinned widely. "So did we!"

"How did you cheat?" Hotch asked Morgan.

"We didn't cheat, exactly. We just got six of the numbers by JJ saying she was lost, asking to call her mom, aka me, and me recording the number that called my phone." Morgan shrugged, unafraid to admit to cheating since they'd lost anyway. "How did you guys cheat?"

Emily shook her head at him. "We didn't cheat; we just skirted the rules a little."

"How?" Hotch asked suspiciously.

"Well," Reid replied, smiling, "we organized a competition."

Hotch sighed, wondering if he would have to bail anyone out of jail. "An illegal competition?"

"Well, not a legit one," Emily admitted. "But after it took him thirty minutes to get one number, and only because he bribed the woman, we figured it was our best shot. So we passed out sheets for winning a weekend in Hawaii, and all these drunk girls fell for it and wrote down their phone numbers, and their addresses."

Morgan's ears perked up. "Okay, two things. One: Could I borrow those sheets once you're done? And two: That's against the rules!"

"If you go over the contest rules," Reid countered smoothly, "you'll see that although the 'Weekend in Hawaii' scam was illegal, it was not against the contest rules. So we won."

"Fair and square," Emily added. She paused. "Except for the fair part."

JJ looked at Morgan, then picked up his hand and shook it. "It was nice working with you Morgan. But I think my skills are better suited to their team." She hopped under the table to sit next to Reid. "Hi, I'm your new teammate. Did we win?"

"We won!" Emily cried.

"In. Your. Face!" JJ stuck out her tongue at Morgan. "Loser!"

"Loser face, loser pants, loser shirt, loser arms, loser legs, loser loser everywhere..." Emily sang.

"Don't be so immature," Reid chided. "Morgan?"

"Yes, Reid?"

"Loser."

XXX

A/N: I have a Hotch/Prentiss two-shot up. It's called "It Isn't Always A Mistake".

Don't forget to vote at the CM Profiler's Choice Awards! Link on my profile. Also, there's a poll on my profile too.

Maddie xxx