Learning to Walk Again
Chapter 12
The day of the funeral had arrived and Deeks was not looking forward to it. Kensi had been back at his house for the past few days and she rarely ventured out of her room. She ate very little, talked even less and spent most of her time in bed. The physical wounds were healing well, but her mental state would require a great deal of time and therapy to bring her back to some semblance of normalcy. Her refusal to see a doctor or anyone other than Deeks was a major road block on her road to recovery. Unfortunately Nate was not available for some time and the advice that Deeks was given by various professionals was mixed at best and gave him no clear avenue to follow. So basically he was on his own for now until something changed.
Mr. Banks had returned from the hospital and picked up Lincoln a few days ago. The poor puppy was torn when he had to leave Kensi. They had developed such a strong bond in a short period of time but sadly he couldn't stay.
It was eight in the morning and Deeks was sitting in the kitchen having a coffee. Lucas had called to see how Kensi was and to find out if they were going to the funeral. At that specific point in time, it was still up in the air, but they agreed to proceed as if they were going unless Deeks called it off. He also updated his partner on the status of the nurse that killed Talia. She was recovering in ICU and would soon be moved to the psychiatric ward for further evaluation. She had yet to utter a single word since they pulled her out of the SUV. So the police were not getting any further information on why she tried to kill Kensi as well.
As Deeks drained the last of the coffee he contemplated the dilemma he was faced with.
He basically had two choices for today: he could leave her as she was in bed and face another day of excruciating silence and worry or he could take a different approach and be a little more proactive and try to jump start her recovery. As he finished the coffee he made the decision. Good or bad he was going to try something new. He just prayed it didn't back fire and make things worse.
The detective was soon preparing a batch of chocolate chip pancakes, fresh coffee and orange juice. He had some strawberries he had picked up yesterday so he cut them up and placed them on a bowl next to the pancakes on the tray and headed for her room.
Entering slowly, he could see that she was still under the blankets staring off into space.
"I made you a little breakfast, so why don't you sit up and have something to eat. I've be slaving away all morning getting this ready."
"I'm not really hunger right now." Her voice sounded weak and tired.
Placing the tray down, Deeks sat next to her on the bed and brushed her hair back off her face so he could look at her.
"Kensi, you need to get up, eat some food, take a good long shower and then get ready to go."
"I'm not going anywhere." Again the words sounded slow and tired.
"Kens, today is Talia's funeral, we both need to be there."
"I….I don't know if I can, even if I wanted to." A tear escaped and ran down her face. She was still in a lot of pain, Deeks could see that, but he pressed on.
"Princess, if you don't go you will regret it for the rest of your life. This is something that happens only once, if you miss this last time to pay your respects to Talia, you will never have the opportunity again.
You, no, we must be there for her. We owe her that."
"What if I can't make it through the whole funeral? What if I breakdown?"
"Then we will handle it. Everyone is attending. Hetty flew back just to be there, Sam, Callen, Eric, Nell and the rest of the team. We will all be there to help."
Deeks took her hand and brought it up to his lips and kissed it.
"Princess, please try. I will be with you every step of the way. I've always had your back and I always will."
"Promise." She was looking straight into his eyes when she said it.
"Every step. Starting with you eating your breakfast."
Taking a deep breath, she sat up in bed and let Deeks slowly feed her a few bites of the pancake. It took some time, but he managed to get her to have two pancakes and a few strawberries.
"This is a good start. Okay we can take it slow. Now let's get you into that shower."
He winked as he said shower, prompting a small smile. Her eyes also seemed to shine for a split second and that was a good sign.
"Now that's what I'm talking about. So do you want the full Deeks shower experience with shampooing and back scrub or the basic rinse and dry?" He flashed her a wide grin as he raised and lowered his eye brows quickly.
"I think I can manage on my own." She let out a small laugh as she got up and headed for the bathroom. Deeks was glad to see her sense of humour wasn't completely gone and the laugh, forced as it was, was still an attempt.
Following her in the bathroom, Deeks started the shower and place a couple of towels down on the vanity for her.
"I'm going to be right outside, just in case you need something."
She nodded as he closed the door behind him.
Deeks leaned against the door as he let out a long slow breath. This was a good first step, but it was a long road ahead.
As he listened to the water running in the shower, he noticed that the sound wasn't changing, it was constantly the same.
Knocking on the door, to announce his presence, he entered the bathroom.
"Kens, you alright?" The words were not even out of his mouth when he saw Kensi standing in the exact same spot as he left her.
"What's the matter? Is the water too hot?"
He stood behind her and rubbed her arms lightly. "You can do this. You need to do this. Please trust me, you will feel worse if you don't go to the funeral."
"Help me." Was all she said.
"Okay, we can do it together." He slowly undressed her and guided her into the shower and stepped in behind her fully dressed. Gently he washed her hair and her back, touching upon every scar and memorizing its location. As she rinsed the soap and shampoo off her body he handed her the sponge and waited until she completed the rest of her body.
As they stood under the water for several minutes, letting the warmth soothe their bodies, he embraced her and kissed the top of her head.
"Come on, let's get ready. Lucas will be here soon to pick us up."
"You know you could have undressed. It would have been okay."
"I just figured it would save me doing the laundry later."
She turned around and faced him, looking straight into his eyes and kissed him on the cheek. "Thank you."
It was at this moment that Kensi realized that things could be like they were. That they had a chance at a life together. That they could make it work.
Stepping out of the shower, he wrapped her in one of the towels and took the other for himself. "Do you need me to help you get dressed?"
She looked over at her ex-partner and friend and shook her head.
"I think I can manage." She said quietly into the towel.
Baby steps. That's all he thought to himself as he left her to get ready. Baby steps in the right direction and we will get there. It was the reaction he was hoping for and could build on.
Kensi heard a knock at the door and soon after male voices talking. She assumed that Lucas had arrived and was waiting with Deeks by the door. She checked herself in the mirror one last time and straighten out her dress. Deeks had gone to her apartment and picked up a long black dress, low black shoes and a black Bolero type jacket with long sleeves. Her hair was down and wavy. She grabbed a pair of sunglasses off the dresser and went out to meet the men. When she looked up and first caught sight of Deeks and Lucas, she was blown away. They were both wearing their formal blue uniforms, with hat and gloves in hand.
"You guys look good. I didn't know you still had your uniforms."
"Thanks. We wanted to show our respect for Talia so we all decided to wear the uniform. We even forced Deeks to go and find it." Lucas had a small grin on his face because he knew how much Deeks hated wearing it.
Looking at Kensi, Deeks offered his elbow "Shall we?"
She smiled at the gesture and took it willingly. Lucas held the door open for them and they were on their way.
The ride to the cemetery was quiet, as each were lost in their own thoughts about Talia and the day ahead. They soon pulled up to the area where the service was to be held and made their way to the burial site. There were a lot of people in attendance from various federal agencies and local law enforcement as well. Kensi tightened her grip on Deeks' arm as they approached the gathering, feeling all kinds of guilt that she was the one still alive. They soon found Sam, Callen and the rest of the team, including Hetty, standing behind Talia's family members. Once they all exchanged silent greetings, the team seemed to create a wall around Kensi and Deeks. Hetty and Nell were next to Kensi with Callen and Sam directly behind her. Lucas was next to Deeks and a few of the other detectives from the squad right behind him, all in their formal blues. Kensi didn't notice the strange group dynamics that was occurring, but Deeks did and whispered "Alright" under his breath.
As the ceremony progressed, Kensi pressed herself closer and closer to Deeks, trying to disappear completely. Hetty could see what was happening and took Kensi' hand and gave it squeeze, hopefully reassuring her that they were all there for her, if she needed them. Kensi didn't notice the contact.
Once the service was complete, everyone slowly began to move back to their vehicles but Kensi would not budge, she just stared at the coffin.
"Kens, you okay?" Deeks could feel both of her hands holding on to his arm now and he was becoming more and more concerned. Maybe it was a bad idea to come to the funeral. Maybe it was too soon?
As he turned to face Kensi he noticed an older woman, dressed all in black, start walking towards them. This must be Talia's mother he thought and she was heading right for Kensi. This could go wrong in a hundred different ways and Deeks was bracing for the worst.
The woman stopped directly in front of Kensi and looked up into her eyes. She could see that Kensi had been crying and the guilt that she was struggling with.
"Are you the agent that my Talia saved?" The words were delivered soft and without judgement. Kensi couldn't speak, she was overcome with emotion, so she just nodded.
The woman gently reached up and cupped Kensi' face with soft, trembling hands as she moved closer and kissed the agent on the cheek.
"Bless you my dear. If my Talia saved you, then you are special. You must still need to do great things. Please remember her always."
Talia's mother kissed Kensi one more time, wiped the tears away with her thumb and returned to be with the rest of her family.
Kensi was still at a loss for words so she turned and buried her face into Deeks' chest and continued to cry. Slowly Deeks was able to guide her to the car, placing her in the back seat, he climbed in with her and waited for Lucas.
Hetty had pulled G away from the rest of the team looking for news on the men that had tortured Kensi.
"Hetty, we are still trying to confirm their location. Nothing concrete as of yet."
"Very well Mr. Callen. I know you will keep at it until you locate them." She stopped for a moment and then continued "How are you going to handle Ms. Blye and her current situation?"
G had no real answer for Hetty.
"She is going on an extended leave until we can get Nate or someone she trusts to assess her state of mind. This could take time Hetty."
"I see Mr. Callen. Have you considered using Mr. Deeks in some capacity to help the process along? She seems to be in good hands and trusts him implicitly."
"I don't know if I want to explore that venue just yet. She may require more professional help."
Hetty was not at all happy with that response but decided to let it go for now. She needed Callen to do her a favor so she could only push so much.
"I will leave it to you then. Now I was hoping you could ask Eric to run these names for me. Whatever you can find will be very helpful."
She handed him a piece of paper with the names on it. "We will be in touch Mr. Callen." She walked back to her car leaving G standing there slapping the paper against the palm of his hand and thinking "What is she up to now?" As usual, he would need to wait before some of the pieces fell into place, at least the pieces she wanted to fall and in the places she needed them to land.
Back home Deeks was sitting on the couch with Kensi lying on his chest and in his arms. Lucas had dropped them off and went back to the office. Kensi was still a little shaken but was beginning to come around.
"You feeling better?"
"Great things? I don't know about great things for me."
"Kens, I think she was just saying not to feel guilty for being here. To live your life to the fullest and remember Talia."
Kensi tightened her hug on Deeks as he rubbed her shoulder.
"We're going to be alright. You need to believe me."
Before she could say another word, there was a knock at the door. Kensi moved allowing him to get up and answer the door.
Standing there was Callen and he didn't look happy.
"Can I come in? I need to talk to you and Kensi."
Deeks stood back and let the agent in, closing the door behind him.
Kensi sat up on the couch and ran her hand through her hair. Deeks walked over and stood behind the couch, waiting for G to start.
"Kensi, I'm placing you on medical leave. I can't have you out in the field or for that matter, at OPS until you can deal with this. I have the names of several good doctors you can talk to. Please give one of them a call and make an appointment, you need to talk about this."
He looked up at Deeks with a look that asked for help. Kensi noticed the little exchange and jumped to her feet.
"Don't look at him. He has his own problems and certainly doesn't need to drive me around town or baby sit me. I can take care of myself."
She turned and stormed into her bedroom slamming the door behind her.
"So that went well. I hope your next trick involves disappearing." Deeks was upset with G, his delivery lacked sensitivity and actually made the situation worse.
"Deeks, I need you to convince her to see a doctor. Professional help is the only way to get her back in the field. She will listen to you, she trusts you."
"Callen, she needs time to sort this out. I'll do everything I can, but you need to back off for a while." Deeks was now standing by the door with his hand on the door knob.
"Alright, alright. Please call me if you need anything. I'm still going to try and get Nate, but it's not going to be any time soon."
Just as he was leaving G turned around and gave Deeks one last look and a little nod. Deeks returned the nod and closed the door.
Damn, just when she was starting to make some progress. Was all Deeks could think as he leaned against the door. He had to do get her out of this environment, it was the only way he could control what she was exposed to.
He made his way to her bedroom and knocked on the door "Can I come in?"
Slowly opening the door, he looked for her on the bed and he could see her figure lying there, staring at the ceiling.
"Kens, we need to talk about this."
He walked over and sat on the edge of the bed, taking her hand and giving it a squeeze.
"Hey, look at me."
Turning her head she looked down at their hands and squeezed back. She then turned on her side, facing him. "What am I going to do Deeks? I don't know how to fix this."
He could see a tear escape and make its way down her cheek. He rubbed her arm and kissed her on the head "We are going to figure this out, I promise."
Just as he finished the sentence, there was a knock at the door. "What now, did Callen forget something? I'll be right back."
He got up and headed for the door. He was just about to leave the bedroom when he thought he heard Kensi say "We always do." He stopped for a second, resting his hand on the door frame, smiled to himself and said "Yes, we always do."