Dan: Hey, guys.

Moolie: Oh…hi, Dan…

Aggie: WHAT DO YOU WANT.

Dan: Um…I was just wondering if I could retrieve my laptop.

Ginny: No. You can't have it.

Carol: ATTACK!

Dan: Ahhh!

…

Chapter Twelve: Operation Dust

"Why, Lord Haldir, it's wonderful to see you again!" Aragorn said through gritted teeth.

The group stood on the battlements, readying for, well, battle.

"Why yes, I was getting a bit booored back at hooome, so I decided to joooin the battle," Haldir said.

Aragorn then said, "Yeah, I've laid out the battle plans and I've gone over all the strategies and I think this'll be my best work yet," but to Haldir it sounded like, "Yada yada manliness yada yada testosterone yada yada football." So the Elf just turned and walked away, revealing Gimli, who was standing behind him.

Gimli sighed. "Well, with your luck, let's hope we will last the night."

"Yeah, I'm just that awesome," Aragorn said nonchalantly. He slapped Gimli and Legolas on the shoulder, and patted Azimah's. "K, good luck you guys. See ya later in the battle. Don't forget about Operation Dust." He ran away to stand in front of the Elf archers.

"'Operation Dust'?" Azimah repeated. Legolas and Gimli remained impassive. The dwarf cleared his throat and changed the subject.

"How come you don't have a bow like the rest of the Elves, Azimah?" he asked.

She chuckled. "Because I can't aim worth sh-"

"Language," Legolas chided.

Meanwhile, Théoden was staring gloomily into the distance when it began to rain.

"Just what we need…"he mumbled.

"Relax, this just adds to the dramatic effects." Aragorn said.

Théoden eyed him suspiciously. "What 'dramatic effects'?"

Aragorn put a finger to his lips. "Shh…" he whispered as he slunk away into the shadows.

"That was weird." Théoden said.

"Yeah, he does that."

(Back with the Merry Men of Gondor.)

"Wake up!"

Fado jolted awake. She groggily rubbed her eyes. Looking up she saw a strange young guard standing over her. He thrust a warm bowl in her hands.

"It's porridge!" He said brightly. "And it's happy to see you!"

Fado looked glumly down at the gloop where a few raspberries had been arranged into a lopsided smiley-face.

Fado smiled weakly, and reluctantly accepted a spoon, poking at the questionable content of her bowl. The guard sat down next to her.

"Why the special treatment? Who are you anyway?" She asked hollowly.

"Satchel, Private Satchel. I've been assigned to guard you, I thought we might as well break the ice seeing as we're stuck together."

Fado immediately spat out the porridge and pushed the bowl away. "What's in there?" She asked warily, "Why are you being so nice?"

Satchel held up his hands. "Nothing, honest. Don't you trust me?"

Fado turned away from him, "I can't trust anyone anymore…" she whispered.

Satchel sighed. He got to his feet and started walking out, then stopped.

"To be completely honest," He rubbed the back of his head sheepishly. "I felt bad for what they did to you two, that's why I brought it."

"What did you say?" Fado looked at him slowly.

"You and the little curly dude." Satchel said "Didn't you know?"

Fado looked puzzled.

Satchel looked around nervously, he could get in big trouble for telling her, but she looked so sad…

"It was a set up," he whispered. "Madril set it up so that it looked like the little man gave you over. That way you'd be mad at each other. Divide and conquer, you know?" He heard footsteps coming. "Look, I gotta go, enjoy your porridge!"

And with that he was gone.

"Oh no…" Fado whispered, putting her head in her hands. "Oh no no no no no… Why didn't I listen…"

She suddenly remembered all the things she had said to him, "I'm so sorry…"

(Back at Helm's Deep…)

The Uruk-Hai were coming closer, and were now in shooting range.

"Archers, get ready!"

Aragorn whipped around. "Hey, I'm supposed to say that!"

"This is my army!" Théoden yelled back as he shook his fist at Aragorn.

He and Aragorn were soon exchanging complete nonsense at the top of their lungs while the Uruk-Hai drew nearer.

Azimah's eyes widened at the sheer number of them. "How are we going to defeat them all?"

"Why, it'll be eeeasy, my dear. With us Elves here- and yours truly- we will suuurely last the night." Haldir droned.

"That's very reassuring." Azimah muttered.

The Uruk-Hai had stopped by now. They began to shriek and beat their spears on the ground.

"What is it? I can't see anything!" Gimli grunted as he hopped unsuccessfully to see over the battlements.

"Would you like me to describe it to you," Legolas added as looked down at him with a smirk, "or would you like me to find you a box?"

Azimah whistled. "That was harsh Legolas."

Aragorn could be heard, shouting at the Elf archers to stay calm and hold their arrows.

Suddenly, an arrow from the other battlements struck an Uruk-Hai dead. Aragorn had an aneurism.

Now the Uruk-Hai were really mad. And so, the Battle of Helms Deep began.

The archers started volleying the Uruk-Hai who began running at the main door. Meanwhile, the rest of the Uruk-Hai threw ladders up onto the battlements and climbed up.

"YES!"

"Geez, Gimli, don't get ahead of yourself." Azimah said as Gimli chopped yet another Uruk-Hai in the crotch.

"But this is the most I've killed yet. Three!" the dwarf shouted triumphantly.

Legolas smiled. "I'm on 24 already."

Gimli stopped. His eye twitched. He turned on another Uruk-Hai and slashed at it…in the crotch again.

Haldir ran by, chasing an Uruk-Hai. His hair- it was perfect.

Azimah turned around after felling an Uruk-Hai. Both Gimli and Legolas were gone. "Legolas? Gimli? Guys?"

"Look out!" Aragorn yelled as he jumped behind her, killing another Uruk-Hai.

"Thanks." Azimah said before she spun around and thrust her glaive into another Uruk-Hai. She suddenly jerked to the side as a blade grazed her right arm. Her glaive found its way into the Uruk-Hai's chest.

The sound of snickering caught her ear. She looked up and saw a thin wire hanging some ways above the battlements. Her eyes followed it to the higher battlements. There, Legolas stood with Gimli on his shoulders.

Beside her, Aragorn took out two red flags and began waving them.

"Wha…?" Azimah asked.

"Crop dusting." Aragorn said simply.

Suddenly, Legolas flung Gimli down the wire as a zip line. Gaseous fumes trailed in his wake, felling many Uruk-Hai who were under him.

"You've got to be kidding me…" Azimah muttered, shaking her head.

Without warning, Gimli swooped into an unsuspecting Aragorn.

"Oh, bother-" The two collapsed to the ground.

A sudden cheer erupted from the Uruk-Hai outside the walls. Gimli, Azimah, and Aragorn peeked over the battlements. An Uruk-Hai was running towards the wall, carrying a large Olympic flag. Another one ran behind him, carrying a large torch.

"This can't be good…" Aragorn muttered. "Shoot him down, Legolas!" he screamed.

The Uruk-Hai let out a resounding "Boo!" as Legolas shot two arrows at the one holding the torch. But they started cheering again when the Uruk-Hai with the torch jumped majestically onto the pile of spiky bombs. And the wall blew up.

*Collective gasp*

"Aieeee!" Gimli shrieked as he was launched into the air.

(Once again, we visit our friends in Sherwood-not really-Forest.)

She sat in her cell trying to figure out what to do. Fado combed her hands furiously through her hair trying to think of a way to apologize. She tried to calm down, she'd been having a nervous twitch lately. The voice was getting harder to fight, but she was sure she could handle it. At least she hoped so. She shook her head. Of course, she would. She'd promised Frodo she'd help him get to Mordor; she was going to have to deal with it.

Or so you think girly...

Fado shivered, that was a new one. Or maybe it was the old voice. She couldn't tell anymore. She curled herself tighter.

Oh, it won't be long. The closer you are, the more power I gain from the Dark Lord.

Fado shivered harder. Control. She needed control. Freezing claws ripped at her lungs, her body was burning and freezing at once. The voice was laughing inside her head, throbbing, pulsating. It cackled harder as she began to thrash violently on the floor. The spirit finally finished its fun. Fado felt it loosen its grasp.

She lay still. She realized now. She wasn't going to make it to Mordor. But she would do everything in her power to make sure that Frodo did.

(Now, to war!)

"Are you sure…you don't want…a ride…Miss Nora?"

"Nah, I'm fine walking," Nora told Treebeard.

Merry climbed majestically to the tallest point of Treebeard. "I don't see any Orcs," he said as he shaded his eyes to see the surroundings better.

"They're…out there…" Treebeard warned.

"How are we going to get in?" asked Pippin.

"Break…the wall…down," Treebeard responded.

"That's a little extreme," Merry muttered.

The Ents gathered at the outer walls of Isengard.

"Alright…Entlemen…" Treebeard said. "Who wants…to be…the battering ram..?"

"Meeee…eeee!" said Otis the Overactive Oak Tree. He lay down on the ground as the other Ents bent to pick him up. "Let's…do…this thing!"

Treebeard quickly put Merry and Pippin on the ground beside Nora and went to help his fellow Ents. The Ents began hitting the outer walls with their slowly excited comrade. Otis uttered a war cry between each strike.

"Yeah!" Bmffff. "Yeah!" Bmffff. "Go Ents!" Bmffff.

Finally, there was a great shattering sound as the wall crumbled against Otis's enthusiasm. The Ents stopped for a brief chest bump before sauntering into Isengard.

"Wow…" Merry said. "It's …quiet?"

It was indeed silent enough to hear a hobbit drop. Nora felt Pippin take her hand. She looked down and was surprised to see that for once he had a serious look on his face.

"I want you to stay by me," he said quietly.

Nora was not used to this new solemn Pippin, but didn't question him. "Okay," she responded quietly, gripping his hand harder.

"…Bring it..!" Otis suddenly bellowed. Orcs, Men, and Uruk-Hai sprang out of nowhere waving nasty-looking weapons and wearing less than savory looks.

Treebeard turned, slowly lifted his right hand, and slapped Otis. "You…idiot…"

The Ents began to gallop forward into battle. Pippin, Merry, and Nora were soon lost in the fray.

"We have to get on one of the Ents!" Merry yelled above all the chaos. Pippin suddenly pulled Nora out of the way as a screaming Orc skidded across the ground. They dipped, ducked, dived, and dodged over to the nearest Ent, Bert the Birch Tree.

"Hop on…little ones!" Bert the Birch Tree said as he swung his arm defensively at an oncoming horde of Men. Merry scrambled on first. He then pulled Pippin up, who quickly turned and helped Nora up.

"Hold…on!" Bert the Birch Tree yelled. He began to run straight into the advancing enemies. Bert, however, soon realized could not handle the shear amount of adversaries. The trio held on tightly as he began to sway under the attackers. Pippin pulled Nora close, "We need to jump!" he yelled to Merry.

"Where?" Merry bellowed back.

Nora searched around frantically. She finally spotted Pete the Peach Tree, not to be confused with Pete the Pine Tree, dashing across the warzone. "There!" she yelled.

"On my count!" Merry yelled. "One! Two! Three!"

They joined hands and leaped off of Bert and onto Pete who, frankly, hadn't realize he had become a vehicle.

"We need to get to Treebeard," Pippin said.

"Right," Merry said.

The three then jumped from Pete the Peach Tree onto Pete the Pine Tree. Nora yelped as a nearby war tower toppled, the falling debris causing her to almost lose her balance. "Here!" Pippin grabbed her hand and steadied her.

"Look, our tree house!" Merry said, pointing across the battle.

Rufus the Rowan Tree had not yet realized that someone had built a bungalow on him.

"Alright, guys," Nora said. "We've got one shot to jump through the door. Ready?"

"Jump!" Merry said, launching himself off of Pete and flying through the door. Nora jumped a second after him and skidded across the polished hardwood floor of the tree house, bumping against the Elizabethan china cabinet in the corner. Pippin soared through the door and knocked into Merry.

"Look guys!" Merry said, picking up pieces of rubble that littered the floor. "We have some ammo now!"

They filled their pockets quickly, then began sniping Orcs from the tree house windows. That is until Nora noticed that the several of them had obtained flaming arrows.

"Look out!" she yelled, tackling Merry and Pippin away from the window. The arrows barely missed them, lodging into the floor and igniting the hardwood.

They immediately began coughing from the smoke. Nora yelled as the smoke stung her eyes. Unable to see, she lost her balance, tumbling to the floor.

Pippin quickly scrambled over to her, beating the flames off of her clothing. "Merry," he rasped as loudly as he could. "We have to get out of here!"

"I can see Treebeard," Merry yelled. "Get Nora over here. TREEBEARD!"

Treebeard galumphed over to them. Merry jumped out onto his back, scrambling to find a seat. He began pelting off Orcs below.

Pippin pulled Nora to her feet.

"Do you trust me?" he asked.

Nora nodded as she continued to rub her eyes.

"Then jump!" he pushed her out the door. Merry caught her and helped her find her footing. In the fresh air, Nora blinked furiously to defog her vision. She was able to see Pippin jump out of the tree house just in time.

Merry pelted another Orc, hitting him squarely in the face.

"A hit…a...fine hit!" Treebeard said approvingly. Nora, having regained her sight, pelted Orcs angrily to make up for lost time.

Pippin saw a figure in the distance running towards them. "Oh, sugar honey iced tea," he muttered.

"Heeeeeelp…meee!" Otis yelled as he ran towards them. He was crawling with Orcs, who were desperately trying to hold on to and hack away at him at the same time.

"Otis… stay away!" Treebeard warned. But before he could stop anything from happening, an Orc launched himself off of Otis and recklessly grabbed Nora. Pippin turned in time to see Nora lose her balance and tumble to earth.

"NORA!"

(ONE MORE TIME.)

Satchel grumbled as he grabbed his Swiffer and headed to the cells.

"She's your charge, they say. Clean her cell they say. Hurry up they say…"

Entering the cell, Satchel saw that Madril and his men had already retrieved Fado. He spotted her bowl in the corner. Walking over, he saw that she had eaten all the raspberries and instead, tiny pebbles from the cell floor were nestled in the cold porridge in the shape of a heart.

Satchel sniffed a little, pressing the bowl to his heart, causing the porridge to spill all down the front of his tunic.

"Damn."

….

Moolie: I am so sorry.

Dan: It's alright. I think I've regained the feeling in my arm.

Moolie: Well, that's good?

Dan: Yeah…can I have my laptop back now?

Aggie: NEVER!

*Throws laptop out the window.*

Ginny: What the hell, man!

Aggie: Oops…