Author's Notes: Well for better or worse here is the next chapter. Warning: This chapter deals with sexual assault, rape and torture and contains quite a few spoilers for SVU. I'm trying to keep everything as close to canon as possible but I haven't seen every episode since Chris Meloni left the show so I apologize if I have any of the details incorrect. It's been a very difficult chapter to write due to the material I needed to cover and I hope I did it justice. I pray none of us ever have to endure a sexual assault. I thought about splitting this chapter but decided to give you everything instead of making it a cliff hanger. Thank you for all the reviews and please drop me a comment to let me know what you think of this chapter.
Disclaimer: I wish I owned Law & Order: SVU but that role is still held by Dick Wolf. I own nothing but the crazy idea for the story and all grammar errors.
Apartment of Olivia Benson
Manhattan, New York
Friday, September 26
At times throughout the day, Elliot thought he was doomed to miss his date with Olivia. It had been one meeting after another for him and he was beginning to think maybe being a captain wasn't such a good thing after all. Then a case had been dropped on him but he had managed to locate the boyfriend of the victim and arrest him for raping his girlfriend. He was now racing across town and it looked like he would make it with a few minutes to spare.
He had a feeling it was going to be a long night but hopefully by the end things would be back on track. He couldn't even think about the alternative of not being with Olivia. As he stood outside Liv's apartment waiting for her to answer, he wished he would have changed out of his suit but he was so worried about making it on time he hadn't even thought about changing or bring a change of clothes.
The door swung open to reveal a freshly showered Liv wearing a NYPD sweatshirt and black yoga pants. It may not have been an evening gown but it didn't matter to El. He was drinking her in like a man who hadn't had water in days and the weight which had been laying heavy on his heart was finally removed. He could see the week had been hard on her as well. He wanted nothing more than to draw her into his arms and never let go but he didn't want to push. Tonight, he was letting her call the shots and set the pace.
"Hi," Olivia said.
"Hi. I feel a little over dressed," Elliot replied with a smile.
"I have a solution for that," Liv said as she took his hand and pulled him into the apartment. While El had been taking in her appearance, Liv had been doing the same thing. The dark suit and tie looked amazing on him. His eyes looked so blue and the fabric showed off his fabulous physique. The man must be living in a gym she thought. With El's hand in hers, Liv's world started to spin the right way again. She hoped by the end of this night he would still want to be with her. However she was going to live for the moment just in case.
Liv lead El deeper into the apartment and then stopped him next to the breakfast bar. There was a question in El's eyes but he said nothing as Liv took her hands and placed them under his jacket by his hips. She slowly ran her hands up his stomach which caused El to jerk slightly at the contact and then on to his chest where she stopped briefly to feel the pounding of his heart before continuing up to push the jacket off his shoulders. She caught it before it fell to the floor and laid it on one of the chairs. She looked into his eyes and could see the need and want and something else she wasn't quite ready to admit she saw. She moved her hands to his necktie and worked on removing it. Once it was undone, she pulled it off and placed it on top of the jacket. With shaking fingers, Liv undid the first few buttons on his shirt too. She ventured one last look at El before sliding her arms down and around his waist to pull herself into a tight hug with her head buried under his neck breathing in his essence.
Throughout it all Elliot had remained as still as possible. He wanted to be able to give her whatever she needed and it wasn't like it was hard to let this gorgeous woman run her hands over his body...well it was but hopefully she didn't notice that reaction just yet. When Liv had finally looked at him, he tried to convey all his emotions through his eyes. They had always communicated well non-verbally and today was no exception. He could see how much she wanted him. As Liv's arms finally wrapped around him, he was propelled into action. His arms wrapped around her body and anchored her to him. He was quite happy to stand there all night if that is what she wanted. If he had to venture a guess, this was her way of gaining the strength she needed before she told him some deep dark secret that she was convinced would drive him away. However he knew there was nothing that could ever make that happen.
Neither one was sure how long they stood there but eventually Liv moved back slightly so she could look into the face of the man that meant everything to her. She knew they needed to talk but one last thing needed to be done first. With one arm still wrapped around El's waist, she ran the other up his back to his neck and with the slightest pressure urged his head down. Elliot showed no hesitation as he lowered his head and covered Liv's lips tenderly with his. El tried to keep the kiss light but the small moan that escaped Liv's throat spurred the man into action. He ran his hand up her back and into her silky hair holding her exactly where he wanted her as he ran his tongue over her lips begging to be let in. Liv granted the request and eagerly met his tongue with her own causing the kiss to grow in intensity. The taste and feel of each other was causing pure pleasure for them but the need for oxygen caused them to pull back.
"Sorry. I didn't mean to take control like that. I just needed to feel..."
Elliot quickly interrupted Olivia, "Nothing to be sorry for. I needed that just as much as you did. When you left, I thought that might be it," El said as he moved a stray piece of hair behind her ear and then caressed her cheek.
Olivia pulled away from El and walked towards the couch, "Well we still have a lot to talk about. You may not want to hang around afterwards."
"That is never going to happen," El stated as he followed behind her.
"You may want to wait until you hear what I say first."
"For sake of another argument, I'll wait but I can guarantee you we are going to be fine." Elliot was looking around but found no signs of Noah. "Where is the little man?"
Liv moved over to El and took his hand again and pulled him towards her bedroom.
Elliot loved how touchy feely Liv was being tonight but wasn't sure what she was up to now, "Liv?"
"Get your head out of the gutter, Stabler," she said as she opened up the door to reveal a sleeping Noah. "Poor little guy had a long day with Lucy. He pretty much crashed right after I fed him dinner. I put him in here so that we wouldn't disturb him."
"He's adorable. I swear he's grown since Saturday," Elliot said as he quietly made his way over to the sleeping boy and tucked the blanket back around Noah before making his way back to Olivia who stood in the doorway.
"Maybe a little. He's growing up so fast," she replied as she closed the door again. They moved back into the living room and she asked, "Did you eat?"
"I had something a little bit ago but if you haven't..."
Liv interrupted El, "No. I a...not right now. Maybe later. What about a drink?"
"Whatever you are having," Elliot replied.
"OK," Olivia said as she moved into the kitchen, grabbed two beers and made her way back to Elliot and gave him one of the bottles.
"Thanks," Elliot said and then took a long drink.
Liv took a seat at the other end of the couch and turned towards Stabler. She wished they could act as if Saturday night never happened but that wasn't possible and the longer she put off the discussion the harder it would become. Olivia took one more sip before she began, "I want to apologize for the other night and running out like that. I over reacted and old habits die hard. I should have stayed and talked things through."
"Liv, I'm sorry that what I said upset you so much. I didn't want to cause you any pain by what I said," Elliot said.
Liv continued, "I think that if we didn't cause each other some pain about talking about the past we should be worried. It means that we care...maybe more than we should but if there was no pain then this wouldn't matter."
"I understand and agree but I still don't want to hurt you. I have a feeling the problem was more with a comment I made about our experiences though. I was just trying to lighten the mood but I failed."
"Yeah and that's why I need to tell you things. I only ask that you hear me out. You've told me quite a bit about our time apart and I guess it's my turn now. Some of this isn't going to be easy for either one of us though."
"Whatever and whenever you want to tell me I'm always here for you," Elliot replied while looking directly into her beautiful face. No matter what he would always have her back.
"Thank you. I can't guarantee this will all make sense at times but hopefully it will eventually. I know you think you know everything about me and you do know most everything but there is one thing I never told you about while we were partners...it was just too hard. If we are really going to make this work, I don't want there to be any more secrets."
The confusion was clear on Elliot's face but he remained quiet waiting for Liv to continue.
"I told you nothing happened at Sealview but that wasn't exactly true. Everything that was in my report was true but I left out the part where Harris had me cuffed to a door with me on my knees. He a...he was pissed. There was nothing I could do. He started working on pulling down his zipper and pulling out his penis. He was right in front of me and said if I bit him that he would kill me. I had no idea where Fin was and I didn't think he was going to find me before it was too late.
"We tell victims not to fight because there is a better chance at survival and I thought here it is I'm going to have to put that theory to the test for myself. Things would have been different if I wasn't handcuffed...I could have bitten him or fought more but that wasn't an option. He placed his hands on my head, I turned my head trying to escape but there was nowhere to go. He rubbed his penis on my face...my a...my lips but I wouldn't open my mouth. He finally used his hands to force my mouth open but before he could stick his penis in Fin got there and stopped the attack."
Elliot was seething. She had gone through the painful ordeal without him. He should have been there. He knew something wasn't right after that case…why didn't he try harder to get her to open up about her time undercover. And why did it take Fin so long to find her? He should have protected her better. And he sure as hell should have told him something had happened at Sealview.
Olivia could practically see the wheels spinning in El's head. She knew he was pissed that Fin wasn't there sooner to stop things and he was likely blaming himself for not being there too "El, you can't blame Fin. He saved me and I made him promise to never say anything even to you. The only other person who knows how close Harris came is Melinda."
"Liv, why didn't you tell me? I would have been there for you."
"It was hard enough to admit it to myself. I know I could trust you. That wasn't the issue I just didn't want to talk about it. I wanted to just put it behind me and forget that it ever happened. I eventually had to see a psychiatrist though because I started having flashbacks and I almost shot a suspect because of it. You were going through things with Kathleen and I couldn't burden you with my problems. You needed to help your daughter."
Elliot couldn't believe her. Liv was going through one of the hardest things a woman may ever deal with and she was worried about his family more than herself. How was he ever going to make her understand and believe she was just as important as the people she was always trying to take care of? "I understand why you thought that way but I need you to promise me that you come to me...I pray to God nothing like this happens again." Elliot paused to regain his control…just the thought of anyone even possibly touching Liv angered hm. He took both of her hands in his before he continued, "I'm not just talking about an attack...I mean anything no matter how trivial I want to know...help if I can. At the very least hold you when the nightmares come and chase them away. I'm so glad Fin got there in time. I wished I was there though…that bastard wouldn't have made it out alive."
"I'm glad you were not there. I would much rather have you here than visiting you in jail."
Elliot gave Liv's hands a squeeze and started rubbing his thumb over Liv's fingers "I would have to agree with you there, sweetheart. I would much rather be here. Did the therapist help?"
"Yes. It helped with the flashbacks and the nightmares but I still have issues with a...with some acts," Olivia said as she looked down at their hands. She couldn't bring herself to look at Elliot right now. "I tried a couple times but I couldn't do it."
"Baby...," Elliot whispered.
A tear rolled down Olivia's cheek as she said, "I don't know if I'll ever be able to..."
Elliot couldn't take it any more to watch her sit there looking defeated and so small. That wasn't the woman he knew. He moved next to her and pulled her into his arms as he said, "Shhh. It doesn't matter. It doesn't matter to me."
Olivia had been surprised to find herself in Elliot's arms since she was convinced this would drive him away from her. Based on their discussion the other night, she knew his experiences were limited but this was a basic act of pleasure that he would likely never have again if they got together. "Come on, El. Are telling me that you could live without that?"
He wanted to scream at the injustice but managed to reign in his anger before he replied, "Yes. You mean way more to me than making you do something you don't want to do. And if anyone ever pressured you into doing it then I hope you kicked him in the balls and walked out. He didn't deserve you. Sex should be the most enjoyable act between two people and there is no way I could enjoy something if you didn't or if it caused you pain." Elliot placed a kiss to the top of her head at the conclusion of his words.
"Thank you," Olivia said as she wiped the tears from her cheeks.
"You don't need to thank me," Elliot replied as he held her close.
"Maybe not but I needed to hear you say that. Unfortunately guys don't understand. If I couldn't tell my best friend, I sure as hell couldn't tell anyone else. I thought maybe I had found someone who understood with David Haden but it wasn't meant to be."
"He was the ADA, right. Porter said you guys were probably on the way to the alter."
Olivia chuckled as she said, "Yeah and not even close. Porter was just yanking your chain. He was a good distraction and maybe it would have gone somewhere but he called it quits before it really got started."
"Distraction?" Elliot questioned.
"Yeah. I was still having trouble accepting you were gone. David made me feel wanted which is what I needed. As much as he provided a distraction, I couldn't have stayed with him. We had differences of opinion. I should have known not to date a lawyer."
"Liv, I know Porter was winding me up. I won't lie it killed me to hear the bullshit he was saying but I would never hold it against you. And if he helped chase away the loneliness for a time then so be it."
"You are being way more understanding than I thought you would be," Olivia replied. She was loving being held by Elliot. She only hoped he continued to be this understanding.
"Liv, I had left. We weren't married. I have no right to judge you."
"You always did when we were partners. How many times did you run background checks on the guys I was dating or chased them off for that matter?"
"I know I was an ass but none of those guys were ever good enough for you. And I can finally admit it. I was jealous as hell. I wanted you but I was stuck in a loveless marriage."
With Elliot's words, she pulled away far enough so she could look up into Elliot's face and replied, "Wow, you finally admitted that you are an ass."
There she is Elliot thought. "Ha, ha, ha. I know I had no right but that didn't stop me. I just couldn't watch you fall for someone else."
"I know. It pissed me off at the time but now it doesn't matter. After David, I dated some but there wasn't anyone special until Brian."
"Hearing about you dating Cassidy was a surprise."
"You weren't the only one. I think I even shocked myself. He came back into my life during a rough time. Cragen was arrested for murder and then brought up on charges of sodomy which in the end would all be dropped but not without damaging his reputation. Nick Amaro, one of my detectives, actually thought Brian was responsible for Cragen's arrest so of course they didn't get along. After Brian was shot during it all, I visited him in the hospital and I ended up kissing him. We just let things happen from there. Later Brian would be brought up on rape charges, which were a scam, but that's when everyone found out about us. He helped me through the whole Lewis ordeal but in the end we wanted different things. I wanted children and he didn't."
"He's crazy. Any man who wouldn't want a baby with you is not right in the head."
"El, it's understandable...not everyone wants children. As much as it hurt, I'm glad I wasn't pregnant with his baby. I wouldn't want him to feel obligated to stay with me."
Elliot was surprised and it could clearly be heard in his response of, "You thought you were pregnant?"
"Yes, but I wasn't. I'm getting too old to have a baby myself. It was probably early signs of menopause the doctor said. But it led to Brian and I calling it quits because even if I can't have a child naturally I will adopt...Noah is proof of that."
Elliot shook his head. He couldn't believe that Brian would willingly walk away from Olivia. "I still say he's crazy. He had you. I can't even believe he would give you up. No way in hell will I ever do that."
"Our lives were going in different directions. He may have wanted me but he didn't want to be tied down," Olivia replied as she turned her head to stare off into space.
Elliot could tell she was holding something back and then it hit him like a ton of bricks, "Are you telling me he cheated on you?"
Leave it to Elliot to read between the lines Olivia thought. "I don't know. He was undercover a lot and there were girls but he swore he never did."
"Did you believe him?" Elliot asked.
"Yes...No...I don't know," Olivia said with defeat in her voice. She wanted to believe he wouldn't cheat on her but she wasn't sure.
"Liv, what did he do?"
"It was more what I couldn't do," Olivia responded.
"What?" Elliot questioned.
"El, Brian will always be special. He helped me through the whole Lewis ordeal."
"I hear a 'but' in there, Liv."
Olivia moved out of Elliot's arms and stood up. She moved over to one of the windows and looked out as she tried to explain, "You have to understand he helped take care of me while I was recovering from what Lewis did to me. We moved in together afterwards. Once we settled in here, I think he thought things would go back to normal but even with the therapy I was struggling. I didn't want to talk about it with him. I couldn't bring myself to get intimate with him. It was the last thing on my mind. He never pushed me to go farther than I was comfortable with at first but eventually he hinted we should try to have sex again. He kept making suggestions and I finally gave in and we tried a few times but I would eventually push him away and bolt for the bathroom. We eventually managed to have sex...he got what he wanted but I was left unsatisfied. He knew I didn't get off and when I turned away from him when he tried to finish the job he couldn't handle it. He stormed out and I have no idea where he went. He didn't come back until morning. He apologized for leaving and we tried to make the relationship work but that was the beginning of the end for us. He was gone more frequently and then we had the pregnancy scare. We never tried having sex again. I just couldn't set myself up for the potential disappointment."
El was livid. He didn't know what to say but if he ever saw Cassidy he would kill him. She had been through a traumatic experience with Lewis and all Cassidy cared about was himself. He was afraid to ask but he had to know so that he could help Liv heal. "Liv, was the reason you couldn't be with Brian because Lewis raped you?"
She knew she would need to tell him but she didn't know if she was ready or not. "I imagine you've read everything you could get your hands on about Lewis."
Elliot nodded. "Yes but I would like to hear your version of events instead of what was in the reports or the sensationalized version from the papers. As painful as it will be, I would like to hear about everything or at least as much as you are willing to share too. Ultimately the only thing I really need to know is what I can see right in front of me and that is that you are alive and that bastard isn't. I thank God every day that you were strong enough to beat Lewis," Elliot said from his position on the couch. He wanted to go to Olivia and hold her but he knew her. She wouldn't welcome his touch right now. She would want to tell the story on her own to prove that she truly beat the bastard.
Olivia began to slowly pace the area in front of the windows as she began, "Some things are still blurry in my mind while others play out in technicolor. He never raped me. I know that for sure but he made me watch as he brutally raped one woman and I watched as he killed a fellow police officer too. There was nothing I could do to save them. I should have been able to save them...that's my job. He left plenty of other reminders of those days too. He was waiting in my own home…he beat and burned me and forced alcohol down my throat. My apartment was virtually destroyed during the non-stop verbal and physical abuse. Eventually he moved me to a different location where the abuse continued. He even tortured me with your memory. We discussed what would happen if you were there. I told him you would know exactly what to do. You would show him no mercy.
"He didn't realize what a mistake it was to bring you up though. During those moments, the only thing that kept me going was the thought of you. You were my strength...my rock. I had no idea where you were but I knew I couldn't give up. You wouldn't give up. I was able to get out of my restraints while Lewis was talking to the housekeeper and her daughter. When he came back, I overpowered him but instead of calling Cragen right away I waited. I convinced the family to run away and not tell anyone or they would be sent back to Mexico. When they left, I lost it when he brought you up again and beat him almost to death before calling the precinct and telling them where to find me. The little prick survived though. "
"He deserved everything you dished out baby," he said. El's arms ached from wanting to hold Liv but he stayed rooted to the couch and allowed her to continue her story.
"He may have deserved it but I'm sworn to uphold the law and I did anything but that. When Lewis finally went to trial, he did everything he could to paint himself as the victim. He even went so far as to say he would plead guilty to raping me so that a trial could be avoided but there was no way I was going to allow that. He never raped me! I decided I would take my chances at people finding out I was guilty of beating him and becoming what he was over letting him tell lies about me. When I took the stand at his trial, he kept saying we shared a bond that I wanted him. He tried to break me again but I didn't let him. I kept saying 'I did what I had to do to subdue you'."
Liv stopped the pacing and turned to look out the window again. She used the lights of the city she loved to focus her as she continued, "After I testified, I told Barba to take the deal. I knew the jurors didn't believe me. He wouldn't do it. He said there was no way Lewis could get around the questions he prepared…everyone would know he was guilty. But once again he surprised us by not taking the stand and moved to start closing arguments. I knew we were screwed. There is no way the jury would believe my testimony. The twisted lies he pushed during the closing arguments about me wanting him, about us partying together was almost too much for me. I almost lost it when they said he wasn't guilty on the attempted murder and rape charges but we did get him on the assault and kidnapping.
"Brian wanted to take me home but I told him I needed a few minutes first. He probably thought I wanted to talk to Barba but in reality I needed time alone. I ended up in one of the stairwells at the court house and finally broke down. All the work I had done for 15 years...all the victims I had helped and all the perps I helped put away didn't matter. My reputation was ruined. I let him get to me and I turned into one of them."
Elliot's heart was breaking for Liv. She had gone through so much without him. There was no way he could go back and change what happened but he would make sure that he spent the next fifty plus years loving and taking care of her like he should have been doing.
Olivia continued, "It seemed like things were just getting back to normal and then the bastard escaped from prison. When he called me after he escaped, I couldn't believe it. I thought I had put him behind me but I knew it wouldn't be over until he was dead and gone. Lt. Declan Murphy took over SVU since 1PP said I couldn't be in command while Lewis was loose. They even gave me a protection detail. I didn't want any of it but I didn't have a choice.
"Lewis kidnapped a 12-year old girl, Amelia, after brutalizing the rest of her family. He wanted me to admit I lied at the trial. I wanted to confess so that we could get Amelia back but Murphy was against it. I went ahead with the press conference any way but we didn't hear from Lewis. He eventually contacted me to meet him if I wanted to get Amelia back so I slipped the protection detail and went to him.
"He eventually took me to where he was holding Amelia. She was strung up by her arms but it didn't look like he had hurt her. He tied me to a table and then felt me up, kissed me but I didn't do anything...didn't say anything. It's not what he wanted. He couldn't get off on it so he changed his game from raping me to Russian roulette."
There were tears streaming down the faces of both Olivia and Elliot but neither paid any notice as Olivia continued recalling the events of that fateful day, "He took the first shot...nothing. He held a Glock on me and forced me to put his gun to my head. I was taking too long so he turned the gun on Amelia and told me to shoot. I'm not sure where I found the strength to pull the trigger but I did. I was lucky and no bullet but there was a part of me that wished the gun would have gone off. The pain would have finally stopped. I was so tired of talking about the abduction and torture, seeing the constant stares from people who thought I would lose it at any minute and dealing with Brian who that he was the injured party because he wasn't getting any."
"No!" Elliot shouted as he stood up and was cradling her against his chest before Liv even realized he moved. "Don't you ever say that again!" Elliot was shaking as he spoke, "Do you have any idea what your death would have done to Cragen, Fin…or me? Do you honestly think I could have lived knowing that bastard killed you? Liv, please tell me you still don't feel that way anymore about wanting to eat the bullet from Lewis?"
"I don't. Therapy has helped but what really made me realize I have so much more to live for was Noah. He was the one that truly brought me out of the dark place I was in," Liv said as she wiped the tears from Elliot's face. "El, I don't say any of this to hurt you. I'm just trying to explain where my head was."
El stared into Liv's beautiful face and took a moment to let her presence calm his racing heart. He finally said, "I know you don't sweetheart." He returned the favor and lovingly wiped her tears away. "Please continue."
Liv took Elliot's hand and led him back to the couch where they took up their previous positions. "Ahh…He took the gun again and taunted me...said even if he pulled the trigger and it went off people would think I did it. Another round of the game and we were both still alive. He pulled the trigger again and the lucky bastard got an empty chamber. I knew my life was over at that point but instead of him forcing me to shoot myself or even him shooting me; he took his own life right in front of me even though right up until the last second he made me think I was going to die. His blood splatter all over my face and Amelia screamed. I couldn't believe it. Even if I would have been killed, he set everything up to make it look like it was my fault. He probably would have gotten away with it too.
"The team found me right after Lewis shot himself. Unfortunately, Melinda couldn't confirm who actually shot Lewis. IAB didn't like my story of events but they wanted to do the right thing. I didn't trust anyone though. I had already compromised my principles once in regards with Lewis and I wasn't going to do it again. Of course the Brooklyn DA Strauss decided he didn't like the report from IAB so they called a grand jury investigation. Barba did everything he could to try to prevent it but he wasn't able to get through to the pompous idiots. I thought I had put the nightmare behind me but once again Lewis was turning my life upside down.
"Strauss wanted to use me to show NYPD wasn't above the law. He didn't care about anything or anyone. He even put Amelia in front of the grand jury investigation. The bastard put words into her mouth and made feel terrible. She didn't deserve to be put through any more pain. She was such a brave little girl through. Strauss wasn't having as much luck as he hoped showing that I was guilty so he started going after my beating of Lewis during my kidnapping. The juror that helped Lewis escape even testified. I don't know how that was even allowed but she painted a great picture of me as a vindictive cop out to kill Lewis.
"I thought it was over. I started my retirement paperwork so that I wouldn't lose my pension if I was indicted but it wasn't necessary because Murphy went to the wall for me. He told the grand jury that he ordered me to make the confession and he went on to tell the jury about the evil Lewis did and about me going in and saving that little girl. He reminded me so much of you at that point. His testimony made sure I wasn't going to be brought up on charges. I threw myself into work once I was cleared so that I could try and forget about everything. When Noah was placed in my custody, I finally started living again," Olivia said with a smile at the mention of the little boy.
At the conclusion of Liv's account of the events, Elliot took his turn at staring out the apartment window. His mind was racing. He couldn't understand why everything was kept from him. He finally exploded, "Dammit. I hate Cragen for not bringing me home when all this was happening."
"What?" Olivia asked.
Elliot closed his eyes briefly before he started talking, "I made Cragen swear he would look after you while I was gone. I wasn't going to be there to watch your back which made me extremely worried. The only way I could walk away and do the job was knowing that you would be ok. I also made him promise that if anything did happen they would get me out somehow." Elliot turned back around and looked at Liv with all the love he felt for her as he said, "The job could go to hell for all I cared. Cragen knew how important you were to me and there was no way I could live with myself if anything happened. Well as you know, he didn't keep that promise. I wasn't brought home...hell I wasn't even told about Lewis until my kids told me. To think I was enjoying extravagant meals with a bunch of criminals in Mexico while you were fighting for your live makes me sick."
"El, you can't blame yourself. You took the job to protect me in the first place. I'm a big girl I can take care of myself."
Elliot moved back over to the couch and cupped Liv's face before he stated, "Oh God. I know you did baby but you shouldn't have had to and I do blame myself. I should have been here. They should have brought me home. Cragen, Fin and the rest of the squad should have kept you safe. You shouldn't have had to go through what Lewis did to you. I wish to God I was here. I would have made sure that bastard never took you."
Liv covered his hand before she said, "El, we'll never know if you could have prevented Lewis from taking me or not. But the important part is that you are here now that is all that matters to me." She tried to lighten the mood as she said, "I bet you weren't always living the high life though."
El chucked as he said, "At least during the trial, I had a better excuse. I was in the hospital healing from a gunshot wound."
"El!" Liv cried.
"I know. I really need to learn how to duck or find a way to stop bullets like superman. I'm fine. It's just another scar to add to my list."
"I'll let you off the hook right now but I want to hear more about this later," Liv said as she pulled his hand from her cheek and intertwined their fingers.
"OK. I promise to tell you but only if you promise to kiss my boo boo.
Liv smiled as she said, "You have yourself a deal."
El turned serious again when he said, "But Liv, I know for damn sure I would have made sure Lewis never got you. I would have made sure you got home safely that night and I would have checked on you even if you were on vacation. Your current partner has a lot to learn what it means to be a partner. And on the off change that bastard did get a hold of you I wouldn't have stopped looking until I found you. And when I did that bastard, he wouldn't have made it out of that house alive."
Liv said, "Amaro is a good partner."
"I'm not so sure about that. He's got a lot to prove to me before I will trust him to look after you. And Cassidy better not come anywhere near you or me. He doesn't know how good he had it and he never will. I'm glad someone was here for you but he didn't take good enough care of you…none of them did. I'm never going to let anyone hurt you again."
"El, you can't honestly believe that. We know how bad this job can be and how fast shit happens. You can't be with me 24/7."
El leaned forward and kissed Liv's hands before he said, "As long as I'm still breathing, I will do everything I can to fulfill that promise even if that means having a discussion with Fin and the rest of your squad. Noah and I need you safe and sound."
At the sweet kisses and heart felt promise, Liv said, "I haven't told them yet."
"About us?" Elliot enquired.
"That or even that you are back," she nervously said.
"Liv, that's fine. I don't expect you to. When we are ready, we will tell them together. As for me being back, I assume the rumor mill will take care of that for us. I'm surprised they don't already know."
"Fin may know but he hasn't said anything. The others may not be able to put two and two together."
"When they do find out, we'll handle it together just like we always do." El said before he leaned forward and kissed her forehead and then rested his head against hers.
Elliot seemed to still want a relationship with Liv but she had to know for sure. "So we are still ok after everything I said? You still want to be with me knowing that I'm not the same Liv...knowing I'm broken..."
El pulled back slightly so that he could look fully into Liv's eyes and said, "Stop it! I never want to hear you say that about yourself again. You are not broken. Did you go through a very traumatic experience...hell yes! But it only shows how unbelievably strong you are. I said it when the discussion started and I'll say it again there is nothing you could say that would cause me to not want to be with you. I mean that with everything that I am. I know there are things we haven't discussed like the job that kept me away from you..."
Liv stopped him with, "Did you do anything illegal, take drugs or rape someone?"
El shook his head and said, "No."
This time it was Liv who cupped El's cheek and said, "Then we don't really have anything to work through. Do I want to know what you went through...yes but only so I can help you recover and deal with it. I'm not going to judge you...I wasn't there so I can't say whether handling it a different way would be better or not. In the end, you survived and brought down a major crime organization and saved hundreds of lives. That makes you a good man...a hero...my hero."
"What did I ever do to deserve you?"
"That's my line," Liv said with a smile. "I would like to believe that all the good we have done has led us here and we finally get our little slice of happiness."
"It almost sounds like you believe, Liv."
"I don't know about believing in God but I believe in you so maybe."
"I'm not asking you to believe…just want to make that clear. I never want to change you."
"But you have...you started the day we met...but I wouldn't have it any other way."
"Ditto," El said as he leaned forward and placed a chaste kiss on Liv's lips and then pulled her into his arms. The night had been an emotional roller coaster and he needed to hold her to reassure himself that she was safe and sound.
Liv couldn't believe that after everything she said tonight Elliot still wanted to be with her. As she looked over El's shoulder she caught the time on a nearby clock. She couldn't believe how late it was. "Damn, I now understand why I feel so tired...it's way past my bed time."
Elliot chuckled as he said, "It may be a result of the marathon of events we just covered too."
"I knew it would take us awhile but I wanted to lay everything out there so you understood."
"I know and I'm honored you trust me enough to tell me about the things I've missed."
"There is no one I trust more," she whispered as she was drawn into the deep blue of El's eyes.
El was entranced by Liv too, "It's amazing I leave you for years and it only takes a few days to fall right back into step with each other. I'm just hopping it's not a dream."
"It's not a dream and now I know it wasn't your intention to leave me so it's been 'easy' to reconnect. It comes easy because we are soul mates. I use to laugh at people when they talked about them but now that I found mine I get it," Liv said.
"Soul mates...Partners for Life...I like the sound of that," Elliot replied with a smile on his lips.
"Me too."
"And I'm not going anywhere and your confession only makes me surer of why I need to be here. I'm not whole without you and the same can be said for you too. We've always been stronger when we are together. I'm so sorry that Don and Porter didn't pull me out when everything was going down. If I could I would go back and change that and prevent all the pain. Unfortunately we both know that isn't possible. I can only work on making sure that you have all the support and love you need right now and in the future. And I'm promising you right now that you will get everything you need."
Elliot wasn't sure how Liv would handle his next confession but he needed to be honest with her especially after everything she had told him tonight. "I have to tell you sweetheart that I spoke to Don this week to try and understand why he didn't tell you about the assignment and why he didn't pull me out when he did. He admitted he never had any plans to tell you about the job. He says he was trying to protect you. I don't know if I buy it or not and as much as it hurts I do think he was trying to do what he thought was best for you. Unfortunately he didn't know how deep our connection was or more importantly how deep yours was since I tried to make it absolutely clear to him what my intentions were. I do blame him and the others for not keeping you safe...I don't know when or if I'll be able to get past that. I entrusted them with the one person next to my kids that I can't live without and they failed to keep you safe. I know we'll never know if I would have done a better job but I would like to think I would. And I know I'm going to do everything I can to protect you now. You'll likely still get bumps and bruises because I won't be there by your side but if anyone even thinks about messing with you I will hurt them."
Liv knew Elliot was telling her the truth about his visit with Don but she still was having a hard time accepting what Cragen had done. "I'm not sure what to do about Cragen."
"I know and I can't believe I'm suggesting this since he pissed me off so much on Monday but I think you need to talk to him. He means a lot to you…and he once did to me too," Elliot replied with a sad smile.
"I know you are right but I don't know."
"Liv, it's totally up to you. I'm not going to push you one way or the other and I'll support whatever decision you make."
"I'll think about it but not tonight."
"OK," El said and then he continued with, "I know it's late so I should get out of here so you can get to bed." El stood up and helped Olivia to stand as well.
Before he could move towards the door, Liv took his hand and stopped his progress. "Do you need to get home to Eli?"
"No. He's at a slumber party tonight. I'll pick him up tomorrow afternoon."
"It's late. Why don't you stay then?" Liv asked.
Elliot wasn't sure how to respond to Liv's request so he tried a little humor as he replied, "I'm not sure I will fit on your couch."
"That's ok because I'm not asking you to stay there."
With Liv's words, Elliot's heart rate kicked into high gear. Was she really asking him to sleep with her? "Liv?"
Olivia's heart was also racing as she said, "It's been a while since I talked about these things which means I'm pretty sure tonight is going to suck. We are both adults so I'm sure we can share..."
Elliot realized she was asking him to sleep with her. He wanted to take things slow with Liv and he didn't know if he had that type of willpower if she was laying right next to me. "You have a lot of faith in me."
"And myself, trust me I want you just as much but I know we are not ready for that yet. However..."
Elliot was pleased to know that Liv wanted him just as much and in that moment he decided if she wanted him…needed him to stay then he would. "Shhh...Let's get the little guy into his crib so we can get some sleep," Elliot replied.
"Ok," Liv said as she led him to her bedroom.
Once in the room, El picked up Noah and carried him to his crib. The little guy was still so tired he didn't even realize he was being moved. Liv grabbed the baby monitor and made sure it was setup as El tucked him in. Both adults kissed Noah before moving back towards Liv's room.
As Elliot stood alongside the bed he realized he was in trouble,"Liv, I don't have anything to change into."
"You've got boxers on, right?" Olivia asked.
With a slight blush on his cheeks, El responded, "Yeah."
"Then you could sleep in them so you are more comfortable because I don't think you will fit into my pajamas." She said with a chuckle.
A soft moan escaped from Elliot at the visual Liv's words provided. He was eventually able to choke out an "OK" in response.
While she hadn't meant to entice Elliot, it was a heady sensation to know that she could arouse him with such a small comment. "I'm going to jump in the bathroom real quick," and with that comment she grabbed her sleepwear and disappeared behind the bathroom door.
Elliot was contemplating how the hell he had gotten here but realized he didn't care. He was about ready to sleep in the same bed as Liv. His mind was running through a hundred different fantasies while he removed his shoes, socks and finally his pants. He quickly realized he needed to stop his chain of thoughts though or he was totally going to embarrassed himself. Liv must think he had the control of a saint to even suggest this. He couldn't say no though. He only hoped he would live through this night. He quickly removed his shirt and laid all of his clothes in a pile on the dresser. He left his t-shirt on in the hopes it would help keep his sanity by providing an additional barrier. He climbed into her bed and propped himself up against the headboard just in time to hear the bathroom door open and Liv emerged.
Elliot's heart stopped for a second before taking off in a gallop again. It was a crime to make a skimpy tank top and sleep pants look so good he thought. He was finding that it was hard to breathe now that she was making her way to the other side of the bed. Liv flicked the last light off and crawled into bed.
"I didn't take your side of the bed did I," Elliot asked.
"No you are good." With the light of the moon shinning in through the window, Liv took in El's appearance. She could hardly believe she had Elliot Stabler in her bed. She had to keep reminding herself this wasn't a dream and also that they needed to take things slowly. She had asked him to stay to ensure the nightmares wouldn't come or at least be there to help chase them away. Even though they were on the same page and they were in a relationship now, it didn't stop her body from wanting to jump him. Wasn't sixteen years enough time to wait but for once her mind won out over her body or at least she thought so until she heard herself ask, "El, you don't seem like a t-shirt kind of guy. Do you normally wear one to bed?"
"No," Elliot stuttered out.
"Then lose the shirt, El." She said with a smirk in her voice. They were going to take it slow if it killed her but that didn't mean she couldn't enjoy it too.
"OK," he responded as he shed his shirt and threw it on to the floor and slid down into bed on his back.
The sight of his bare torso almost made her resolve crumble but the yawn that escaped her mouth reminded her they needed to rest after the long night they had gone through. When they did take the next step she wanted to me fully awake to enjoy every second. "Goodnight, El," she said and turned away from him to lay on her side.
"Goodnight, Liv. Sweet Dreams."
"Definitely tonight."
El continued to lay on his back staring at the ceiling. He didn't dare move. He had waited so long to get to this point he didn't want to give Liv any reason to kick him out. However the next thing El felt was Liv turning back towards him and taking his hand. With his hand securely in hers, she turned back on her side causing Elliot to roll to his side and spoon her from behind.
Liv knew the new position was likely going to make things hard for Elliot but she had quickly realized laying there she needed some form of contact with the man. She only hoped he wouldn't be mad as she asked, "Is this ok?"
"Of course sweetheart. Night Liv." He said with a kiss to the back of her neck.
Liv suppressed the moan that was threatening to escape her mouth and said, "Night, El." Leave it to El to find one of the most sensitive spots on her body. Thankfully being exhausted and feeling completely safe for the first time in years calmed her mind and allowed Liv to fall asleep within minutes.
Elliot could feel when Liv had slipped off to dreamland. He figured it would be ages before he would drift off too since he was trying his best to categorize and memorize everything. But the relief that their talk had provided along with the smell, taste and feel of Liv was too much and he joined her in the land of magic.