12.

Edward had been staring intently into my face for what seemed like a long time.

"I don't want to frighten you," he said.

"How many times are we going to have to go over this?" I mumbled. "You aren't frightening me with this stuff, Edward." I paused and then added in a whisper, staring steadfastly into my lap, "Only one thing frightens me, and I know I'm not in danger of that with you."

A moment passed as he assembled his thoughts, and I sensed that he was struggling on deciding whether or not he should comment on that.

"You know how everyone enjoys different flavors?" he finally began, choosing to ignore my last comment. "Some people love chocolate ice cream, others prefer strawberry?"

I nodded.

"Sorry about the food analogy — I couldn't think of another way to explain."

I smiled. He smiled ruefully back.

"You see, every person smells different, has a different essence. If you locked an alcoholic in a room full of stale beer, he'd gladly drink it. But he could resist, if he wished to, if he were a recovering alcoholic. Now let's say you placed in that room a glass of hundred-year-old brandy, the rarest, finest cognac — and filled the room with its warm aroma — how do you think he would fare then?"

We sat silently, looking into each other's eyes — trying to read each other's thoughts.

He broke the silence first.

"Maybe that's not the right comparison. Maybe it would be too easy to turn down the brandy. Perhaps I should have made our alcoholic a heroin addict instead."

I laughed hollowly. "I'm your brand of drug, is what you're saying."

"Yes. You're exactly my brand of drug. Your scent is... almost impossible to resist. I struggle... so much with my desire for your blood, weighed against the knowledge that taking it would do no good."

I understood what he was saying better than Edward could realize.

"And now, of course," Edward added with an obnoxious grin. "On top of it being morally reprehensible, I would no longer have your fantastic company."

I rolled my eyes at him.

"So... does that– finding one human who's scent is so special– happen often?"

Edward looked out across the treetops, perhaps thinking about his answer, or maybe only admiring their beauty.

"I spoke to my brothers about it." He still stared into the distance. "To Jasper, every one of you is much the same. He's the most recent to join our family. It's a struggle for him to abstain at all. He hasn't had time to grow sensitive to the differences in smell, in flavor."

He glanced swiftly at me, his expression apologetic.

"Sorry," he said.

I waved my hand in dismissal, nodding at him to go on.

"So Jasper wasn't sure if he'd ever come across someone who was as" — he hesitated, looking for the right word — "appealing as you are to me. Which makes me think not.

"And for you?"

"Never."

The word hung there for a moment in the warm breeze.

"Emmett has been on the wagon longer, so to speak, and he understood what I meant. He says twice, for him, once stronger than the other."

"What did Emmett do?" I asked to break the silence.

It was the wrong question to ask. His face grew dark, his hand clenched into a fist. He looked away. I waited, but he wasn't going to answer.

"I guess I know," I finally said. "But... that wasn't you. So far, I seem more safe with you than I do without you."

"You aren't more safe with me," Edward said in a voice that was practically a growl.

I grimaced and then said haltingly, pausing after every word. "You don't realize how grateful I am about you helping me last night. I think..." I paused, licking my lips once, unsure if I wanted to confess so much to someone who was, for all intents and purposes, practically a stranger. Could I even call Edward a friend? "If you hadn't been there, and they had been successful, I wouldn't be alive today."

"They weren't going to kill you," Edward said in a whisper.

"I know that. But I would have."

Edward's facial expression became more fierce, more horrified than I had ever seen it before.

"Do not say that. Don't ever, ever imply..."

I held out my hand, resting it in the air just inches before his chest.

He stopped talking and let his mouth snap shut

"There are some things you can't live through twice," I said quietly, and then added with a forced smile, "But it doesn't matter. Because you were there."

For some reason I couldn't bear to look into his face when his expression was so raw with what looked to me like pity. I turned away, hoping that it would effectively close the conversation.

Edward sighed loudly. "We should go."

"Hm?"

"The clouds are coming back. We'll be out in the rain if we wait much longer."

We stood, and Edward reached out to touch my elbow, grabbing my attention though I had began to trudge my way back to the trees. In his eyes I saw a flare of excitement.

"Can I show you something?"

"Wasn't that the point of coming here?"

"Something else... The way I travel in the forest." At my expression he insisted, "Don't worry, you'll be safe; and we'll get to the car much faster."

"I suppose asking if you'll turn into a bat will only get me laughed at."

Edward grinned crookedly. "As if I haven't heard that one before." He paused. "I would have to carry you."

"Uhh... how?"

"Hmm... On my back? I promise it'll be smooth travel."

I was a bit wary, but nodded my assent. I grabbed hold of his shoulders and said, "You hurt my balls and I kill you. Somehow. How do you kill a vampire?"

"Burn them," Edward answered jauntily. "After you've torn them into tiny pieces. Good luck with that."

I gripped his waist with my legs, ignoring the awkwardness of the position and hoping that Edward's form of travel was worth it.

"Ready?" he asked.

Without waiting for an answer, he took off at a run.

If I'd ever feared death before in his presence, it was nothing compared to how I felt now.

He streaked through the dark, thick underbrush of the forest like a bullet, like a ghost. There was no sound, no evidence that his feet touched the earth. His breathing never changed, never indicated any effort. But the trees flew by at deadly speeds, always missing us by inches.

I was too terrified to close my eyes, though the cool forest air whipped against my face and burned them. I felt as if I were stupidly sticking my head out the window of an airplane in flight. And, for the first time in my life, I felt the dizzy faintness of motion sickness.

Then it was over. We'd hiked hours this morning to reach Edward's meadow, and now, in a matter of minutes, we were back.

Edward dropped me quickly and I stumbled, vision reeling.

"Umm... I think I need to lie down."

Edward chuckled. "Exhilarating, isn't it?"

"Er. Sure thing."

I sat down on the springy ferns next to the car, breathing deeply.

"Maybe that wasn't such a good idea," Edward mused.

"No, I'm fine. It was very... interesting," I told him, forcing myself to stand once more.

Edward pulled out his keys and unlocked the car, and I tottered to it on legs that were only slightly unsteady.

Inside the car he turned the volume of the stereo until it was barely a background hum.

"So," I asked, before he could open up conversation of his own topic, afraid that he might try to ask questions about my past as I had been doing to him. "You said that you had 'extended family'? Are there many vampires around? Why are they like family to you? Are all vampires... like a great big animal pack?"

Edward laughed. "No, nothing of the sort. We aren't that united. We consider the Denali coven family because they're also 'vegetarians.' They're very good to us. I was staying with them, the week I didn't come to school."

The last part he added after a brief moment of hesitation.

"Why?" I asked.

"It was all I could do when you entered the classroom that day... not to kill you. I thought of so many different ways to get you alone after class, or to kill you right then. I would have murdered every human in that room if it meant getting rid of witnesses."

I swallowed, for the first time a little afraid of Edward's 'dietary' needs.

"And then, when I tried to rearrange my schedule in an attempt to avoid you, you were there. There was only one other human in the room, so easily dealt with... I knew that I couldn't stay. I waited in my car where the air was clear, where I could think straight and make the right decision. After I dropped my siblings off at home, I went to the hospital where I traded cars with Carlisle.

"I didn't dare go home to see Esme. She wouldn't have let me go without a scene..." Edward's lips tightened into a grimace.

"By the next morning I was in Alaska." He sounded ashamed, as if admitting a great cowardice. "I spent two days there, with our cousins… but I was homesick. I hated knowing I'd upset Esme, and the rest of them, my adopted family. In the pure air of the mountains it was hard to believe you were so irresistible. I convinced myself it was weak to run away. I'd dealt with temptation before, not of this magnitude, not even close, but I was strong. Who were you, an insignificant little boy" — he grinned suddenly — "to chase me from the place I wanted to be? So I came back…" He stared off into space.

"Eye on the road," I reminded him a little sourly.

He laughed, face no longer tense as it had been a moment before.

"Of course..." Edward focused very intensely on the road, and I suspected he wasn't nearly as concentrated as he looked. "Anyway, I took precautions, hunting more than usual. It complicated matters that I couldn't hear your thoughts. I had no way of knowing how you reacted to me. Curiosity killed the cat, as they say. I was so determined to make you forget my behaviour that first day.

"I tried to talk to you like I would any other person, hoping to decipher your thoughts. It was difficult. I found myself listening to your conversations through other's minds, I puzzled obsessively over the few things you did deign to tell me." I remembered the way Edward had so quickly approached me with my step father's name.

Edward lowered his eyes, no longer focused on the road. He stared at his hands.

"Of course, then you were nearly crushed before my eyes... Later, I told myself it was because I would never have been able to stop myself, if your blood had been spilled in front of me like that. I would have exposed my family for sure... but I only thought of that excuse after the fact. At the time, all I could think was..." Edward trailed off.

He glanced up at the road, only very briefly, and then looked at me. I'm sure it was obvious to him how consumed I was by my curiosity. But he merely shrugged and returned his gaze to the highway ahead of us.

"I suppose I was horrified at the idea of someone so interesting dying." His tone belied a deeper truth, but I didn't press it, not wanting to interrupt his tale.

"And then when you insisted I had stopped that truck... I was appalled that I had put myself in your power. You, of all people. I had no way of knowing whether you planned to betray our secret. As if I needed another motive to kill you." Edward flinched, and then continued quickly, "I fought with Rosalie, Emmett and Jasper when they suggested that now was the time... the worst fight we've ever had. Carlisle sided with me, and Esme said to do whatever I had to in order to stay."

I noticed the omission.

"And Alice?"

Edward wrinkled up his nose. "At times, Alice was adamant that I listen to Rosalie, Jasper and Emmett. She was distraught but refused to show me... And then moments later she would change her mind and insist that killing you would tear our family apart. It was Alice's indecision that made the others agree we should wait. She knows best... sometimes." Edward's smile was indulgent, then, and I knew instinctively that he was thinking of some distant memories that I'd probably never get to hear.

Edward surfaced from his reverie and went on.

"I knew I had to distance myself from you. I avoided you as much as I possibly could, but your scent hit me, every day, just as hard as it had that first day."

Edward looked away from the road to meet my eyes once more, and they were surprisingly tender.

"And yet, for all that, I'd have fared better if I had killed you that first day than if... if I messed up today, for instance."

"What do you mean?"

Edward jerked his gaze away from mine, the movement so quick it made my heart leap in surprise.

"Char... I couldn't live with myself if I hurt you. You don't know how it's tortured me... to think of what I almost did. Well... I told you already that I don't form connections easily. I haven't given anyone outside my family the briefest consideration in eighty seven years. And now..."

Edward seemed to be struggling to decide what he wanted to say. It made him look– human, I thought.

I tried to make things easier by joking, "My amazing company? You'd be lost without it, I suppose."

"Yes," he sighed after a moment, clearly grateful that I had put it into words for him.

I absorbed his story in silence for a moment. I was so curious about some of the smaller details, and about his version of the day Tyler almost hit me. But I decided that the latter was something that might have to wait for another time.

"So, I'm still interested in vampire culture... You said your extended family are vegetarians as well. Is that common? Do vampires with similar lifestyles often form such large... families?"

"No," Edward told me. "My 'family' is one of the largest covens I know of, in fact. At this point I believe we're the second largest after the Volturri."

"The Volturri?"

"Hmm... Vampire law enforcement. They uphold their rules with a rather large contingent of guards, making sure our kind aren't exposed."

"Like a Harry Potter statute of secrecy type thing?" I asked before I could reign in the dork that Glen had spread to me after so many years of hanging out together.

Edward laughed. "Sure. Seven is a large number, anyway, and we only live together so well because of our alternative diet. Other vampires are nomadic, often traveling in groups no larger than three. They tend to be territorial about hunting grounds, since humans are more complicated game than things like bears."

Edward looked at the clock. "It's later than I realized," he said. "I guess the walk this morning did take quite awhile. You must be hungry. I'm sorry. It's been so long since I spent time with someone who eats, I forget."

I shook my head. "I'm fine. If I were hungry I would have had nothing against telling you."

"Hmm... Do you mind if I come in?" he asked as he pulled into the driveway.

"Not at all," I told him, ejecting the CD in the player and putting it back in its case. As I carried the stack of cases in, I saw that Edward had already gotten the door open.

"It was unlocked?" I asked, trying to remember if I had forgotten to lock it this morning. Ooops, Charlie probably wouldn't appreciate that.

"No, I used the key under the pot."

I froze just inside the door. I was certain I hadn't ever used that in front of him. Last night the door was definitely unlocked when he brought me back from Port Angeles.

"You spied on me?" I demanded angrily, both fear and rage constricting my chest at the same time. The idea of someone being so interested in what I did with my time was horrifying, and far too familiar.

"Just once," Edward said, looking a little abashed. He hunched his shoulders and kept his head down, eyes focused on his feet.

"When?"

"When I first slipped up, and was worried about you telling someone what you'd seen."

"And?"

"And what?" Edward looked up, his brow wrinkled in confusion.

"How long did you spy on me?" I asked, my heart pounding.

"Oh, just for the one night. Don't be mad." His voice was pleading, and I forced myself to calm down, telling myself that at the time he'd been acting out of fear for his family.

"It's fine. You had reason to, I guess."

I wandered into the kitchen and heated up some lasagna that we'd had earlier in the week. Edward immediately gravitated toward the stereo, this time going with a different CD than the two he'd already heard. The piece that came on was a lively piano piece, something I thought could only be described as a boogie. The Canadian jazz artist, probably, I thought.

I noticed with some amusement that Edward's eyes lit up as the song proceeded, eventually with a man's voice added to the piano track. Maybe his subdued foot-tapping and head-nodding wasn't as embarrassing as my enthusiastic dance had been that morning, but he still looked a little bashful when he noted that I was struggling not to laugh at him.

"So," Edward said, "Do you often listen to jazz?"

He sat down across from me, and though he was acutely studying the CD case I knew that he was also fully focused on me at the same time.

"Uhm, sometimes. I'm not really familiar with this artist, to be honest. He's a friend's favourite, so I'm listening to him per request."

"What's your favourite song? If you had to pick just one?"

Edward was intense about the question, I could tell.

"You're really into music, aren't you?"

He smiled crookedly. "I suppose it's my thing."

"Hmm. Well..." I thought a bit, having a hard time choosing one song only. In the end I settled on two and explained that I simply couldn't choose between them.

"I've never heard of either of those artists," Edward mused after I told him my favourite songs.

"Um, one of them's sort of an up-and-coming band. I suspect they'll be relatively well-known in a few years. The other is... well, underground isn't the right world. Just plain old not very popular."

"I listen to my share of underground music," Edward confessed. "I probably would have heard of them if they were popular in that scene."

"Hmm. I'm not sure why, to be honest. I think they're fantastic. They're sort of well-known. They've certainly got a following."

"Genre?"

"Oh, they're sort of... Uh. Progressive rock, I suppose. They're a little hard to peg."

"I'm more into indie... maybe that's why I haven't heard of them."

I never had a chance to reply because Edward tensed up, just as the headlights of Charlie's cruiser swung into the driveway.

"Oh... I didn't even notice he was on his way back."

"Well it's too late now. He's already seen your car, obviously."

Edward looked concerned. "Will you be in trouble?"

I scoffed. "No. I mean... You're the respected doctor's kid. You haven't a reputation for partying hard, do you?"

Edward chuckled. "No, I don't."

I cleared my things away and after a brief moment of hesitation heated some dinner up for Charlie. As I told Edward, I was certain I wouldn't be in trouble... but that didn't mean Charlie would be thrilled I had someone over without his permission.

"Char?" he called as he came in the front door.

"In the kitchen."

He wandered in, eyes lighting on Edward.

"Dad, this is Edward Cullen."

Edward held out his hand and Charlie shook it, smiling warmly. "Carlisle's son. Of course. Nice to meet you."

"And you, too, Chief Swan."

"Hungry?" I asked, sliding the food across the table.

"Yes, actually. Thanks, kid."

"No problem."

There was a very short moment of awkward silence before I said, "Right, uh... I need to get all this back upstairs."

I gestured to the stereo.

Edward offered to help and soon I was straggling my way upstairs while Edward balance both speakers with no effort.

I had very few possessions I cared about, and I had sent my stereo to Forks ahead of me through a carefully chosen postal service, so I could be certain it was handled properly.

"I should leave," Edward observed once my things were back in place.

I wanted to argue, but stopped myself. I didn't think much could come of begging him to stay other than myself looking silly, and maybe a little pathetic.

"Goodnight, Edward," I whispered as he walked through the doorway.

He reentered after very few seconds, poking his head in the doorway. I noted a chain that slipped out of his shirt, since he was partially bent sideways to stick his head in the door. It looked like a rosary, but it was a little rude to ask about such things. I raised an eyebrow.

"Whether you want to or not, I hope you realize you'll be seeing me tomorrow."

I laughed, suddenly aware that I was exhausted though it wasn't much later than six o'clock. "Get out of my house, Edward."

By my smile I'm sure Edward could tell I meant that in the nicest way possible. He grinned crookedly and left once more, not coming back this time.

I waited for awhile, puttering around my room and hooking my stereo back up, before I let myself yawn.

My daily naps after school hadn't allowed much time for my body to adjust to a full day. Even quickly ducking under the hot, pounding spray of the shower did nothing to wake me up a little. It was a matter of minutes that I fell asleep again. The difference was that this time, there were nightmares.