The Thought of Loving You
I bid Namine and Roxas a fond farewell about an hour later, giving Namine a careful kiss on the forehead. Before I can leave the room though, Roxas grabs my arm. He looks up at me with those huge blue eyes, making me feel guilty for some reason. It's like they're whispering I'm sorry. He tugs on me and pulls me into a chaste peck. I know I should already sort-of expect it, but it still shocks me slightly when he murmurs an apology.
"What for?" I ask him quietly.
He simply releases my arm and turns away. "You'll see."
X
Roxas watches the back of Axel's head longingly as the lanky man leaves the room. He knows he doesn't deserve the patience Axel has given him between the moodiness and the hardly seeing each other. How could they both be so sure they even share love? What is it convincing them of this when it makes so little sense? In Roxas' mind it makes none (yet in Axel's it makes crystal clear sensibility out of a blurred boundary).
Blue eyes drop their gaze to the ringing cell phone in their owner's front pocket. It sings, "Took me down to the river so I could drown, drown, drown. Looking up through the water I kept sinking down, down, down."
Why is Cloud calling? Roxas hasn't heard from him in days. Not wanting to push his chances of getting another check-in call, he picks up. "Cloud, what's going on? Why haven't you called? I've been fucking worried sick about you, you bastard!"
Cloud stays silent for a couple seconds. Then he shakily says, "Roxas, there's something I have to tell you but I'd rather tell you in person. Can we meet someplace?"
Roxas' heart speeds up. "Cloud, what's wrong? You can't just tell me now?" he frantically blabbers, yanking at random clumps of hair.
"Roxas," the older man calmly tells him, "It's too important. I'd rather talk face-to-face. Where are you?"
Sweat beads along Roxas' hairline. What the hell else could possibly be fucking wrong? "I'm at Nam's house. She's sick."
"Really," Cloud muses, voice laced with concern. "What's wrong with her?"
"I do not fucking know, man. But it seems Axel was with her when she passed out."
"Axel? He's friends with her?"
"Apparently so," Roxas grumbles.
He is trying not to think about how he would feel if Axel had feelings for Namine. It would absolutely destroy him. For one thing, it's because Roxas is Namine's toy. And for another, even though he is a toy- much like a Barbie doll –he still has feelings. He does love Axel—quite a bit, actually. It's the only explanation for how much power the redhead holds over him for the small amount they know of each other. Namine though—being sort-of a pimp considering the way she toys with Roxas—is someone he does not have romantic feelings for. In fact, he always has (if you haven't noticed) thought she hates him. They haven't been acquaintances that long, so what is it, exactly, that puts him off about her?
The door is thrown open by a very pissed-looking Namine, Roxas envisions. He can see it in his head so clearly. It has to be real. Axel drags his hand down his face and glances at the blond boy beside him. He whispers, "I'm sorry, Roxas."
"Axel…" the boy latches himself around a stick-thin arm. "What're you talking about? What's going on?"
"That," he says, "is my girlfriend."
"…Of fucking course you have a girlfriend then fuck me," Roxas spits, blatantly disgusted with his elder's actions.
"Rox, I'm sorry. I am so fucking sorry. I met her in New Jersey and we've been together for a while."
"Yet you just did me," Roxas deadpans.
Axel wriggles his arm out of the tight clamp around it. "I never did her," he admits.
"You expect me to believe you never did a girl that pretty?"
"Yep but that's only because I'm telling the truth."
"How am I supposed to believe that? That's like… That's just fucked up!"
"But it's true. The truth isn't always a pretty thing, Rox," Axel explains, pushing himself off the bed onto his feet. He pulls on his pants, making sure he looks reasonably presentable and his clothes aren't disheveled to the point of embarrassment. (Not that he would be embarrassed; he could brag about having sex with a kid like Roxas for the rest of his life and be perfectly content.)
"No shit."
"Come on, Roxas. Don't be like that."
"Don't be like what?" said blonde gripes, folding his arms. Giving up on the pissed-off look, he grabs his clothes off the floor and puts them back on.
"Don't act so angry."
"It's not acting, asshole. I really am this mad at you."
Axel shakes his head, messing up his hair more than it already is, if that's even possible. "The look doesn't work for you. You're too cute for that."
Roxas flushes, secretly flattered in a way he has no intention of admitting to. "Shut up."
"Make me."
That is it. That is all the right-away Roxas needs to leap onto the bed, then jump from it onto Axel, pouncing on him like a hungry wildcat. He mashes his lips against the taller guy's, prying his prey's mouth open without waiting for permission. He tightens his arms around the pale neck, pulling him close, pressing their bodies so tightly together you could hold up a single sheet of paper. Axel lowers his hands onto thin but defined hips, pulling them against his own, inadvertently causing their crotches to touch. They just got resituated in clothing and both are already about to lose it.
Then Axel remembers he should probably be appeasing Namine with apologies and a possible break-up right now. He pushes Roxas back a little, disappointing his jailbait by distancing their mouths. Their breaths are heavy; faces flushed, and are victims of erections that they don't have time to take care of.
"I really have to go…" Axel mutters uncomfortably. "I'll see you soon, okay?"
Roxas feels ashamed, thinking that he and Axel could just jump right back into a relationship feet-first. He is nothing short of mortified because of the high expectations he holds. How could he be so stupid as to expect something so… sudden from the older man? Yes, Axel is a spontaneous person and such, but at the same time would he really just drop everything in the world he's built for Roxas?
The blond didn't know that yes, in fact, Axel would give up everything in his world for Roxas. There isn't precisely much to give up, but the principle still applies; Axel loves Roxas more than anything.
"Yeah, whatever you say," Roxas grumbles, accepting the peck Axel places on his lips. The former boy blushes.
The latter just smiles remorsefully and exits the room, leaving a very tired Roxas feeling played.
X
Cerulean blue eyes open drowsily. That's right; he is supposed to go meet Cloud somewhere. They didn't decide on anywhere specific. Maybe it would just be best to check at home?
Yeah.
Home sounds nice.
X
Roxas takes a seat on the living room couch and looks up at his cousin. The room's lighting is dim and the atmosphere is silent. Nothing is moving. All is still. All is serene. It's an unpleasant calm, though- eerie and dead. Outside the sun is out. The day is bright and blue. Large white clouds speckle the sky. So why, when the older Strife relative looks down at his younger counterpart, does the mood feel dead?
"Roxas," Cloud murmurs, racing a hand nervously through his hair, "I… I have HIV."
Roxas' eyes go wide. In that instant, everything in life seems to stop. Everything is senseless. "…What the fuck are you talking about?"
"Please don't make me say it again," Cloud pleads with both his eyes and the shatter in his voice. He hangs his head in self-disgust.
"Cloud… H-how is that possible?"
"That party I went to…" he mutters morbidly. "I didn't cheat. Someone got up on me and took advantage of me. Multiple people actually," he adds under his breath. "I'm probably going to die within the next couple months."
"…You have to be joking, Cloud," Roxas exasperates, running his hand through his hair. His shining eyes flutter shut in a daze. It feels like a hammer cracks him in the head. "That's not even… It's not… That can't happen! You're Cloud!"
"That I am," the older blonde scratches his head. "But I'm still… I'm weak, Roxas. My immune system is dying and I'm going down with it."
"You don't have to die, Cloud. You can fight this! We can fight it!"
"There's no cure for HIV, Roxas."
"But you don't have to die!"
"The smallest infection could take me down, kid." Cloud ruffles his relative's hair. There's so much to this that has him worried. A lot of this is killing him on the inside. He's going to die and there's nothing he can do about it. As long as he doesn't get too sick he shouldn't have a problem. He just has to keep Roxas on his toes, He wants him to know where it could go even if it's doubtful it will go there.
Tears spill over Roxas' tear ducts, trickling down his cheeks. "You can't… You're Cloud…"
"I'm sorry, Rox. This is just the way it is."
"Man why the hell did you even do it? Why did you let them hurt you?"
"I didn't let anyone do anything to me. It just happened."
"What about Tifa? What the hell is she going to think when you tell her?"
Cloud averts his dying eyes. Their color has dulled to a dim gray. His heart is sinking lower toward his stomach. Sure it hurts. Sure he doesn't want to go like this. But what happened at that party will never be able to un-happen. It's there forever now.
"Tifa…"
"Yeah, your fiancé," Roxas snidely says, folding his arms. "Remember her?"
The victim of Roxas' scowl averts his eyes sheepishly. "How could I forget?" he mutters.
"Come on, Cloud, what is this! What happened to you! Why did you even go to that fucking party, dude? You don't even like parties."
"I like them just fine," he retorts unconvincingly, eyes never leaving the floor.
Roxas snorts. "You're fucking stupid, Cloud. I used to look up to you."
The heart of the dying man sinks. The disgust from his cousin and the disappointment from himself are overwhelming every pore in his body, shriveling his withering heart down to nothing but a single painful beat.
"You're fucking scum. You broke a bond of trust between you and an awesome woman. How do you expect her to forgive that? She's done so much for you and that's how you repay her? Come on, you know she hates when you party."
Cloud keeps his eyes on the floor, pretending it's the most interesting thing in the world. "I know…"
"So then tell me why," Roxas pleads, leaning forward on his elbows, settling them on his knees.
"Roxas, you know it's not my faul-"
"It could've been prevented," Roxas interrupts.
"It would've happened any-"
"No, it wouldn't have. You're just stupid."
Cloud doesn't ignore the anger flooding through the gates of his body. Roxas doesn't understand. He doesn't know what it's like to be abused. He doesn't know what it's like to lose it all. He's always had whatever he wanted. Sure, he worked for it at some job Cloud knew nothing about, but it still happened. It made him jealous. It made him hate Roxas a lot of the time for not being more thankful for what he has. Roxas never lost anything so important to him like family (as far as Cloud knows) and Roxas doesn't get the worst repercussions for his idiotic actions.
Cloud glares at Roxas, returning the nasty vision that Roxas has been giving him for the past hour or so. He cracks his knuckles contemplatively. He pulls his arm back and throws a punch right at the younger boy's face, hitting him square in the cheek, fist cracking into the boy's jaw as well.
Roxas' slack jaw drops. He grips it, trying to hold its place. "Fucking hell, Cloud, what the fucking shit was that for?"
"I'm not stupid," Cloud states, eyes infused with rage.
"I was calling a spade a spade. I was telling you like it is. I'm so sorry that you're dying, but you did it to yourself! There's no way you couldn't have."
Cloud raises a furrowed brow at this in question, ready to back up his anger with another punch.
"You're one of the toughest guys I know. How could anyone overpower you, drunk or not? Or are you just weaker than I thought? Are you not the cousin I've looked up to?" Tears spill over Roxas' eyes and he continues. "You handled your parents' death so well and I was so… proud to have such a strong person with me, waiting to kick the ass of any bitch that thought they could hurt me. What am I supposed to think? Is that Cloud gone?" Roxas sobs, not forgetting the bruise forming and break occurring in his jaw. If he gets lucky it won't be broken.
It'd just be something lesser. Maybe the bone is just bruised.
Wouldn't that be nice?
Cloud considers this for a moment. His influence on Roxas has always been powerful. Is he really just a weakling, mooching off of others to make him feel strong because they're weaker? No. That couldn't be it. This couldn't be it.
Roxas… I'm sorry.
He tosses an uppercut Roxas' way, hitting him in the stomach and aiming up toward the ribs. Roxas screams. He doubles over in pain, clutching at his abdomen, not sure which he should be more worried about: his stomach or his jaw? Either way he's in a fucking shit-ton of pain and it's fucking killing him.
Cloud… his mind whispers, how could you?
Gah. I've been so busy here that I have trouble writing and even more trouble updating. Do you forgive this girl? Please do. There's still a couple more chapters of crap left. Then we get to the real, real shit. This is real, but this is kind of sad. I liked portraying Cloud as too weak to do something because he's emotionally weak. Have you seen Advent Children? That's all the backup I need. Bitches, keep reviewing. It makes me happy when I get on here and see that people still like this and are still just getting into it. That's pretty fuckin' impressive. You are all. Effing. Amazing.
Like I said, I'm having a hard time finding time to write and even a harder time posting. So I'm going to scrap the next chapter I started and get to some dramatic shit with Namine and Roxas. How does that sound? Yay for starting over! Also, there's going to be a new character introduced soon. Ooh. Excited? I'm pretty scared. It's going to be weird writing all these battle scenes and such. Before I add the new character who is definitely going to assist the plot and will add an intrusive subplot, I want you to guess! Who is it? He's from Final Fantasy and he's awesome. He doesn't appear in Kingdom Hearts and it's probably better that way. Oh, he's badass and gets along with Yuffie pretty well. Also, he didn't have a cellphone for a while... (Advent Children reference! Woop!)
Sorry for the long note; I just miss you guys bunches and I love how devoted you are to this story. I never thought it was possible. And it wouldn't be without you! So everyone, give themselves a pat on the back and hug the person next to you because you. are. loved.
Scotty.