Hack: So after a two-year hiatus, I'm finally back! I have no excuse for this long hiatus, as I know I've left you all hanging on this fanfic. But I promise you that I will never leave ya'll hanging this long again!

Enjoy!

Chapter 11: Show Me Your Taunts!

Scene: DK Docks

"Finally… Back at the main continent…" Ness sighed.

"Water…" Peach mumbled.

"Chill, at least we didn't almost drown again like last time," said Marth. "Especially because of a certain someone knocked out the author…"

"All right, now we need to find Link…" said Ness.

"Unfortunately for you, you missed a nice time in the hot springs," said Link, smirking as he came into the scene.

"What do you mean?" asked Ness.

"By the time I got the sorcerer's ring fixed, the fire flowing from it heated up a pool of water."

"…And why were you in a pool of water?" asked Peach, with shifty eyes.

"Because my butt was on fire, so I jumped in."

"That makes sense… After you left the DK Geysers, the Sorcerer's ring must have reverted back to its original function," said Zelda.

"Right, whatever. Where to next?" asked Link.

Marth pointed his sword in the direction of a huge cliff. "There. We're supposed to be heading for the Gallia Peaks…"

"Gallia? Never heard of that," said Zelda.

"It's from Fire Emblem, the one that Ike is from," explained Marth.

"Let's get a move on then, damn it!" said Peach. Nobody argued.

Scene: Gallia Peaks

Two guards were standing at the base of the peaks, next to a small cabin. These two guards were very hairy, and both had long tails.

"Halt! What is your business in the Gallia Peaks?" asked one of the guards, shoving Link away.

"We wish to pass through here," Marth explained politely.

"Well you'd have to pay a passing fine of a million gold," said one of the guards.

"Gold? How many different forms of currency are there?" Ness yelled. "In Toad Town, we paid in coins… Then rupees, and now gold?"

Hack chuckled to himself. "Just wait until you reach an area originally from pokemon…" he muttered to himself, snickering.

"So… we have zero gold…" said Zelda, who was managing the group's funds. "Great. Well we might as well rest in that building there…"

The five smashers agreed as they walked into the building in there, to find the one and only perverted person that says…

"SHOW ME YOUR MOVES!" cried Captain Falcon, saluting the party with his hand. Everyone facepalmed.

"Captain Falcon? Why are you here?" asked Ness.

Falcon shifted his feet nervously. "Well… ya see… The guy I'm playing the role as… He's a pervert."

The five smashers understood why immediately and snapped their fingers, saying "Oh!" simultaneously.

"No wonder! The perverted smasher would have to be that old greedy bastard!" said Ness.

"Old greedy bastard? He may be perverted, but I'm not old, dang it!"

"And he also is really greedy!" said Ness. "Apparently he won all the races and hunted down criminals only for the prize money and bounties!"

"Well there's a reason why I'm called a bounty hunter, kiddo!" said Falcon, smacking Ness on the side of his head. "But you, beautiful, are nice!" he winked at Zelda. "Will you show me your…"

KABOOM!

"…moves…" Falcon meekly groaned.

Scene: Captain Falcon's House

"Now what are we supposed to do here?" asked Ness.

"I dunno. Show me your moves! You gotta do something to progress, yo!" said Falcon.

Zelda saw something sparkle in the corner of her eye. "Hey, is that…"

"The Dark Prognosticus!" said Marth.

"Yeah, that, well, the chosen's group came to sell it to me," said Falcon. "They demanded a million gold for it, and since Hack is making me buy it to progress the story… I had to."

"So that explains why the guards are making us pay a million gold… So you can have your money back!" said Ness. "How could you?"

"Hey, it's the chosen's group's fault!"

"Wait… We're the chosen group," said Zelda. "So… who exactly gave it to you?"

"Yoshi, Pikachu, Pichu, and Jigglypuff," said Falcon.

"…No wonder! That makes perfect sense, why Yoshi was all like… suspicious!" said Link.

"Anyways, can we have it back?" asked Zelda.

"You gotta show me your money," said Falcon. "Three million gold."

"…You're kidding me," said Ness.

Marth drew the falchion. "The book, or your head," he said.

"Hey! You can't threaten innocent people!" said Zelda.

Peach also drew a frying pan, grinning evilly. "He's not innocent, he's a pervert!" she said.

"Wait! Wait! WAIT!" Falcon cried.

SLISH BOOM!

Scene: Captain Falcon's House

"Well now that's all taken care of…" said Captain Falcon, almost beaten to a pulp but still able to speak. "You gotta get me that statue of Shaymin."

"Shaymin? What the hell is that?" asked Link.

"It's a pokemon," said Ness. "The fact that there are statues of pokemon everywhere means…"

"What's in it for us?" asked Zelda.

"You can read the Dark Prognosticus if you show me the statue!," said Falcon, holding out his hand in a sexy pose (his side taunt from brawl).

Peach blew him up with a black bomb. "Say that again and I will kill you."

"Sorry…" he meekly said. "So anyways, you wanna know where it is? Find it yourself."

"Whaaaat?" groaned Ness. "Show me your directions!"

Marth, Link, and Zelda facepalmed as Peach blew up Ness as well.

"Greeeeat, at this rate we're going to have a Captain Falcon clone in our party…" said Marth.

"Well it's in the area south of here, between Gallia Peaks and Crimea," responded Captain Falcon.

"Well that indeed is useful. Thank you, Captain Falcon!" thanked Zelda, smiling.

"And thank you, for showing me your smile!" said Falcon.

KABOOM!

Scene: Gallia Peaks

"Wow, I hope we'll never have to see him again…" groaned Ness.

"Yeah, he's such a pervert…" said Zelda.

"Not only that, but his quotes as well," said Marth. "Whenever I smash with him and get owned by his knee, he goes show me your moves and my masculinity just… GOES DOWN!"

"You didn't have much to start with," commented Ness.

"Shut up, little girl," said Marth. Ness nut-crackered him.

"It's interesting though," said Peach. "His first line as his actual role was 'show me your moves,' and that makes me want to kill him."

"Oh man, but he is quite sexy," said Link. "Look at his abs…"

"I know! I'm pretty, but he's got the muscles!" said Marth.

"And the pecs…"

"The calfs…"

"The abs especially…"

"Will you two stop being jealous of Falcon's body?" asked Zelda. "He's got a nice muscular body, but he's too perverted!"

Both Link and Marth fell to the ground anime-style, crying. "But we're saaaaaaad!"

A man came up to them. "Are you heading back to Crimea?" he asked Zelda, who looked the most serious.

"Maybe, why?" she asked.

"Don't go back. Team Rocket's there right now, with the commander there as well!" he cried.

"Wow, wonder who the next cardinal is that we'll meet?" wondered Link.

"And we'll beat him up to no end!" said Marth.

"I hope Ike dies…" muttered Zelda.

Scene: Crimea

"What? PAULA!" cried Ness.

Paula was hung up with the rope around her neck, about to be executed by hanging. The team rocket members surrounding her were cheering, ready to execute her. There was a massive crowd of Crimeans surrounding the scene.

"Out of the way, you weaklings!" said a familiar voice…

"Who is that?" asked Marth.

"Oh dear, it's him, isn't it?" groaned Link.

Zelda nodded. "Of all places…"

Ganondorf kicked aside several Crimeans who did not bow to him. "Gwah ha ha ha ha! How is it, Paula? You've defied Team Rocket, and you're about to be executed for it!"

Ness flipped through the script. "Wait, wait… There's something wrong here…" he said.

"What?" everyone said.

"It's not Paula who's supposed to about to get hung, it's her mom!" he said.

"But her mom was already killed!" said Link.

"WHAAAAT?" cried Paula.

"Yeah, so Hack must've screwed something up back then!" said Ness.

"WHAT? BY WHO? TELL ME!" cried Paula.

Both Link and Ness sweat-dropped. "By… Young Link!" said Link. "Yeah!"

Everyone in the party facepalmed, plus Ganondorf.

"ONCE I GET OUT OF THIS ROPE, I'M GOING TO KILL THAT GUY!" bellowed Paula.

"Yes, yes, but first the hanging!" said Ganondorf. "Because you've defied Team Rocket and did not supply them with what we requested, we are here for the public execution of Paula!"

"What the heck could the militia be doing at this moment?" asked Zelda.

"Don't ask me, I have no clue," replied Peach.

Scene: Ike's House

"One! Two! One! Two" Ike cried.

All of the soldiers were in Ike's ballroom, dancing to the beat. The happy music from Malo Mart from Twilight Princess was playing. Each soldier thrust his hip forward to the right, brought it back, then thrust his hip to the left while shooting his hands forward. Repeat.

"Everyone's got it? You gotta do it with pleasure, with happiness, and with pride!" cried Ike.

"YES SIR!" the militia bellowed as they danced to the beat.

Scene: Crimea

A stray rock hit Ganondorf on the face.

"What? Who was that? He yelled. He turned around to see Rolf, holding his hand out. "You little runt… You'll pay!" He began charging a Warlock Punch when Rolf suddenly took out a bow (he's an archer in Fire Emblem) and fired an arrow!

Ganondorf stepped to the side. "Hey! You're not supposed to do that!" he yelled.

"But you're hurting us!" cried the crybaby Rolf, readying another arrow.

"Screw that, archer or not…" said Link. "We're not letting you hurt that crybaby! Demon Fang!"

Ganondorf grunted as a blast of wind struck him in the chest.

"MOMMY! HE WAS ABOUT TO KILL ME!" Rolf cried, tears flowing down his cheeks. "Oh, wait, my mom's dead… WAHHH!" He cried again, running away like the crybaby he was.

"You! Link! You're crime number 1337! The one with the legendary pokeball!" bellowed Ganondorf. "Excellent! If I capture you, I'll become the leader of the grand cardinals!"

"Wait, I'm crime number 1337? Number Leet? Elite?" asked Link.

"…Whoa, seriously? I never noticed that," said Ganondorf as he took out the script to flip through it. "I've played through the game over ten times, and I vaguely remember that you're crime number 74! Hold on, let me double check…"

"That number should belong to me," said Peach, growling.

"Hey, I can't help it. It wasn't my decision to become 1337, pun intended," said Link, shrugging.

"True that," Marth and Zelda agreed.

"I wanna be criminal number 1337 too…" groaned Ness.

"Wow, Hack really changed it to number 1337!" said Ganondorf.

"So you actually played Tales of Symphonia over ten times? That's gotta take some serious dedication!" said Link.

"Hey, you didn't know I was a gamer? I, Bowser, and Mewtwo, we are called the villain gamers! And we also play competitive smash melee too!"

"Despite the fact that you're all at low tier…" mumbled Ness.

"Oy, I'm mid tier, and that's good enough for me," said Ganondorf.

"What about brawl?" asked Zelda.

"Nah, too slow. It's a terrible competitive game compared to melee. Can't do combos, it's all about freakin' camping. All you see are metaknights everywhere, if you look at tourney results, over ninety percent of pros play as metaknight! And I'm the worst character in the game!"

"It's interesting," said Marth. "How in Brawl, the entire bottom tier is composed of the three adult Zelda characters!"

Link, Zelda, and Ganondorf all whirled around to face Marth.

"Uh oh…" said Marth.

Scene: Crimea

"So after that nice beating…" said Zelda. "And that unnecessary tangent…"

"Will you guys hurry up and free me?" cried Paula. "I'm kinda getting sick staying up here, especially after figuring out that Young Link killed my mother! Also, I don't like having this rope around my neck!" (Link sniggered)

"Enough of this crap! I won't let you do that!" said Ganondorf. "Execute Paula, now!"

"No way! DINS FIRE!" Zelda cried, swinging her arm out. Nothing happened…

"I'll stop this! Demon Fang!" said Link. Ganondorf grunted as the blast of wind hit him again.

Peach bombed Link. "You realize that this place will burn down like Toad Town, you idiot, if you defy them?"

"They're not burned down, ya know," said Link, coughing. "Plus I'm supposed to be insane and say that I want to destroy all of Team Rocket."

"…now THAT'S insanity right there," said Peach.

"Look who's insane…" muttered Ness.

KABOOM!

"HANG HER!" cried Ganondorf.

But Marth was already on the platform. "Ha, you took longer than the script asked for!" said Marth. He was holding Paula in his hands. "I've already saved her."

"ARGH! Why is everything going wrong? My plans and my script! I hate you in both ways, Link!" said Ganondorf. "I'm done with this! Grunts, take them out! I'm leaving!" He teleported away.

"You guys are gonna get a load of this from dealing with our Lord!" said a Rocket grunt as he and two others approached the party.

"Oh please, four strong people against three weaklings?" said Ness. "Give it up!"

Peach blew up Ness. "That one person left out was me, right?" she growled.

"No… I meant… we can only… fight with four… at a time…" groaned Ness.

Peach hesitated, then pretended to not notice him.

"Bring out your best!" said Grunt number two.

Link, Marth, Peach, and Zelda surrounded the three Rocket Grunts. Two of them carried a whip each, and the last one had a staff to summon magic.

"Nut Cracker!" said Link as he took out a rubber band and slammed it into the first whip grunt's eyes.

"GYAHHHHHHH!" the grunt cried, falling to the floor and crying his eyes out.

Peach was beating the second whip master to a pulp; the description would flow the story out of the PG-13, no, even the R rating.

Marth slashed the mage three times, then…

"Demon Fang, yo!" he said. "Followed by Fireball!" He shot three more fireballs. "Hey, I'm really liking my abilities!"

The grunts went down instantly and Paula was completely freed.

"Thank you guys!" said Paula. "Now I'm going to go find that Young Link and kill him for killing my mom!"

"Wait!" said Link, but Paula ran out of Crimea, ready to seek out Young Link. "Oh man… Well, better him than me."

"Isn't she supposed to get captured?" asked Ness.

"Well… we'll see how things turn out soon?" Marth replied uncertainly.

Scene: Pokemon Center

"The Hell?" said Ness.

"No cursing!" Zelda reprimanded Ness, smacking him on the head with her chakram.

"I mean… a pokemon center? What the heck is Hack smoking?"

Ness suddenly got nut-crackered by the floor.

"The pokemon center is a house of salvation," Hack said from the sky. "And I haven't been smoking anything."

"All right… so Falcon said that we have to get the people here to show me the statue," said Marth.

"One more 'show me your' thing, and the person who says that will die," said Peach.

Everyone was silent. Finally, a man behind them broke the silence.

"You've got to rescue the tour guide of Crimea!" cried Soren (Ike's right-handed man).

"Tour guide? Who is this tour guide?" asked Zelda.

"Paula! She was giving a tour when she was captured by Team Rocket!"

"Again? Are they going to execute her again?" asked Link.

"Save her! You have to halt your mission, for it's for your own benefit as well!" said Soren.

"Uh… All right?" replied Link.

"Thank you! I'll lead you to the ranch!"