DISCLAIMER: I'm not Just Kidding when I say I'm not J.K.(R.)

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Chapter Ten

After this...interesting visit...Severus Flooed home and began to make preparations, thinking all the while.

Fact: Dumbledore did NOT tell me that Lupin was going to Romania. So, either Lupin (and Sirius) are lying, or Dumbledore's hiding the information from me.

In he case of the first, why would they lie? It could very easily be a trap that they're setting to kill me. Why? Pure and simple hatred? Or maybe they believe what they said Dumbledore said about me...that I'm the one responsible for the attack...and they made up all that tripe about me being framed to set me off my guard, so that I'd trust them. All right, so they could very well be trying to kill me.

However, this sort of thing really isn't their style. Black tried to kill me once, by inciting my curiosity and by using Lupin as a tool. That's quite different from this--Lupin's doing the persuasion, instead of being the guillotine, and he's inviting me to reason things out. They're not just giving me red herrings. On that note, Black was really recalcitrant to even participate in this, or so it appeared. This doesn't, I think, have the hallmark of a prank. At least, not a prank on Black's part. Maybe it's a scheme, but it's not a prank. They aren't going to get a riotous laugh out of the results of this. Either it's the truth, or it's a sadistic scheme. I'm certain on that point now.

In the case of the second, why would Dumbledore hide the information, and why would he be interested in doing so? I am a spy for him--granted, not his best spy, perhaps, considering the damage I've already done that I'm trying to atone for--but I should think I'm not a bad one. At least, as long as he doesn't question my loyalty...which is hard for him, I assume, since my reason for converting seems, to him, to be based on lust rather than anything else. He...he doesn't understand that Lily's more to me than a shag I've wanted since a little kid. Ergh!

He cringed at the very thought that he might be considered so shallow and so perverted. (Though, at the back of his mind, he could remember a few times when he'd let his infatuation get the better of him and he'd wanked in the dark of night, imagining her naked at his side. And for all this, he was ashamed.)

However, as he looked into his mirror--a Muggle one, since it was his father's house that he lived in--he could understand how he might be perceived in such a light. His stingy hair, which he hadn't had the chance to wash all week, framed his face like limp spaghetti, his acne was acting up as usual, and the baggy old clothes he wore (from his deceased father's closet) were sized to accommodate an enormous pot-belly that Severus had thankfully avoided acquiring of yet.

Of course, he realized sadly, I'm no lover boy, much less the Princely and gallant young man of noble ideals and courtly love that might sweep a woman off her feet. I look like the scum of the earth, like I know nothing but of the lower classes, nothing but of 'the pleasures' of rough young barmaids and the occasional street whore. Which, of course, is far from true...but Circe! One's lower birth doesn't necessitate that one can't respect women!

Having made himself thoroughly depressed, he pondered over the idea that...perhaps...he ought to dress up to visit Lily.

I want to show her that I've 'reformed'. One of the most obvious ways is...well...to try and make an effort with one's appearance.

So, he left the room and climbed the stairs to dig in his father's old closet in the hopes of finding at least a blazer and collared shirt.

What other reasons might Dumbledore have it in for me? he wondered purposefully as he searched. Or, maybe it's someone else.

He began to mentally list his perceived enemies, but found that very few of them could have had any real connection to the mystery.

Maybe it's all a farce, maybe none of it's real. Perhaps they're all just trying to get at me. They could be all in it. But what would they ultimately want me to do? The best I can give is my mind, at the worst I can give my life.

He found a passable shirt, sport-coat, and trousers, which he reduced via transfiguration so that they didn't require sticking charms to remain on his body, and then he stood at the mirror to reduce some pimples.

Am I in the way of someone who wants to do something? Maybe...is this land that I live on worth anything? Is there something that my mum has from her old family up in the attic, some heirloom that someone wants? Is one of the old books on our shelves downstairs worth some extraordinary amount?

He began cataloging his possessions in this way, but couldn't think of anything that anyone would find worth removing him to jail--or killing him--to get.

This is getting to be hopeless, he decided, sitting down on the bed. He was dabbing at his face with a tissue to reduce all the numerous red spots of blood. Let me start over and do this more systematically. What motives would anyone want to 'remove' me, temporarily or permanently, to Azkaban, or death?

1. Revenge/Hatred. Suspects--the Marauders.

Revenge for what, he couldn't say...but, as far as he could determine, the only real reason that they hated him was 'because he existed', as James so judiciously declared one time. Not anything worth killing him or imprisoning him, but definitely worth bullying him.

2. Property. Suspects--?

He couldn't think of any suspects who might have that motive. Spinner's End was not a desirable part of town, and, as far as he knew, there were no significant natural resources on the tiny lot.

3. Money. Suspects--?

He had no idea to whom his feeble Gringott's account would go to in the event of his death. I should make a will, then. To charity. With that, he made a mental note to see a lawyer that afternoon.

4. Love. Suspects--?

Here he came to a halt. Am I in the way of somebody on that battleground? he wondered, then took a step back to analyze his life.

There was only one woman that came to mind: Lily.

Am I in the way of...someone...in regards to Lily?

He thought about it, and suddenly, things began to make sense. Someone removed James, who (I can only presume) loved Lily. He was a major obstacle. Now he's worth nothing to her.

Now someone wants to remove me, because I guess, as Lily's former best friend turned back to her...well, I guess I come up as the next most likely victim. Who would want to remove me, though, and take my place?

The only answer he could come up with was Lupin.

He knows I love her, by whatever device, and he uses it as his primary rationale to suppose that I'm innocent of originating the attack. And it'd be very easy for him to modify the memories, I think, and put them in James' head.

But then, he thought about it, and had to laugh.

Lupin's one of the most passive dunderheads I know. He wouldn't have the cunning or drive to actually do it. Maybe he would think about it, if he was in love with her, but I don't think he would do it.

But Black would.

This gave rise to another train of thought.

So, perhaps Black and Lupin both love Lily and therefore want to get rid of...

Then he realized just how ridiculous this was.

They prided James before her. I know it. They wouldn't let their best mate suffer just for a woman.

So, he scrapped the whole idea, only to be distracted by a further contemplation in this vein. Oh Merlin, he realized, what if Dumbledore thinks that my love for Lily is what drove me to make the attack? What if that's why he's lost faith in me?

He didn't have an answer to that.

I'll talk to him tomorrow. Tell him...tell him anything. Oh, I can certainly see why my head's on the chopping block now! Did I have to be such an absolute fool? I fairly put myself in this position with the simple incriminating fact that I revealed my adoration!

He felt very much like sulking at this point, and he collapsed on the bed, his shirt unbuttoned and his face still splotch, and he lay there for ten minutes or so. Finally, he roused himself.

I'll go talk to Lily, he decided, and I'll...I'll not tell her I love her. I'll just ask her to forgive me. That's all. And then I'll disappear in Romania as soon as I get there with Lupin. I'll live as a hermit. Then life will be much more simple, and I'll not have to deal with all of this nasty intrigue and such.

With this determination, he sat up, went to the mirror, and began to mend his facial epidermis with his wand.

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I don't write purely for reviews and love from readers, but makes the top ten list. Please fulfill my dreams to get a thousand-review story! It really only takes a second.

A/N: brandon279 asked me: you made Dumpldore appear to be manipulative, but why should he suspect Snape
of doing in James, if he wanted to do that, why would he bother to defect into the order. plus why does not Snape prove that he does not have any time turner. plus till now, Snape is Dumbledoors only spy, he should not get rid from him due to mere suspicions.

I respond: Good of you to think critically; I need that with this story, since I don't have everything planned out.

-Dumbledore, one might presume, suspects that Snape maybe defected from the Death Eaters with the cock-and-bull story about being in love with Lily...partially to become a spy in the Order, and, on the side, to get his revenge on James and the Marauders in general. On the other hand, notice that Dumbledore's making sure that all of the Marauders are being isolated from one another--what do you make of that?

-Why doesn't Snape prove he doesn't have a timeturner? Well, how does one prove that one doesn't have something? The only alternative is a search or diagnostic or something. But, at the same time, in the wizarding world, such spells are usually reserved for searching for 'dark objects', so a time-turner wouldn't be found, I suppose. That's not a great explanation, but that's the one I'm working with.

-Well, we don't know that Snape is Dumbledore's only spy. What about Regulus Black? I mean, in canon it's fairly obvious that he's working on his own, but couldn't he have been working with Dumbledore to some degree if he hadn't died? There's also one other spy that Dumbledore had in their ranks...and then also Severus. In other words, I think a simple spy is expendable in Dumbledore's view.

Thanks for these questions! They get me thinking and keep me from swerving in the wrong direction with this fic!