A Selfless Kind of Love

Part 12

He could see Craig from where he was sitting and like this afternoon he found himself watching him, only this time he was wondering why he didn't have someone in his life. From what he'd seen of him so far he didn't think he'd have any trouble attracting a man or keeping him. He certainly liked him, but not in that way!

Craig was making his way back in to the room with their drinks now, and wanting to keep the heat off himself for a little longer Aaron decided it was time to find out more about him. "Where was it you lived before?"

"The other side of Leeds."

"So why'd you move here?"

"I was growing restless, fancied a change of scenery, then I heard there was a post wanting filling here so I applied for it and got it. Finding a gay club more or less on my doorstep was an added bonus!"

"What was it you said you did again?"

Was Aaron actually showing some interest in him or just trying to shift the attention away from himself? The latter most probably, "I'm a fire fighter, have been for the past five years... now enough about me. Did you meet Jackson in Bar West?"

A fire fighter! Yeah he suited the job somehow. The firemen that had got Jackson out of what was left of his van had all been brilliant. All calm, caring, professionals. One of them had taken him aside, and had managed to calm him down a little, then had explained what they were going to have to do. He could see Craig being equally as efficient in an emergency situation.

"Aaron?"

"Yeah, that's where we met." And it seemed a very long time ago now, so much had happened. Good and bad.

"Here," Handing Aaron his mug of tea he then sat down beside him, not too close but he wanted things to be a little less impersonal between them, Aaron might find it easier to talk if he did, "So who did the chatting up?" He asked jokingly," "you or him?" He couldn't see Aaron doing it somehow, but then he might just surprise him.

He shook his head at the memory, "It wasn't like that. It was a mess, I was a mess. I hadn't come out then; I'd been denying I was gay for years...to myself I mean. I didn't want to be gay. I messed him about for weeks. I liked him, I really liked him but I was scared, so scared of being found out that I hit him. I punched him in the face." Tears! They'd come out of nowhere and he was having to wipe them away.

"It was ages before we got together properly. All that wasted time, time we could have been together. All because I couldn't accept I was gay, because I thought it was wrong to love another man, to share his bed."

He hadn't realised it had been that hard for Aaron, "I know it's a lot harder for some than for others." He'd not had any real difficulty himself, but then one thing he wasn't lacking in was confidence, and he'd never cared what other people thought about him. As far as he was concerned people either excepted him or they didn't, and if they didn't it was their problem not his.

"I made it harder for myself and impossible for Jackson."

"Not so impossible you too didn't get together."

"You don't understand." Craig had no idea how he was back then.

"Then help me understand."

He was going to have to tell him everything to do that, starting with him trying to kiss Adam, and then everything that led up to the court case. What would Craig think of him then?

"Aaron?"

By the time he'd forced it all out there were more tears running down his cheeks, more proof of how weak he was, how pathetic he was. He wiped them away with his sleeve, ashamed of just how easily he cried.

"It's alright," It's what Aaron needed right now, to let some hurt out.

"No it's not! All that's shit's in the past." He'd like to think it was but he knew it would always raise its ugly head. If he was ever to meet someone else. not that he wanted to, he'd have to tell them all that wouldn't he? He heaved a sigh, he'd had more than enough now, he needed some sleep. "I'm tired."

Craig looked at his watch, "It's gone one!" He hadn't realised it was that late. Aaron looked exhausted; it was time they called it a night. "I'll take you home or the offer of the sofa is still good, it's up to you."

He didn't want Craig running him around this time of the morning, he'd put him out enough as it was, "The sofa sounds good."

"Right I'll sort some blankets out you text Paddy and let him know you're here."

After sending Paddy a message letting him know he was ok and stopping at Craig's, he made his way to the bathroom, catching an unwelcome glimpse of himself in the mirror, not a pretty sight! His eyes were red and he could do with a shave, he couldn't remember when he'd last had one. So what, who cared what he looked like, he certainly didn't.

He'd spent the next hour tossing and turning, the sofa was comfortable enough, the room warm and he was tired to the bone but sleep just wouldn't come. He was just getting more and more irritable so decided to get up and make himself a drink, he knew Craig wouldn't mind.

As he waited for the kettle to boil he realised Craig was also up and about, he could hear him padding along the hallway, appearing by the doorway a few seconds later. Again he found himself looking at him, and with Craig now dressed in only a pair of boxers he found himself liking what he saw! But that wasn't right! He shouldn't be having those sort of thoughts; Jackson wasn't even ... he looked away quickly, reaching for another mug and saying, "Do you want one?"

"Yeah go on. So you can't sleep either?"

"It's that coffee you made me drink."

Aaron had flashed him a grin with that comment, his face softening, and without any trace of grief marring his features he was one good looking lad! "What's keeping you awake, the sofa?"

"No it's fine, I've just got so much going on in my head, I can't switch it off."

It didn't surprise Craig, Aaron had relived a nightmare earlier, he'd lain awake going over what he'd told him, he was having a hard time digesting it all, especial the horrifying fact he'd attempted suicide, "You went through hell."

"A hell of my own making," He didn't want Craig's sympathy, he wasn't worthy of any, "Like I told you before it didn't have to be that way." He'd started to walk away, wanting to bring that line of conversation to a halt, but Craig had caught hold of his arm, and he'd been forced to meet his gaze.

"Why are you so hard on yourself?"

The gentle inquisition was the last straw. For some reason it had got to him. He felt a lump form in his throat, silent tears form and trickle down his cheeks. He couldn't look away from the warmth and understanding in the green eyes, and when the older man wrapped his arms around him offering the comfort he needed he let him.

For a little while all he'd been aware of was the quiet strength holding him, soothing him. But he was now slowly becoming aware of something else. A closeness, a tenderness, a warmth...body heat. Someone else's flesh touching his, the scent fresh, clean and unmistakably male. He lifted his head from where it had been nestling against Craigs's shoulder, his eyes meeting the older man's before slowly moving to settle on his lips, before covering them with his own... tasting, gently melding...

TBC