A/N: This chapter was supposed to be the last one, but I had to split it up or else it would have been unwieldy. ObliviBella Fail-O-Meter: 2, which seems like a good thing, right? We'll see! Oh, and just FYI- if you're a crier, have tissues handy; I've been told that a few parts caused tears. See you guys at the bottom :)

Chapter 11: Looking Back

Hours after I'd left Chicago, I had finally arrived in Forks and was waiting on the front porch of Bella's house. Jasper opened the door with a subdued smile, "It's good to see you, man. She's in the kitchen with the girls." He looked out towards the car, but I was grateful he didn't comment on Kate's absence.

The sound of the television seemed to echo through the house, obviously left on to help disrupt the deafening silence. The eerie quiet belied the presence of six people, four of whom I had never heard speak at less than full volume or move at less than full throttle. Jasper walked in with me, but sat on the couch to stare at the TV screen with Emmett.

I turned the corner into the kitchen, and saw B sitting at the table with Alice and Rose next to her. She was staring down at the shredded remnants of a tissue on the table, twisting it in her fingers. She didn't even look up as I entered the room. Glancing over at Alice and Rose, I raised my eyebrow in question. Alice stood and walked over to me, pulling me into the living room, out of earshot of B. She put her arms around me, hugging me tightly before quickly pulling away.

Her voice was a rough whisper. "Thank god you're here now. She's been like that since we left the hospital this morning. She refuses to eat or drink anything, she won't speak to anyone, she just sits there. She hasn't even cried since they first told her he was gone." Alice took in a stuttering breath, trying to keep herself together. "It scared the fuck out of all of us, Edward. She was sobbing and wailing in the middle of the awful little waiting room they took us to, one of the nurses pulled the door shut to give us privacy. She must have realized how loud she was and she just stopped, like a switch flicked. She hasn't made a sound since."

The hollow ache in my chest began to gnaw its way lower into my stomach. Just trying to imagine the depth of Bella's pain and loss was almost crippling; I couldn't even begin to fathom what she was actually going through. I began to think of ways to make her more comfortable, the only thing I could think of was how much she hated attention focused on her, even if it was just from friends. That seemed like it might be a good place to start.

"Alice, I'm going to take B upstairs. Have you guys eaten yet?" I hoped she didn't mind me taking over, but really I couldn't care less. I was going to do whatever Bella needed.

"No, I can order something if you want," she offered quietly, not arguing with me at all.

"Yeah, that sounds good. Whatever you guys want, is fine with me."

I moved to walk back to the kitchen, feeling so confused about what the hell to do for Bella. Kneeling in front of her, I gently put my hand over hers, halting her continued paper ripping. There was no point in meaningless greetings, we both knew why I was here, and we both knew there wasn't shit I could do to truly help.

"B, do you want to go upstairs?" I asked gently. Her eyes finally lifted from the table to meet mine, looking mildly surprised to see me. The anguish shimmering in her unshed tears caused the ache in my heart to burn brighter, deeper. She nodded her head almost imperceptibly.

Rose followed us up the stairs so she could help Bella change, while I waited out in the hallway. A few minutes later, Rose came out of the room and wrapped her arms around me lightly, whispering, "Thank you for getting here so quickly. She needs you." I nodded against her shoulder, letting her know I heard her, though I wasn't sure how much I could really do- I was as clueless as the rest of them. My parents were going to be here tomorrow, and I would be relieved when my mom could take charge.

Silently closing the door behind me, I stopped to take in the room. The late afternoon sun filtered in through the curtains, the room was still and somber. Bella's grief permeating the air around us. Everything looked almost exactly like it had all through high school, pieces of her life scattered around the room, most of them shared memories. Though once they felt familiar and comforting, they now seemed taunting reminders of her loss. She was curled up tightly into herself under the covers of the bed. Sitting in front of her, I began to stroke her hair back from her face, watching helplessly as tears coursed unrestrained across her cheeks and nose, soaking into her pillow.

Her voice cut through the stillness of the room like the crackling of ice in the silence of winter. "Lay with me, Edward," she whispered brokenly. "Please." Without hesitation, I slipped off my shoes and climbed under the covers with her. I wrapped my arms around her, pulling her tightly towards me, as she buried her face in my chest. Her tears continued to soak into my shirt, but thankfully soon, her breathing became deep and even as she fell into a fitful sleep.

Sometime later, the room submersed in darkness, I was startled awake by the sobs wracking Bella's body. She was clinging to me, my arms already tightened around her in reflexive protectiveness. "Bella? Is there anything I can do?" I felt completely useless and ineffective, of course there was nothing I could do. She spoke in stuttering breaths, "Just...just, hold...me...please. Don't...let go."

Her begging broke me. "Never, B. Never."

WWWWWWWWWWWWWW

The gray light of morning found Bella and I still clinging to each other as I listened to the rest of the house begin to stir. As much as I didn't want to leave the bed, we couldn't stay here all day. My parents weren't going to be here until the afternoon, but there were probably things that we needed to take care of before then.

After convincing her to shower, and then having one myself, we walked downstairs together. Alice and Jasper had spent the night and had breakfast waiting for us. Luckily Alice had already been in contact with my mom and was prepared with a list of things we needed to do. Charlie had most of the service pre-planned with just a few small details left to Bella's discretion. The funeral was scheduled for the next day, which didn't leave us much time.

The day passed in a fog of shared grief. Bella hadn't let me leave her side the whole day and I was more than willing to comfort her. For the first time in what felt like forever, I was comfortable in my own skin. This was what I knew, taking care of Bella was second nature; it was a relief to not have to think about who I was for a little while, even if the circumstances were grim. I dreaded the thought of going back to Chicago in a few days, both because of the mess I'd left behind there and also because of leaving Bella here. My mom had said she would stay here as long as Bella needed, and that made me feel a bit better.

My parents arrived late in the afternoon. Mom took one look at B and puller her upstairs to her room so Bella could rest, leaving me in the living room with everyone else. Without Bella by my side to act as a buffer and focus my attention, I felt awkward and fidgety. The specter of Kate's absence hung over me, but no one broached the subject, though it was obvious that everyone was wondering.

Almost an hour later, my mother came down the stairs alone, shaking her head when she saw me stand to go upstairs.

"She's asleep, leave her be," she instructed, before asking the question everyone wanted answered. "Why isn't Kate here?"

I took a deep breath before responding, hoping we could keep this short and to the point. I really wasn't interested in recounting all the ways I had failed Kate. "We broke up. It wasn't working, and we wanted different things."

No one looked surprised or upset, for some reason that pissed me off a little. So what, they all just expected that I was such a fuck-up she'd eventually leave my ass?

"It's about damned time!" Alice said loudly. That was followed by a couple of murmured assents. My jaw tightened and my eyes narrowed, I was more than a little pissed now.

"What the hell? You guys were waiting for her to break up with me? Thanks for the vote of fucking confidence!" I stood up, ready to leave the room. My mother put her hand on my arm to stop me.

"Calm down, Edward. I think what Alice meant," she said, raising her eyebrow at Alice in reproach, "was that it's obvious how unhappy you've been the last several months, and that your relationship with Kate seemed to be a large part of that. I'm sorry that things didn't work out; I liked Kate, but I just want you to be happy."

She leaned over to give me a hug, drawing the attention off of me to discuss the funeral the next day. I walked outside to call Charlotte. I had already called her, while I drove to Forks from the airport, and filled her in on both Charlie's death and my break-up with Kate. But, I hadn't talked to her since then, and there was so much shit going through my head, I needed to try to make sense of it. She picked up the phone right away.

"Hey, Edward. How's it going?"

"Hey Char. It's um, well, it fucking sucks, actually. Bella's a mess, the funeral is tomorrow and I just got the third degree about my break-up with Kate." I grumbled, avoiding the things that I most needed to talk about. Charlotte was too experienced with my bullshit though and called me on it.

"So, how are you handling being around Bella?" she asked succinctly.

"She's just so sad, Char and it's breaking my heart. She's leaning on me because I'm her best friend and she's fucking grief stricken. I keep having to remind myself that it's not real, you know?" I was being as honest as possible; I knew by now there was no use in lying to her because she'd see right through it- which is one of the reasons we were such good friends.

"I can only imagine, that must be hard to watch her in so much pain. But, what do you mean that it's not real?" She sounded confused.

"Things like when she asked me to stay with her last night, and then she hadn't left my side all day until about twenty minutes ago when my mom made her go rest. I'm the only one that's been able to get through to her, to get her to eat or talk." I paused to think through what I wanted to say next. "It feels so fucking real. She needs me, and is taking comfort in the fact that she knows that I'd do anything for her. But, I know that it's her sudden aloneness that's making her need me like this, it's not her. I'm so fucking raw right now and she's always been this balm to me." I stopped again, trying to keep my emotions in check.

"None of it's real, right? It's her grief that makes her need me so much, and it's my break-up with Kate that makes me so ready to let her to lean on me however she wants. Does that make sense?" I could almost hear her turning over the information in her head, and waited for her to respond.

"I know what you're saying Edward, and I think you're right to be cautious. Just don't be too cautious, okay? You guys have been friends forever, it's okay to need each other- even if it's more than you need other people."

"I just know that I've misread her in the past, and felt there was something there that wasn't. I don't know, I just feel really exposed and fucked up right now. It's not the best place to be to both help B and protect myself."

"It'll all work out, Edward. You're a lot stronger than you give yourself credit for. I'm really sorry about Charlie. He was a good guy, everyone loved him," she said with a sad sigh.

"Yeah...yeah he was." Our conversation continued for a few minutes before we hung up. I was feeling a little more grounded. Even if I didn't have any more of a fucking clue how to handle things, at least I had kind of clarified why I was feeling so off kilter.

WWWWWWWWWWW

After another night spent with Bella in my arms, sleeping fitfully, and crying intermittently, the morning of the funeral dawned gray and dreary. The service was mid-morning and the church was packed, standing-room only. Charlie was a huge part of the town and had friends from all over; everyone wanted to come to pay their last respects. Bella handled the crowd and attention well, but by the end she was ready to crawl out of her skin. Charlie had obviously known exactly what B needed: he had requested the burial be closed casket and only close friends present. Even if he had a hard time showing it when he was alive, there was no doubt in my mind that he loved Bella.

We left the graveside after everyone else, and drove back to Bella's now-empty house. After changing into more comfortable clothes, I made us each plates of food from the dishes that had been dropped off earlier by neighbors. Bella pulled out a couple of photo albums and we flipped through them as we ate.

It's funny how when you're a kid, the adults seem like part of the furniture, they serve a purpose, but mostly they're just there. You no more expect them to suddenly disappear than you would expect to walk into your house and find the couch gone. As an adult you can see just how much they gave and taught, how much they supported. How much they loved.

Bella paused her perusal of the album, running her fingers over a picture of her at ten, holding up a huge bass, standing on Charlie's boat. He was standing beside her, looking down on her with this look of sheer pride and adoration. I think I was the one taking the picture.

I watched as her tears began dotting the surface of the album page, the light drizzle turning to down pour as her sorrow overtook her. She didn't move to let me hold her though, just kept tracing her finger over the frozen images.

"All I ever wanted was for him to say 'I love you, Bella'. Just those words. He told me he was proud of me all the time, he constantly told me I was a good daughter. But he never said the only words I ever wanted to hear." She choked back a sob and took a deep breath to continue. "And now he'll never know that I finally hear it, I finally hear what he spent his life trying to tell me in everything he did. It's a fish and he looks like I just lassoed the moon. God, Edward, he loved me. He loved me so fucking much. And I loved him, and now he's gone, and I'm all alone, and can't ever tell him."

That's when Bella finally broke down. Her body practically vibrating as her grief and pain radiated through her. Her choking sobs emptying her lungs of air before gasping them full again to start over in long wailing echos of pain and loss. This time when I moved to hold her, she let me.

I don't really remember the day of the picture, though, and I don't think B did either. I'm sure we both would have tried harder to keep it closer in our hearts if we had known that years later, it would be looking at the frozen image of that moment that Bella realized Charlie loved her. And it was too late to tell him.

WWWWWWWWWWWWW

Bella slept almost peacefully that night, worn out from the emotionally taxing day and her breakdown. I think too that she had finally found a bit of closure in realizing that Charlie loved her. I was relieved she was doing a bit better, because I knew I had to go back to Chicago soon. I only had six days scheduled, and it was already day four, but I'd been avoiding thinking about it. I didn't want to think about the empty apartment I was coming back to, or the grief-stricken girl I was leaving here. And I absolutely didn't want to think about the broken-hearted girl that I'd failed in Chicago.

Everyone had pretty much left Bella and I to our own devices since the funeral, occasionally calling to check in, but for the most part we'd been alone for the last twenty four hours. We spent some of the time talking and remembering, sometimes we watched movies, mostly, though, we just sat quietly. I made sure that Bella was eating, and that she slept when her emotions got to be too much for her. We were sitting around late in the afternoon the day after the funeral, when I realized Bella had stopped watching TV and was looking at me curiously.

"Edward? Where's Kate?" The question caught me completely off guard. Since the brief inquisition a couple of days ago, no one had mentioned her. I had allowed myself to focus solely on Bella, and push the whole situation from my mind. To have her brought to the open so quickly made my breath hitch in guilt, ache, and confusion. I cleared my throat and tried to sound nonchalant.

"She's back in Chicago," I hedged, hoping that she would drop the subject. But, she just raised her eyebrow, requesting for me to continue speaking. I sighed sadly, pulling my hand through my hair, "She broke up with me just before I came here. I assume she's getting her stuff from the apartment now."

Bella looked up at me with an unreadable expression on her face. "What happened?" she pushed quietly. I really didn't want to talk about this, but before I could stop myself, the words came tumbling out.

"We just didn't work anymore. She wanted more than I could give her. She was pushing me to marry her, and I couldn't. It wasn't fair to either of us to keep at a relationship that wasn't what either of us wanted." I didn't look at Bella for fear that she would see the truth on my face, the truth that had almost wrecked our friendship so many times before; I couldn't give Kate what she needed because my heart already belonged to Bella. It always had.

Bella started to say something, but then changed her mind, only whispering "I'm sorry." I wasn't sure exactly what she was sorry for, but I didn't question her.

WWWWWWWWWWWWW

Before either of us was really ready, it was the day I had to go back to Chicago. The previous day had been comfortable and relaxing, with an easiness between Bella and I that I hadn't really experienced in a long time. Our friends and my parents had come by to keep Bella company, and my mom had started helping Bella figure out all the things that needed to be done to take care of Charlie's estate. There really wasn't much left for me to do here and I had to get back to work.

I had told everyone else goodbye and was on the porch with B, swinging back and forth on the porch swing, killing time and putting off my departure. She had been exceptionally quiet, and I was worried that the stress of me leaving was going to cause her to break down again. Finally, she looked up at me, her eyes anxious.

"I need to tell you something Edward," she swallowed loudly, visibly uncomfortable and nervous. Her distress caused my back to stiffen, my whole body tensed in response, preparing for whatever was to come.

"It's been a long time coming, and I'm sorry I didn't tell you sooner," she whispered. "I wanted to, but I just...couldn't. The time never seemed right, and everything was so fucked up for so long..." she trailed off cryptically. She was silently pleading me to understand, but I had no idea what she was trying to tell me.

Taking a deep breath, she seemed to find her resolve to continue. "I know now, I can see, there's never a perfect time and if you wait, there might not be any time left, imperfect or otherwise." Leveling her eyes with mine and putting her hand up to my cheek, she spoke earnestly, ardently, "I love you, Edward. I've always loved you. I know that now."

I stared at her in shock, she was finally saying the words I had always wanted to hear, and my heart desperately wanted to believe her. But, my head, my fucking head, refused. Words that should have felt warm and soothing on my bruised soul, instead felt like a kick to my gut. They hurt and stole my breath. She was lost and scared, she was alone and grieving; she loved me, sure- but she wasn't in love with me.

"Bella, I...I.." I stumbled, those three little words on the tip of my tongue, but the one time I desperately wanted them, the one time she requested their presence, they refused to come. She was looking at me, the hurt I was causing her evident. I wanted so badly to say it back to her and ease her pain. But it wasn't fair to her or me; she was going to realize some time later that her admission wasn't true, and I was going to allow myself to get caught up in a fairy tale. If I didn't make myself do the right thing now, we both would end up in a lot worse pain, later.

I thought about my conversation with Charlotte, remembering my fears. Sighing in frustration at myself and the situation, I tried to explain to her. "You've spent years telling me that you could never love me, and now that you're alone and scared, suddenly you do? You may have realized that you love me like a best friend or a brother, but it isn't more than that."

I could tell she wanted to argue with me, but I knew our time was running out, so I continued speaking. "Bella, I can't do this now, I just...I don't have it in me. There's a fucking mess waiting for me back in Chicago, and you're still reeling from everything. I'm sorry. I really am."

I glanced down at my watch, noticing that I was going to miss my plane if I didn't leave now. I stood to leave; Bella jumped up and threw her arms around me, "Please, don't leave me, Edward. Please. I love you!" I desperately wanted to wrap my arms around her and hold her to me, but I remained impassive. "It's not too late, I know it's not. I need you. Please," she said desperately, pleading me through more tears.

I couldn't stay any longer, both time-wise and for my heart's sake. "I have to go, B. I'm sorry," I whispered to her, untangling my body from her arms. "You're my best friend and I'm there for you, always. Call me if you need me. My mom's staying as long as you need her," I said, making my way towards the rental car. With every step I took away from her, I felt like once again my world was collapsing. I was so fucking sick of everything falling to pieces when we parted. As I drove away, the last thing I saw in the rear view mirror was Bella standing on the porch of her house, alone, shoulders slumped and shaking. It took everything I had not to turn around and go back.

A/N: Maybe we need an Edward Fail-O-Meter this time? Next chapter is the last one (for real this time, it's all written) and then the epilogue (which is also written).

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