"Last time on Total Drama All Stars: the final five went on a slippery, saucy, sundae shopping spree with extra 'are you nuts?' Speaking of slips, Mal probably should have done something about that incriminating footage before I finally got to see it. Or is he Mike? Or was he ever Mal? I dunno. Either way, thanks to his latest dirty trick, he won the challenge, but invincibility doesn't amount to much when I'm short one house, so he got the watery boot. Four more players remain, but not for long." Chris was interrupted by a strange fart-like sound off camera. "Uh, okay... Who's going to the finale?" Another fart sound interrupted him again. "And who's going to get a bacterial infection if someone doesn't quit using the Flush of Shame?" The sasquatch sitting on the giant toilet growled at Chris in response. "Seriously bro, we put people in there! Anyway, it's all or nothing time right here on Total. Drama. All Stars!"

As the crickets chirped, Brick sat on the steps to the loser cabin and sighed. Alejandro approached him from the boys' side of the cabin. "What are you doing out here? Aren't you tired? I know a long day of losing would surely make me tired, if I ever lost, that is."

Brick ignored the insult. "I'm just thinking about things is all."

"I see," Alejandro said. "Well, it is your loss. Good night." With that, Alejandro went back into the cabin.

"So the good news is that I'm in the final four!" Brick said happily. "I never thought I'd get this far ever. I owe it all to my friends. Geoff, Cameron, Zoey, Mike... The sad part is that I wouldn't even be here if it weren't for Mike getting sent back to the looney bin—er, mental hospital." He sighed again. "I sure hope he's alright. Anyway, I just have to focus on the challenge at hand and hey, when I win, maybe I can send some extra cash his way to help him out while he's in there. I just hope Geoff would be willing to help me until we get to the finals."

Geoff reclined in the hot tub at the spa hotel. "Aw, I haven't been in a hot tub this great for as long as I can remember. This is awesome!" Suddenly, Chris approached him with a towel wrapped around his waist.

"Hey, roomie!" He said. "As you know, my house kinda got destroyed, so I'm staying here with you, the winners."

"Gee, that's...great," Geoff said.

"Hey, it's no fun for me either," Chris said as Geoff got hit in the face with the towel. "I lost everything. Including my swimtrunks." When Geoff pulled the towel off his face, Chris was sitting in the hot tub with a smug grin.

"Uh, ew..."

"Final four baby! Woo!" Geoff celebrated in his own confessional. "I've never gotten this far on Total Drama before. I'm super stoked to be so close to winning! At the same time, it's sorta depressing thinkin' about how many of my friends had to lose for me to get to this point. And Mike's whole deal is a bummer just to think about, man. But hey, I never let a little bit of sadness get me down, and now's not the time to start. Million dollars, here I come!"

"Of course I am in the final four. I am Alejandro Burromuerto and Burromuertos don't lose. That million belongs to me and Heather, and if any of those losers have anything to say about it, they will have to pry it from my cold dead hands."

"Do I feel like I'll make it past the final four? Absolutely," Jo said. "I'm gonna make it all the way this year! Just look at my competition and try to tell me otherwise. I mean, there's Colonel Mustard Shorts who has the IQ of the thing he's named after and Mister Party Boat, who only got this far because of sheer luck. My only real competition is Alejandro, and without Heather, he's way off his game. I can tell. Furthermore, they have to share one tiny little room, whereas I'm the only girl left on the island, so I get that half of the cabin all to myself. Trust me, it helps a lot. I am a shoe-in for that million bucks!"

The next morning, Geoff was sitting down to a meal when Chris stomped in, furious. "Man, I'm so bored!" Chris whined. "I miss my cottage. Did you know the soap here is made of soap? What am I, a peasant? And 600 thread count bed sheets? It's like sleeping on sand paper! How do you live like this?"

Geoff rolled his eyes. "Uh, huh... Hey Chris, can I share somethin' with ya? One host to another?"

"What is it?" Chris asked, getting delirious.

"Get over it! Your 'cottage' has been gone for like, ever dude. It's time for your heart to go on."

Chris glared at Geoff. "Alright, that's it. Someone's getting a disadvantage in the challenge today!" He spat before stomping out of the room.

"Whoops..."

Outside, Brick and Jo finished their separate jogs just outside the loser cabin. Jo was hardly phased and Brick was feeling winded. "What's wrong, Dampy?" Jo asked. "Didn't get enough cuddle time in the big fancy spa hotel?"

"No," Brick retorted. "I just haven't been getting very good sleep these past few days."

"Oh, boo hoo. Good thing you've got your buddy Geoff to carry you through the challenges, huh?"

"He does not carry me," Brick protested. "We both help each other out equally."

"Yeah, sure."

Suddenly, Chris' voice sounded over the loudspeakers. "Good morning final four! Gather on the dock pronto. It's crunch time! By that, of course, I mean you're about to get crunched." He signed off with a laugh.

As everyone made their way to the dock, Jo caught up with Alejandro. "Hey, Spicy McLatin, I need to talk to you."

"I do hope you are not coming on to me," Alejandro responded.

"No, I'm suggesting we team up on voting tonight."

"Why?" Alejandro asked.

"Brick and Geoff are working together, and if those two keep their alliance up, there's no way either of us is making it much farther. We need to break up that dream team, and I suggest we do it by getting rid of Brick."

Alejandro pondered this. "I see. And why not Geoff?"

"Because Brick is the real threat here. If he goes home, there's no one for Geoff to rely on and he won't be able to coast any farther."

"Good point," Alejandro said. "Okay, deal. We will both vote for Brick tonight and in the event that they both vote for one of us, I am sure either of us could beat him in a tie-breaker."

"Exactly! You're smarter than I gave you credit for, Al."

"Don't call me that."

Meanwhile, Geoff quickly caught up with Brick. "Hey man, how'd you sleep?"

Brick shrugged. "Not so good."

"Aw man, what's buggin' you?"

"Well, I've kind of been having trouble sleeping since the whole Mal thing got out, but last night I couldn't sleep because the fact that I would have gone home if Mal hadn't kept bothering me."

"Hey dude, that's all in the past. By the way, whatever happened to that sundae...?"

Brick pulled Geoff close and whispered in his ear. "Don't tell Chris, but I flushed it."

"Ah, that makes sense. Anyway, let's work together today and make it to the end, what do ya say?"

"Sounds good, soldier!" Brick said. They high fived just as they reached the dock behind Alejandro and Jo.

Up to the dock came a boat with Chris standing on the forefront dressed like a pirate. "Arrr, mateys," Chris greeted as the boat docked. "Come to me faithful bird!" Chris jumped out of the boat and from the driver's seat came an unamused Chef, dressed as a giant multicolored parrot. "Oh come on, stop frowning. You look great and you know it. Hey if you don't wanna be here, then—" suddenly, the boat pulled away. "Hey! That isn't what I was gonna say!" Chris shook his head and approached the final four with a sigh. "Sorry guys. It's just that life is so hard in the spa hotel. I'm sick of roughing it!" Everyone present rolled their eyes at Chris, who continued anyway. "Since I'm craving the comforts of home, I've come up with a special challenge. Your mission? To retrieve one of four valuable pieces of pirate loot, stashed somewhere on the island."

Jo rolled her eyes. "As if there's anything valuable around here."

Chris scoffed. "There's plenty if ye know what yer lookin' for!" He said, resuming a pirate accent.

"Chris' idea of valuable is pretty skewed," Alejandro said. "He is such an egomaniac, his most prized possession is himself. Although I should not be one to talk, as the same is also true for me." To prove his point, he pulled out a small mirror and started admiring himself in it.

Chris walked across the dock to a small table, where four wooden chests sat unopened. "To determine who searches for what, each player will choose one of these four treasure chests. Geoff, as the kind of winner of the last challenge, I would say you get to go first, but you ticked me off this morning, so you get to pick last. Instead, Jo gets to pick first." Jo approached the second chest from her left and grabbed the lid to open it. The chest shocked her before opening and when it did open, a piece of paper with a red foot pictured on it sprung up. "Excellent," Chris said. "Jo, you must bring me the yeti."

"How am I supposed to do that?" Jo protested.

"Figure it out," Chris said. "Brick, you're next." Brick picked the chest to the left of Jo's and opened it. A cloud of pepper assaulted his face and the piece of paper that popped up held the logo for season three's Team Chris Is Really Really Really Really Hot. Brick sneezed violently and Chris chuckled. "Brick, you must go the crumbling, life-threatening, dangerous wreck of my former cottage and bring back an intact portrait of me."

Brick sneezed even in the confessional. "D-did he say life-threatening?"

Alejandro cautiously opened a chest and flinched, anticipating something painful to happen. When nothing happened, he leaned over the chest to peer inside and was met with a boxing glove on a spring to the face. The glove had a picture of a gem on it. "Perfect!" Chris said. "You must bring me the McLean diamond which can be found on or near the abandoned pirate ship which just happens to be guarded by an old friend of yours."

"I have to fight whatever this is and get punched in my beautiful face and all Brick has to do is find some art? How is that fair?"

"Hey, there's no fair in pirate," Chris said.

Geoff approached the last chest. "So that leaves the last for me, huh? What is it?"

"Nice try, smart guy, but the choice isn't official until you see for yourself."

"But it's the last chest, obviously it goes to m—"

"Just open it!"

"Alright alright, geeze." Geoff threw the lid open and reached inside. He yelped in pain and brought out his hand, which a snapping turtle had latched on to. He swung his arm around and finally managed to pry it off after a moment of Chris' laughter. He finally reached inside and pulled out a piece of paper with a golden Chris printed on it.

"Geoff, you must bring me the long lost, original, Golden Chris Statuette. You know, the symbol of immunity you never got in season two?"

"Ha ha," Geoff said sarcastically. "Any idea where I can find it?"

"If I knew, it wouldn't be long lost, now would it?" Chris said.

"What's the point of sending me after something that might not even be here? You might as well ask me to go to mars!"

"Helpful hint," Chris said. "Think fast and work even faster, because this is a bit of a special challenge."

"How so?" Jo asked.

"The player who comes back last or worse: empty-handed will be sent straight to the Flush of Shame. Do not pass Go, do not collect one million dollars." Everyone gasped on cue. "That's what I like to hear."

"So much for voting off Brick tonight," Jo sighed. "Well, at least this means there's a chance Alejandro will leave. I'm okay with either one, really."

"One more thing before I send you off: this is a strictly no alliances challenge. You must help yourself and only yourself. Okay?" Chris resumed his pirate accent. "All clear! On yer mark...!" Then he sighed when no one was as enthusiastic as he was trying to be. "Okay, just go." He blew an airhorn and the final four raced off.

"Oh, so I have to go through the ruins of a destroyed mansion on my own," Brick whined. "Great...So if you never see me again, papa, I love you."

Alejandro boarded a huge, half built, prop pirate ship. "Is this the ship they used in the season two finale?" He wondered aloud. He got up on the main deck and looked around cautiously.

"And Alejandro's first to reach his pirate loot zone!" Chris' voice said from speakers mounted just under the bird's nest. "This means the heat is on! I hope my loud voice isn't getting your opponent's attention or anything..."

From a door with a crescent moon carved in it, the Total Drama Machine emerged and beeped angrily at Alejandro. Alejandro glared. "You. I see you also feel that we have some unfinished business." Alejandro assumed a fighting stance. "Give up and tell me where the diamond is now and it will save you a world of hurt." The machine rolled fully out of the room it came from and revealed one hand was still a claw hand and the other had replaced the hammer with a miniature canon upgrade. Alejandro didn't back down, although he did break a sweat. The claw hand of the machine opened up a chest panel to reveal that the diamond was stuck fast among the wiring and gears. "Oh great..." Alejandro mumbled. Then Chris decided to chip in.

"It is a robot, Al. It doesn't feel pain. But you do."

The claw hand picked up a giant wooden hammer that was lying around and started to give chase to Alejandro. "Oh no..." Alejandro ran from the crazy robot, leading it on a chase around the deck.

Meanwhile, Jo walked through the forest, searching for her target. She came across a set of very large footprints. "Yeti prints!" She celebrated. "They look fresh. That beast can't be too far."

Suddenly, Chris decided to interrupt with his obnoxiously broadcast voice from a loudspeaker not too far from her. "Jo is zero-ing in on the yeti, but bringing him back might be a bit harder, especially if he—" Jo tossed a rock at the loudspeaker, dislodging it and sending it to the ground, no longer playing Chris' voice.

"That'll shut him up." Jo climbed a nearby tree to get a good vantage point.

Brick ran towards Chris' cottage enthusiastically. "One intact painting. How hard can it be, really?" He stopped in his tracks when he came close enough to the wreckage. "Oh, why did I open my big mouth?"

"Thanks again, Mal."

To no one's surprise, Chris' voice even reached his cottage. "And Brick reaches...my beloved cottage," he said, choking up in the middle there. "Treat her gently, Brick. Gently."

Brick rolled his eyes. "Yeah, yeah..." He reached a smoldering piled of rubble with the top of a frame sticking out. Just beneath the frame was what looked like a perfectly intact picture of Chris in his pirate outfit. "Hey, what's that?" Brick grabbed the top of the painting and pulled hard, unable to make it budge. "Oh, come on..." He griped as he pulled harder. Suddenly, a part of the barely recognizable upper floor got dislodged and hurtled toward Brick's head. From his control room, Chris paused the footage just before it could make contact and knock Brick out.

"Whoa! Where did that stuff come from? What will happen to Brick? Where is Geoff even gonna start to look for my idol? Will anyone survive? You stick around and find out here on Total. Drama. All Stars!"

The second the rubble above Brick's head started to fall, the painting he was trying to retrieve ripped, sending him tumbling backwards and narrowly saving him from being buried in debris. He fell on his butt and hit himself in the face with the corner of the painting in an attempt to scratch his head. "Ow! Stupid painting..." He got up and continued searching, completely disregarding the pieces of the ceiling that nearly caved his skull in. In his search, he bumped into a supporting pillar, causing an even bigger pile of rubble to topple down and bury him.

Meanwhile, Geoff wandered aimlessly around the island. "That statuette can't be lost. Chris has gotta be pullin' my leg. There's no way he would lose something modeled after himself." He approached the ruins of the mine and thought about the possibility that the statuette was in there. "There were two of those things down there last season, so maybe the real one got left there. But on the other hand, there is a mutated freako down there so...maybe I shouldn't." Geoff backed away from the mine slowly and continued searching elsewhere.

Jo crawled carefully along a tree branch and found Sasquatchanakwa wearing a chef's cap and an apron searching in a tree hollow for something. "There he is," Jo whispered to herself. "And he's...bigger than I remember." She nervously shrank back as the yeti pulled out a nest of brightly colored bird's eggs and smiled at them hungrily. "I should have made a plan, but sometimes you gotta just go for it!" Jo leapt from her perch and landed right in front of the yeti. She snatched the nest and ran ahead. "You have to work for your dinner, maggot!" And with that, she sprinted off with the infuriated sasquatch in tow.

"And Jo is the first to find her loot," Chris announced. "Will she be the first one back to the dock?"

Alejandro mouthed Chris' rhetoric theatrics mockingly and rolled his eyes. He was sitting in the bird's nest while the Drama Machine patrolled the main deck below him. "I need to find a way to subdue the machine before it can get to me." He tripped and nearly toppled over out of the bird's nest. When he saved himself, he noticed a pile of rope at his feet. "That should do nicely." Alejandro picked up the rope and quickly got to work.

"Along with etiquette, table manners, and proper hair care, my parents also went to great lengths to teach me rope work. Why? I am not quite sure, but I will make sure they did not teach me these skills in vain."

Within minutes, Alejandro had set up a rig with the rope he found. He dropped down on top of the drama machine and secured two nooses around its hands. He flipped off of the machine and grabbed another strand of rope hanging from the bird's nest. He tugged on it and the makeshift pulley system hoisted the robot up helplessly. It beeped and whirred angrily at Alejandro who crossed his arms smugly. He opened the hatch on the robot's torso and reached for the diamond, but before he could grab it, the ropes holding it up snapped and the hammer it was holding came down hard on Alejandro and knocked him through the floor. He crashed on the level under the deck and groaned in pain.

He got up and dusted himself off. "Bested by a stupid machine. This isn't how I was meant to spend my time on this stupid show." He shook his head and made his way to the deck to try his luck again.

Geoff approached the old cafeteria. "Hey, maybe he left it in here at some point." Geoff entered the cafeteria warily. "Hello?" No killer robots here, right? Or you know, killer chefs?" He scoured the cafeteria for anything and when he didn't find what he was looking for, he ventured into Chef's old kitchen. He looked in every nook and cranny, but there was no mini golden Chris to be found. He opened the refrigerator to see a hairless, mutant squirrel that was somehow over-looked by the detox team. "Oh, hey there little guy," Geoff said. "Are you cold in there?" In response, the squirrel stared at him with its head tilted. It blinked sideways and Geoff jumped back with a screech. "Holy moly!" He slammed the fridge door and ran away as fast as he could.

Back at the cottage, Brick finally managed to break free of the pile of stuff he was under. He was covered in a gray layer of dust. "Oh geeze, where am I...? Oh right, paintings." He looked down and gasped. "Do my eyes deceive me? He reached into the pile of debris and pulled out a mostly intact painting of Chris in a fancy robe. The dust caked this painting too and the frame was bent and broken in places, but it was an intact Chris painting. "Yeah! No rips! It just has a little dust. I can fix that right quick." He put his hand on the painted Chris' face and tried to wipe it off, but something went wrong and he ended up smudging Chris' face so bad it became a skin colored blob with a mouth and eyes. "What? No! Don't do that, please!" He frantically swiped at the paint, but he couldn't fix the painting no matter how hard he tried. "Oh no..." He looked around in a panic. "Maybe...maybe I can fix it. Mud and squeezed berries look like paint, I think. I could try that." He ran off to find the materials he needed.

Jo ran ahead of the yeti with his dinner-to-be held high over her head. "You'll have to try harder than that," she jeered.

"Jo is leading her loot to the docks," Chris commentated. "So if you haven't found yours yet, you might wanna think about doing so right now."

Jo cheered as she ran. Unfortunately, as she did so, she tripped over a rock and went tumbling, sending the eggs everywhere. They splattered on the ground and after taking it in for a moment, Sasquatchanakwa roared in outrage. He clocked Jo, sending her to the ground and stomped his foot in anger like a two-year-old throwing a tantrum. Jo jumped to her feet and put her fists up, ready to fight. "You wanna go, yeti? I'll go. I'll throw down!" As she and the yeti fought, Chris chuckled from the spa's control room.

"Okay then. I guess we better head back to the dock to see who wins this."

Brick desperately slathered berry juice on the painting. "Okay, now I just need brown..." He picked up the painting and searched for leaves he could crush or something that he could use for the brown of Chris' fancy robe. He walked by a bush and a bear emerged. Brick screamed, but the bear ignored him and continued on his way. Brick looked behind the bush the bear came from and flinched. "Ew. But...it is the right color..."

Jo punched the sasquatch in the gut, making it double over in pain. Then she kicked it in the face while it was down and knocked it out cold. She lifted it up and started carrying the injured animal over her shoulder to the dock. "Take that you stupid beast."

Meanwhile, a somehow shirtless Alejandro was narrowly avoiding cannonballs from the Drama Machine's fancy cannon arm. "I am not done with you yet, you silver menace!" He jumped on the robot's head again and it reared its arm to hit him with the giant mallet. He jumped out of the way just in time for the machine to smack itself atop the head. He grabbed the claw hand and ripped the mallet from its grasp before hitting directly in the face. The Drama Machine fell over, short circuiting and beeping weakly. Alejandro pried open the chest compartment and untangled the diamond from the wires it was stuck in. "There. That will teach you." He put the diamond to the side and lifted the Drama Machine high above his head. He posed triumphantly and after a moment, walked over to the edge of the ship. "I would say I will miss you, but sadly for you, I will not." He dumped the Drama Machine overboard into the waters below. "Good bye, Total Drama Machine. See you never," Alejandro said as the robot sunk to the bottom of Lake Wawanakwa.

Geoff kicked open the door to the communal washroom and gagged. "Ew, gross! How does it get even more rank every time I go in there? And how the heck haven't I found this stupid statue yet?"

Back at the area they started the challenge, Chris looked to a hill not too far off and spotted Jo riding the unconscious sasquatch like a snowboard down the hill. They slid to a stop in front of him and Jo jumped off the poor beast and presented him to the host. "Ta-da!"

"I could say I don't care for how you did it, but that would be lying," Chris congratulated. "That was awesome!"

Jo nodded approvingly. "Thank you, thank you. That was pretty cool, now wasn't it?"

"Jo wins the challenge!" Chris declared as Alejandro ran up and handed the diamond to him. Chris took it and examined it. "And here's Alejandro with one fake diamond."

"Fake? What?"

"This is the one that was lodged in the robot, right? Well, funny story about that. The real diamond is still somewhere on that boat. If you played your cards right, you wouldn't have even had to fight it."

Alejandro growled at Chris. "You mean you planted a red herring?"

"A blue herring, but yes. Alejandro is empty handed. And so is Geoff, I presume?" Chris asked as Geoff approached the group dejected.

"Dude, I don't think that stupid thing's even on the island anymore. You must have taken it with us to season two. There's no way you can fault me for not being able to leave the island!"

Chris shrugged. "There is a way, and I'm gonna take it. Geoff, Alejandro, you better hope Brick's also empty-handed, or else we may just have a double elimination on our hands.

Just then, Brick ran up with the charred, hastily re-done painting. "I'm here, I'm here," he panted as he slid to a stop in front of them.

"And Brick is last to arrive, but he comes bearing loot. Unlike Geoff and Alejandro."

Geoff rolled his eyes and Alejandro muttered several spanish curses under his breath.

Brick held up the painting. It was so terribly re-painted, it looked like a potato wearing a brown sleeve-blanket. "Funny," Chris said, examining the portrait. "I don't remember this one."

"Uh, yeah," Brick stammered. "I had to do a little, uh, restoration work on it."

Chris sniffed the painting and recoiled. "Ew! What's that earthy aroma?"

"Oh, that is, uh, advant garde? It's stylized. It's, uh, it's..." Brick finally sighed. "It's bear poop."

Chris promptly puked all over the painting. "That is it! For showing up last and defacing my portrait, Brick gets the flush."

Geoff gasped and Alejandro smirked. Jo laughed at his misery as sasquatch slowly regained consciousness. "That's not fair," Geoff protested. "I came back empty-handed."

"True, but you didn't make me hurl," Chris explained.

Brick sighed. "Fine. I'll go."

That night, the final three, Chris, Chef, and Sasquatchanakwa watched Brick float in the giant toilet. "Good luck Geoff," Brick called. "I hope you win, soldier."

Geoff nodded and saluted. "Thanks man. Means a lot to me."

Brick saluted back. "As for you, Jo. Good luck to you too. You're my second choice."

Jo scoffed. "At ease, Brick Breath. I don't care which choice I am, I'm gonna win."

"What about me?" Alejandro asked.

Brick shrugged. "Eh." The rest of what they heard from him as a scream as he disappeared down the tubes.

"And we have our final three. Alejandro, Jo, and Geoff. Who will make it to the finale, and who will take the scenic route to the Flush of Shame? Find out next week when the terrible threes become the triumphant twos on Total. Drama. A—" Suddenly, the sasquatch growled. Chris looked at it with a raised eyebrow. The sasquatch was doing a weird little dance with its legs crossed and its huge paws covering its crotch. "What? You need to go now? I'm doing an outro!" Finally, he groaned. "Fine, but make it quick." The sasquatch sat on the toilet and Chris nodded at Jo. Jo jumped up and punched the sasquatch in the face, knocking it into the toilet. Chris clicked the flush button and the sasquatch disappeared down the toilet. "Thank you Jo. Now where was I? Oh right. Tune in next week on Total. Drama. All Stars!"

A/N: So you may have noticed that in the original version of this episode, it went straight from the final four to the final two, but only one person got eliminated in-story. Well that means that next week's episode will be a completely original challenge written by me with the help of my girlfriend, who single-handedly thought of the concept for the first half of next week's episode. Unlike the rest of the story so far, I had no episode to go off of when writing the next episode, so I do hope you enjoy my original challenge next friday. I'll see you then!