Episode 9: Nonparallel and Unsymmetrical: Mary's Decision
I continued crying against the tree as I began to reminisce on what I had experienced with Midnight and Demon. I couldn't believe those two illiterate (because they're dumb for being stupid and mean) morons had betrayed me and had went so far as to taking away the parallelism of my symmetric life. Just as I began pitying those fools in my self-pity, I felt the wind flowing by me faster than normal, and turned around to an abnormally peculiar sight. It was a terrifying troll and the same man who had gotten my friend's parents killed (see, I told you this information was important) flying towards me using his telepathy (he's such a good esper that he has telekinesis as well) to levitate himself. It was...Trolliam Thee!
"Oh my way!" I cried while running away in fear in my own personal fear.
"Burn!" Trolliam Thee shouted randomly as his unprecedented command impeded my escape by causing me to freeze in fear. As he swooped towards me, I turned around and faced him, knowing I only had one chance against him...
"Waffles!" I bellowed unexpectedly as he stopped dead in his tracks and landed on the ground, forgetting that he could read minds for a second.
"You like pancakes?" he asked, confirming my plan had worked, for random chance was in my favor.
"Destructive kick of decimation!" I shouted as I punched him in the face with a fist hard like a frying pan instead of kicking him.
"YYYYYEEEEESSSSS!" he cried in pain as he fell to the ground knowing that my troll logic had been proven more rational than his.
I tried to run away, but then I stopped when I turned around once more and paused at the site of his nose bleeding and him squealing with joy in his pain.
"Oh yes!" he yelled as he put his left hand in his pants and started rubbing his stomach with his right hand. "You ruined my face, my special place, and it feels like you just touched me with a demon's grace!"
It hurt me to see the sadomasochist villain in pain, and even though I'm a masochist, I stopped thinking about my own pleasure in order to help him.
"It's alright," I sympathized as I helped him get back on his feet, "your face looks better with your bloody nose bleeding all over it. It signifies true depression and self-destruction, two qualities a true female goth should look for in a man."
"Thanks for helping me out of my phase," said the grateful fiend, "you've done me a nice favor. Now let me repay you properly...by having you do me another favor!"
Trolliam used his hands to pull a gun out of the special places of his pants (his pockets, you perv), and pointed it at my chest. I put my hands up in the air in fear as not even talking nonsense would get me out of this one.
"You shall pay me for the payment I just received in proper currency, death, for I am a Death Dealer," the criminal snickered like a crook. "I will get what you owe me...the death of your boyfriend, Demon Ace Kai!"
I froze in fear again as I got a chilling feeling of icy frigidness down my cold spine.
"How...did you know that that vile devil was my former lover and soulmate for all eternity?" I asked the telepathic mind reader.
"I have telekinesis, you worthless incarnation of frivolous stupidity, of course I'm intelligent enough to know what you're thinking!" he said as frustrated as a professor trying to teach a ditzy child that two plus two equals four equaled four. "And your buddy of an eternal boyfriend Demon must die!"
"But...why?" I asked in confusion. "Sure he's an immoral, detestable, profligate traitor that the world (AKA me) could do better off without, but that doesn't explain why you would want him dead."
"No...you don't understand just how evil he really is..." Trolliam replied in an ominous tone, "he isn't just a lech...he's also a con-man! I'm the one who's been selling him all sorts of merry doo-hickeys to support his very crazy sex life for the past month that he's been attending this school, and instead of legally paying me with death or even a check and a form, he paid me in illegal currency...money. With all the things he purchased from me...do you know how long it took me to count all of that cash?"
"Oh my Satanic God, that is so wrong," I replied in a shocked tone. "But...how am I supposed to kill him? Murder is almost as great of a crime as the annoyance he caused you, I don't know if I can do it..."
"What?!" Trolliam shouted in surprise. "When did I say that?! I just needed you to make an accident happen that would kill him, or convince him to kill himself. Geez, I'm only responsible for the deaths of innocent people, I'm no killer."
"But...I also got expelled from school!" I argued. "There's not a chance they'll just let me back in if it's to convince a student to harm himself!"
"Heh heh, my troll logic dictates that that's for you to figure out Mary," he said with an illicit smile, "because I had already decided beforehand that if you didn't kill Demon...I would be so frustrated that I would get your other boyfriend Justin killed instead!"
"No!" I shouted in objection. "There's no way you would allow your emotions to interfere with your own plan!"
"Oh yes I would," he responded ingeniously, "because I'm evil! I let my emotions control me all the time, no matter what the circumstance!"
"You incomprehensible bastard!" I yelled at him angrily with emotional prudence.
"Say whatever you want," Trolliam said conclusively as he gave me the gun, "because it won't matter. This will end with either you making Demon fall on his own gun, or Justin falling on something hard instead. The choice is yours, you undecisive fool!"
He then used his telekinetic powers to fly back to his lair. I was so nervous now I had no idea what to do. With my love life ruined, my dying academic status dead, and with an impossible decision that I had to make, it seemed that there was no way to get out of this checkmate, this game that I had lost...until suddenly...Justin (I don't want to say Midnight anymore, mind you) came into the forest!
"Oh hello you jerky meanie," I said to him rudely, "what do you want?"
"Mary..." Justin said solemnly, "even after everything you've said and done, I just can't find it in me to abandon you."
"You may still care about me," I replied in an ambivalent manner, "but I was no longer concerned with neither you or Ace Kai after what happened. Just leave me alone."
Justin didn't respond, but instead held out a piece of paper.
"What is this?" I replied while looking at the paper. It was a sex offender registration form similar to the one that Demon had showed me earlier...only it was in my name.
"Take that," Justin said calmly as he told me to take the form. "Ace Kai wanted you to have this. Your expulsion from school has been revoked, all thanks to Ace who showed this form to the principal that he was going to give to you as a present. Before he went into class today, he signed a copy of his own form in your name. And since registered sex offenders can't be charged with offenses regarding sexual assualt or illegal substances, your name is cleared."
"But...why would Ace do that for me?" I asked.
"Ace only fills out those forms for the people in school he really likes," Justin explained, "which would probably explain why he never gave one to me, even though I would've had no use for it..."
"So...Ace really is in love with me..." I said in disbelief, "and that time when he had sex with you just to memorize those quotes...meant nothing."
"So...now do you understand?" he asked.
"Oh more important than that, I forgive you!" I said while hugging my atoned lover happily while thinking of that gothic and depressing rap song "Forgiveness" by Eminem. I couldn't believe it, my long broken love relationship was now abruptly and conveniently fixed! But it wasn't over yet, for I still had a life-and-death decision to make...the decision of the fate of my two no-longer ex-boyfriends, Demon Ace Kai and Midnight!