Apologies in advance for not getting Mammy's dialect right. I tried! I reckon I am about halfway through with this so bear with me. Again – this chapter might be a bit slow but I think it needs to be told. Sometimes you have good chapters, sometimes they are mediocre. Happy reading!

Chapter 12

When she awoke, it took her a moment to realise where she was. She had rarely gone in to Rhett's bedroom much less slept there and she was slightly disorientated. Everything was so…foreign…and it had the lingering smell of stale cigar smoke rather than the soft verbena scent that permeated her bedroom. Her head was spinning and as she raised it from the feather pillow, she became aware of the powerful ache that cut like a knife between her eyes. She tentatively felt across the side of the bed and it was empty. She was alone. It was only just after dawn and he had already left. Oh dear God, what had they done?

From the cracks in the heavy silk drapes, she could see the sun starting to wake up and she realised she needed to get back to her bedroom. Quickly. Before anyone noticed her absence or, worse still, found her in here. Hastily, she put on her chemise and then grabbed the remaining parts of her garb and opened the door. She peered out and, after checking that no one was around, ran back barefoot to her bedroom.

Once inside, she threw her clothes on a chair, put on a fresh cotton nightgown and clambered into her own bed. She pulled the covers high up around her and only then did she start to relax.

Despite her pounding headache, she fell asleep. When she awoke for the second time, her headache had progressed to a dull ache but she was aware of a sour taste in her mouth as well as feeling thirsty. She turned over on her side, welcoming the coolness of the sheets, and looked at the clock that sat by her bedside. It was almost one o'clock! She sat bolt upright and got out of bed and pulled the drapes back to check that her eyes hadn't been deceiving her. The sunlight streamed in and she squinted. It really was early afternoon which meant she had already broken her promise to Ella and Wade to spend the day with them. Guiltily, she looked out onto the garden to see if she could see them but she only saw the croquet set that Rhett had brought back from England just before they got married, abandoned on the lawn. The children must have been playing with it but they were nowhere in sight.

She went back to her bed and pulled the bell for Mammy. A few minutes later, the familiar, black figure knocked on her door and waddled in, holding a tray of steaming food and a large coffee pot.

"Ahs dun bring yo yer breakfast, Miss Scarlett. Ahs figured yer need to eat. But mebee yo wan lunch."

"Breakfast is fine, Mammy. Thank you. Just put it near the window. I think I might eat outside today." Mammy did as she was told and then shook her head as she started picking up Scarlett's clothes that she had so carelessly discarded. Then, she saw the ripped evening gown.

"Now, Miss Scarlett, whut has yo dun here?" she said, holding it up, its tear visible. "Ahs specs Dilcey kin fix it but…" She shook her head again. She came closer to Scarlett and as she did Scarlett saw her wrinkle her nose. She must reek of alcohol! Was the whole night as shameful as she was now beginning to recall? What had gotten into her?

Scarlett saw Mammy go into her closet with her clothes and when she came back out she asked where the children were.

"Mist' Rhett took dem out fer a picnic dis mornin'. Master Wade wanted ter use his new saddle an' so dey tek de horses to the Chattahoochee river." And then because she knew her mistress would ask if she didn't tell her, she added, "Miss Ella wuz sat in front of Mist' Rhett. She aint tek her own pony." Ella hadn't ridden alone since Bonnie's accident and they had only kept Ella's pony because Ella was so attached to him.

"Did Mister Rhett say when he would be back?" Scarlett asked, trying to sound nonchalant. Mammy's large black eyes looked at Scarlett with a hint of disapproval.

"No'm. But dey tek enuff fud dat dey culd be away fer a week." If Rhett had been on his own, she wouldn't have put it past him.

Scarlett suddenly felt a wave of nausea rush over her and for a moment she thought she was going to be sick. She swallowed hard and quickly several times before her stomach settled and the feeling passed. If Mammy's eyesight was any better, she would see how rotten she was feeling.

"Well, Mammy, can you leave me now and then come back in half an hour to help me get dressed. I think I might go and call on Miss Maybelle to thank her for the ball."

"Before yo go anywhere, Miss Scarlett, yo's need a baf. Yer need to smell of lavender not a woman of de nigh! Wen Ah come bak, Ah's run yer baf."

"Maybe," Scarlett answered, ignoring the insult as Mammy left her. Her stomach hurt now as well as her head and she had lost her appetite. If she tried to eat anything, she was pretty sure she would feel worse. She had drunk far too much wine last night and that last glass with Rhett...

Had Rhett been wanting to get her drunk? She had definitely been sober when they arrived home – well, almost – and he was the one that suggested the drink. Both times. His invitation had confused her and she certainly could do without being any more confused than she already was when it came to him. She felt herself blush as she remembered her brazen behaviour. She had practically offered herself to Rhett! "But we're married," she thought, trying to justify her behaviour, even though neither of them had adhered to the rules of wedlock for years. She tried to think back to those last moments before he had carried her to his bed. She had reached up to kiss him hadn't she? Or had he been the one to first place his lips on hers? She remembered feeling his arms go round her waist but was it before she touched him? Damn! She couldn't remember and she wanted to desperately. She didn't want him to think that she had been sitting here in Atlanta these last few months just ticking off the days until his return.

She had only once before initiated any intimacy and that was on the last night of their honeymoon when Rhett had taken her to the most expensive restaurant in New Orleans and she had drank copious amounts of champagne. When they had returned to their bridal suite, Scarlett had undressed and put on a new cotton night gown, which had sheer sleeves that flowed like bells from the elbows and a dainty French brocade border round the collar. It tied loosely at the top, exposing a couple of inches of her alabaster throat – a part of her body that she had discovered that Rhett liked to place kisses on whenever she gave him the opportunity. She had stepped out of the dressing room to see Rhett sitting by the window, observing the night time comings and goings of the city. For once, her usually alert husband didn't see her and she stood looking at him for several minutes marvelling at what a handsome man she had married. He was the complete antithesis of Ashley with his rich black hair, swarthy skin and perfect moustache and yet he stirred something in her that Ashley had never done and that she didn't quite understand, nor bothered to try to understand. She tiptoed over to him and he still didn't turn round; he was absorbed in the scene that was playing out in the streets below. Instinctively, spurred on by the champagne she had been sipping all evening and the memories of the previous night of their honeymoon, she leaned in behind him and wrapped her arms round his neck.

It might have been one of the only times in her life that she surprised Rhett, for his body spasmed slightly but he immediately composed himself and looked up at his new bride, with that look that Scarlett later categorised as his cat-at-a-mouse hole look. She swayed on her feet, but steadied herself by placing one hand on the chair and then bent right over him and kissed him on his lips. She maintained the pose for a few moments before she moved round to where he was sitting and collapsed into his lap, enveloping him in her embrace. It was so out of character of Scarlett that he had quickly scooped her up in his arms and carried her to their bed and made love to her as gently and tenderly as she had ever known.

As she lay in bed recalling that night over six years later, she now better understood her actions. With her barriers pushed down by the champagne and with Ashley at that moment far removed from her subconscious, she had wanted Rhett to make love to her, even if she hadn't realised it at the time. She had always pushed aside the fluttering in her heart that Rhett's kisses and even his very presence evoked and now she cursed herself for being so resistant to the notion of loving him…wanting him…just as she had so desperately last night. Oh, if only she could re-write history!

When Mammy returned, Scarlett was still lying on her bed, trying to ascertain if she could muster the strength to start her day.

"Miss Scarlett, yo aint touch yer breakfas'!"

"Oh Mammy, I don't feel so well. I don't think I'll get dressed after all or go out."

"Miss Scarlett, yer must eat sumpin. Please jes fer Mammy. Den yo mus hav a baf. Yo smell lak de madam of a ho house!"

This time Scarlett reacted to her loose tongue. "Mammy!" Scarlett exclaimed indignantly. "I do not!"

"Oh, yas'm yo do!" said Mammy equally vehemently. "Miss Ellen wud tell yo de same. Yo mus hav a baf and then mus eat sumpin'. Dere aint no one kan tole yo apard from me." Scarlett looked at Mammy, her green eyes dancing with irritation at Mammy scolding her. But as she looked at Mammy, her countenance changed from irritation to bemusement as she saw what Mammy was holding in her gnarled hands. She was holding her corset. Where on earth had she got that from, she wondered, remembering Mammy tidying up her clothes half an hour ago. And then, as Scarlett looked at Mammy and then at her closet and then at Mammy again, her hand went up to her mouth as she realised in horror exactly where Mammy had retrieved it from. Great balls of fire! She must have left it in Rhett's room! Scarlett started blushing and despite the warm air, pulled the covers up higher around her neck, wishing that they would swallow her up. What must she think?

Mammy went over to her mistress's bedside and gently placed the offending object by Scarlett's bedside.

Scarlett's befuddled mind was cantering through her options. She couldn't just ignore her or it. Perhaps, perhaps it was an old one Mammy had found somewhere, she thought hopefully, even though it looked exactly like the one she had asked Rhett to help her remove last night. But perhaps, if she just pretended…"Mammy, how…where…did you find that?" She swallowed hard, not directly looking at her.

"Miss Scarlett, yo ain't gwine play games wid me…" she said simply and gave her a look that left Scarlett in no doubt that she knew. Then, Scarlett's brain started doing somersaults and, because she knew that Mammy would not go into Rhett's room, she knew that Pork must have found it and given it to the female stalwart of the O'Hara family. If the night of Bonnie's birthday had by a miracle gone unnoticed by the servants, last night definitely hadn't. She had been rumbled.

"But…I…" Scarlett stopped as she saw a broad smile crease Mammy's old, fat, wrinkled face.

"Miss Scarlett, is abbt high time dat yo an' Mist' Rhett started mendin yer marriage. His a good gempmum an' ah aint wanna see mah l'il lamb sad no more."

"We're not mending our marriage…it's just…" Oh, how could she explain this to Mammy! And yet she had a feeling she didn't need to explain it to Mammy. Mammy had seen everything and understood her better than anyone – anyone except her husband – and she understood her, in part, because Scarlett had rarely tried to shield her from her worst behaviour. Scarlett knew that as Ellen's daughter, Mammy would stand by her, no matter how outrageous her behaviour had been over the years. Dear God, she had even helped her seduce and marry old Frank! She cringed as she remembered bullying Mammy to go and buy her some rouge ahead of attending Fanny and Tommy's wedding party which had been the first step in her two week plan to get Frank to the altar.

"Oh Mammy, I'm so…scared…" and, partly because she was tired and party because Mammy had provided her broad bosom for Scarlett to lay her heavy head on after Melly's funeral when she had gone to Tara for three weeks, she allowed some tears to fall down her cheeks. She had never bothered to tell Mammy about why she had been so sad after Melly's funeral – the fact of Rhett's departure going unspoken - but she knew that Mammy knew that there was more to Scarlett's unhappiness than just Melly dying. And when Scarlett had managed to drag herself out of the black hole she was in – by just a hair's breadth – Mammy had offered to return with her to Atlanta and had taken it upon herself to get her mistress better both mentally and physically.

Mammy had long ago lost protocol about physical proximity with her mistress and so she went and sat by her bed and stroked her hair in a manner that was reminiscent of Ellen's touch. "Honey chile," Mammy cooed. "Why's yo so scared?"

"Because I feel so alone. And I'm so tired of everything. I know it's my own fault but it's so difficult making friends and keeping them. I know no one likes me and last night at the ball, Honey Wilkes was so horrid. And now with Rhett back…oohhh…" and Scarlett's small body started shaking with fervent sobbing.

"Miss Scarlett, Mist' Rhett he loves yo."

"Why do you say that?" Scarlett said, sniffing.

"He come bak ter Atlanta dunt he?"

"Only for Bonnie! Not for me. He's leaving again next week. He told me so. Oh, everything is so complicated!" And she burst into a fresh flood of tears. But Mammy was no stranger to Scarlett's outbursts and having had almost thirty years of practice knew how to handle her. She reached out and took Scarlett's hand and squeezed it whilst, with the other one, she took a hankie that was by Scarlett's bedside and mopped up the tears.

"Dere, dere, honey, everythin'll be fine. Yul see. Yo aint a Robillard and O'Hara fer nuthin. Yo may be a mule but yo is also as strong as an ox and yo will feel better wid or widout Mist' Rhett. Jes look at Miss Ellen…" and then Mammy shut her mouth quickly and Scarlett was left wondering exactly what Mammy had meant.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~S&R~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

By late afternoon, Scarlett's headache had subsided enough that she allowed Mammy to bathe her and then, dressed in a plum coloured velvet housecoat, she went down to the parlour to look at Ashley's books. But despite her best efforts, she couldn't concentrate. Her mind kept on wandering to the night she had spent with her husband. She vaguely recalled him telling her it was a mistake – at least that was what she thought she remembered – but what did he mean by that? And then her mind drifted back to the last time they had shared a bed – discounting the night of Bonnie's birthday – when their behaviour had resulted in a baby. Oh good grief, supposing she got pregnant? Was that what he had been thinking of? It would be a disaster, not because she didn't want another child but because of the repercussions with Rhett. He would think it had been a deliberate ploy on her part and he would hate her!

After looking at the same set of figures for ten minutes, she conceded defeat and snapped the book shut. She sat down on the window seat and looked over the front gardens and at the trees that were just starting to bud with apple blossom and which, when in full bloom had the effect of softening the garish and harsh architecture of her Peachtree Street mansion. She needed to do something to occupy her mind whilst she waited for his return but she had never been very interested in reading and sewing was something she endured rather than enjoyed. She looked around the parlour and caught sight of the piano that hadn't been touched in months. Suddenly, she thought back to the years spent in Pitty's parlour when she had often been coerced to play in the evenings and, with those memories, went over to the instrument. Lifting up the heavy mahogany case that protected the keys, she sat down on the stool and started playing. In her melancholy mood, all she could think of were the sad songs from the war and she didn't have the energy or trust her faltering falsetto to accompany them with words.

After a while, she reached back further into her mind to recall some of the childhood pieces that Ellen had taught her and the only one she could think of was an old Beethoven piece, the name of which escaped her. It had been the single classical piece that she had learned to play without music – probably because it had been the easiest. She started playing, the notes rolling off her fingers and as she did, she became lost in her own thoughts. She was reasonably accomplished as a pianist, although out of practice, and despite the odd wrong note, the tune was recognisable.

As she reached the end of the piece, she heard muted childish laughter and then the front door slamming. Wade and Ella were home. She stopped, a cadence away from completion and stood up only to see both her children and their step-father standing in the doorway.

"Don't stop for us," Rhett said. "I haven't heard the Moonlight Sonata in quite a while." That was what it was called – trust Rhett to know.

"Oh, I was just tinkering. I wasn't really playing."

"We heard you outside, Mother. It was beautiful," Wade said and Scarlett laughed and then walked over and kissed her children on their heads.

"Did you have a nice time?" she asked, smelling the fresh air on them. Ella's cheeks were ruddy and her hair was all matted.

"We had a picnic, Mother," Ella said, grinning broadly.

"That sounds like fun. I wish I could have come."

"We were going to wait to see if you wanted to join us but…" Wade's voice trailed off as though he was scared of breaching a confidence.

"We waited for an hour but we weren't sure what time you would get up and we didn't want to get to the river too late," Rhett interjected. Scarlett looked at her husband. Did she descry that he had wanted her to join them?

"You could have woken me," Scarlett offered meekly.

"And risked the wrath of Sleeping Beauty? Not very likely."

Scarlett scowled at him. "Maybe you could try asking next time. You might be surprised with my reaction." And then, remembering that the children were witnessing the exchange, she turned to them and gently enquired whether they were ready for supper.

"I'm not hungry, Mother. We had so much food," Ella volunteered as she rubbed her tummy.

"But it's nearly six o'clock!" Scarlett replied.

"I'm not hungry, either," Wade added.

"Well, I don't like you going to bed without eating properly."

"We can always have a midnight feast," Ella said, looking up at her mother through her long fair eyelashes. She had moved to where her mother stood, and Scarlett felt a little hand grabbing at the skirt of her housecoat.

"Well…"

"Scarlett, they did eat a lot. They won't starve," Rhett said.

"Alright then," Scarlett said. "If you are sure. I just don't want you to be hungry later." Scarlett hated the children missing any mealtimes, a legacy of her own days of near starvation.

Just then, Mammy came into the parlour. "Master Wade, Miss Ella jes look at yo!" Ella ran from her mother to the comforting bulk of Mammy and embraced her. "Miss Ella, yo clothes are wet! Yo gwine catch yer death eef yo don put on dem dry clothes." She touched Wade's clothes too. "An' yo, Master Wade. Did yo go swimmin'?" They both nodded in unison. "Well, come wid me upstairs. Ahs soon get yo out of dem clothes."

The children scampered off with Mammy, Ella clutching Mammy's hands, leaving Scarlett alone with Rhett. She looked at him trying to work out what he was thinking but as usual his black eyes were indecipherable. She wished she had had the forethought to offer to help bathe Ella but now, if she left, he would know she was avoiding him. And she didn't want him to think that, just in case…what? That he didn't think last night was a mistake, despite his protestations?

The silence was increasingly awkward. Why did he never make things easy for her? Finally, she said, "Do you care for supper or have you too had had too much to eat?"

"I might take something later."

"Right," Scarlett said. "Well, I guess it's just me then. I'll tell Dilcey." She wanted to ask if he was staying home tonight but pride prevented her. Instead she said, "Thank you for taking them out. I was meant to do something with them today but…well…I guess I need to learn to handle my alcohol better. " She smiled at him so that he knew she was speaking in jest and he returned the smile.

"Well, at least some of us benefitted from your inebriated state." As he said those words, panic hit Scarlett. Did he think that last night happened just because she was tipsy?

"I wasn't drunk, Rhett. Maybe I had had a glass of wine too many but I wasn't drunk." She had known exactly what she was doing and she didn't want him to think…well what did she want him to think?

"I'm not complaining. I just think we both need to be a bit more careful." So he had thought it was a mistake! She had played her hand of cards and lost. Thank God she hadn't told him how she really felt – her humiliation would be complete.

"Yes," she said simply. She didn't know what else to say. "Well, if it's only me for dinner, I'll take it in my room. Good night."

"You're retiring to your room this early?" Oh, he was infuriating! What did he want her to do?

"I'll read a story to Ella but I'm not sure there is much point staying up beyond that. Besides, I want to go to the store early tomorrow so an early night will do me good." She moved towards the doorway.

"Whatever happened to your zest for living that I fell in love with?" At his utterance of the word "love" he got her attention. What had he said? She turned round.

"Sorry?"

"You're passion for living!"

"Oh, it's still there," she said, smiling wryly at him. "It's just in hibernation at the moment. I'm sure it will come out when it has found someone suitable to be passionate about." Rhett roared with laughter as Scarlett left the parlour.