Everyone's Not Dead. It'd Be Silly If Everyone Were Dead.
A Ragican Fanfic
By Winnebagels
Holiday Special – The Haunted Farmhouse.
*Fluke and Rage tip toe through a henhouse in the pitch black. Fluke is sporting a smart white shirt and an even sharper orange ascot. Rage is wearing a short purple jumper and tight pink leggings. He shakes in the cold.*
Rage – Come on man, how much longer do we have to stay cooped up in here?
Fluke – Well mate we split up to look for clues, so I'm guessing we can leave once we find a clue.
Rage – But we've been walking since we got out of the van. Can't we find a nice quiet place to sit down? These heels are really rustling my feathers.
Fluke – Look the ghost of Farmer Brown isn't going to catch itself.
*Evanz runs into Fluke's back, tearing his baggy green shirt on the metal door. Endless the Great Dane follows soon after, knocking them all to the ground. Fluke grabs a nearby chicken and starts an impromptu pillow fight. Evanz catches his breath after pulling several baby chickens out of his mouth.*
Evanz – Guys! Guys you're not going to believe it! Me and Endless were just sitting there, eating our fifth bacon pie when a man in overalls flew through the walls and chased us through like a dozen doors. We only escaped after dressing up as cosmonauts and beating him with moon rocks.
*Hollow walks in with his books clung tightly to his turtleneck sweater.*
Hollow – Jinkies guys. What are you all doing in here?
Rage – We're just clucking around.
Hollow – Jesus dick Josh, didn't we hear enough of those on the ride over? Can't you just shut up for once in your life?
Rage – Hey you don't have to be a cock about it.
Fluke – We're looking for clues.
Rage – Get it? Cause chickens.
Hollow – Found anything yet?
Rage – Fuck you guys. That was a good one.
Fluke – Nope. Nothing yet.
Rage – I'm funny. I'm talonted. Fuck I'm damn near eggzemplary.
Hollow – What about those glowing footprints on the ceiling?
*Evanz and Endless look up, look to each other, look up again, and hide in some hay.*
Fluke – What do you know? I thought ghosts didn't wear trainers.
Rage – People worship me.
Hollow – They don't. And I'm pretty sure I know who's really haunting this farm.
Fluke – Who?
*A glowing man jogs through the open henhouse door. He grabs hold of Rage before throwing him onto his back. He coats the doorway in spit from his chewing tobacco to cover his escape.*
Evanz – Rage! We hafta save him!
Fluke – It's ok. I've already got a plan.
*Twenty minutes pass. Evanz and Endless found jar after jar of jam but they ate them almost immediately so Fluke had to line the slip-and-slide with vomit.*
Fluke – Alright let's go back over the plan. Evanz, you and Endless need to find Farmer Brown and lure him to this stair well. Once he's here he'll see the Rock 'Em Sock "em Robots hanging from the chandelier. He'll stand on the lawn chair and stretch out his arms to get the robots. That's when Hollow comes in and pushes him with these pool floaties. From there he'll fall down the slip-and-slide and get his clothes all sticky. He'll rush to the bathroom to change. I'll be waiting for him in the shower with my cameras. We'll post the nude photos on line and he'll be so embarrassed that he turns himself in to the proper authorities. Then we untie Rage and get Irish milkshakes. Sound good?
Evanz – I'm still not sure about letting a ghost chase us.
Hollow – Would you do it for an Endless snack?
Evanz – Oh fuck yeah! You didn't tell me you had dog food.
*Evanz and Endless swallow their treats and punch each other in excitement.*
Fluke – Alright gang, let's solve us a mystery.
*Twenty more minutes pass. Endless digs her claws into Evanz's face as he hangs upside down from the chandelier. Hollow crawls through the vomit slide looking for his glasses. Fluke beats the ghost of Farmer Brown again and again with a shovel. Blood stains his ascot.*
Fluke – Take that! And that! And some of that! Nobody but my streamies gets to see me with my pants down! You fucking pervert!
*Hollow finds his glasses in the sick and puts them on. Fluke's shovel hits Farmer Brown in the face seven times before knocking his latex mask loose.*
Hollow – Just as I thought
*Hollow unmasks Farmer Brown.*
Evanz, Fluke, Endless – Old man Graves?
Hollow – That's right. Old Man Graves thought that if he scared people away from the farms, he could buy the land wholesale and use it for his combination camera shop/travel agency.
Fluke – How could you?
*Another bloody tooth falls from Old Man Graves's open mouth. He stares blankly through his shattered glasses and breathes heavily.*
Hollow – And he would've gotten away with it too, if it hadn't been for us meddling kids.
*Evanz's foot slips loose from his shoe and he and Endless roll down the stairs.*
Fluke – What about Rage?
Hollow – What about him?
Fluke – Well where did Old Man Graves hide him? Where did you hide him you floppy bellend?
*Fluke hits Old Man Graves once more with a shovel. Old Man Graves slumps to the ground and begins to twitch.*
Hollow – Oh that. He's a smart guy, he'll find his way home.
*Fluke shrugs his shoulders and gets in the driver seat of the green and floral van. Hollow climbs into the back and opens a book. Fluke reminds Evanz and Endless not to mess up his car. Evanz and Endless turn to each other and then hop on the roof of the van, tying themselves down. They share a bucket of hotdogs and banana pudding.*
*Rage sits in the corner of a dark barnhouse, crying through his ball gag.*