A/N: I'm going to carry on doing short flashbacks as I feel the story needs some fleshing out concerning JJ's stay but I don't want to bore you all at the same time with chapters upon chapters of her being stuck in the hospital! Also hope you don't think this whole story is going to be this depressing, I swear I'm not that mean. Please review, it means a lot to me.
"Hotch I told you, I'm fine." JJ insisted, lowering herself into the wheelchair in front of her, one of Hotch's arms on hers to keep her steady.
"JJ, please stop saying that." He replied lightly, keeping a firm grip so as not to allow her to fall.
"But I am! The doctors have all cleared me." She said defiantly. JJ knew she had to let Hotch see she was okay, one slight grimace in pain and he'd march her straight back in here, and right now she really needed to escape. "I've been in these same four walls for eight days now, my bloodwork came back satisfactory, everything's good."
Saying the last two words pulled on her heart, making her flinch at the forcedness of the situation. She sensed that Hotch knew how hard she was trying to prove that she was okay. She'd gone backwards and forwards in her head over the last twenty four hours that'd passed since she'd been informed by the doctor that she was ready to be discharged, under certain circumstances. JJ had refused the offer for immediate PTSD counselling, but knew that she would have to face it soon enough. She had just trained herself not to look that far forward in the future, teaching herself to stay focused in the present. And at the moment, the only thing she could think as far as doing, was climbing into her own bed, smelling the comforting scent of her own home, and not having people check in hourly. Though she could foresee that the latter part would most likely not change.
Once JJ was in the wheelchair, Hotch reached over to the bed and grabbed her overnight bag that had her spare clothes and toiletries in that she'd used during her stay. Slinging it over his shoulder and clasping both the handles, he started to wheel JJ out of the room.
JJ couldn't help but feel an unsettling flicker of emotion as she left the place that she'd stayed in for what seemed like forever. All the spectrum of feelings she'd experienced whilst in this place were beyond overwhelming. Though she longed to be home, there was a part of her deep inside that wanted to stay here, where she was safe and untouched by the outside world, where her life was frozen and she didn't have to think about things.
"Let's get you home." Hotch said sternly but with a caring tint.
She looked down. It felt strange for her to be in normal clothes. The hospital gowns she had adorned whilst she was here felt more familiar than the black skinny combat trousers and red v-neck sweater she wore now. As they made their way down the corridor, and checked out at the front desk, JJ had a brief moment of internal panic. Sudden electricity was sent sparking around her veins as she realised she wasn't ready for the world out there yet. It had become an unknown and scary place to her, and she couldn't shake off the deep feeling of distrust to anyone she saw, already. Hotch picked up on this and wheeled her aside a moment before they stepped out the main entrance.
JJ wrung her hands together as they became clammy, desperately trying to keep her facial expression calm. She knew it would be pointless though, she was constantly surrounded by profilers who were trained to tell when people were lying. He bent down to her level slightly and spoke quietly.
"Are you sure you're ready to leave JJ?"
She thought back for a moment, her big blue eyes searching into his, trying to decide what was best. Her heart thudded loud in her chest and she felt the all-too-familiar prickle of tears beginning in the back of her eyes.
Taking a firm grip on her emotions, she suddenly had a surge of determination wash over her.
You can't let him win JJ.
"I'm sure." She said through a whisper, her eyes locking onto his powerfully. He seemed to consider this a moment, and then nodded before carrying on wheeling her out to the SUV parked right outside the front of the hospital.
As soon as they were both in the car once Hotch had returned the wheelchair, JJ felt her eyes drooping. Luckily, he didn't even bother trying to make small talk with her, and she rested her eyelids for a moment. The smell of the worn leather interior and Hotch's familiar cologne soothed her nerves. By the time they had arrived, she had come back around again, stirred by the sound of the car engine coming to a stop. Opening her eyes, she saw Hotch climb out of the car, gently closing the door and coming to hers to hold it open for her.
"Just a heads up, Garcia will be dropping by within the next half an hour." Hotch tried to say as casually as he could, not wanting to give JJ the feeling that she was being babysat. That wasn't what this was about anyway.
"Seriously Hotch, I don't need to be watched by everyone. I can handle being in the house on my own." JJ flippantly replied, rolling her eyes slightly. Truth be told, she wanted to be alone right now. She didn't have the energy to make anymore conversations with people. She just wanted to sleep.
"She cares about you, that's all." Hotch said back, walking behind her with her bag from the hospital, and up the steps to her apartment in an enclosed courtyard area.
JJ turned around, summoning up all her energy to smile at him, though Hotch could see it didn't quite touch her eyes. She held her hand out expectantly for her bag, letting him know she was capable to take it from here. He handed it over, but made no move to go just yet. JJ guessed he was waiting for her to get inside. She searched around for her keys inside the bag, not even remembering where she'd put them, or if she'd even touched them at all. Her hands fumbled around blindly in the depth of the bag, when a hand next to her held them out in his palm proffering her them.
She smiled, taking the keys and sighing a little. Of course he had them. She felt like a child that everyone was walking on egg shells around, not trusting her with anything. But right now, she was too exhausted to care.
"Promise me you'll take care of yourself until I next see you." He said, eyeing her with concern.
"I will." Was all she had in her to reply, her voice echoing the tiredness that lingered in her body.
Hotch turned around to leave after giving her a friendly nod, when JJ spoke suddenly, surprising herself.
"Hey Hotch?"
He spun back to meet her gaze.
"Thank you." She murmured, just loud enough for him to hear in the settling evening.
His lips twitched into a thin smile but a sadness hinted within his eyes. "You're welcome."
The comforting effect JJ thought her home would have on her didn't seem to quell her anxiety as much as she'd hoped. The effect was bittersweet. After she'd got through the door, waving Hotch goodbye until he drove off, she dropped her bag down and turned off the alarm that was warningly ringing. As the beeping suddenly stopped, the silence that fell through her apartment was oddly unsettling. The air hung still and unwavering around her. She realised she needed a distraction from her thoughts. She couldn't face just climbing into her bed, not yet. She'd be left alone too much in her mind, and right now she wasn't strong enough to embrace what was still clinging on in her memories.
JJ felt a sudden chill in the air. As she walked around the rooms to find the airing cupboard, and consequently a blanket to wrap around herself, she felt like a stranger in her own home. The place seemed too empty and quiet compared to the bustling hospital. It felt like an eternity since she'd been here, surrounded by her own possessions. She didn't feel safe like she thought she would. When she'd got to the cupboard, she reached up on her tip toes to grasp the edge of a blanket on the top shelf, immediately wincing in pain. She managed to grab the end of it, pulling it down as the curled over for a minute, trying to recover her breath, biting back tears. Once she'd got her breath back to normal, with the blanket under her arm, she wandered through to the kitchen area.
Something felt, out of place about it. She couldn't quite put her finger on it. Deciding that she needed something to rinse through her dry mouth, she pulled on the fridge door in search for bottled water. To her surprise, and momentary confusion, she saw two pints of milk in the door. She frowned, not remembering them before. She found the water and turned around with it in her hand. On the counter, there was a new packet of cookies by the kettle. She stumbled over to take a closer look: chocolate chip. She couldn't string together a logical explanation in her mind as to how these got here. Concluding that she must have forgot she bought them, it suddenly dawned on her that someone from the unit had probably let themselves in and stocked her up on basics for her return home. But who was it? She felt a warmth flood through her body in appreciation, though the thought of someone being in her house unsettled her, it was her personal space and that twinged in the back of her thoughts for a moment. Though she wasn't hungry in the slightest for cookies right now, she took the water back into the lounge and collapsed onto the beige sofa, letting the blanket out around her. She got the remote from the coffee table in front of her, and flicked on the TV, skipping through channels.
When she could find nothing that enticed her, she still kept it on, just turning the volume down slightly. She needed something in the background right now, a white noise almost to her busy mind. It helped her feel less alone. She pulled the blanket in tighter, wrapping it around her like a cocoon. After trying to close her eyes and rest for a while, she heaved herself up again, despite her pain, not being able to sit still. If she stopped, her distraction stopped too, and her imagination was taking over. She headed to her bedroom, somehow needing to see that it was still intact.
When she arrived at her bedroom, she pushed the door open gingerly, the stale but familiar scent floating into her nose, helping her feel more at home, but more foreign at the same time too. Looking around, she felt anxiety suddenly surface in her. The only thing she'd done was look toward her bedroom window. She immediately strode towards it, her heart pounding as she couldn't pull the crimson, satin curtains over it quick enough. The thought of someone being able to watch her, see into her life petrified her. She made a mental note to do the same to the other rooms, as something occurred to her. Where was her gun? Had Hotch taken it off her whilst she was in the hospital, or had he simply left it hidden somewhere in here? She panicked more as a scenario without her gun pinched at her mind. It was what was drilled into her for the last few years, her one sure survival weapon. Always on her hip, always ready to be drawn. She felt empty without it. Though most of the team always had at least one extra nearby, being a media liaison, JJ never felt the need. Her heart thudded within her chest as she felt sure someone was standing behind her. She spun around, grabbing the phone out of her pocket simultaneously. She jabbed at one of her speed dials instinctively, not even waiting for the greeting when it stopped on the second ring.
"Hotch, do you have my gun? Where's my gun?" She asked with trepidation and fear. She didn't even stop to think how ridiculous she was being right now or that she was bothering her boss so late, even after everything else she'd put him through...
A tear spilled over her cheekbone.
"JJ, calm down. It's in your bedside table, top drawer." Came a worried voice on the other end.
JJ sighed heavily and walked over quickly to the side of her bed, yanking the draw open. Her Glock gleaming back at her reassuringly, she'd never felt so relieved.
"Is everything okay?" Hotch asked.
JJ knew that he was probably already doubting her ability to be on her own. She quickly racked her brains, trying to choose a tone of voice that would not be in sync with her facial expression full of fear. She didn't ask him to come over as much as she wanted to. She couldn't even figure out why. Seeing the digital alarm clock by her bed she saw it'd only been just under an hour since he'd dropped her off. She felt so weak.
"No, no it's good. I was just wondering that's all..." She trailed off as another tear escaped.
"Sure you don't want me to come over? Maybe it was too soon-" Hotch said before being cut off by JJ.
"Honestly Hotch I-" JJ was cut off herself this time as a pounding knock sounded on her front door. She froze to the spot, rigid and still.
"JJ?" The smooth voice spoke over the phone pressed to her ear. She couldn't bring herself to reply.
"I've gotta go." She said after a short silent moment fearfully, before putting the phone in her pocket and eyeing the gun.
She felt a sudden respite as she realised who it would be, remembering now what Hotch had said as he dropped her off.
"Garcia." She breathed to herself trying to calm down as she closed the drawer shut, taking the blanket off her body and walking through the apartment to her door. She placed the throw down on the sofa before she reached it, not wanting Garcia to see her in this state. She peered through the peephole and removed the chain as she pulled on the handle with all her strength. Garcia stood before her in a bright blue dress with pink fishnet tights and emerald green glasses. Her platinum blonde hair was wound into a tight bun.
"Hey sweetie!" She greeted enthusiastically but trying not to be too over-the-top with her voice at the same time. JJ looked down to see her hands carrying a Pyrex dish covered in tin foil.
"Pen..." She muttered under her breath, worn out now from her last panic and the energy it took with it. "You didn't have to." She spoke softly gesturing down with her head to the dish, knowing what she'd done.
"Of course I didn't have to but I did because I love you, and you need some food in you! And some Garcia time too." Garcia replied holding up a hand to halt her excuses. JJ sighed in defeat and opened the door back to let her in. She tried to take the food out of her hand to put in the kitchen, knowing that she would probably not eat it, but still not wanting to seem impolite. Garcia noted her efforts.
"It's fine I've got it." She said smiling at her and leaning in for a hug with tears in her eyes. JJ tried to put an arm around her shoulder to return the affection but it suddenly felt so unnatural. The contact made her cringe, just like in the hospital again. She pulled back almost immediately, clearly uncomfortable with the situation.
"Oh I'm sorry did I hurt you?" Garcia asked concern filling her wide eyes. JJ thought for a moment. She couldn't tell her what she was really feeling. It didn't make sense, not even to her, so she decided to lie, knowing that she would have to admit she wasn't fine in the process.
"Just a little." She whispered in reply, trying to show in her eyes that she was still grateful all the same.
Garcia nodded after a moment and stepped ahead of her into the warmth of the apartment. JJ looked past her through the now empty doorway into the darkness of the night. It was still evening, but the days were becoming shorter now that it was winter. She closed the door shut hurriedly when she realised that she didn't like not being able to see that far ahead of her, and bolted the door before turning to her friend.
JJ saw that Garcia suddenly looked somewhat abashed. She frowned questioningly.
"What's wrong?" She asked her.
"I'm being so ignorant. I thought you may want some company but you literally just got back! I'm being so selfish, you're probably exhausted." Garcia replied, placing the cooked food down on the worktop of the kitchen space. JJ started to walked over to her, trying to ignore the urge to rub her weary eyes that would surely emphasise that fact.
"I really appreciate it, and you." JJ said trying to avoid a proper answer, feeling her own eyes well up again. She'd virtually not stopped crying recently. It was so draining.
"JJ you look shattered. Here, I'm going to put this in the fridge. It's all cooked by yours truly. It just needs heating up again." Garcia said caringly, whirling around and placing it in the empty fridge behind her, playing with the foil on top before turning around to face JJ again. JJ subconsciously grasped her stomach out of habit, before seeing Garcia look at where her hand was and back into her eyes. She removed the hand from her torso and entwined her fingers together with her other hand to keep them occupied. Garcia walked back over to JJ who had only moved a few feet from the front door.
"You need to rest my sweet." She said looking her up and down before grabbing the blanket off the sofa and wrapping it back around her. JJ didn't even realise her eyelids starting to close until Garcia touched her shoulder. "C'mon." She said leading the way to JJ's room, the latter stumbling behind allowing herself to succumb to the need for sleep, and not be sociable to one of her best friends. Garcia pulled back the duvet of her bed and helped JJ lower herself down until her head touched the pillow. Pulling the covers back up, though she still had the extra one wrapped around her, Garcia smoothed her hair off her face.
"One moment." She said quietly and returned less than a minute later as she grabbed the bottle of water off the coffee table in the other room and some prescribed painkillers near them, placing them beside her bed next to her clock.
"I'm sorry." JJ mumbled apologetically to her, feeling bad for cutting her off like this, but a sudden profound sleepiness enveloping her body at the same time.
"Oh my god JJ, it is one hundred percent fine don't you worry! I wasn't thinking straight. I'm glad I got you some food though; everything else in the fridge had to be thrown out as it expired. Just promise me you'll try and eat even a little?" She rambled lovingly.
"Yeah." JJ sighed, the duvet around her body feeling heavier with the drop of her eyes and the beating of her heart. Garcia turned to the door after dropping a feather light kiss on her forehead before proceeding to wipe off the bright lipstick mark it left presumably, when JJ spoke again, her voice hoarse.
"Penelope?" She asked.
"Yes sugar?" She replied inquisitively.
"Who was here earlier? The milk, and cookies..." She uttered, not even bothering to form full sentences, knowing she'd get the jist.
"Oh, don't worry about it, it was just Em." She said sweetly. "Everyone just wants to help, you know? She brought some teabags and stuff too."
"Tell her thank you." JJ said, feeling more awake at the thought of her friends worrying so much about her and feeling guilty.
"Will do. Now rest!" Garcia said laughing slightly at the typicality of her friend, and blowing another kiss to her.
JJ guessed that Garcia had let herself out. Even knowing that the door wouldn't have the chain on, she still managed to close her eyes long enough for it to be considered sleep. Her head was sinking deep into the bed, not even acknowledging how tired she was even though she had slept pretty much solidly for the last week, with the exception of the occasional jello pot or blood transfusion procedures. The team visited her that one time all together. And then a few times separately, no one wanting to intrude too much, but wanting to see her badly all the same. After a while of her brain whirring, she drifted into a light stupor.
"Run JJ!"
Her legs felt like lead, she dragged her limbs as fast as she could, running faster and deeper into the darkness.
But the eyes caught up with her.
She didn't want to look at them again, she couldn't. She knew what those eyes meant, what they'd done.
"I'm the one who killed your sister."
"I'm the one who killed your sister."
"I'm the one who killed your sister."
The vile voice echoed off the inside of her head. She couldn't shake off the feeling it left on her skin as it settled on the tiny raised hairs that had come out as goosebumps. It tainted her ears as it drifted in and settled in her mind, the meaning behind the words being absorbed into her.
"My sister committed suicide."
"My sister..."
JJ sat bolt upright in bed, her pulse racing once more as she woke herself up saying the same two words over and over.
Those very two words that may as well have been a bow and arrow, aimed straight for her heart.
She smeared her hands over her face and felt the glisten of the tears as they left their mark. Swinging her legs over the side of the bed she caught the bold red colours of the numbers on the clock.
4.22am.
She tried to control her breathing, knowing that the pain was not helped in her stomach or head if she started to hyperventilate. She untangled the blankets from around her body, feeling restricted and needing space to move. As she freed herself, she stumbled over to the adjoining bathroom which was to a door on her right. Pulling on the chord that released the harsh light down onto her face, she caught a glimpse of herself in the mirror, groaning and remembering the first time she'd seen her face since that night.
** "I want to see my face." she said sternly to the doctor looking down at her, holding a mirror in her hands away from JJ's reach.
"It's only been a couple of days since the attack Jennifer, it will take time to heal, nothing major." The doctor replied frowning back at her.
JJ held her palm up, showing the doctor that she was ready, as she placed it in her hands finally. Lifting it up to her face, she gasped as she saw someone staring back at her. Then realising it was her in the reflection that seemed so alien. Her right eye was swollen with a deep purple bruise blossoming beneath it. Her cheekbone below that was grazed a vivid red where blood had been drawn, and the cut had sealed itself. She turned her face slightly, seeing another bruise around her neck and the side of her face, where she'd been told she'd fallen and collided with concrete.
"It will all heal." The doctor spoke quietly.
But it was all cold comfort to JJ.
JJ didn't realise how distended her face was, could barely even remember how she'd gotten all these marks in the first place. She winced as she realised everyone would have seen her like this, and worse when they'd found her. Hotch sitting with her not long ago would have seen her in such a state. She saw Hotch's blemished face and split lip, thought that was bad. What had even happened to her to get these? She felt a sob escape her throat, and put the mirror down.**
As JJ recalled what her face looked like around a week ago, there was significant improvement even in the slightest sense. The deep purple bruise under her eye was now a yellow colour with a green tinge to it, something she knew Spencer would say was in the healing process. This gave her a small amount of reassurance. Her eye had come down in the severity of swollenness, but her eyelid was still slightly puffy and red. The mark on her jaw was the same colour as the one under her eye also. She had only seen herself in the mirror on these two occasions since everything. She felt like these were his signature, left on her for the world to see.
Deciding she would get no more sleep, she carefully changed out of the clothes she was still wearing from yesterday and into some grey slacks. As she went to pull the red sweater from over her head to replace it with a light blue t shirt, she instinctively looked down to her body and inhaled sharply in horror. She hadn't seen it yet; she was almost stupid enough to forget for a few hours that she'd even have it, despite the nurses telling her not to worry herself about it by looking several times. They'd always dressed her, and most of the time she'd been too spaced out to even take notice of what they were doing. She dropped the shirt from out of her hands and ripped the sweater off from her arms so she could get full view of it.
Searing right around her stomach towards the left side was a deep red scar, about the length of a pencil. She touched it reflexively; her blonde hair hanging down over her face as she bent her head to look. A tear splashed onto it. This monster had left her with this for life. And she suddenly couldn't hate something more by just looking at it. She didn't even try to stifle her crying as she was so used to recently, instead letting it all out in the privacy of her own home. No matter how hard she tried to cover this up, it was always going to be a part of her, embedded into her skin.