12 - Decisions Made
BPOV
Edward Cullen was one frustrating man. As I drove home I was reeling. It's not like I expected him to become super-daddy overnight. After everything that had happened over the last few weeks, I didn't think that he would suddenly change directions and be this completely awesome guy who was thrilled about having a beautiful child to call his very own. But Jesus Christ, was it so difficult to interact with your kid for a couple of hours?
Apparently when you don't know a thing about him . . . yes. I was trying to be understanding and patient, but watching him was just downright painful.
His body language betrayed the warring emotions every time Charlie touched him. He didn't know what he was supposed to feel. I got it, I really did. Okay, maybe I didn't. The whole fucking situation was exasperating. I didn't know whether to discourage their interaction or support it. So I tried to stay neutral.
That's why I couldn't accept Esme's offer of the apartment; not right away. I really did want to move in there though. Especially after she'd taken me on a tour.
The main entrance was on the opposite side of the garage so that it was completely private. When I first walked in the front door, there was a little foyer that had hooks on the wall for coats and a wooden bench with cubbies below it for boot and shoe storage. The other side had a buffet type table with a lamp, a mail sorter and a place to hang your keys. Through an arched doorway and to the left was a decent sized living room with a leather sofa and loveseat with a wooden coffee table and a flat screen television. To the left of the living room were a laundry room and a powder room. To the right of the living room was a small formal dining room that opened up to a mini-gourmet kitchen complete with maple cabinets and granite countertops. At the back of the living room was a hallway that led to three bedrooms. The first was a smaller room, even though it was bigger than our room at my dad's house. Esme thought it would be perfect for Charlie and offered to help decorate it in any theme that he wanted. The second bedroom was a guest bedroom and the third was an amazing master bedroom with a private luxury bathroom. It had a jetted tub and a gorgeous view of the woods and river behind the house. There was a queen sized four poster bed that I probably could have lived in, and a separate lounging area with a loveseat, a television, a desk and bookcases full of books.
The whole place was fantastic and they probably could have rented it out for two grand a month, but they were offering it to me for free.
"Esme, I'm sorry, but there's no way that I can afford this," I said quietly.
She scoffed. "I'm not expecting you to pay rent, sweetheart."
"Then there's absolutely no way that I can accept it," I laughed, very little trace of humor in my voice.
"Please, Bella," she begged. "If you don't take it, it will continue to sit empty. There's no way that I'd ever allow strangers to live here. You and Charlie are family. We'd love to have you close to us."
I knew that to be true. In all the time I had known them, they had never rented it out. It was used for guests and family. Not even the kids were allowed in there. Carlisle kept a tight hold on the key and no matter how much they searched, none of the Cullen kids could figure out his hiding spot.
During dinner I couldn't get the offer out of my head. I was watching Edward, careful to make sure that he didn't catch me. It was the first time he had really laid eyes on Charlie and I was curious as to what he thought. I couldn't imagine that it didn't have some sort of affect.
I almost lost it when he called Charlie 'little'. The look on my boy's face was priceless. That was a new thing for him, to get angry when anyone called him 'little'. Almost everyone in the Cullen family had already learned this, but since Edward had never been around Charlie, he didn't know any better.
And then he dropped the F-bomb and I had to choke back my laughter. Not because he did it, but because he looked like he's just swallowed a bug; a big one.
I knew that Esme was trying to be proper about not swearing in front of a child, but really, Charlie wasn't fazed. He had certainly been around enough profanity between Riley, Jake, Dad and myself, that he knew all of the major words. In the beginning he used them indiscriminately, because he didn't know better, but as he got a little older I was constantly reminding him that those were grown-up words and he wasn't to use them. He didn't even notice anymore.
I knew that Charlie would approach Edward at some point. Edward was a new person and my son was a curious boy. I could see Edward's fascination as he watched Charlie play the piano. It was the same fascination that we all had. Something flashed in his eyes at that moment and, for a moment, I let myself wonder if this would actually work. But seeing the fear and hesitancy in his eyes when Charlie hugged him, I pushed it back.
I knew that he wasn't afraid of Charlie, but he was afraid to let him in, to feel anything for him. I had to keep my emotions in check; return to neutral. I would not influence Edward's decision.
Esme was hopeful that her son could come around. I wasn't so sure.
As we made our way back to the kitchen to say goodnight, I tried to refocus. Unfortunately, I wasn't paying attention and when Edward stopped abruptly in front of me, I slammed into his back and lost my footing. It happened really quickly and suddenly there was a warm arm around my waist, holding me tightly. His large hand was on my hip and he pulled me into him. My instant reaction was what freaked me out. Warmth shot through my body, heating up places that it shouldn't have heated up. It turned me on and that wasn't supposed to happen. He wasn't allowed to affect me like that. Not anymore.
He didn't let go immediately and I had to remove myself before I did, or said, something inappropriate. I didn't understand the reaction. I hated Edward. Well, maybe not hated, but strongly disliked. He had called me every name in the book, accused me of being a horrible person. He was an asshole. But part of me remembered how attracted to him I had always been. The attraction that had led me to allow him to take me the night we…... well, the night he fucked me. I didn't know what else to call it. That's what happened.
When Edward asked me what Charlie's name was I thought he was joking. I mean, he had to have known. I was sure that someone had told him, but then I realized that I never had. And then it became clear. He was trying to figure out if I had given Charlie the Cullen name.
Seriously? Why on God's green earth, if I had never planned on telling anyone, would I have named my child Cullen?
It was just my luck that Charlie would have to look so much like Edward that I was never able to deny it. Karma really was a motherfucking bitch. If Charlie had looked like me instead, I probably never would have told Alice that I had gotten pregnant by her brother and no one would have been any wiser. As long as no one did the math, they would believe that I got pregnant at college.
Fucked up, yes, but the truth nonetheless. The whole situation was a huge fucking nightmare. I loved that the Cullen's had embraced Charlie, and had been so kind to me even though I had stolen so much time from him, but Edward's reaction hurt.
As he stood in front of me, asking questions, I thought that I would take a chance and try to support any interest that he was showing. But then he completely froze when I offered him the pictures. I was so fucking confused.
XXXXXXXX
Charlie was asleep by the time we pulled into my dad's driveway. As I carried him up to our room he was mumbling something about Batman and a dinosaur.
So much for a bath.
I stripped him out of his pants and underpants and slid on a pair of pajama bottoms. I could have tried to wrestle with his shirt, but decided against it. He was out like a light and I wanted to keep him that way. It was only nine and I wasn't quite ready to go to bed so I figured getting some work done was probably my best option. I was supposed to be writing the literature review for our study and that shit was hard. Luckily, Luke had given me several copies of his other studies so that I could see how it was done.
Work had been amazing. Luke was brilliant. He was friendly and funny and kind. He was also extremely hot. I only saw him a few hours every week, but I was pretty sure that my tongue was permanently hanging out of my mouth every time I came within five feet of him. He kind of made my pink parts tingle.
I was also fairly certain that there was something going on between him and his other assistant. Cammy was a Psychology grad student at UW, but she worked and took classes out of their satellite office in Port Angeles and also worked part-time as a bartender. When I first met her, it was very clear that she was staking her claim to the boss man. Every time I turned around, she had her hand on his body somewhere; his arm, his shoulder, his neck. And I didn't even want to know where her hands were whenever we sat down at a table.
Luke didn't outwardly react to her in either a positive or negative way. He never shied away from her touch, but he never encouraged or initiated it either. I didn't think I had a chance with Luke anyways, not that I was looking for one. Between Riley and Edward I had too many men to deal with in the first place, but a little flirting never did any harm, right?
After our first few meetings, Cammy stopped being so she-aggressive. She was never overly friendly and she didn't stop touching Luke, but she was no longer growling at me whenever I talked to him. I think it helped that Riley happened to call me once during one of our meetings. There was no denying the blush that crept across my face when he started trying to talk dirty. And I emphasize the "try" part of that. Riley was not very adept in the art of seduction and it was a little embarrassing.
In any case, Cammy knew that I had a kid and I think she assumed that we were one little happy family. I did not know the woman and I wasn't about to correct her. She was kind of scary.
I had three more weeks to complete my first draft of the literature review and I was looking forward to the actual research part of the study. I sat in front of my laptop in the kitchen, papers scattered around me, and began typing. When I looked up again, it was after midnight.
"Crap," I groaned.
The next day was Thursday, park day, and there was no chance that Charlie would be letting me sleep in. I dragged my ass back to my room, slipped into a pair of flannel pants and a t-shirt and climbed into bed, almost instantly falling into a deep sleep.
XXXXXX
I woke with a start, nearly falling out of bed. I was sweating and breathing heavy. I had dreamed that there were no apartments for rent in the area and I had to move to Seattle. I found one apartment for rent in the city and it was a rat and cockroach infested shit-hole in a really bad part of town. Every time we went outside, someone offered to buy Charlie from me. It freaked me the fuck out.
I knew that it was just a dream and that there were probably at least a few apartments that I would eventually be able to afford in both Forks and Port Angeles, but nevertheless, that dream was one more check on the 'maybe I should at least consider taking Esme's offer' list.
When we got to the park, Esme and Carlisle were both there waiting already. They had decided to take the morning off so that they could come to the park with us. Carlisle approached me and handed me a large latte.
"Oh my God, thank you," I sighed.
"No problem," he grinned. "You okay?"
I nodded. "Yeah, I'm fine. I was up late working last night and then didn't sleep well. Charlie was flipping out this morning about some truck that he absolutely couldn't go to the park without and I didn't have time to get any coffee at home so you're pretty much saving my life."
"That's what I do," Carlisle teased as he pointed towards his chest. "See, doctor."
I snorted and took a long drag from the paper cup. "You're a funny man, Carlisle."
I continued to sip on my coffee while watching Esme run around after Charlie. It was hysterical. Charlie was running circles around her.
"No wonder you're still so thin," she gasped as she returned to us. "I've been running after that child for half an hour and I'm exhausted."
She flopped herself down on the bench and put her hand on Carlisle's knee. "Your turn, darling," she grinned at him.
Carlisle handed his coffee to his wife, stood up, and ran at full speed towards Charlie who was squealing in delight from the other side of the play structure.
"I never realized grandchildren could be so fun," Esme murmured. She took a sip of Carlisle's now cold coffee and made a face. "Eww, that's disgusting." She laughed and threw it into the trashcan that was conveniently placed next to our bench. "So did you and Edward have a nice talk last night?" she asked curiously.
"Um, well, he asked me a few of the basics. I mean, we didn't really talk," I stumbled over my words a little. I knew that Esme was hoping that Edward and I would work things out and get along. If he decided to stick around, then I suppose I hoped the same thing. It would make things much easier in the long run, but I wasn't willing to get my hopes up. Edward's emotions were too unpredictable and I never knew when he would decide to get angry with me again.
"Well, I guess that's a start right?" She smiled at me.
I nodded appeasingly and continued watching Carlisle and Charlie. Carlisle was now pretending to be a dragon under the play structure's bridge and Charlie had to run across as fast as he could without waking the dragon up. His shrieks alerted everyone within a five-mile radius when he was unsuccessful.
Esme and I were chatting about absolutely nothing in particular when I saw her look past me. Her lips twitched a little into a small smile and I turned to see what she was looking at. I never expected to see what I saw.
Edward stood at the edge of the park leaning against a tree and sipping a coffee. His eyes were trained at his father and Charlie.
"How did he...?"
"I told him this morning," Esme said looking almost guilty. "He asked where we were going and I explained about Thursday mornings. I honestly didn't think he'd show up though."
My mouth gaped a little at her before I turned back around so that I could see him without actually looking at him. He would randomly break out into a smile or laugh when Carlisle did something completely ridiculous for Charlie's entertainment, like hanging upside down from his knees. Can I just say, that a forty-three year old man has absolutely no business hanging upside down from monkey bars. It did make Charlie laugh so hard he fell backwards though. A few minutes later, Carlisle limped back to us with a grimace.
"How's it hanging, Gramps?" I teased.
Carlisle grabbed at his back and straightened himself up a little. "I'm getting too old for this," he groaned.
"I'm not sure that hanging upside down from those bars is a good idea once you weigh more than sixty pounds, dear," Esme scolded playfully.
"You couldn't have suggested that before I did it?" Carlisle sat down, resting his arm around Esme's back and kissing her temple.
"Now where would the fun be in that?" she laughed. "Besides, your grandson loved it."
Carlisle chuckled.
I was watching Charlie, who had decided to fill his coveted truck up with wood chips, but out of the corner of my eye I saw Carlisle nod towards Edward in silent question. Esme shook her head and shrugged.
"Hey, would you be willing to keep an eye on Charlie for me?"
"Sure, sweetheart," Esme smiled softly.
"I'll be right back okay, baby."
"Kay mama."
I stood up and walked towards where Edward was standing. He shifted his weight and looked at me nervously as I approached him.
"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to...uh..."
"It's fine, Edward." I sighed. "Do you want to come over or would you prefer to hover by the tree?"
I had a slightly teasing tone to my voice so that he knew that I wasn't upset.
Edward didn't answer right away. He looked towards his parents and then at Charlie.
"Um, can we talk for a minute?" he asked hesitantly.
I swallowed dryly wondering if this would be the moment that he told me he was out; that he wanted nothing to do with Charlie and he would sign the papers.
Was that truly what I wanted?
"Yeah, of course."
Edward shifted again. I tried to look him in the eyes to gauge what he was thinking, but it was pointless, he wouldn't look at me.
"Edward?"
"Oh, uh, I, I just...," he huffed air out through his nose in a frustrated gesture. "Shit!"
"Just...tell me," I said as I braced myself for what was coming.
"I don't know what you want from me, Bella," he sighed.
"I don't want anything from you," I snapped.
Are we really going to do this again?
"That's not what I mean," he groaned. "I mean, say that I want to do this, this father thing. What, um, what does that entail?"
I stared at him with a look of utter disbelief and then cleared my throat.
"I guess I don't really understand what you're asking me. Are you asking me, uh, what exactly are you asking me?"
"I don't know how to do this," he said nervously, his eyes darting around all over the place. "I don't know what you expect from me. Will this be like a whole, I get him on weekends thing or... well I don't know what else there is, but I just need to know."
I narrowed my eyes at him in confusion, my mouth slightly ajar.
"Jesus, Bella," he huffed, pinching the bridge of his nose with his non-coffeed hand. I watched him bounce slightly and grit his teeth.
Is this really that fucking hard for him?
I took a deep breath. "I don't know how to answer that. I just don't want him to get hurt. If you're going to be his father, be his father. Talk to him, play with him and love him. There's no manual for kids, Edward. There's no guidebook that says 'This is how to be a parent'. I expect you to be consistent. You can't promise him you'll show up one day and just fuck off instead. There is no 'something else came up' with kids. If he's going to be in your life, then he needs to be your top priority."
"That's a lot of fucking responsibility," he whispered almost to himself.
"No shit?"
He glared at me. "I'm trying, Bella, okay? You've had years to figure this shit out so stop with the fucking sarcasm already. I didn't have nine months to get ready for this and I wasn't given the opportunity to ease into the idea of having a kid. I've had four fucking weeks. And in that time, I've been told that I have a three-year-old, assaulted both physically and verbally by my family because I didn't react the way they wanted me to, and told that I have fourteen days to make a decision that will affect the rest of my life. Could you at least cut me some fucking slack?"
I gritted my teeth and bit back the acidic remark that was dancing on the tip of my tongue. Mostly because ripping Edward a new asshole with my son standing fifty feet away, might be considered child abuse. Plus, he was right. I wasn't being fair. I was the reason he was inexperienced. I was the reason he was completely clueless.
I let the silence between us sit for a minute until we both had calmed down.
"I'm sorry," Edward said shaking his head. "This is just..."
"It's okay. You're right. You're here, and that's a big step, especially for you, but 'trying' is more than just standing by a tree watching him play. Go talk to him. He's a good kid. If your dad can hang upside down for him, the least you could do is help him fill up his truck."
Edward barked out a laugh and I couldn't help but smile, glad that the tension seemed to be dissipating. I looked back at Carlisle and Esme and saw their heads whip around to pretend like they weren't watching us.
"Are we ever going to be able to have a conversation without an audience?" I groaned.
"Doubt it," he snorted.
I turned back around and looked back over my shoulder at him. "Are you coming?"
He looked over at Charlie again. "Yeah."
As we got closer to the bench where Esme and Carlisle were sitting, they both looked up at us.
"Hi, sweetheart," Esme cooed.
"Hey, Ma."
"Hi, Eward," Charlie chirped from his spot in the mulch.
"Hey, Charlie," Edward responded looking at me with wide eyes. I knew what he was asking. "What the hell do I do?"
"Do you want to show Edward how much wood your truck can carry?" I asked my son enthusiastically.
He nodded almost violently with an excited little grin plastered from ear to ear.
Edward didn't move.
"Go. Sit. With. Him." I mouthed.
Esme nodded at him in encouragement and he took a deep breath before heading over to Charlie and bending down next to him.
"So, what are we doing?" he asked.
"Putting the sticks in the truck," Charlie answered with a hint of 'well duh' to his tone.
I snickered under my breath and Edward frowned at me.
"He really is a lot like you," he grumbled.
I burst out laughing. "I'll take that as a compliment."
I saw him try to hide his smile as he returned his attention to Charlie.
Twenty minutes later we were kissing our goodbyes and making our way home for lunch. Not Edward and me, of course, but the rest of us.
Edward had done well in comparison to what I had expected. He said very little as he helped Charlie dump out and refill his truck with mulch at least a dozen times, but he did listen. Charlie talked... a lot. Edward 'hmm'd', 'huh'd', and 'oh really'd' in all the right places. His facial expressions were what fascinated me the most. They spoke of so many emotions, several of which I wasn't sure I recognized.
When we were leaving, he taught Charlie how to fist bump. I briefly wondered if he did that so that he wouldn't have to hug him, but no sooner had the thought passed through my head, that Charlie, once again, wrapped himself around Edward's leg. Edward stiffened slightly and then relaxed as he rested his hand on Charlie's back and returned the squeeze.
Unfortunately, I still didn't trust him. Until the moment he told me that he was all in, until he showed me that this was what he wanted, I wouldn't let myself hope, because with hope, came heartbreak.
XXXXXXX
Jake was waiting for us as we pulled up at the house. I had barely pressed the button on Charlie's five point when the little sucker was ripping off his shoulder straps and bounding towards Jake.
"Hello, my man," Jake said, scooping him up and giving him a gigantic bear hug.
"Hi, Uncle Jake," Charlie squeaked. "Did you know what I did today?"
"What did you do?" Jake asked.
"I went to park with Gramma and Papa and I went all the way across the monkey bars all by myself!" he beamed.
"You did?" Jake asked animatedly. "Wow, you must be one super strong dude."
"Uh, huh, you wanna see my musckoes?" Charlie asked, as he bent his elbow in an attempt to flex his bicep.
Jake played along. "Oh my gosh, you are so strong. You wanna arm wrestle later?"
Charlie nodded his head enthusiastically.
"And Papa went upside down and Eward helped me fill my truck."
Jake's eyebrows shot up so fast that they practically disappeared from his face.
"I'll tell you later," I placated.
Jake kissed me on the cheek as I approached them and followed me into the house.
He set Charlie down in the foyer and watched him disappear into the living room. We heard the television come on and the telltale sounds of Spongebob Squarepants come on.
"Seriously, that show is always on," I grumbled as I pulled out some bread and peanut butter out of the cabinet. Jake grabbed a coke out of the fridge before sitting down at the table.
"I'm really not sure how I feel about a talking yellow sponge that wears pants and lives in a pineapple," I said, shaking my head. "That can't be educational, can it?"
Jake started chuckling. "I don't know, Bells, I'm just the uncle. It's my job to let him watch pointless un-educational shit on TV and eat junk food."
I turned around and stared at him before tossing a Duplo block at his head.
"Ow. Shit, Bella," he groaned as he rubbed his head just above his ear.
"That didn't hurt, you big baby. You want a PB & J?"
"Sure."
I pulled out the extra bread and started to make our lunch while Jake sipped lazily on his Coke.
"So how are things going with your baby daddy?"
"Ugh, don't ask."
"What's the matter? Is he still refusing to believe it?"
"No, he gets it. It's just that last night was the first time he even actually looked at him."
"He found out three weeks ago and he didn't even try to see him? What a fucking douche."
I laughed. "He couldn't avoid it last night. We were over there for dinner. He even talked to him," I said in a high falsely excited voice.
"Oh, I'm sorry, I guess I misjudged him." Jake rolled his eyes.
"He asked me some questions as we were getting ready to leave and I thought I'd offer a few pictures of Charlie when he was a baby. It freaked him out. He was at the park today too."
"Yeah, I heard that. What'd he say?"
I smirked a little. "Well, at first he was skulking by a tree."
"Eww, like a pervert?"
I nodded. "If I hadn't known who he was, I would have been a little creeped out by the fact that he was watching my kid."
"And?"
"He's scared, Jake. He doesn't know if this is what he wants. He played with Charlie for a few minutes today, but I honestly don't know what his decision will be."
"It doesn't really matter what he wants does it? I mean, Charlie's his kid whether he likes it or not, right? He's not going to be able to forget that."
"He may try."
"I'm sorry, Bells."
"What are you sorry for? It's not your fault."
"I know, but your situation sucks and I can't really do anything to help."
"Yeah, well, I made my own bed, it's time to sleep in it. Next time I get knocked up I need to make sure the father's a little bit less of an asshole," I teased.
"Oh my God, Bella, don't even joke about that shit."
I finished up the sandwiches and pulled out a bowl of grapes from the fridge.
"Come on, Jake. I need to be able to joke about it so that I don't break down. Besides, at my six-week check-up after Charlie was born, I had them put in an IUD. My baby maker is currently out of commission."
"Good to know," he said, grimacing.
I laughed and handed him his plate.
"Charlie, come on in here and eat lunch," I called loudly.
"Does Charlie know?" Jake asked, taking a huge bite of his sandwich.
"No. I don't think it's a good idea right now. I told Edward that if he decided not to take responsibility, I'd like him to terminate his parental rights."
Jake choked and started coughing loudly. "You did what?" he practically screeched.
"He'd sign full custody over to me. I don't want to have to worry about him coming in and out of Charlie's life. I'd rather Charlie just not know."
"How did he respond to that?"
"Not well."
"I can imagine."
At that moment Charlie wandered into the kitchen and sat down at the table, ending all talk of Edward.
Jake stayed for another two hours before heading to work. Charlie took a short nap and I got a couple of hours of work done.
XXXX
Later that night, my dad was sitting next to Charlie in the living room explaining the finer points of the Mariners game that was on while I was cleaning up after dinner. I heard my phone buzz on the countertop and picked it up.
"Hey, baby," Riley cooed from the other end.
"Hi."
"Whatcha doin'?"
I snorted. "Dishes."
Riley laughed. "Exciting."
"What are you doing?"
"Just checkin' in on you. I haven't heard from you in a few days. I was getting a little worried."
"Sorry, things have been a little crazy."
"Ah, did he get the results?" Riley asked curiously.
"Yes."
"And?"
"And what? He got proof that I wasn't the lying bitch he accused me of being."
"I should rip that fucker a new one. Who the hell does he think he is?"
I rolled my eyes and shook my head, thankful that Riley couldn't see me. "It doesn't matter, Ri."
"It does matter. Did you rub that shit in his face?"
"Yeah, cause we don't have enough animosity and anger to work through already," I said sarcastically.
Riley didn't respond right away, but instead let the line go quiet for a minute.
"So, um, he's going to stick around?" There was something in Riley's voice that made me a little uneasy.
"I don't know," I sighed. "We went over there for dinner last night and he showed up at the park this morning. He appears to be trying, but I don't think he knows what he wants right now."
"I just don't get it," he growled. "I mean, I get that the dude is pissed off that you didn't tell him, but Jesus Christ Bella. It's Charlie for God's sakes. It's not like he's a hard kid to love."
"I don't think that's the issue," I said.
"Then what's the fucking issue?"
"I think it's me." I lowered my voice so that Dad and Charlie couldn't accidentally hear me. "He never meant for that night to happen, Riley. The only reason he ended up with me in the first place was because he was drunk and horny and his girlfriend probably pissed him off. I was there and I was someone he hadn't already fucked. He never really wanted me like that and I don't think he wants to look at Charlie and be reminded of who his mother is."
It hurt saying that out loud. It had been in my mind forever, but actually admitting it made it so much more painful.
"That's such bullshit Bella," Riley snapped. "There is no possible way that he didn't look at you and know exactly what he was doing and what he wanted. You never did see yourself clearly. I have no idea why he didn't snatch you up long before then, but drunk or not, I can guarantee that he took you because he wanted you."
I sat there, with my cell clutched to my ear and my jaw dragging on the floor. Edward had never even looked at me other than to make fun of me. He bragged about the girls and what they wanted from him and what he could do to them. Why would he do that to me if he wanted me? He had to have known how disgusted I was by it all. No, he never wanted me. He said it himself, it was a mistake. I was a mistake.
"Whatever, Ri. It doesn't change anything."
"Hey," he soothed. "I didn't mean anything by it. All I'm saying is that you and Charlie both deserve better than to be made an obligation."
I felt the tears pushing at the back of my eyeballs. I needed to stop this conversation.
"I miss you," I whispered.
"Yeah, I miss you too," Riley responded. I could hear the smile in his voice. "So when am I gonna see you?"
Hmm, that's a good question.
"I don't know, Ri. I'm not sure I can get up to Seattle for a couple of weeks."
"Why don't I come down there?"
"I, uh, I'm not so sure that's a good idea right now."
"Why not?" He asked, sounding a little hurt.
"I, um, I...things are just complicated right now."
The line was silent for what seemed like forever, but I could hear Riley breathing so I knew he hadn't hung up.
"Um, so you think that I'll just make it worse?"
I sighed deeply. "It's not that, Ri. I just need to sort a few things out."
"Do they know about me?"
There was an edge to his voice that told me he was upset and getting frustrated.
"Of course they do," I reassured.
"All of them?"
Oh, I see.
"Are you asking me if Edward knows about you?"
"No, I'm asking you if Edwards knows about us."
"Are you serious?" I laughed humorlessly. "Edward and I can barely have a conversation without screaming at each other. You have no reason to be jealous."
"I'm not jealous," he growled.
"Yes, you are," I whisper yelled.
"You never answered my question."
"Yes, Riley he..." But I had to stop. Because the truth was, I had never told Edward about my situation with Riley and I didn't know if anyone else had either. "Shit."
I heard Riley sigh. "He doesn't, does he?"
"Crap, I don't know. It's not like we've actually had a conversation that didn't center around Charlie or how he came about."
"Fuck, Bella, you don't think that I deserve at least an honorable mention?"
"I didn't do it on purpose."
"Bella, you okay in there?" my dad called out. Apparently my voice had steadily been rising and was now disturbing the rest of my family.
"Yeah, Dad. Sorry, I'm on the phone."
"Look, Riley, it never came up. I'm sorry."
"I want to come over."
"Arg," I groaned.
"It doesn't have to be tonight, or tomorrow, but Jesus Bella it needs to be soon."
I swallowed my irritation. I knew what he wanted. He wanted to present himself to the Cullen's as my boyfriend. He wanted to stake his claim on me.
But the problem with that was that I wasn't his to claim. I loved Riley, but I would never be in love with him. I couldn't give him that part of me. I didn't even know if that part of me existed. There was one person and one person only that held my heart. My son.
"Please just give me a little bit of time. Edward needs to make his decision and I don't want anything, other than Charlie, to influence that."
Riley huffed. "How long does he have?"
"Eleven days."
"Fine. Eleven days."
That was pretty much the end of our conversation. We were both annoyed and we knew that if we didn't end it there, we would end up fighting. I was so tired of fighting. I hung up, poured myself a glass of wine and joined Dad and Charlie for a few more innings.
XXXXX
The next morning my phone chimed with a text message as I was helping Charlie get dressed. When I was finished, I sent him on his way down the stairs and picked up my phone.
Edward.
I flipped open my phone and read the message.
Hey. Do you think it would be possible to do something this weekend? With Charlie? ~Edward~
I stared at the text trying to figure out if I was reading it wrong before sending one back.
You want to do something with Charlie? ~Bella~
Yeah. ~Edward~
Really?
By yourself? ~Bella~
That was so not happening. There was no way I could trust Edward to take Charlie anywhere by himself. Shit, I didn't even trust him to be alone with Charlie at their house.
No. ~Edward~
Thank God.
Maybe you can be there? To help me? ~Edward~
I had to laugh. Even his text message sounded nervous.
Plus, I'm tired of my family constantly watching me. Us. ~Edward~
I knew how he felt. I was done having this conversation through text though. I dialed his number.
"Hello?"
"What are you thinking?"
"I'm sorry, I just thought maybe it would be good?"
He thinks I'm saying no.
"No, sorry, I meant what do you want to do?"
"Oh. Uh, good. I don't know. What, uh, what do you think?"
"You free today?"
"Yeah."
"I'll pick you up at ten."
I didn't give him the chance to say anything else.
XXXXX
Edward stared up at the sign in confusion. "I don't get it."
I smiled widely. "What don't you get?"
"What is this place?"
"This is one of Charlie's favorite places."
"Yeah, but what is it?"
I giggled and opened the door.
"Shit!" he gasped.
Charlie bounced around us like he had springs in his feet. As I signed him in and pulled out my punch card, Charlie ditched his shoes and took off running.
Edward gaped. "Wow."
"I know, right? Come on." I grabbed Edward's bicep unconsciously and we both kind of froze. I bit my lip and swallowed. "Sorry."
"S'okay," he mumbled.
He motioned for me to go in front of him and I led him to the seating area. I sat down in one of the overstuffed leather chairs and Edward sat next to me on the sofa. He scratched his arm where I had touched him nervously and his sleeve was pushed up so that I could see the bottom of his tattoo peeking out. It looked like some sort of Celtic design, but I had no idea what is was. The muscles of his arm were perfect; strong and rounded. They had been nice in high school, but he had obviously been working out since then.
I continued to stare hard at his arm, as though I would magically be able to see through his shirt if I tried hard enough. The thought made me flush and I had to blow out a bit of air to refocus myself. His voice startled me out of my reverie.
"This is something else," he said, his eyes darting around the giant warehouse.
"Charlie has a lot of energy; this is my saving grace sometimes."
We watched as Charlie launched himself into one of the more basic bouncies. There were a few kids that had joined him and before we knew it, the little joyful giggling that accompanies happy children was completely surrounding us as they raced from inflatable to colorful inflatable.
"It's so easy for them to make friends at that age," I said almost longingly. "None of the bullshit of looking for what they gain from the friendship. Just plain old enjoyment."
Edward looked over at me, scanning my face as though he was looking for something.
"What?"
He furrowed his brow and looked away. "Nothing."
We continued to watch in silence, but Edward was almost vibrating. I could tell he wanted to say something, but I wasn't going to coax it out of him. He was a big boy and if he had something to say, he'd just have to spit it out when he was ready.
He sighed loudly, followed shortly by a huff and then he cleared his throat. I pretended to rub my cheek so that I could hide my smile. I was getting some sick form of entertainment out of watching him squirm. Finally he figured out I wasn't going to give in.
"Has he always had this much energy?"
I nodded. "Yeah, from the day he was born he was constantly wiggling and moving. He slept pretty well, but when he was awake, he was really awake."
"Is he normal?"
I whipped my head around and narrowed my eyes. "What do you mean 'is he normal?' Of course he's normal."
What the fuck kind of question is that?
Edward grimaced. "That's not what I meant. Uh, he just seems so good. Normally when I see kids they're screaming and whining or crying."
"Ha," I scoffed a little. "Don't let him fool you, Edward. He can throw a temper tantrum with the best of them when he really wants to. When we were in Seattle he went through a biting phase, a hitting phase, a pinching phase and a pulling hair phase. And sometimes they overlapped."
"Jesus."
"Yeah, well, they learn that kind of shit in daycare and there's nothing I could really do about it. But he also learned pretty quickly that I don't tolerate it. Doesn't mean he still doesn't do it sometimes, but since we've come back to Forks and he's not around it every day it's much less frequent."
"How, uh, how did he learn?"
"I don't spank if that's what you're asking. I don't see the point in teaching a child not to hit by hitting them. But I knew parents who did and it seemed to work for them so, whatever. It's just not what I do. When he was really little all I had to do was scold him and he'd cry. Now he goes into time out in the corner. He hates it. When he throws a temper tantrum I completely ignore him."
"And that works?" He asked, looking like he didn't believe me.
"Sometimes. If he's really inconsolable I sit with him and hold him tightly until he calms down, then we talk about it."
"How do you talk about that kind of stuff to a three-year-old?"
"They're a lot more cognitively aware than you think. I've never talked to him like a baby. I explain things in his terms. I repeat myself a lot and I'm consistent."
"How'd you figure out how to do that?"
"Trial and error," I laughed. "Watching what other people did and seeing if it worked for us. Supernanny."
Edward turned his head away from watching Charlie to look at me. "What the hell is Supernanny?" he asked with a raised eyebrow.
I giggled and nodded. "She's this fabulous British woman on TV who goes into people's homes and straightens them and their kids out. You should see some of the out of control kids that are on there. And the parents can be just as bad. She's got some good tips."
"Huh," Edward said returning his attention to the gaggle of children who were now dive bombing down a giant slide. "When did he start playing the piano?"
I smiled. I knew that Charlie's new obsession would grab Edward's attention.
"The day that I first brought him over to meet Alice and Jasper."
"Really?" he asked looking at me again.
"Yup."
"He's probably ready for lessons then."
I coughed a little, but said nothing. As much as I would love to put Charlie in lessons, extracurricular activities were kind of on hold until I could get myself together.
Edward's knee was bouncing and he was wringing his hands in his lap. "Has he always looked like me?"
"No. Not always. When he was a tiny baby no one could tell. I could see a few things. He's always had your eyes, even when they were blue; they were still the same shape. But no one else knew that you were the father so they weren't looking for things like that."
"His eyes were blue?"
"Most babies are born with blue eyes, Edward. They change around six to nine months."
"Oh, yeah, I think I knew that."
"Somewhere around ten or eleven months, there was this shift. He went through a growth spurt and all of the sudden he looked like you. Like, the spitting image of you."
"That must have been weird," he murmured.
"It was more panic inducing," I admitted, avoiding his gaze. "I knew I wasn't going to be able to hide it anymore. Not from the people who knew you. Even my dad saw it almost immediately."
"I bet that was fun. He probably wanted to kill me."
I chuckled. "Yes, yes he did. I should probably tell you though. Uh, that hasn't changed."
"What?" he sort of yelped.
"You might just want to avoid provoking my dad any time soon, cause he's just looking for an excuse."
"An excuse for what?" Edward's voice was a slight octave higher than normal and I smirked at him.
"An excuse to beat the shit out of you."
"Oh," he gulped. "Good to know."
Seconds later, Charlie came flying out of nowhere and into Edward's lap. Edward startled, but instinctually put his hands on Charlie's waist.
"Come ooooooon, Eward," Charlie whined, grabbing onto Edward's hands and pulling on his fingers.
Edward looked over at me. I shrugged. This was all him.
"Aren't I too big?"
I laughed and shook my head. "No, those things can hold a few hundred pounds. Just don't go bouncing as hard as you possibly can and I'm fairly certain you'll be fine. But you have to take off your shoes."
Charlie was still tugging on Edward and he finally gave in, standing up and slipping off his shoes.
I watched as the man who had done nothing but make my life a living hell for the past month, joined my son in a jungle themes bouncy castle. I watched as Edward tried to gain his balance, falling over twice before Charlie tackled him and assaulted him with giggles. I watched as my son's tiny hands grabbed on to his father's much larger ones in an attempt to help him gain his balance. I watched as Edward slowly gave in to the amusement that could only be produced by watching a child's delight. They ran, they chased, they tackled, they fist bumped and they laughed.
My chest ached at the sight. It felt like heartburn. It wasn't pleasant. Is this what I wanted? For them to bond? Yes...no. Charlie was getting attached. What would happen if Edward still decided to leave?
Edward grabbed Charlie around the waist and threw him into a bouncy before returning to me. He flopped down into the corner of the sofa with a grin on his face.
"That's just as much fun as it looks," he laughed. "Do you ever get in there with him?"
"More often than not, yes. It's nice to have someone else to do it though. Those kids can be brutal."
I bit my lip and smiled. "We should probably head out and get some lunch. Are you ready or do you want to play some more?" I teased.
"Funny," he said, rolling his eyes. "How do you go about getting him out?"
I smirked. "Hey Charlie, Pizza Playground?"
It took all of three seconds for Charlie to appear at my side. Pizza Playground was a pizza parlor attached to a playground. Kind of like the McDonald's play places, but better because it was family owned and the pizza was made with all natural ingredients.
"Haven't you had enough?" Edward laughed.
Charlie shook his head as he tried to put on his shoes.
"He's got them on the wrong feet," Edward whispered to me as we were walking out the door.
"Yep, he sure does."
XXXXXX
"Please, Mama, please, please, Mama. Mommy Please."
"One more bite and you can go."
Charlie grabbed his pizza and tore a bit off. He chewed quickly and opened his mouth before he had swallowed. "Now?"
I tilted my head, "That was gross Charlie. Go." And then I returned my attention to my own slice of whole wheat, cheesy heaven.
Charlie had been gone for less than a minute before Edward spoke up. "Iwannadoit."
I lifted my eyes without moving any other part of my body. My lunch was halfway to my mouth, but it was quickly forgotten. "Huh?"
"I, uh, I want to, I mean, I'd like to...I don't need two weeks."
"Really?"
He nodded. "Yeah, I do."
"Uh, are you absolutely sure?" I still couldn't believe what I was hearing. Did the man honestly just tell me he was ready for this?
"I said that I want to do it, Bella."
"Oooookay."
"I know you don't want anything from me Bella. I know you expect the worst and I deserve that, I know that I do, but I can't just walk away. I don't think I ever could have even if I had wanted to." Edward was speaking quietly, but for once he was looking directly into my eye.
"That doesn't make any sense."
He raked his hand over his face. "I want to try. If you'll let me."
I nodded and looked over at Charlie who was beginning to move a little bit slower. A sure sign that my boy was getting tired.
"Of course I'll let you, Edward."
XXXXXX
We packed up and headed back to Forks. Charlie fell asleep in the car almost immediately. For the first twenty minutes Edward and I sat in companionable silence with only the sounds of Alt Nation playing, but once again, I could tell he wanted to say something.
"I know my parents want you to move in, Bella," he blurted out suddenly.
I didn't move, I didn't speak. I just continued to look at the road ahead of me.
"Maybe it's not such a bad idea? I mean, it will get you out of your dad's place right?"
Who in the hell is talking to me?
"Mom said that you are both packed into one room. The apartment has a lot more space. And...that play set monstrosity is there."
I snorted. I couldn't help it. He was just verbalizing what I'd thought about that thing all along.
"Are you going to say anything?"
I glanced over at him quickly and saw that he was looking at me.
"I'm thinking," I admitted.
"What are you thinking about?"
"I'm having a hard time processing all of this Edward. Three weeks ago you were screaming at me and calling me names and accusing me of being after your money. Then, you didn't talk to me for two weeks. Now, you're telling me that you want to be a part of Charlie's life and want us to move in with you."
"Not with me," he rushed to clarify.
"Fine, into the apartment on your property."
"On my parent's property."
"Semantics, Edward. I...I just need to think about it okay."
"Right."
But the fact of the matter was that my mind was already making itself up. Edward had made his decision and so far, he was showing me that he wanted to do this. Being close by would force the realities of parenthood on him far faster than living across town ever could. I didn't know when it would happen, but I was fairly certain that by the end of the month, I would be living under the same roof as Edward Cullen.
Shit!