"No, Max. I can't. I can't do this". Millie shifted back on the bench and stood quickly. If she stayed close to him any longer she knew she wouldn't be able to stop herself or him. She had to get away, put some distance between them. She hurried to the edge of the water, hoping it would lend her some of its calm. Wrapping her arms around herself she dared to look back at Max, he had remained seated but was leaning forward, watching her intently. "Too much has happened for us to pick up where we were, Max" the emotion was rising in her voice "surely you understand that?" He stood and walked towards her, stopping a couple of feet away so that she wouldn't feel crowded.
"Yes, I do understand, but I need you Millie and I'm willing to do anything to prove to you that we are worth another chance. I know I hurt you and I wish I could go back and do everything differently but I can't. All I can do it try to make you understand …" he trailed off as inadequacy overwhelmed him.
"Understand what?" Millie prompted in a whisper.
Max looked at her so intensely that she felt as though he was reaching into her soul. "That I'm nothing without you."
"That's not true Max" she lifted a hand to his cheek, her thumb caressing his stubble roughened skin. It was useless to pretend any longer that she wouldn't have him back. Of course she would, but it had to be on terms she could live with. "You said that you would do anything to prove to me that we should try again?" Max nodded mutely, but sceptically wondered what was coming next. "I can't be your emotional crutch. You've got so much to deal with and work through and I can't live my life in torment while you do that. It wouldn't work, you keep too much in here" she placed her other hand on his chest "and I don't believe you'd ever let me in. You need to see someone who can really help you."
Max looked at her quizzically for a moment before realising what she was asking him to do. "Do you mean see a shrink?"
"Maybe not a shrink, but a counsellor or some sort of therapist". Millie watched him recoil in horror, just as she had anticipated, but undeterred she continued. "It's not an admission of weakness to talk to someone you know." Max took a step back, as though she had slapped him. "It shows strength Max", her voice tinged with desperation as he withdrew from her.
"Oh no. No, no, no. I don't need to see anyone. I was made to do that in the past, didn't need to then, I don't need to now."
"Listen to me Max. I've seen how the past can tear someone apart, until there's almost nothing left. I don't want that to happen to you." Max looked away from her, trying to block out what she was saying. "Or us." That got his attention, as Millie had hoped. "I've seen how counselling can make all the difference." She paused, grappling with how to convince him to listen to her. "You know how Jasper never spoke to you? Well that's because he feels threatened by you and it makes him angry. His way of coping is to back right away. He told me once that there is something about you that reminds him of his father, the detached way in which you see the world, as if it should bend to your will. His father used to physically abuse his mother and made him watch. She left in the end and Jas ended up in one boarding school after another, I don't know how many times he was expelled for being violent. He finally met Becksy in the last one though and for a while he was calmer. But after they moved to London he got worse. Drinking, drugs I think, Becksy has always kept those details sketchy. She stayed with him for years, covering up to her parents, sorting out the mess he made of his life, pulling him out of one fight after another, taking him to hospital to get patched up." Millie noticed Max's suddenly concerned expression and shook her head. "No, he's never shown any violence towards either Becksy or me. But the point is that she couldn't help him fight his past and until she managed to convince him to get help, he was only heading one way. It took so long to get to that point, so much wasted time, so much pain. I don't want that, Max."
"It's an interesting story, but Jasper is nothing like me. I don't need that kind of help."
"But Max …"
"I said no, Millie." His voice brimmed with finality on the subject.
"Well, I suppose that shows you haven't changed much after all." Millie's tone turned flat.
"What do you mean?"
"When you said that you would do anything, I should have known that what you actually meant was that you would say anything to get what you want. That's your style isn't it? All about what you want. This isn't going to work if you can't recognise that and right now, I don't believe you ever will." She turned away, her bitter disappointment in him palpable.
"Wait. I just don't see what the point would be. I just need to be with you, get back to how we were. I know it won't be easy, I know how much I got to do to make it up to you, to convince you that I'm so sorry."
"And how do you think you're going to do that? Send me flowers, chocolates? What? If we stand the slightest chance, then I need to know that you are not going to walk out on me the next time you get scared. You need to know why you did that so you don't do it again, and you'll never do that on your own. Then there's all the Poland stuff …"
"Then you help me Millie. I don't need anyone else, I love …"
"Stop, don't say that" Millie wailed in anguish, the tears brimming as she looked up to the sky. "I don't want to hear it. I can't trust what you say to me." She paused for a moment to collect herself before looking back to him. "You don't get it do you? I can't be your emotional crutch" she repeated. "I won't live my life in torment while you go into self-destruct mode."
"I'm not going to self-destruct. Not if I have you to keep me sane."
"No? Have you forgotten what you've just been telling me? How can you expect me to be able to deal with all that? I'm sorry Max, you said you would do anything to prove yourself to me, well this is what you have to do. I won't back down." She gave a little disbelieving laugh "once again, the decision, the choice is all yours."