Hi everyone!

As always, thank you very much for reading and reviewing! It's so nice to read your positive feedback... ;-)

Okay... So this chapter wasn't easy to write and that's why it took me so long to update. I rewrote this many times until I was finally satisfied with the result. Now I think it's right, at last.

It's also the longest chapter yet, but it kind of works, because the months without Adam weren't exactly flying for Allie... They were a long, long few months.

Enjoy!

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12 – (fake) Confessions

Adam left for his first tour around the world, and I stayed, missing him way too much to be sane. Of course, we spoke to each other every day, sometimes using cameras to actually see each other, but it simply wasn't enough. There was always something missing. Even beyond the lack of the physical touch, which wasn't to be ignored either; I had to just feel Adam's presence. It's hard to explain, but somehow looking in his eyes through a camera and hearing his voice on the phone was definitely pleasant and comforting, but it didn't feel real enough. It wasn't something I could name, it just wasn't good enough, end of story.

During those long weeks, that seemed to crawl longer than possible, I had lots of work with the video clip for my new single. It took most of my time and all of my free time I spent with my friends, who found it absolutely wonderful, because it was definitely more time than I have been spending with them for a while now. They did their best to entertain me as soon as they noticed something wasn't right. Still, there was nothing that could keep my mind off of Adam. Obviously.

Two weeks after my birthday I was already getting frustrated, missing Adam, but also afraid to think about what was waiting ahead. I knew it wasn't going to be easy when Adam would be back and that the scandalous news about us will be a giant explosion in the press. It was definitely going to be the gossip of the year and we couldn't avoid it in any way. Although I was ready to experience the whole thing right then, if it meant that Adam would come back sooner.

One afternoon I was lying on the sofa in the living room, trying to read a book, but unable to concentrate enough and ended up reading the same paragraph about a dozen times. My mind kept wandering, always returning to the same subjects: Adam and our plan. Then my cell phone started to ring, bringing me back to reality and I jumped in surprise, almost falling from the couch. It took me a moment to find the device, but I answered in time, before it stopped ringing.

"Hello?"

"Hey, girl!" I heard Megan's familiar voice.

"Hey!" I replied enthusiastically. "What's up?" I was genuinely happy to hear from her.

"Everything's great. You?"

"Awesome." Well, usually it was, but now that Adam went away for his tour life wasn't as great.

"I'm sorry I didn't call you soon, but it was crazy the last couple of weeks… Anyway, I wanted to tell you that your party was amazing." I could hear the smile on Megan's lips.

"I wish I could take the credit for it, but I didn't arrange it. It was like a present from… my friends and family." Oh, yes I wished I could tell her the truth. I wished I could tell everybody, just so I could stop thinking twice through any word I was about to say. I wanted to feel free. But being with Adam was more important and I was willing to wait a few more months and to lie to assure the future with him that I wanted so much.

"Great friends and family." Megan laughed, not showing any sign she might've not believed me. But then again, why wouldn't she believe me? It's not like she could guess what really happened.

"Yeah." I faked a laugh. "Totally. When my parents told me they're arranging a party for me, I definitely didn't expect anything like that." I admitted. Well, at least that wasn't a lie.

"I can see your point." Megan laughed again. "But it really was fantastic. And it was so great to see everybody again. We haven't gotten a lot of opportunities to meet and just hang out after the tour ended."

"Yeah, we didn't have a lot of time to talk at the last event we met each other." I agreed.

"And it's not the same when we're at some music awards event or something. I miss spending time with everybody."

"Me too." I was thinking about the American Idol tour, remembering what it was like with all the idols, on the buses and at hotels… Like a big family on the road. The last few weeks of the tour were the most memorable, the most joyful and amazing of all. Soon I was consumed by the thoughts… about Adam. I thought how great it had been to spend so much time with him, so much, much more than I could after the tour ended… and certainly without a comparison to the time I spent with him now, which was none, if you don't count the long conversations on the phone.

"I haven't even seen some of the guys outside of work." Megan was the one to break the silence of slight nostalgia. "I mean, I got together with you a few times and Lil, a couple of times with Matt and Adam and that's about it. We're all so busy these days, it's horrible."

"I know. I didn't get a chance to hang out much with anyone either." I thought for a moment and added, "I haven't even seen Adam in like forever until the party." What? It was the perfect opportunity to spread what we wanted to be the truth for everyone. "He's even busier than all of us." Well, that wasn't a lie, really.

"Yeah, it's insane! You know he's on a worldwide tour now?" She was telling me? Oh, please. There was no one who knew about it better than I did, or felt his absence more…

"Yeah, I've heard." I kept my voice casual. "And I got to talk to him at my party a little, he's so excited."

"I would be too." Megan laughed. "And you know how excitable Adam is." At that one I was the one to laugh. Yes, I knew exactly how excitable he was. I was the first one to hear the news and the one who heard about it the most. But I couldn't blame him. I was almost as excited and enthusiastic as him. Well, at least I had been, until I realized I wouldn't be able to see him for three months.

"He sounded very happy about the tour and the way everything's going." I said, hoping I sounded like myself.

"Of course he is! He's doing so great." She paused for a moment. "Who had the doubt he would, though?" I knew she was only half joking. And she was right.

"I can't complain either." I figured it was enough talking about Adam and how I didn't keep in touch with him. I didn't like to lie at all and I thought it was already way too much for me. Besides, I did what I had to and she believed me, so my goal was fulfilled. "I'm working on a new record now." I told her to change the subject.

"Oh, that's great!" I knew Megan was sincerely happy for me. That's just the way she was; selfless and honest, always glad for other people's joy and success. This only made me feel even guiltier about lying to her. "Congratulations!"

"Thanks. Your album is on the way, isn't it?"

"Yeah!" She answered enthusiastically. "The single's out and some people actually like it!" I smiled to myself.

"Megan, everybody loves it. I do to. It's awesome." I could so easily imagine how she blushed and looked down.

"Thank you. It took some time, but finally we're finished with it."

"It's gonna be great." I assured her.

"I hope so." Then she was the one to change the subject. "I'm watching some kind of rumors show on the TV and guess who's on it?"

"Who?"

"Adam and Kris." Megan laughed. "They're showing them at some restaurant with Katy. It feels like they're the only ones who really stayed in touch, like the close friends they are." I bit my bottom lip. It was so hard not to tell her how close we all stayed. Especially Adam and I… "If I didn't know better, I would already suspect Kradam fans aren't that insane at all…" We both broke into laughter, remembering the old times and jokes about fans, rumors and fiction pairings. How could anyone guess how close to the truth those fans were? Only not about the pairing Megan was talking about… I couldn't imagine what would be her reaction when she finds out. "By the way, Kris told me he's going on a tour too." Megan remembered.

"Yeah, but he stays in the states for now." It was Adam who always needed adventures and changes… he always needed more. Damn him. I held a sigh back. The rest of the conversation passed for me in some kind of a daze. I replied to Megan's questions, but other than that stayed quiet, my thoughts all devoted to Adam. Soon I was seriously considering the option that I would lose my mind in the next couple of months.

The fact that I couldn't talk to anybody about it didn't make it any easier. Jess actually made it even harder, as she kept interrogating me about that Mark guy and the endless text massages I received and sent. And she didn't even know about the long conversations that were held when she wasn't around. I told her I haven't seen Mark since our date and didn't intend to do so, nor want to, so she refused to leave me alone until I would tell her who I was seeing. And when Jess sets a goal, nothing can keep her from getting what she wants.

"What makes you think I'm seeing someone?" I replied casually to her too frequent and unchanging question. "Just because of the texting?" I sighed tiredly. I've tried to change the subject countless times, trust me, it didn't work even once.

"Oh, give me a break!" She rolled her eyes. "You should see your expression every time he calls or something."

"He?" My heart skipped a beat. Could she possibly know?

"Yeah, the guy that you're in love with." When did she get so wise about romance? She used to be even more clueless about love than I had been before I met Adam.

"What?" I tried to fake a laugh. "What are talking about?"

"Come on, Allie, I know there's someone. There has been someone for a long time and I want you to finally tell me!" She shook my shoulder impatiently. I was about to tell my friend she was wrong like I usually did, but she was going to find out soon anyway and I thought it would be better if I told her the version of the truth I wanted her to know. Besides, as soon as Adam and I would announce our relationship publically, she would know exactly what had been happening since I got home from the tour. This wasn't what I wanted to happen; all of those sacrifices weren't for nothing, so I decided it would be much wiser to tell her now and make her believe in the story Adam and I were going to sell.

"Okay, I'll tell you." I said in defeat and she jumped up and down with excitement. "But you can't tell anybody yet." I warned her.

"I'm a tomb!" Jess promised excitedly.

"Umm… I don't know how to explain it properly… It's not a relationship really… Well, not yet." I hated to lie to her, but there was no other choice, I had to make my lie as believable as possible. "It's mostly some flirting and stuff…"

"Stuff?" She moved her brows suggestively.

"Not that kind of stuff, Jess." I moaned in response.

"Who is it?" She demanded and I could tell she was horribly curious. I held back a giggle, knowing she would never guess who I was talking about, not even in a million years. Well, I wasn't going to torture her for so long…

"Adam." I said finally, receiving a strange stare from Jess. "What?"

"As in Lambert?" There was an evident shock and disbelief in her voice. Not that I didn't expect it. It was totally understandable. I could still remember my own disbelief when Adam and I got together so many months ago. And I had actually been there and took a part in that whole story. Imagine what she was experiencing at that moment.

"Do you know other Adams?" I raised one of my eyebrows, trying to sound calm, as if my heart wasn't hammering insanely in my chest. I was about to test our plan on her. So much depended on whether she would believe or not, whether everyone would believe or not.

"I do actually," Jess said slowly. "But you don't."

"Yeah, it's Adam Lambert. I've had a crush on him since… I first saw him, I guess, but –"

"But he's gay!" Jess raised her voice and I was glad my parents weren't home. There would be time for them to panic as well.

"Who?" But my sister was. She peeked into my room with a curious expression.

"Oh, man…" I closed my eyes and sighed. I wasn't planning to tell anybody but Jess yet. However, apparently I didn't have a choice anymore, so I had to deal with it. I had to make it as good as I possibly could and everything else wasn't in my hands.

"Your sister's dating Adam Lambert." Jess informed her and I covered my face with both of my hands. This was getting out of control and I couldn't let this happen. They had to believe in the story Adam and I made up, thinking through every detail, and were about to tell everybody.

"What?! Are you serious?" Sarah sounded even more shocked than Jess as she entered the room and took a seat on my bed.

"I'm not dating him." Well, at least not outside his house. "It's just that our relationship is a little more than friendship now and I hope that someday it would develop into something like dating." Damn, I wasn't that horrible in it, was I? Definitely better than I'd expected.

"Wait, but he is gay, he admitted in that interview months ago!" My beloved sister just had to make it harder, didn't she? Well, I guess it was a good rehearsal for what was waiting for me. As much as I didn't want to think about it, I knew I had to speak with my parents soon.

"I guess he's not." I shrugged casually and Jess and Sarah exchanged meaningful looks. "It's complicated, I hardly understand it myself." I really didn't want to get into this part. Besides, I knew Adam could handle it better.

"So… what happened?" Jess asked carefully and I was grateful she didn't ask anything else about Adam's sexuality.

"Nothing really. We haven't seen each other for a while and hardly ever called each other this whole time, because we were so busy…" Well, at least some part of this was the truth. "And then we met at my birthday party and… It was somehow very weird… like we're a little distant…" I made sure I did the pauses in time so it would look like I was searching for the right words, instead of sounding rehearsed. "For me it was almost embarrassing, being with him after all this time." I sighed and looked down. No, I wasn't such a good liar, or an actress, whatever you wish to call it. I wasn't coming up with this detailed description as I was going. I was combining the storyline Adam and I planned a long time ago with real feelings I remembered from what seemed like a decade ago. "And he was as sweet and charming and… cute as he always is and…"

"And..?" They asked together.

"And I kind of said I was attracted to him…" In my mind I was remembering the way I really told Adam about my feelings . God, it was so different from what I was telling. Attracted. I could hardly stop myself from smirking sarcastically. Attraction couldn't come close to what I felt for Adam. I was so completely and irreversibly in love with him by that time…

"Kind of?" Sarah asked.

"Well, I did, but he was all weird about it... Not that you could blame him… But eventually we ended up kissing." Wow, it was pretty close to the truth, wasn't it? So how come it was so far away from reality?

"You kissed?!" They shouted in the same time with shock.

"Yeah, and it made everything even more awkward." I played with my bracelet to keep my eyes and hands busy, so I wouldn't have to look them in the eyes and still seem believably embarrassed.

"And you didn't tell me?!" Jess was getting too loud for my taste.

"I didn't want anybody to know, because I didn't think something was going to happen." Damn, I was getting pretty good at it. I wished Adam was there with me, though. "But now he's away on his tour and we've been talking a lot since the party… not in a friendly way… I mean, it's different now."

"Different – how?" Sarah asked.

"I don't know how to explain this. It just is."

"I know you have a thing for him…" I didn't bother to ask her why she hasn't said a word to me about it, if she'd known I had feelings for Adam. There simply was no point now. "But are you sure he feels the same way?" Okay, so he lied to almost everybody he knew about being gay and not dating anybody, which he absolutely despised; pretended to be someone who he wasn't, something he liked even less and risked practically everything to be with me for the last year. Yeah, I was pretty sure.

"I hope so." I shrugged again.

"But what if he sees you just as a friend?" Sarah offered. I knew she didn't do it to make me feel bad. She is my sister after all, she was being protective.

"Gee, you're supportive." I replied sarcastically. "He surely doesn't kiss all of his friends like that. At least I really hope he doesn't." I took a deep breath before speaking again. "Look, I don't know what's going on, so I don't want anybody to know about it until we figure everything out. And it's not going to happen until he comes back from the tour and we talk. Can you keep your mouths shut?" I looked from Sarah to Jess and they both nodded. We set there for a minute in silence, until Jess spoke again.

"So…" I looked up at her. "Adam Lambert, ha?" I couldn't help by smile and before I knew it, both of them were attacking me with excited hugs and squeals. Well, the squeals were mostly from Jess.

Two down… The whole world to go. Honestly, I wasn't afraid of what everybody's reaction would be and I didn't worry about the scandal that our relationship would cause. The only opinions that I cared about were my parents'. And they weren't going to be enthusiastic about it, that was for sure. I can't say I was very excited about telling them…

The cheerfulness didn't last for long and after that conversation I was left feeling somewhat uneasy. I was lying on my bed for a long time after Jess went home and Sarah got back to her room. I tried to fall asleep, but the thoughts were cursing madly through my mind, not letting me rest for even a minute.

I was thinking about today, when I had to lie to three people, who meant a lot to me, and about the future that wasn't much different and full of lies to m any other people I loved, especially my parents. There was no other way; I had to lie to them, because I knew they wouldn't be able to accept that my relationship with Adam started when I was seventeen, especially since I lied to them. They would accuse Adam in seducing me or brainwashing me or whatever there is to do with me, but they would convince themselves he was some kind of pervert because of his age. Wait, doesn't it feel somehow familiar? Yep, that's what Adam tried to convince himself of when he first realized he had feelings for me. I knew that if we told my parents the truth back then, they would do something crazy like suing Adam or doing any other thing to keep us apart. So we made sure that wouldn't happen, because everyone thought I wasn't exactly his type this whole time and now they couldn't do anything, because I was eighteen. But it didn't mean my parents were going to take the news nicely and react enthusiastically about our 'new' relationship.

The guilt was letting itself known and I tossed from side to side restlessly through the whole night, only able to think about all the lies Adam and I had to tell. I knew they were a constant factor in my life now, no matter how much I hated them. I also knew that he was obligated to lie because of me, which made me feel even worse.

In the morning I was desperate to talk to someone. I knew that it was my only chance to stay sane, so I dialed the only number I could. No, it wasn't Adam's, because I knew he was giving one of his concerts at that hour of the day. Besides, I wasn't sure he could help me, since he was actually a part of this whole thing.

"Kris." I said quietly as soon as I heard the familiar voice on the other side.

"Allie?"

"Yeah, it's me"

"What's going on?" He immediately assumed something wasn't right. Not because I called him, of course, we've been keeping in touch. I guess there was a certain edge to my voice, which made me sound somehow desperate, which I was.

"I told my sister and my friend about Adam." I tried to fight the tears, but they were stubbornly fighting back.

"The truth?" I could hear a little bit of concern in his voice.

"Only the truth I want them to believe in." I took in a shaky breath. I felt so restless and uncomfortable, and the tears weren't about to give up. "God, Kris, I'm lying to my sister and my best friend about something so important… As if they're like the rest of the world that's going to judge us…" The salty liquid finally broke out, streaming down my face frilly – I wasn't able to hold it back anymore.

"Do you regret doing it?" Kris asked.

"No." I didn't have to think about it for long to be able say it firmly. No matter how hard it was and still was going to be for me, I could've never brought myself to regret anything. "Of course not. I just feel…" I searched for the right word. "Guilty. I feel very, very guilty."

"It's absolutely understandable." Kris assured me. "To choose to lie for the rest of your life to everybody and especially to the people you care about… It's not an easy thing to do and it's a really tough choice to make." I sighed, wondering if he judged Adam and me somewhere deep down in his heart. "Especially at your age."

"It has nothing to do with my age." I replied weakly, wiping the tears from my face with my free hand. "I'm pretty sure I would feel as guilty if I were thirty."

"Still, it's a lot of pressure for a girl to bear. But I'm sure you'll be able to handle it." Here was coming the support speech. "Just try not to think about how wrong it is and concentrate on the reason why you guys did all of this. I know it's worth the unpleasant experiences and the quilt and everything." I didn't expect him to say something like that, although it was kind of helping. He was right and I found a little comfort in his words. "And think about Adam." He really didn't need to tell me this. It's not like I could avoid thoughts about Adam anyway. "Soon he's going to come back…" Ah, that soothing voice of Kris combined with the sweet thought about Adam's arrival in a few weeks… Definitely comforting.

"You're good." I said, only partly joking.

"Hold on, Allie, it's gonna pay off." I smiled to myself. It has been paying off for almost a year. "By the way, did you tell Adam?"

"No, I haven't spoken to him yet."

"You really should."

"I know." I sighed heavily. "And I will. I just needed someone to talk to, before I let out all the frustration on him." Honestly, I think that a big part of my frustration was caused by Adam's long absence. And the closer it got to the end of Adam's tour, the slower the days were passing. I was almost afraid that a few days before he would be back, the time would simply stop completely. Sometimes I wasn't sure I would be able to stop myself from getting up and flying to wherever Adam was at that moment.

"He'll be back very soon, Allie, you'll see." Kris tried to encourage me. He was great so far, but I guess he forgot how slowly the time was passing when your loved one was out of hearing and touching range. Not so long ago, his days were as long as mine now. I decided not to remind him of that.

"Thank you for being here for me, Kris." I said with sincere gratitude.

"Nah, nothing to thank me for." Of course he was being his usual self… Then I heard someone call his name from a distance. "I'm sorry, but I have to go now, Allie."

"It's okay. Thanks again and tell Katy I said 'hi'."

"Sure. I'll see you around."

"Yeah, especially on the TV screen. I'm gonna spend there a lot of time soon." We both laughed a little and said our goodbyes. He didn't tell me anything new and didn't really do anything, but somehow I felt a little relieved after the conversation with Kris. It was great to finally talk to someone and speak about what I felt. Besides, Kris' calmness was sort of contagious, so a few good minutes of talking to him were pretty helpful in my situation. Of course, I still felt guilty and doubted it will ever go away completely, but now I was mostly focused on the anticipation for Adam's return. And again, I couldn't wait for the moment I would be in his arms…

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I hope it wasn't boring, because there wasn't a lot going on, but it had to be like that.

I would really appreciate it if you tell me what you thought... But I said it many times already, so you know. =D

You know what happens next... Adam comes back from his tour finally!