Slipping

Azula screamed, struggling against her bonds. She heard a voice in the back of her head telling her she was insane, which only made her scream louder, breathing fire into the air. She'd lost, and something had broken in side of her. The flood gates were open, tears were streaming down her face; her screams were intermittent with insane laughter. Azula felt like she was outside of herself looking in. Even as she knew she had completely lost it, there was nothing she could do to stop every piece of her soul from exploding out of her body in shrieks and fire.

Bring the fire to set me free.

Then it stopped. She had fallen to her side, and was breathing hard. The tears were still coming, but her mind felt empty and broken. That hollowness that had been in her chest for so long had broken out and consumed the rest of her; bits and pieces of the last years of her memory surfaced, only to sink to the back again.

Ghosts waiting above my grave.

She was 11 years old and watching Zuko fight an Agni-Kai, or…not fight, as the case was. Zuko was on his knees begging their father not to hurt him, refusing to fight. Azula was surprised that her brother wouldn't fight, but excited to see what their father would do to him for it.

She knew that he should have fought, even if it was against Ozai. He had agreed to participate in the fire duel, refusing after it had begun was disgraceful and in doing so he had brought shame on the entire royal family. Azula knew that Ozai wouldn't accept such a display of cowardice from the crown prince, but she was still a bit shocked at the severity of the punishment: scarred forever and banished.

Well…the weak are there to justify the strong, she thought, trying to calm her own nerves.

Azula was 13 years old when her father called her to his war room. She was kneeling on the ground, bowing in front of the throne. Ozai informed her that when she was 16 she would be marrying a man named Lieutenant Commander Zhao. She knew who he was, she had been sitting right next to him during Zuko's fateful Agni-Kai; it made her feel sick to think of marrying him.

"W-why?" She asked Ozai.

"Because even with your brother gone, you cannot be FireLord yourself." He explained to her that if she married someone, then had him poisoned, she could more easily take the title. Ozai had been steadily gaining power over the last several years, Azula found it hard to believe that he couldn't just say she would be his successor and then it would be over and done with, but she remembered the sound of Zuko screaming and kept her mouth shut, bowing again before she excused herself.

How can this be happening, Azula thought. She walked slowly down the hall to her room, shoulders slumped. She had grown into a young woman, gotten taller and her curves filled out. The princess stopped two doors down from her own and stood staring at the mahogany door.

He is just trying to find a way to make me his successor, Azula reassured herself as she pushed the heavy door open and stepped inside. Nothing had been touched in the two years since Zuko had left. His wardrobe and dresser were hanging open after he rifled through them to take everything he would need when he went to search for the avatar.

Azula laughed when she heard her brother's assignment. No one had heard from the avatar in 100 years. Zuko would never find him, but he couldn't come back until he did. Azula leaned against her brother's bed, looking down when she felt her foot touch something. She bent to pick up the old Earth Kingdom soldier that she used to love to steal from him when they were younger.

I'm special, the princess thought, I'm not a failure, and Father loves me. She placed the toy on Zuko's dresser, harder than necessary and hurried out of his dusty room.

She was 5 years old; her Uncle was teaching her to play Pai Sho. She was a twitchy little girl, and had trouble concentrating long enough to remember what all of the different pieces meant and which moves would earn her points.

"You see, Azula, the key is to create harmonies between pieces, and to eliminate disharmonies," Iroh explained.

"Right," Azula said boredly, staring at all of the pieces, "Why are you teaching me this?"

"I figured maybe you and Zuko could play sometime, he seemed to enjoy it," The prince responded.

"Bleh, Zuko," she scowled, remembering 'the Incident.' "I won't ever play with him."

"Why not?" Iroh looked surprised.

The princess sighed, looking at the ground, "He always whines and takes mom away from me," for some reason Iroh was always so easy for Azula to open up to, with his calm demeanor and kind smile.

"Love is not a contest, Azula," Iroh said seriously, "You don't have to compete for the love of your mother. She cares for both you, and Zuko."

Azula snorted and looked away again, "So what does this piece do?" She said, holding up the wheel.

"Well, that is a very important piece…" the princess' memory trailed off.

She was 14 when she was on Ember Island, and realized that she had never kissed a boy. She had never had a boy hold her hand, or hug her. All of the boys her age were afraid of her, not just of her Father, but of Azula herself. She was intimidating and she knew it. That was what she was going for, but it pushed them away; 14 year old boys were more interested in girls like Ty-Lee.

But, without fear, Azula didn't know how to make anyone like her.

Azula was 15 when she realized her father didn't love her. He didn't care about her any more than he did Zuko, she was just more useful, stronger. At the time, she didn't let herself think it, but when he didn't take her with him to execute the plan that she had come up with, she knew it.

She sat behind her wall of blue fire, she had everything she wanted, she would be the new FireLord, they were about to win the war. She should have been happy, proud, but all she felt was fear. She was alone, scared, she couldn't handle it but she was too proud to admit it. So instead, she banished almost everyone in the palace, convinced that they would betray her.

Azula realized that she had banished all of her servants when she stood alone in front of the mirror, struggling with her own hair. She had never tied her own top knot before, and she didn't know how. With each try she became more frustrated, more hysterical, she was shaking and the Empty was bubbling up out of her chest.

She yanked her finger out of the ribbon then grabbed the scissors.

"Alright Hair, it's time to face your doom," she said with a lopsided smile, then cut her bangs clean off, leaving them uneven.

Azula's grin slipped off at the sight of her mother standing behind her. It's not real, she thought.

"What a shame, you always had such beautiful hair," Ursa said, and Azula knew she wasn't there, but try as she might the vision wouldn't go away. Her mother looked exactly the way she had the last day Azula had seen her; when she'd told her she would be back to finish their talk.

"What are you doing here?" Azula asked, accusingly.

"I didn't want to miss my own daughter's coronation," she replied. The fact that Ursa was a hallucination was pushed into the back of Azula's brain.

"Don't pretend to act proud; I know what you really think of me. You think I'm a monster," Azula told her, remembering the look on her mother's face when she pushed Zuko off of their garden wall.

"I think you're confused. All your life you've used fear to control people. Like your friends Mai and Ty-Lee," Ursa's voice was kind.

"But what choice do I have! Trust is for fools, fear is the only reliable way," Azula looked down, then added angrily, "Even you fear me."

"No," Ursa answered shaking her head, "I love you, Azula, I do."

Azula felt her bottom lip begin to tremble, and the tears start to roll. Her mother loved her, and she's gone. The only person who ever did. The only person she could ever trust.

Anger bubbled up out of Azula's stomach. She grabbed her hairbrush from the table beside her and threw it at her mother's reflection, shattering the mirror. Her knees were shaking and she collapsed, sobbing.

After a few moments the princess forced herself to stand and wipe her tears. This is the only way it will ever get better. The only way, she thought as she walked out to her coronation, slightly unsteady.

I hear voices in the air
It's too strange no one's ever there.

Zuko and the water bending girl were staring at her. Suddenly, her brother was kneeling next to her; he picked her head up and laid her down in his lap, pushing her now uneven hair back from her face. Normally she would have been embarrassed for them to see her like this, but she couldn't bring herself to care. The Empty had finally taken over; her heart and mind were broken.

So I wish I could count quietly in a crowded room till we were only standing there
In another time, life, and place
And the only thing one could hear was the soft whisper of
4, 3, 2...

A/N: Omg it's done! I resurrected the same song as before, since I feel like it fits so perfectly, it's "I hear" by Lennon.

*fears copyright laws*

Well, I hope you liked this story, I did. I implore you one last time to review or message me and tell me what you think! I'd love to have feedback, to know what you thought worked or didn't work, what you liked or didn't like. It makes me smile to get feedback. =]

Thank you for reading!

(hearts go here)