Usagi: Another upload! And only the second one uploaded from my very own Rabbit!
Roxas: (blink blink) Rabbit?
Zakura: sigh she named her new laptop Rabbit for some strange reason..
Usagi: there IS a reason. I reserved a rabbit the same day I got the PC so we joked about the rabbit being in the box. I won't get the real rabbit before about a week though. Her name's Aroma and she's gorgeous.
Zakura: yippie…
Usagi: would you rather share your run with Sasuke?
Sasuke: (runs in) Zakura-chan my love!
Zakura: jikes no! (Runs away from the lovesick bunnyboy)
Usagi: rabbits for you… glad my laptop isn't like that
This chapter is loosely based on Mulan
Sora: seeing as it's based of Kingdom Hearts' Land of Dragons which is based on Mulan…
Usagi: it's not my first time parodying a Disney-movie… I did a Brother Bear Parody once…but enough of that: Here's chapter 12!
CHAPTER XII
JOIN THE ARMY
Sora and the gang arrived at the training camp, they would have arrived earlier of Sora hadn't gotten into a fight with Mushu for calling him stupid, now Sora was all covered in burnt-marks and Mushu had ice on his tail from Sora's blizzard-attack.
The first thing he saw was one big line forming in front of the food tray, Sora was kind of hungry, so he walked up to them, only to be pushed out of the way by another guy.
"Hey! I was here first!" Sora complained.
"And what are you going to do about it?" the man asked.
"I'm going to use my key to beat you into a bloody pulp!" Sora said, summoning the keyblade.
As the two boys fought, Donald, Goofy, Mulan and Mushu looked at them with a confused expression.
"What's up Sora's ass today?" Mushu asked.
"I think he's just mad because he couldn't fight the Organization XIII back in Hollow Bastion, so he's taking it out on the random looser over there" Donald said.
Suddenly a huge man came by, and picked up both Sora and the random Chinese man.
"Oh Yao, you've found a new friend" he said to the Chinese, before turning to Sora. "I'm Shen Po. And who might you be?"
"My name is Sora, and these are my friends, Donald, Goofy and Mu…Ping. Now could you please put me down?" Sora asked, sounding like he was about to choke, which he was, seeing as Shen Po was holding him by the chain around his neck, and he was getting the crown pendant in his throat.
"Oh. Ups" Shen Po said and put Sora down.
"Oh thank god. I thought I was gonna die" Sora said as he was gasping for air.
"Oh you will! I'll hit you so hard your ancestors get knocked out!" Yao said threatening.
"Well then it sure is a good thing I don't have any ancestors. Except for my mom but she's never seen so she may well just be a speaker system someone installed in my living room to keep me from getting lonely and destructive" Sora said.
Yao just stared at Sora with a confused expression.
"Monsters are attacking the camp!" someone suddenly yelled, and dozens of shadow heartless popped out from the ground.
"Gah! What are those things?" Mulan asked.
"Oh well that would be the heartless" Mushu said. "Come on girl, time to show these guys how strong you are!"
"But I'm not strong…"
"In that case it's been great knowing you" Mushu said and run of somewhere to hide.
"Well this certainly isn't like the movie" Mulan muttered and pulled out her sword.
Sora had already pulled out his keyblade and was now striking down heartless left and right.
"DIE YOU DIRTY HEARTLESS SCUM! WHO'S THE FREAK NOW? HUH?" he yelled.
"Gawrsh Donald, Usagi's taking a lot of liberties with this chapter, doesn't she?" Goofy said.
"It's like a messed up mix of Kingdom Hearts, the Mulan Disney movie and her sick imagination" Donald said.
Oh just be glad I'm not a yaoi-fangirl.
"Oh right. She's got a point there" Donald said. "Not that any fangirl ever bother to make any yaoi-stories about us."
"Did I ever mention what pretty beak you have Donald?" Goofy asked.
"Never mind! I got to stop giving her crazy ideas" Donald said. "Let's just fight these heartless okay?"
"I don't think we have to anymore" Goofy said, and sure enough, Sora had already single-handedly defeated all but one of the heartless, which he was currently stomping on.
"Oh just kill it already!" Donald said.
"No! I wanna torture it some more!" Sora said and continued stomping on the shadow.
Suddenly the captain of the troop appeared, and killed the shadow.
"Hey! I was taking my anger out on that thing!" Sora said.
"Oh well never mind about that. You guys are really awesome fighters! You should like totally join my troop!" captain Shang said.
"Cool!" Sora said.
"What about me?" Mulan asked.
"You fight like a girl. Go home" Shang said.
"Hey! That's gender discrimination!" said a red-haired girl who suddenly appeared and started beating up the captain.
"That's impossible!" Shang said.
"No. But it's really close. Come on Ron, I know Dr. Draken must be around here somewhere!" the girl said and ran of, followed by another boy and a naked mole rat. As they left the camp all were killed by heartless.
"Well that was more random than that Organization guy" Sora said.
"Right….. Since I've now realised girls CAN be pretty good fighters you can join my army" Shang said.
"But I'm a boy" Mulan said.
"Who cares? Welcome to the army Ping!" Shang said. "Now let's go kill some huns!"
With that he ran out of the camp with his sword raised…all by himself.
"What a jerk" Mulan said.
"Welcome to Kingdom Dorks" Sora sighed.
They followed the captain up to a village in the mountain, only to find the entire village burnt down and Shang was lying in the middle, badly injured.
"Shang! Are you okay?" Mulan asked.
"No. I'm badly injured. Didn't you read that last line?" Shang asked. "It sure was a good thing there was absolutely no one living in this village".
"Then what was the point in coming here to protect it?" Donald asked.
"Don't question my order soldier" Shang threatened.
"No sir. We'll go kick the ass of the hun army for you" Sora said and ran out, keyblade raised.
"Am I the only one who's noticed his weapon is a giant key?" Shang asked.
"I told him to use the Oathkeeper instead, at least that one looks a bit more threatening" Donald sighed and followed Sora.
Sora and the gang ran up into the mountains where they encountered Shan Yu, who stood there grinning like a bad guy usually do.
"Shan Yu! We're here to kill you for what you did to the villagers!...village buildings…oh well we'll still kill you" Sora said.
"Oh I don't think so" Shan Yu said and summoned an army of heartless.
"Heartless? Whatever happened to the hun army?" Mulan asked.
"…They're on strike" Shan Yu said.
"Why? Not paying them enough?" Mulan asked.
"They wanted a better health plan! Why the heck would they need that? Either they win the fight or they die! This is war darnit! I can't afford to pay for every little scratch they get!" Shan Yu complained.
"Ok… still taking liberties I see" Sora said and gazed at the fourth wall…aka: into a random direction where he hoped Usagi would be.
Shut up moron. This is a parody, not a script-rewrite.
So they fought the heartless and meanwhile the happy three friends, Yao, Ling and Shen Po arrived.
"Hi guys! We have a cannon! Let's shoot Shan Yu with it!" Ling yelled.
"Never mind that. Shoot that mountain instead. It looks so darn ugly" Mulan said.
"If you say so" Ling said and shot the mountain.
"Are you nuts? That was our last cannon!" Yao yelled.
Suddenly the bomb caused and avalanche, hitting Shan Yu and the heartless.
"Did you actually plan that?" Sora asked.
"What? Can't you see I'm busy putting on my make-up?" Mulan asked.
"I think we should get going" Donald said and ran down from the mountains.
The rest followed him, until they were finally out of range of the avalanche. There they met the captain.
"Weren't you just severely injured?" Sora asked.
"Yeah, but I was healed by a White Mage who just happened to pass by" Shang said. "And Ping! You're a girl!"
"How did you know?" Mulan asked.
"Well you act extremely girly… Fooling the army like that is considered treason and is usually punished with death but since you just saved us all I'm going to let it pass. Bye!"
Then Captain Shang and the trio ran of.
"Well sure is a good thing he didn't kill you" Sora said.
"Yeah, but he did leave us in the mountain with no food, shelter or anything seeing as the village burned down" Mulan said.
"Ah… crap" Sora said.
Usagi: and that's it for today's chapter.
Zakura: in real Usagi-tradition, uploaded at 1. 30 am, although her wireless internet connection has been malfunctioning all day.
Usagi: so now I have this long wire attached to Rabbit… well I would still need some wire cause the battery time is only about 2 hours so…
Zakura: is that a hint that normal people don't sit up all night watching anime on YouTube on the bed?
Usagi: Oh?
Zakura: what?
Usagi: You have no idea! Ready normal people!
(A bunch of random people appear): Ready!
Usagi+random people: (singing) the internet is for anime. The internet is for anime! Why you think the net was born? Anime, anime, porn! (the one guy saying porn is thrown out the window)
Zakura: -.-
Usagi: (coughs) fine... but Disgaea doesn't run on Norwegian TV and I can't find the game anywhere!
Zakura: because it's old.
Usagi: precisely. I couldn't even find Kingdom Hearts anywhere so I ordered it online. Not even the second-hand-game-store had them…
Well enough video game ranting, please review folks!
(End note: the song at the end here is based on "The Internet is for Porn" from Avenue Q)