A/N: Um... yeah... only a couple more chapters left. I love you all.
And I'm waiting with hugs and hot mugs of tea if anyone needs a shoulder to cry on...
This chapter is a bit jumpy because there's a few different sections. The first bit is just a thing that I dont even know what it is... The italics are a flashback from when Logan was still in LA. Remember it jumped like 6 months at one point? So this is from during that six months.
And then yeah the end... Ugh. Bye.
Chapter 12 - I Wish I Could Have Said Goodbye
When Kendall Knight was little, his Grandmother had always told him one thing. She would take his hands in hers tightly, stare right into his eyes and say gently, "you can be anyone you want to be Kendall, anyone at all. You must do what makes you happy"
So that's when Kendall decided that's exactly what he would do; be happy. He'd told his gran that with a smile, dimpled cheeks showing as he would say, "well, I want to be happy, that's what I want to be!"
She had laughed at his childhood naivety, giving him a big kiss on the cheek and telling him to run along and play. But, Kendall always kept that promise to himself and his Gran. Even when she died, her hand held his again, just like it always did, but this time weak and frail as she whispered, "never stop being happy Kendall".
Kendall had always done what made him happy, always, but he didn't realise what true happiness was until he met Logan.
Logan had changed everything.
Kendall thought he would be the one to change Logan, to open his eyes to a world of chances and possibilities, but Kendall had realised that he was the one missing out. To have Logan's lips on his, to feel those small hands in his own, to be in love... it was unlike anything Kendall knew. Kendall began to live for that smile, those dimples. He began to live for just the simple things, like the way Logan would say his name. Kendall could listen to Logan talk all day, and often more times than not he would just get Logan to speak. About nothing important as such, just words. The countless times they lay in bed, Kendall's head rested on Logan's chest, he would make the brunette say his name.
"Kindle" Logan would whisper in his southern twang, running his finger tips through Kendall's hair. Kendall would tilt his head, pressing his lips to Logan's throat as he said those words, the sound vibrating onto his skin and making his hands shake.
And now, now Kendall wasn't happy.
He needed Logan, needed him in a way he had never needed anything before. His arms ached, his stomach hurt, his throat was dry, and he felt like someone was dragging a knife through his chest, pulling and scrapping and twisting and pushing until he couldn't breathe. Kendall could imagine this is what drowning felt like. Like gasping for air when there is none. Like screaming when no one can hear you. Like seeing the surface, seeing the sun peek through the waves, but you're caught in darkness, caught in the crushing black that drags you further and further down when all you want to do is breathe.
Kendall just wants to breathe.
Kendall watched Logan in fascination. Which, wasn't exactly something that was out of the norm, but today he had reason. Sort of.
Logan's toes dip into the sand, his face calculating the feeling, his lips forming a gasp when the water runs around his ankles and making his feet disappear. It's like he's trying to figure it all out, as if where he is, is somewhere that is new, foreign. And in a way, it is.
"Don't be scared" Kendall smiles, grabbing Logan's hand in his and squeezing gently.
Logan turns his head to smile at Kendall in return, his hand tightening its grip as he takes a deep breath. "I'm not. It's just... I mean I know how to swim, but, I've never even been to a beach before"
"Well, that's why I figured it would be an absolute crime for you to be living in California and not go to the beach at least once"
"Always looking out for me" Logan grins, faltering a little when the water rises higher.
"Come on" Kendall whispers, turning until his back is to the ocean, taking Logan's other hand in his own and pulling him forward, "I won't let anything happen to you"
And Logan knows that. He's always known that. With Kendall's hands locked in his, Logan could do anything, be anything, he would follow this boy anywhere and never look back.
When Logan starts to walk forward, it's unlike anything he's ever experienced. His feet sink into the sand, yet, he doesn't fall, and as the water rises higher and higher on his skin; he shivers.
"Cold?" Kendall chuckles, the water starting to swim around their waists.
Logan shakes his head, but his trembling lip gives him away.
Not letting go of Logan's hands, Kendall starts to sink backwards, pulling Logan with him until they are plunged deeper and deeper, water wrapping around their chests, their shoulders. Kendall pulls Logan into him, snaking his arms around the shorter boy and gripping at his back as much as the water will allow. Without thinking, Logan's legs find themselves wrapped around Kendall's waist, the water making the action light and easy.
Logan feels like he should be falling, like the physics don't add up and they should be dragged under. But Kendall's got a hold of him, and he's not letting go any time soon.
"You ok?" Kendall breathes, their skin so close he can taste honey and mint on his tongue; can taste Logan.
Logan brings his hands to Kendall's face, framing it perfectly, softly, gently, holding him like he is glass. And he's giving Kendall that look, that one that screams trust, and care and... love.
All he can do is nod, unspoken words of yesyesyes pouring from his eyes. So many things, so many things he wants to stay, to do, to feel.
"Kiss me" Logan whispers, the sound trapped halfway through need and desperation.
Kendall holds Logan's eyes, the water dripping down his cheeks from Logan's hands, and closes the gap that separates them.
When Kendall kisses Logan it's gentle, but it's sure, it's that press of lips that lifts them, that makes them feel like they are more than just two floating entities in the soft waves of the Pacific ocean.
When Logan leans back to look at Kendall; he knows. It's in this moment; he knows he is in love. Maybe the stars should align or fireworks should go off or all that other stuff Logan had read about in his story books. But really... really, this is simple. Because Logan just knows, knows it like its the most effortless thing in the whole world. Knows that he is in love with everything Kendall is, and everything he will ever be. The words linger on his tongue, the three simple words that seem so easy, but Logan swallows them.
It can wait.
They have forever.
Joanna Mitchell will never forget the first time she saw her son cry.
Truly cry.
There were always tears over scraped knees and stolen toys and childhood fears of the monsters that go bump in the night.
But to truly cry, to let the tears wash down your cheeks like rain, to let the pain slip its way through to your heart; that day is etched right into the deepest corners of Joanna's chest.
Logan had been seven, maybe eight, the weight of the world not yet on his shoulders. It was in the middle of summer, the air sticky and hot, and she had found Logan, down by the lake that ran beyond their back yard. With his head fallen in his little hands, and the tears cascading down his pale cheeks.
"Logan honey!" She had almost cried, "Logan baby what is it?"
She sat down on the grass, scooping the small boy into her arms and holding him to her chest like she would when he was just a baby. He cried, and he cried and cried, letting the tears soak through her shirt and stain her skin.
"Logan, sweetie, tell Mommy what's wrong"
"I-it I-it it's the – t-the bunny!"
"The bunny?" She said softly, taking his face in her hands and searching in his eyes for the story.
"Y-yes the b-bunny" He hiccupped, "he's dead!"
"Oh pumpkin, what bunny?"
"That one!" Logan cried, pointing his hand to his right as he continued to sob.
Joanna had glanced quickly to the side, a small brown rabbit lying lifeless and still in the grass by the water's edge.
"Shhh shhh" Joanna whispered, pulling the crying boy back into her arms and rocking him back and forth. "It's ok sweetie, sometimes these things happen"
"N-no but, I should have tried to help him!" He sobbed, "I s-saw him still moving and then he just s-stopped and it's all my fault!"
"Logie it's not your fault" She had tried to hush, "there's nothing you could have done"
"B-but but but" He choked, "God always tells us t-to help those in need and I didn't help and it's because of me it d-died and now God is going to hate me!"
Joanna placed his wet cheeks in her hands again, looking into swimming chocolate as she had spoken her next words, soft and important. "God will never hate you Logan, he forgives us for the mistakes we make, and this wasn't your mistake"
"B-but –"
"No honey, God loves you, and most of all, I love you"
"Oh Mommy" Logan cried, wrapping his arms around her neck and falling into her shoulder, "I love you too"
"Mommy will always love you Logie Bear, no matter what"
Joanna didn't realise she had started to cry until she felt her husband's strong hand wrap around her shoulder as she leant forward against the kitchen counter.
"Joanna" He barely whispers, "It's going to be ok"
She doesn't turn, doesn't move except for reaching to her shoulder to clasp her husband's hand in her own and if she clasps too tight, he doesn't complain.
"No it's not Peter" She chokes out, her tears swallowing the sound. "Nothing is ok"
He squeezers her shoulder gently before letting go, muttering out a broken, "I'm going to go to the Church"
Joanna spins quickly, looking into her husband's muddy brown dead eyes. "But, Pete we just, our son, we just got back from, f-from –"
"I know. I just can't be in this house right now Jo, not after..."
She nods in understanding, not blaming her husband for wanting to rid the sadness that plagues the house.
As soon as the front door slams, she breaks down, falling to the floor and burying her face into her hands as she cries, and truly cries. Just like her little Logan had done all those years ago.
Her little Logan who should have never grown up. Why couldn't he have stayed young and innocent? Why did he have to be exposed to this world? And Joanna knows, knows it's all her fault. She would give anything to see Logan smile... just one last time. She can't remember the last time he did, maybe when she told him she loved him at the airport, just before he went away. But to know, she is never going to see that smile again... it makes the past almost a memory. It makes Birthday parties, water fights in the backyard, bedtime stories, bandaids on elbows and every dimpled smile seem like it happened to someone else. Like Logan was someone else's son.
But he wasn't. He was her son, and she forgot that.
She wishes she never had.
When the phone starts to ring she considers ignoring it, but with each shrill her anxiety grows, she needs the sound to stop. She needs it all to stop.
She doesn't get off the floor, instead reaching above the counter to find the offending noise with her hand before bringing it to her face. She wipes her cheeks, taking a deep breath and pulling her knees to her chest before pressing the answer button.
"H-hello?" She murmurs, her voice cracking.
" Mrs Mitchell! It's Kendall. I know you don't want Logan to talk to me, I understand, but –"
"You" She whispers, depression turning to anger, "how dare you call this house, h-how dare you"
"Mrs Mitchell, I need to talk to Logan, please I –"
"Listen h-here" She stutters, "Because of you, my son, because of you -"
She stops. The cries ripping through her chest and leaving her speechless, leaving her gasping for air and the inability to breathe.
"It's because of you, my son... my soon took a razor to his wrist. It's because of you... my son is dead"