A/N: I'm going to Hell for this, I can feel it XD

Interlude Three: Elincia versus Jerks; or, Characterization

The Greil Mercenaries were all shoved into one room, ready to talk to a young woman who they'd found on the side of the road after a particularly strenuous battle. She'd been surrounded by the corpses of Daein soldiers and Crimean defenders, but nobody in the Mercenaries recognized her. Greil had gathered them all together after she'd woken up, so they could decide what to do with her.

"Pardon my bluntness, but I have some questions for you. Tell me, who are you? What were you doing in that place?" Greil demanded of her even as Rhys got her a glass of water.

"You took me in and cared for me. I will… place my trust in you." The orange-eyed woman blinked and took a breath. To the surprise of everyone present, a soothing violin theme began playing in the background. "My name is Elincia Ridell Crimea. I am the daughter of King Ramon of Crimea."

"What?" asked Ike, voicing the surprise of the entire company.

"That's an odd claim to make," Greil murmured. "I've never heard of King Ramon having any children."

"That is… to be expected. My heritance, my very existence, has never been made public, to avoid national turmoil. You see, I was born after my uncle, Lord Renning, was named as successor to the throne. So…"

The Mercenaries digested this bit of information.

"That is the biggest crock of bull I have ever heard in my life," Greil said.

The tension broke. "Thank you!" Shinon exclaimed, giving his boss a high five. "Seriously, how stupid does this chick think we are? A mystical hidden princess!"

Elincia looked completely perplexed.

Titania laughed. "I mean really, what on earth would be the point of hiding a princess? Why not just name Renning her regent, or just, you know, not make her the heir if Renning was so important?"

"Because apparently we disown our kids if they're inconvenient!" Gatrie exclaimed, laughing.

Mist was frowning. "You could all be a little bit more diplomatic, you know." She was ignored.

"Guess what, everyone?" Soren voiced, "I'm really the super secret Prince of Daein that no one's ever heard of." Everyone started laughing. Ike cracked up so hard he fell over. Even Shinon gave him a high-five for that one.

"You're all a bunch of… really not nice people," Elincia muttered, cross.

Approximately three years later…

Duke Ludveck laughed, even locked up in jail as he was. "I win, Elincia," he said. "Your sister is going to die if you don't hand over the kingdom to me!"

The beautiful violin theme began up once again. Elincia cleared her throat. "Lord Ludveck, all your dissatisfaction and misgivings about me are well founded. However, do you realize how many lives you've simply thrown away? Strength without compassion does not a ruler make. You care nothing for the people, sir. You cloak your desire to rule with pretty speeches, but it is petty avarice nonetheless! Allowing you to plant the seeds of rebellion and play havoc with the lives of my people is a failure for which I must answer. But I will see Crimea through this trial. I will give my people the future they deserve, no matter the cost."

"Yeah your sister is going to die," said Ludveck.

Elincia glared at him, gave him the finger, and stormed off.

"She's growing up," he said wistfully.

More time after that…

A Crimean soldier approached Queen Elincia, looking incredibly harried and nervous. "Your Majesty, the Begnion army has crossed the border. They are seizing food and supplies and calling it tribute to the empire. There are no casualties yet, but they are acting like bandits!"

"I see…" the Queen muttered, "So they simply ignored me." She let out a weighted sigh.

"What shall I tell the troops, Your Majesty?" asked loyal Lucia.

Elincia paused to thoughtfully consider her options before ordering, "Order the Royal Knights to mobilize. Ride out and advise Begnion to withdraw. If they do not comply… I approve the use of force to remove them from our lands."

Lord Saron, an aristocrat who had been a thorn in Elincia's side since even before she'd removed Ludveck, looked aghast at her proposal. "But… Your Majesty! This is the Begnion army we are talking about! It would be unwise to provoke them!"

Elincia looked at him, her eyes narrowed. "What does this Valtome look like?"

Lord Saron paled. "Wh-what?"

Elincia snarled at him. "What country are you from?"

"What?"

"What ain't no country I ever heard of!" she snapped back. Saron looked ready to flee, but Geoffrey flanked him dutifully so he couldn't. "Do they speak Begnion in What?"

"Wh-what?"

"THE STANDARD LANGUAGE OF BEGNION MOTHERFUCKER, DO YOU SPEAK IT?"

"Y-yes I speak Begnion!" Saron cried, peeing himself.

"Then you know what I'm saying! Describe what Valtome looks like!"

Saron did not know how to handle this badass Queen of his. "Wh-what?"

Lucia and Geoffrey both winced on behalf of Saron, moreso when Elincia punched him in the face. "SAY 'WHAT' AGAIN! SAY 'WHAT' AGAIN, I DARE YA, I DOUBLE-DARE YA YOU MOTHERFUCKER SAY 'WHAT' ONE MORE GODDAMN TIME!

"He's – he's – he's gay!" the lord gasped out, terrified.

"Go on!"

"And – he's – clearly crazy! Kefka laugh and everything!"

"Does he look like a bitch?" Elincia demanded.

"What?" asked Lord Saron, and Elincia shanked him.

"She's become a strong queen," said Geoffrey with stars in his eyes.