Chapter 12: Old Hurts, New Problems.

Summary: Kirah reveals her devastating past. But what does this mean for her relationship with Bull?

Notes: Thanks SO much for reading my story so far, for the faves, follows and comments. It means a lot.

Kirah inhaled deeply from her position on the floor. Bull sunk down beside her and waited.

'My parents were killed by the Arvaarad,' Kirah announced quietly.

Bull's eye widened. He'd worked with the Tal-Vashoth hunters before and knew well how vicious they could be.

'We constantly moved around the Free Marches to make sure we were never caught by hunters. But my parents knew I wanted to be with other children so we settled in a community along the Minanter River. I finally got to make some friends... and my parents seemed to enjoy their new-found stability. My Qunari mother, however, was always alert, suspicious of anyone new passing through. I used to complain about her paranoia... but in the end it was well-founded.'

Kirah gave a wry smile, took a deep breath.

'They broke into our home late one night. Mama told me to run to a nearby farmstead and managed to lower me out the window, but I didn't manage two paces before a Qunari grabbed me by the throat. He threw me back into the house. I still remember him shouting 'Tal-Va-fucking-shoth!''

Bull winced. He'd used that term liberally since becoming a Ben-Hassrath, and most certainly in front of Kirah.

'He was trying to choke me, but Mama stabbed him in the back. She was retching... I realise now she must have been cut by a poison blade. She just had time to grab me and shove me out the door, before another appeared behind her. I tried to run like she said, but the hunter had damaged my back and I... passed out halfway across a field.'

This particular memory made Kirah's voice catch and she rubbed her hand in thought.

'When I came to it was dawn. One of the farmhands, Connor, spotted me. When I told him what happened, he gathered everyone from the community and they descended on our home. Maker bless them, they all grabbed whatever tools and weapons they could find.

When we got back the house was quiet. Connor came out and told me the hunters, three in total, were already dead... but so were my parents.'

Kirah swallowed. Heart heavy, Bull knew that precious few Tal-Vashoth succeeded, or even tried, to make good and healthy lives for themselves outside the Qun, but some had existed. He remembered the Arvaavad never made the distinction between the two. Had he? His lover looked at him tenderly, but he couldn't meet her gaze.

'I know full well how deeply it affected me and I've dealt with it... truly. But I don't think I realised what a liaison like ours would bring up. I've had flings plenty of times in the past and kept it light, but I suppose I... care for you... more... and it's become a trigger for these weird feelings.'

Bull felt a deep pull in his gut at her words. He wanted to tell her he cared for her too, but the words didn't come. I'm unworthy.

Kirah's brows knitted together as she pushed through. 'Bull, I want to continue doing this, being with you, but I'm very... resistant to this becoming a relationship, so I'm a little conflicted.' She gave him a wry smile. 'I know you're not asking for anything deeper... but... if... well,' she scratched the base of a horn. 'Clearly I don't have much hope for Tal-Vashoth relationships, or putting down any roots.'

Kirah paused. She'd never said that out loud. 'I thought by letting you bed others and making things more open, I could somehow diffuse our connection, that I wouldn't care. But in reality I couldn't deal with it and felt I couldn't tell you so... I hurt myself. I don't expect you to understand, but trust me when I say I won't do it again any time soon.'

'I do understand, Kirah,' Bull said softly. 'I've hurt myself too, in other ways, to distract from the real pain. I went to the re-educators remember? I've also drunk an obscene amount, even for me, hell, even for Dorian, since the Storm Coast.'

Kirah nodded, relieved that he really did understand. Bull shifted closer to her, it was clear sitting on the floor would have been uncomfortable for him, but he didn't say anything. When he spoke next his voice was hoarse.

'I'm so sorry that happened to you and your parents, kadan. It's horrible, and it's… unforgivable,' Bull placed a big warm hand on her bicep and squeezed lightly. 'And I can't believe you didn't have me executed the moment I brought shit up about being Tal-Vashoth.'

'You weren't to know,' Kirah said, smiling faintly. 'Listen, I realise this is a bit heavy, more intense than you were probably expecting. I don't want this to end... but I completely understand if you-'

Bull turned her chin towards him, making her meet his eye. 'I'm all good, boss. You want me, I'm here. You don't, I'm not. I'm yours, for as long as you need me.'

Kirah felt that indefinable warmth bloom inside her again. This time she didn't push it down, she breathed in and let it be. Bull took the formerly burned hand and kissed it tenderly.