Third Roll of the Dice

There are times in ones life when things start to take on a whole new look.

How long am I going to permit these bastards to keep me away from what I need and want? Spencer is mine. I claimed him so long ago that the memories of that first time are a bit fuzzy around the edges now. Not the actual act it self, no that will always be etched there as clear today as it was back then, but the circumstances leading up to it. Those long lazy days we had when he was still a kid and I was playing my first games with him. Harmless games back then. We went on adventures together and we took those first steps towards the tentative bonding. The first days; those early days were different. I'm not the bastard you think I am. Well at least I wasn't. I was there to protect him from school yard bullies. I was there for him on those rough days he had concerning his father. I was there for him when his mother was not quite as well as she could have been. I need those days back again. I'm not saying that I didn't feel the need to slap him around. I did feel that need and I think he did too and I complied with his wishes. Not too hard back when he was a kid though, but back then the lust building up inside of me was more controllable. I might be many things but I don't fuck kids; well not on a regular basis anyway (let us not drag Sam into this equation) and back then that's not what I needed him for. I needed to protect and comfort in different ways. Keep him safe. Keep him as mine. I wasn't there all the time back then. I'd go for months or years and not see him. I had no reason to. My job such as it was could be done from a distance, but I kept my eye on him. He might not have been able to see that I was there, but in reality I'm never gone.

What am I going to do about this situation then? These people who control me and who seem to have more and more control as the years go by need to be informed that I've had enough of them interference. I need to pull back from their tasks and their needs and be a selfish son of a bitch and pull myself up out of this mess and get back what is part of me. I honestly don't think that without Spencer in my life I can function fully. Right now I'm confined to this bloody hospital bed and they're pumping me full of things in an attempt to stop me waking up. They want my brain to heal, but it won't yet. I just need to convince the other players in this game that I need to be released. I have things I have to do. I need to sort things out and I have to protect Spencer and stop this downward spiral of self destruction he's going down. So I flip back over. I go back to hades and I am going to demand that they release me and I am going to be who I am and stop this shit they're piling on me.

I can feel my body sliding out of it self and faintly I can hear alarm bells ringing. I think my heart stopped. It's alright; that can happen. Give the staff something to do other than constantly moving me around and wiping stuff over my back and butt to stop any bed sores which might have appeared. They haven't and they won't, but I'm not going to complain about someone rubbing something good into my butt now am I?

At least this time I am standing on the floor and not lying down. This is a good sign. I am in a breechclout and nothing else, but that really isn't a problem. I'm used to this. Last time I lay and waited for them to come to me. This time I take off in big long strides out into the darkness. All roads lead to the same place here. Doesn't matter which direction I walk in and time is not a concept which really exists here so I cannot tell you how far I walked or how long it took but I can still here right in the back of my mind those alarm bells wailing and I can feel a terrible pressure in my chest. They'll be zapping me soon. I love a good zapping from those paddles. It's the next best thing to an orgasm. Sometimes even better; but not often.

I am slightly tempted to call out to them and demand their attention, but there is no real need. They know I'm here and they will know by now that I'm not the compliant bunny they want me to be. I'm not bottom of the fucking pile. I was one of the best and I'm clawing my way back up again. The only reason I fuck up so many times is their stupid rules. Yes I like rules and I need them so I can see which direction I am going in, but for the love of Pluto –may the gods bless her – now I feel a whole new me immerging. OK…not new…but one which has been sorely misplaced and misjudged for too long. I'll never be what I was and I don't think I want to be that again, I've been here in the dark for too long now. I think a white toga and pretty twinkly wings might just about kill me. I stand still now. I can feel that I've reached where I need to be. There is a strange smirk on my face and feeling of something inside of me ready to bust out and get creative on their arses.

'What?'

The voice finally asks me.

'What the fuck do you think? You know why I'm here.' I talk into the nothingness.

'The situation hasn't changed. Go back.'

'The damned situation has changed though hasn't it? I wouldn't be here had there not been some kind of shifting going on.' I walk in a small circle as I talk.

'The discussion is over. Go back or be replaced.' I hear the voice coming from all around me.

'The discussion as you put it is far from over. You won't and you cannot replace me. Stop with your pathetic empty threats because they mean fuck all to me.'

'There is no change. We have decided.' This time the voice is behind me and so I turn quickly to face the speaker.

'Can you not see it? I am not grovelling on your damned floor. I'm not going to go on my knees for you and making requests which you will shift and alter. I am making demands. You will send me back. You will remove the restrictions. I will have what is mine. I won my prize you cannot go changing your minds and telling me that the race I won now has a new finishing line. That's not how this game is played. You gave me my task. You wanted Rosa. I gave you her. Now I want what is rightfully mine. You will free me from these ties you've placed on me and allow me to enjoy what is mine.'

'If you really believe that my threats are empty then go. Do what you think you have to do, but don't you come back here showing your disgusting face when you mess things up again.' This time the voice has remained in front of me and if I squint into the darkness I can see the vague shape of something monstrous sitting there watching me. 'Go and take your prize but don't forget that with that comes the condition that you finish what you started. I want those people destroyed.'

'Well I cant fucking destroy them if you have me tied to a bloody hospital bed! I can't do my job if you take away from me what I need to complete it. Give me back what you took. Let me do what I need and you'll be amazed at how imaginative I can be.'

'Your imagination is in your fists and groin. That is all there is of you. Go.'

And the floor suddenly isn't there anymore and I'm falling and sliding and slithering back into my body just at the point they zap me with their beloved paddles.

-o-o-o-

I'm just about to sit and have something to eat when my cell rings. I sit and just look at it buzzing on the arm of the chair.

'Aren't you going to answer it?' Her nagging, nagging voice.

I pick it up and look at the caller. 'Oh for the love of god, now what?' I flip it open and put it to my ear. 'Green.' I snap and then listen to what the caller has to say. 'Fine.' I reply. 'Great. Just marvellous.' I pause. 'Well yes, do what you think you need to do. You want me to come over anyway?' I listen again to the superior voice on the other end. 'Well I'll just not bother then shall I? You seem to have everything under control there.' Another pause as I listen. 'Fine. Yes let me know, whatever. Goodbye.' And I flip it shut again. She's staring at me. Filthy and stinking she's lying there staring at me even though her eyes are closed. I thought she was going to say something but she doesn't. She's lying there on the couch again with the blanket pulled up over her. A relief. I didn't want to have to explain that call to her. I don't want to explain anything to her. I can smell her from here. I wouldn't be surprised if she had things crawling over her skin. I might have to check for that later. All this trouble I'm going through. All this stress and angst for her and she stinks. I stuff the sandwich into my mouth and try to take my eyes off her. She will get a call. I know she will in the end. They will want her back again. I'm sure of it. And then I can move out of this stinking hole and go back to my own nice clean apartment and my own nice clean life and forget this shit.

I get up and return my plate to the kitchen where I pile it up with the other dirty dishes. Not my job to do women's work but it doesn't look like my darling sister is going to do it. In a cupboard high on the wall is a pack of rat poison. I take it and look at the pack and smile. This certainly keeps the vermin under control. With great care I sprinkle some of this stuff around the edges of the cabinets in the kitchen…on the floor and then I walk back to where Cindy is lying probably sleeping again and I sprinkle some around the couch. I don't want to come back one day and find the rats have eaten her face off. Not that it would make too much difference now. I return to the kitchen and get some milk. Warm milk with something a little extra to give her a bit of a spark.

'Drink this Cindy.' I tell her and place the glass on the small table she has next to her. I've put a straw in the glass for her and as I sit myself back down on my chair and pretend to stare at the wall directly ahead, really I'm watching that skeletal hand with the skin which is turning yellow and tight move over and pick up the glass. Maybe I heard a ruffled 'Thank you.' But that might have been my imagination. I watch as she sips on the drink and then I get up again.

'I have to go out. You'll be OK?'

Was that a moan of assent?

Time to leave. 'Goodbye sis, I'll not be too long.'

-o-o-o-

We have what may or may not be a lead. We stand in the conference room and look at the list of name Arrowman gave us and a list of movies and photoshoots and other wonders he's involved in. I see raised eyebrows on Morgan and a frown coming from Prentiss. Dave has an unreadable expression on his face right now. There seems though to be a connection between the girls. Each of them though they had been working for Arrowman and his company for a while had been given an adjusted jobs list. One of his former employees had become ill and her "jobs" had been handed over to the other girls. It was a vague connection but the only one we had. Apart from that the three, because now we had three victims since Morgan had returned from his visit to check up on Kelly, had never worked together before. As individuals they had nothing in common; only the adjusted jobs listing. Arrowman told them that the other girl had been fired. She got too heavily into drugs, her looks were going, she was constantly late and just didn't come up to scratch anymore. He had her last known address but he assured us that if she was still in the state she was in last time he saw her she'd not be able to hold a gun up let alone have the strength to fire it.

'The force would blow her off her skinny little feet.'

He told us.

Her working name was Cin Haven and as she didn't live too far from here I decided to send Morgan and Dave over to bring her in for a small chat.

It was just as he pair of them got up to leave that my cell phone rang again. This time when I looked at the number I sighed and nodded to the team. 'Private call.' I mutter and leave the room quickly. It was Sam's school. They would like to get over there as quickly as possible. There has been an incident. They need to talk to me. I try to explain that Green could handle anything when I was not available, but they snapped back at me that Green was not going to come to the school and it was me who they wanted to talk to anyway. Wasn't Green just the baby sitter?

I know I've taken on too much and I still don't know why or how it came about. It's like some twisted nightmare jigsaw puzzle. I have all the pieces by I just don't seem able to put those pieces into the right places to get the picture to look normal and not some mad dark vision of failure.

I tell them to contact Green again. I tell them that it just is not possible for me to leave my work right now. Somewhere deep inside I know what I am doing is wrong. I should never have taken on this responsibility. The child need stability and not what I have to offer him; a baby sitter and me turning up occasionally late for my supper in time to see Sam falling asleep. This is wrong, but something is pulling me to that boy and it's not something I feel able to control. Maybe this is how Reid feels about the attachment he has with Flanders. No I'm not saying I'm going to leap into bed with Sam but I am wondering if both Flanders and Sam have the ability to somehow manipulate a person take from them what they need. In Reid's case it's sexual. In my case it's the need to parent and to show love. But it's not working out very well.

I back up the call to the school with a call to Green. 'Get over to the school and see what's going on. I will be there later.' I tell him. He sounds tired. I feel old. I feel as though in the past week I've aged ten years. I rub my eyes with my finger tips and just stand with my back against the wall wishing it was evening now. Wishing I could go home and sit and unzip my stress and feel that great wave of relief that I am finally home surrounded by my things and not death and rape and everything else which goes on around me all day and sometimes all night at work. My thoughts are disrupted when once again my phone rings. I put the phone to my ear and glance up to see Dave watching me. He knows I'm slipping. He's known for a long time. This call is from the hospital. Flanders has woken and making demands.

-o-o-o-

Demands. You could say I am making demands. As my back slapped down onto the bed after a nice zap with the paddles I ripped my hands out the restraints, pulled the crap off my eyes and slid the tube out of my throat and started talking.

'What in the name of fuck have you done to me?!' I can feel some of my hair is gone. I run my hands over the dressing on the side of my head and I can hear the alarmed squawking of people around me.

'Lie down and try to relax.' A voice says.

'Fuck you! You cut into my freaking brain! And you want me to relax?!' I think I might be shouting at them now, but my mind and body have gone into a full steam ahead adrenaline filled rage as I drag the straps off my legs and begin to slide off the bed.

'Mr Flanders, please, you must calm down and stay in bed.' The same voice as before.

I sneeze.

More cries of alarm from around me and a tentative hand touches my arm as I stand.

'I am fucking calm! Now where are my clothes?' I think I am walking forward but my eyes though can see it's light cannot actually see fuck all else.

'Mr Flanders!' The hand tightens on me and I stop moving and turn my head towards the voice.

'Get your fucking hand off me you silly bitch and get my clothes.'

A gasp and the hand goes. 'Well Mr Flanders there is no need to use that sort of language.'

I turn on the spot and it's much like that dark place I flip over into sometimes but in some kind of crazy reverse. 'There is every need for that sort of language sweetheart. You slice into my brain, you stuff tubes down my throat, you mutilate my hair, you strap my body to a bed and tape down my eyes and then you fucking well tell me to calm down? Have you lost your mind? Where the hell are my things?'

'You can't possibly leave the hospital, you have to have tests. You have a serious brain injury. You need to stay here.'

A rush of noise like people hurriedly vacating the room.

I sneeze again. I'm going to get a nose bleed. I can feel the tingle at the back of my nose and behind my eyes…and in what's left of my brain. 'I have a damned brain injury because some bastard sliced into me! Now get – me – my – fucking – clothes you whore!' I get a flash of an image and a sudden rush of information.

'But sir…you can't leave.' It almost sounds like she's about to burst into tears…oh wow…another sneeze and suddenly things come into focus.

'You missy will have to stop selling your body for the extra money you need for rent.' I stand and look at her. 'My clothes or shall I carry on?'

'I, I, I…..'

But she's still just standing there. 'Jimmy might not like it when he finds out that his pretty little blond nurse girlfriend is a whore.' YES! She's stepping back away from me with a look of "oh fuck" on her face. 'He might not like it that you suck boys off for a little bit extra money. He might not like that that pretty little place he thinks is reserved for him is actually a diseased hole of filth.'

'I'll get your clothes' she mutters and turns on her heel and walks to a closet thing.

'Thank you so much angel. See it wasn't that hard to do what I tell you now was it?'

'How do you know?' She's talking in a whisper.

'I guessed. You smell like a whore.' I smile at her.

-o-o-o-

How many times have I checked my email today? How many times have I double checked it? I've lost count. I need him to contact me again. I need to know that he really is there somewhere watching me. I've been pacing the apartment trying to work things out in my head but the thoughts are in a constant spin. One minute I am glad he's gone. That was a good thing. He dumped me and I reacted…that was the bad thing, but it's not really the point is it? I've never been totally free to choose before. Floyd was a part of my life long before that hot summer day when I was sixteen. I try to get him out of my head, but he just won't leave. I remember those innocent days where we played kid like games and had kid type adventures and he always kept an eye on me. He protected me. He made a promise to me…and that is a promise he's never broken. Not once that I can recall. I remember those innocent kisses…firstly on the cheek or the forehead or the back of my neck. Then the ones full on my lips. That was all though…a quick kiss. Not a sexual thing, more of a reassurance than anything. I'm not denying that things changed. Of course they changed and for me it was before I was sixteen. I felt the need to be with Floyd more and more. The need to smell that special smell he carries around with him. I need to lie back and look into his eyes and know – know that I am needed by him as much as he is needed by me. I remember that twisting deep in my stomach when he took my hand and we just walked together for mile upon mile; never talking just listening to each other breathing and feeling that hand holding onto mine tighten occasionally when he turned his head to look at me….to smile at me or maybe to plant a small kiss on the ear or side of my face. There was something different about him then. I never felt fear of him. Not really, not even when he slapped me around for not hurrying up when he told me, or for maybe asking too many questions about the blood over his clothes. He never told me where it came from, but I guessed and right back when I was a kid and he was those few years older, back then those few years meant a hell of a lot more than they do now. He was the older kid. The bigger kid. The one no one would argue with – well not more than once anyway. There was a strange bond between us. I knew if I fell asleep in some old shed he'd taken me to, or an abandoned trailer in the desert, I knew that he'd be sitting there all night watching me. I knew I was completely safe from everything except for his eyes and mouth.

That day when I was sixteen though, not actually on by birthday but some months later, that was when things changed. Before then he was my strange companion. My buddy. A guy I hung with more and more especially once Jeff moved away. Sometimes he checked over my homework for me but he never helped me with anything though I'm sure he could have if he'd wanted to or if I'd asked. But that day we sat in the shade out the back of an empty building. I think he'd been squatting in it. There was a small area which he'd placed down a blanket and we lie on our stomachs and we were reading to each other some poetry. And that was the day he claimed me. As we read I felt his hand moving over my back and then sliding up between my sweaty skin and my Tshirt. I knew what he wanted. I would have been a complete fool not to know and though I was scared as he gently pushed me so I was lying on my back and he moved to kneel and look down at me I didn't once ask him to stop.

Floyd showed me pleasure such as I never imagined.

And I remember him saying something, which I think just that once he actually meant.

'I'm sorry if I hurt you.'

And yes he did, and I really do think he was sorry. Back then.

The sudden light tapping on the door pulls me out of my memories and I glance up at the clock and realise I've been standing here reminiscing for hours. It is now nearly seven in the evening. The tapping starts again. Four light taps. I wonder if it's Hotch. It could be this time of night and that phone call earlier was a bit strange. I don't really want to talk to Hotch right now. I want a soak in the tub and I want to carry on thinking of about things I have lost, not because of anyone's fault but just through time.

Again the tapping…and I cannot ignore it. If it's Hotch he will see I am OK but tired and he will be satisfied and he'll leave. I don't even check that it is Hotch the other side of the door so convinced am I that my assumption is right. I pull the door open and he is standing there. Floyd.

'Oh.' I don't know what else to say. He's never knocked on my door before.

'I've been doing some thinking.' He says to me. He looks a mess. There are smears of blood up the side of his face. He is dirty and he has that familiar smell of death and dirt to him. He's in a black short sleeved shirt and a pair of low cut black jeans. He's encrusted with blood. He has a wooly hat pulled down over his head and his hair is sticking out in weird clumps.

'I have too.' I don't invite him in.

'I really thought for a stupid minute back then that I could walk away from you.' He puts a hand out and places it on the side of my face. 'But I can't.'

Again I don't know what to say to him except for. 'Do you want to come in and have a coffee…a smoke?'

He nods slowly at me and as I step out of the way and lose contact with his hand he reaches out and grabs my hand and walks into my apartment slamming the door behind him self with his booted foot.

'Why didn't you just let yourself in.' I ask as he drags me towards the kitchen.

'I wanted to be invited I guess.'

'And you guessed I would ask you in?'

'I had no idea what you'd do. Look Spence I need to tell you something.' He lets go of my hand and stands looking at the coffee machine and rubs the palms of his hands on the side of his jeans.

'It's OK Floyd. You don't have to explain,' I move in and get the coffee machine started up as it looks as though Floyd will stand there forever staring at it trying to will it in to working.

'No, Spence you don't understand. You know Gary?'

My hand freezes over the coffee mug I just placed on the counter. I turn to look at Floyd. 'Gary?'

'Gary the guy who fucked you without protection.'

'Oh that Gary.' I go back to looking at the coffee mug and now it's me willing milk and sugar into it by staring.

'Well I sort of sorted it so he won't do that again. Not to anyone. Actually he won't be doing much of anything to anyone again. Ever.'

I want to ask what he did, but I know. I don't have to ask. I can see by the blood behind his fingernails and that smell on his breath. I know what he's done and I'm sure it will be on the local news later. 'You shouldn't have done that.'

'Yes babes, yes I should have. He really wasn't a very nice person. He's been infecting blokes for months. I couldn't let him do that.'

I think I've stopped breathing as the memory of the fear Gary made me have comes rushing back. Floyd places his hands on my shoulders and pulls me around to face him. 'It's going to be alright babes. We are going to be alright. I've sorted Gary and now I have to sort you, but the way I sort you is going to be far more pleasurable for both of us, I can assure you of that.'

I place my hands on Floyds hips. 'Has he infected me Floyd?' I know he could tell. I know he knows if Gary did or not.

'Of course he bloody infected you!' and a quick kiss on the mouth, 'but you don't have to worry. I can sort you out. It will take about an hour or so is all. Do you think you can take me for that long?'

'I think I will have to give it a try now won't I?'