By Candlelight

by nightfalcon222

In the midst of a terrible war, Kagome finds herself a slave in a place of nightmares. Her old life gone, her identity a dangerous secret, she searches for solace, for life. When she finds it in Inuyasha, he becomes her guiding light in the dark...

12. Silent Screams

Disclaimer: I do not own Inuyasha.

A/N: This chapter contains some content about religion, beliefs, etc. I will NOT tolerate flames about the references to atheism, faith, or anything of the like. I don't intend to offend anybody and I am not at all trying to convert anybody, so I'm sorry if someone takes it the wrong way, but please try to be open-minded. I have better things to do than listen to somebody preach to me.

.x.x.

Chapter 12- Silent Screams

.x.x.

I remember when I could speak

When my song

Was bright and loud

I remember when I was heard

When ears listened

To my calls

When I could speak

My song was beautiful

My song was mine

And me

But ears deafened

And my song

Was lost.

.x.x.

Kagome felt like she was suffocating.

She couldn't recall ever feeling so suppressed, so frustrated, so desperate, as while she stood in the Square with Koharu. It wasn't heartbreak, it wasn't agony. It was fear, desperation, helplessness.

Longing.

She remained in the Square for the last hour they had, talking to Koharu, trying to keep her mind off of Inuyasha. Koharu had made it very clear that he was forbidden, out of bounds. Not that Kagome intended to listen to this order. If I can disobey the King of the North, Kagome thought, I can certainly disobey Koharu.

But deep inside, she knew the difference between her father and Koharu… and it wasn't their stature. Her father was the King, the leader, and as she'd recently learned, the tyrant. More than anything else, more than being her father, the man was a ruler and a stranger.

Koharu was her companion… and Kagome knew that regardless of their disagreements, she was only looking out for her welfare.

But that doesn't mean I have to listen.

She knew that Koharu didn't understand her need to see Inuyasha, to talk him, to hear his voice and know that he was there… thinking about her. Kagome herself didn't quite understand this need—all she knew that it was there, inexplicable, unfathomable, and utterly undefeatable. The need was an aching, a hunger, a yearning set so deep within her mind that Kagome doubted it could ever be satiated.

The need was dangerous.

Koharu was frightened of Inuyasha, this she understood—perhaps not of the man himself, but of the misfortune he could cause. But she's wrong, Kagome thought vehemently. He would never betray us.

She knew this with all her heart and soul, she knew it with her racing breath and clenched fists… and yet despite her certainty, she couldn't help but wonder if she was wrong.

Kagome glanced toward the fence again, resolving to go talk to him regardless of what Koharu might say… only to find that he was not where he had been when they had left him. Instead of having waited for her to come back, instead of watching her, perhaps thinking about her, Inuyasha was back at the other side of the Square… talking to Miroku, his back to her… not turning around even once to spare her a glance.

Was it unreasonable of her to feel a twinge of hurt?

Selfish, selfish, Kagome chided. He doesn't belong to you. Why should he wait for you to come back? What motive would he have to sit beside an unforgiving fence… waiting for a girl who left him alone?

But despite these self accusations, she couldn't help but tell herself it was not her fault. She had not chosen to leave him. She had been dragged away by Koharu, whom she had quickly learned was a lot stronger than her, despite her age.

If it had been left up to Kagome, she would have sat there talking to him for hours, days, years. Therefore… it was not her fault that she had left him by the fence.

But does he know that? She thought softly, watching him on the other side of the fence, so far away… too far. Should I tell him? Explain?

Maybe… should I…?

Suddenly, although it was many yards away, the fence began to draw closer, filling up her vision. Everything else vanished: Koharu, the grass, the Maidens… there was just the fence. Sitting.

Waiting.

Kagome shook her head roughly, dispelling her wistful longing.

.x.x.

The days passed.

Kagome fell into a routine. Mornings were the same every day: quiet, humming with a living tension which thrived upon Kagome's nervousness. Her hands would be steady as she served breakfast, but inside, she would be shaking, itching to jump out of her skin, to run, to fly, to scream. To do something… something besides nothing. Every morning she felt herself sinking within herself, felt her mind slipping away, felt her hands and feet falling into a predictable pattern… a pattern of thoughtlessness, of monotony.

She hated this feeling.

The only outlet she had for her restlessness, during the mornings, was Inuyasha: a brief meeting of the eyes, a short touch of the hands, a smirk. It might not seem like much, it might seem like a joy broadened by desperation, but to Kagome, it was everything. Those moments, when he would look at her and she would look at him, and they would know that they shared something forbidden, kept her alive on those silent mornings.

They helped her make it to the Square, and the Square, though a source of great frustration, was also a symbol of peace.

The frustration came from the fence, from Inuyasha, from Koharu. Every day Kagome would enter the Square with Koharu, and while she talked to her, while they forced laughs or smiles, grimaced or frowned, part of her would be watching the fence. Always, that part of her would keep its eyes on the man who, somehow, captivated her.

The man she barely spoke to.

Kagome had barely spoken to him since the day when Koharu dragged her away from him; not because she was afraid of speaking to him, but because she hadn't found the time. Breakfast was not an opportunity to socialize, and neither, it seemed, was the Square… at least, not while Koharu was there. Koharu created a tension, Kagome had learned; a tension which Kagome found most stressful. It was impossible to talk to him, to really talk to him, when she was right there next to them, casting small, disapproving glances Kagome's way every other minute.

This part of Koharu, the part which stuck so obstinately to the rules, irritated Kagome. But I've never been one to stick to the rules, Kagome thought, frowning, So perhaps I'm being judgmental.

But judgmental or not, the fact remained that Koharu was becoming just as potent as the fence in separating her from Inuyasha… which, Kagome was beginning to think, might be one of Koharu's goals.

But still: Koharu was a friend, and Kagome valued her caring far too much to toss her away.

She's just trying to look out for me. She's just trying to do what's best.

But part of Kagome was tired of people trying to make decisions for her.

.x.x.

Their days in the Square ended, and their new shift began. At first Kagome wasn't sure how to react: those mornings in the Square after breakfast were her time of reflection, of peace. They were the moments which kept her sane, and also the moments which drove her nearly insane with frustration, for these were the moments when she could nearly smell freedom, nearly feel it on her fingertips, hear it whispering in her ears.

These were the moments when she could do what she so loved to do: think. And without them, Kagome feared she might lose herself to the despair which sometimes threatened to suffocate her.

But leaving the Square, beginning a cleaning shift, had its advantages: the main one being that they could meet with Sango, once again becoming a threesome, a whole… a whole into which Kagome knew she was being quickly accepted.

Kagome had never been part of a whole before, and although it gratified her to know that they cared about her, it also instilled a small, nagging concern, a fear which pricked the back of her mind, pervaded her spirit when she let down her guard.

A fear which she couldn't abolish, no matter how she tried.

The fear of being discovered.

How would Koharu and Sango react if they knew who she was? What would Inuyasha, whom she barely saw in person anymore and yet saw constantly in her thoughts, think of her if he knew the truth?

And after spending night after night mulling over these questions, Kagome came to the dreaded conclusion.

They would hate her.

It wouldn't be their fault; the hatred would be innate, out of their control, something which would exist perhaps even if they didn't notice it. For how could they not hate her? How could they not hate a girl fed rice out of gold-rimmed, porcelain bowls, how could they not hate a girl created partially by the man who was in a way responsible for their poverty?

It wouldn't matter that she was Kagome. If they knew the truth, she would only ever be Princess Higurashi.

Kagome sometimes cried to sleep at nights. Dreams of her smiling mother morphed into nightmares: a stern, unsmiling man shaking his head in disappointment, turning her away. You are not my daughter, not my daughter, not my daughter. And she would say, You are not my father, not my father, not my father.

And he would tell her that it was the truth, and he would push her away, and she would stumble through the darkness, searching and searching for something she could never see… she was blind, begging for crumbs of bread, begging for something which might help her regain her sight… and nobody would listen. Sango, Koharu, Inuyasha, Miroku, sometimes all at once, sometimes just a faceless name, they would turn her away.

You are not our friend, not our friend, not our friend.

You are not my daughter, not my daughter, not my daughter.

You are nothing, nothing, nothing, nothing…

And Kagome would wake up, panting, broken out into a sweat, with only one thought in her mind.

The truth, which was that she belonged nowhere.

In her waking hours, her friends were a source of comfort, the small candles which lit her way down a dark and narrow path, allowing her to see. But they were unreliable, these candles… their lights, without warning or mercy, could be snuffed by unseen forces, leaving Kagome lost.

This, too, was a nightmare of hers. For she knew that by candlelight, she could never make her way through the dark.

She wouldn't survive.

Kagome found herself doing something she hadn't done in a long time, hadn't done since her mother's death: praying. She'd been raised a religious girl, following the hymns and the blessings and the commands and all that her upbringing had impressed upon her. It had comforted her, when she was a child, to think that there was a divine force overseeing the scheme of things… to think that there was something, someone watching over her, over everyone. Her father had never been one to encourage direct prayer, but her mother had told her that she should pray as she saw fit. Think of God as her friend, her companion, her guide through the narrow, winding path of life. He lit the candles which showed her the way, He kept them burning to help her through.

That was what everyone had said, and Kagome only knew what she was told… which was that they would never dim, those candles, as long as she had faith.

When Kagome's mother died, the candlelight died with her.

Why, Kagome had asked herself, should the divine scheme of things take away the one she loved most in the entire world? Why, she had demanded, did an all-powerful spirit—one which never spoke to her, never comforted her, never did anything for her except give her an idea of hope—have the right to break her heart?

That was when she had decided that He didn't have the right… and that she didn't owe Him anything.

From then on, Kagome lit her own candles.

She began to feel in control of her own life, in control of her own power and her own path. Fearful, she had been at first, walking through the dark… but fear quickly turned to excitement. Lighting those candles, guiding her own way, had sent a surge of exhilaration through her… an exhilaration which she had craved, which she learned she had always craved.

Path by path, she'd made her choices, until finally she made the biggest choice of her life… the one which brought her here.

This thought, pressing forth upon her, demanding to emerge into the light, was what had Kagome kneeling on the grass during her first Break since their shift had changed… also the first Break when it was just her. No Koharu. No Sango.

Just Kagome, on her knees beside the fence, head bowed, eyes closed.

Chewing her lip.

Trying to pray.

Utterly ashamed.

"This is ridiculous," she said softly, not opening her eyes, not daring to move.

Praying… it made her feel weak, vulnerable, useless, naïve. It was the resort of the desperate—not of those of devout faith, like her nanny had told her, but of those without faith… without faith in themselves. And Kagome had always had faith in herself, always had faith in her decisions, her intelligence.

But now… now she had nowhere to turn, for she felt that she had betrayed herself.

It's my fault. It's my fault that I'm here.

Where would she be now, if she had listened to her father, if she had married Hojo? Sitting with the general somewhere, in a stiff dress, face blank. Back straight, tea in hand, face white with powder… not grey with grime. She would be safe, just like her father had wanted her to be.

She would also be dying inside, as opposed to here, where she was literally dying.

Kagome clasped her hands together, closed her eyes tightly, held back tears, and prayed.

I'm sorry, she thought. She felt stupid, juvenile. I don't know what to say. What to ask for. Smiling slightly, a sad, broken smile, she asked, Can you even hear me? Are you even there? Do you know who I am?

But would a God listen to a girl who questioned His existence?

Kagome shook her head, biting her lip. I need help. Please. Anything.

She could see it all in her mind's eye: Koharu… returning late at night, only Kagome awake. Bruises on her neck and arms. Sitting in the bath, glassy-eyed, unaware that two wide, teary eyes were staring at her all the while.

Sango. Punched in the face by a guard whom she had sneered at.

All these futures… these terrible, dismal futures… these futures which Kagome didn't want a part of, and yet which she knew she was a part of…

Kagome didn't think she could take her friends' suffering much longer… and she was sure that when she joined them, when she was faced with the choice and made it, when she chose which dark, unlit path to follow… it would destroy her.

"Send me a sign," she whispered. "Please. Anything."

"What are you doing?"

The voice made Kagome jump, nearly hitting her head on the fence. Her head whipped upwards—to find Inuyasha, face inches away from hers, nose hidden from view by a beam of wood.

Kagome's breath caught.

"Uh, hi," she said, too stunned to think of anything else. Her eyes were wide, her face warming up… she could feel it coming on, those easy blushes which she so detested. The blushes which could never be suppressed, no matter how she tried to hide them.

Her cheeks reddened, and inwardly, she groaned.

Inuyasha's eyes widened slightly when he noticed her pink cheeks, and he felt the urge to blush, too, but of course he didn't. Blushing was not something for a man to do… and Inuyasha would rather dig out his own eyeballs than blush in front of Kagome.

So instead he dropped to the ground in front of her, cross-legged, eyebrows raised. "'Uh, hi?'" he said skeptically. She blushed deeper. He rolled his eyes, smirking briefly before frowning at her and saying again, a touch of dubiousness mixing with the confusion, "What the hell are you doing on the ground?"

She bit her lip, and because she couldn't resist, because it let a tiny smile creep upon her lips, because it would delay her answer, she teased, "You could ask nicely."

He gawked at her.

Kagome sighed, fidgeting. She knew he wouldn't understand why she was doing it… why she needed to, even if she herself didn't know why it felt so necessary. She wasn't sure how she knew this, but she knew it instinctively: he wouldn't understand. He would judge her, he would think she was a fool…

But doesn't he already think I'm a fool?

This thought depressed her enough to say so quietly she could barely hear her own words, "Praying."

His eyebrows arched skyward.

"Why the hell are you doing that?" Inuyasha demanded, as if the very idea were shocking.

Because I'm stupid. Because I'm weak. Because I'm trapped. "B-because I want to!" she said immediately, glaring, biting the inside of her cheek. He didn't understand. Of course he doesn't understand, she thought, chagrined. I knew he wouldn't understand.

And yet to hear his harsh words, to see his eyes ridicule her, made it seem so much worse.

She shook her head minutely, whispering, "You don't understand. This… this is why I waited till I was alone to do this."

He seemed to understand that by alone she meant not in the presence of any of her friends… and that she hadn't realized that he was here. But still, he found himself retorting anyway, found the words spilling out before he could think about him… found himself doing what he always did, every single time, which was put his foot in his mouth.

"Obviously," he growled, "You're not alone."

Kagome winced… not so much because of his words as because of the undertone. The tone which said, Stupid. Stupid. Stupid.

But what she didn't know was that he wasn't calling her stupid so much as himself.

She found herself biting back, doing the thing she least wanted to do: snap at him. "I'm not asking you to understand," Kagome said bitingly, no longer meeting his eyes, unable to hold their golden glare. They're beautiful, she thought. So, so beautiful, so intelligent, so alive… and they think that I'm stupid. "If you're here to criticize me, please go away."

Please don't go away. Please stay here. Please tell me you understand… please try to understand…

This was the plea she made in her head, the plea which her soul cried and her words refused to reveal. But maybe Inuyasha could sense it, the plea, the sorrow, the hurt… for his glare softened and he looked away, saying the only words which could have made her look at him again.

"I'm not here to criticize you. I… I'm sorry."

And without regard to her will, without regard to her wishes, her body obeyed her heart and her eyes turned to his… catching his averted gaze, drawing it slowly back to her.

"Look, Kagome… I miss talking to you," he said in a rush, as if trying to get the words out before he could change his mind, retreat, run away.

She smiled: a real smile, a genuine smile, a smile without inhibitions. "Me, too," she confessed. "It feels like it's been forever. Now that you're here, I don't want to fight."

Her eyes said what her words didn't.

He nodded, grinning. "Good."

A pause, a nervous pause running with hope, with tension, with questions. She took the time, during this pause, to analyze his face, taking in his straight, slightly curved nose, his defined jaw, his glowing, golden eyes, shining silver bangs which fell in a disarray across his forehead. Kagome found her hand twitching, longing to touch it… to touch that hair, that cheek, that brow, those ears…

Reddening slightly, she demanded of herself to stop, to check herself, to regain control. Why would she think these things? Why would she think such improper things about a man she barely knew?

And yet she knew why.

I've only know him for a few days; I don't know his past, his family, not even his last name. And yet… I know him better than I've known any other man before in my life.

What had she spoken about when she had talked to Hojo, danced with Suikotsu? The War? Landscaping? Health, influenza? Fashion trends, business transactions, upcoming parties and teas? Trivial things, boring things… the superficiality of it all had always aggravated her.

But Inuyasha… Inuyasha was different.

It was with a small sense of awe that she realized, He is the first man I have ever truly known. It's no wonder why I… why I already…

But she was new to this, to this part of life, this part of living which she'd always longed for, always waited for… which she hadn't exactly imagined to happen like this. And so although a part of her knew her feelings, accepted them, the other part blocked them out, kept them hidden in a vault deep within her mind… a vault only to be opened when she was ready.

Kagome had been so deep in thought that when he spoke again, she nearly flinched, wrenched out of her reverie. He quirked his head, eyes openly curious as he muttered, "So… I'm not ridiculing you, you know. I just want to understand. Why were you praying?"

She pulled up a blade of grass. Another. She'd noticed this about herself, this nervous habit. One by one, the grass died, becoming an outlet for her confusion, her doubts which she did not reveal on her face.

"I don't know."

Another blade.

He grimaced at her. "What do you mean?"

She sighed, frowning slightly, folding her hands in her lap. "Are you really interested?" Kagome asked suspiciously, not entirely sure why she was suspicious.

Inuyasha glared. "Of course I'm interested. If I wasn't, why would I ask?"

But despite his harshness, a grin crept upon her face as she said, "Sorry. I don't know why I said that."

And he was confused at her words, at how her grin did not match them. She, however, knew exactly what spawned the grin: relief. And she also knew that her words were a lie.

I was comparing him to them, she realized. The ones in my old life… who would ask, ask anything, even if they didn't care… just to be polite…

But Inuyasha wasn't interested in being polite, and that was one of the reasons she trusted him. And suddenly she was overcome by it all, by everything, by his honesty and her revelation… suddenly she found herself smiling brightly. "Thank you," she found herself saying. Again and again. "Thank you. Thank you."

For being here. For keeping me sane. Thank you. Thank you so much.

He reddened briefly and then made a noise which elicited a giggle from Kagome. "Keh. What are you thanking me about?"

When he realized she wasn't answering, and also that she was, somehow, laughing, he frowned and asked, "And why are you laughing?"

"You said keh," she explained. Or perhaps chose. What were the other reasons, after all? Just to laugh, to know she still could, when she felt that day by day, her ability to laugh was slipping through her fingertips? Giddiness, from his presence, his proximity…?

But he didn't notice these other answers, for he growled, "I know that."

And she smiled at him… effectively wiping away all his frustration, leaving him only with a sigh and two questions, one of which was for him, one for her… which he asked.

"Does praying help you?"

His voice was oddly quiet as he said that, eyes serious, face sincere. Her smile was wiped off her face as she pondered his question… and the answer, the answer which she wasn't sure she wanted to find.

Kagome shrugged, saying evasively, "Why shouldn't it?"

"I don't know. A lot of people pray. You don't see it too often around here, though… and honestly, I don't get the point."

Her eyes snapped up to meet his, frowning as she asked, "What do you mean, you don't get the point?"

It wasn't that she criticized his confusion. It wasn't that she couldn't understand it. Rather, it filled her with a nervous excitement, a small, small hope… a hope that maybe he shared her questions, her doubt.

Inuyasha replied flatly, "I don't get the point of talking to some spirit that never talks back."

Kagome's breath caught.

"Really?" she whispered, eyes wide, trying desperately to tell him how much that meant to her… if it were true. How much she needed it to be true.

How can you say that so openly? She wondered, staring at him. How can you announce your lack of faith where anyone could hear…?

She could never have said something like that at home. Never have dared even mention such a blasphemous idea, such an impossible notion… even Kagome had known better than to admit her lack of faith. Even here, she couldn't quite bring herself to tell the truth: that she wasn't praying because she expected or wanted an answer.

His eyes narrowed as he scrutinized her, trying to fish out the truth which she was afraid to say… that she only said in her head, spoken by a tiny, faint voice which saw beyond the fear and straight to the core of her heart.

You don't believe you'll get a sign. You just want to return to the time when you would have believed it.

But it was a time long gone… a time of a child whom Kagome had left behind, a past life she could not recover.

Do you understand? She asked mentally, staring at Inuyasha, willing him to speak. Do you know my fear?

"Yeah," he muttered, and for a second she thought he was replying to her thoughts. But he wasn't, and he only said, "Yeah. Really."

Kagome closed her eyes, overwhelmed simultaneously by disappointment and elation. "How can you say that so openly?" she asked. "Wouldn't people disapprove?"

He rolled his eyes a little at that, casting her a small, wry smirk. "It's not like anyone can sentence you to anything much worse than the Cells."

Kagome smirked a smirk of her own. "I suppose that's true."

"I wanted to know something," he said suddenly, his smirk gone. Repressing his nervousness, he asked, "You agree with me, don't you? About the praying thing? You don't believe in it either."

The natural response would have been an indignant rebuke, a nauseating self-righteousness which would have triggered Kagome's gag reflex. That was the ingrained response, the safe response… the response which would always guarantee one's safety in the minefield which is the world of faith. For in the world of faith, take one wrong step and you land on a bomb… a bomb which will obliterate you, destroying your life and tainting the lives of anyone connected with you.

But this time, Kagome didn't follow the safe route. This time, she stepped right into the minefield and risked destruction by admitting something for the first time, something which she had never admitted to anyone.

"No," she whispered, unsure why she wasn't afraid. "I don't."

Inuyasha smiled. "Didn't think so. But if you don't believe in it, why are you bothering to pretend that you do?"

Because you wish you believed in it. Because you're a coward.

"Because I'm afraid," she said softly. "And I can't think of anything else to do."

Her words rang true in their ears, truer and deeper than anything she could recall saying since her arrival. Her words spoke of an ancient pain, a deep-rooted doubt in herself and the world which until this moment, she had never allowed to touch the surface.

Inuyasha grimaced a little, twisting a blade of grass between two fingers. "Look," he muttered, "I'm terrible at comforting people."

Kagome surprised him by laughing at that. Weakly, yes, but still a laugh. Still a smile, still a lurch of the heart. "You're wrong about that, you know," she confessed. "When we first met… I felt like I was going to die. I was confused, afraid, broken… you really saved me. Just by talking to me, you saved me."

He frowned at her. "You're not one to hold things back, are you?"

She bit her lip, wishing that were true, wishing he was right. Offering him a forced grin, she said, "I'm not sure about that, but… I felt I needed to say what I said. I've been thinking about it ever since the first day, when we met… how I never really thanked you."

"Good to know I'm appreciated," he said wryly.

Almost unconsciously, he leaned forward, his hair nearly brushing against the fence posts. Kagome, too, felt herself leaning in, until their foreheads nearly touched, until she was brimming with the overwhelming desire to press her head to the fence… to sink through it, into his arms. And for a moment she dreamed, dreamed of discovering a second hole in the fence, of flying through it, of falling into his warm embrace and drifting away to sleep…

She felt a sharp pain in her temples and realized that she had actually knocked her head into the fence.

Stupid, she thought softly, pulling herself away, embarrassed. What on Earth made you do that…?

He raised his eyebrows at her, and she reddened. "Sorry! I… uh… didn't mean to do that," she said, laughing abashedly.

"It's okay," he said, grinning. "It was pretty funny. I don't usually think things are funny, so… I'll forgive it."

They shared a smile, but somehow, this smile felt more intimate than any other they had shared. Somehow, as they looked into each other's eyes, they felt as if they were falling into the depths of the other's soul… swimming through their secrets, their fears, their hopes, their dreams… a sea of emotion and pure life which might drown them…

Shaken, they broke the connection, equally unnerved.

Kagome's heart raced as she stared at the post in front of his right eye… focusing on the wood, the fence, the stick. Not on him, just an inch behind it. Not on the eye blocked from view, not on the other, unfocused, trained on something just above her head. Kagome had the urge to turn around, to see what he was looking at, but she knew that she would find nothing.

"I…"

But what could she say? What could she say to explain the rapid beating of her heart, the sudden catching of her breath, the haze clouding her eyes? What could she say to excuse them both for some phenomenon she could not even name?

Did he feel it, too?

She asked the question because she needed to, because she couldn't help but have the smallest doubt… but she knew with close to certainty that the answer was yes.

"Dorms 21-30! Get over here!"

Kagome and Inuyasha whipped around to see a guard stepping into the Warriors' side of the Square—and with a lurch of the heart, she realized she recognized him. Her eyes widened with a combination of horror and fury, her fists clenching so tightly that she thought her nails might cut into her palms. She knew that voice. She knew that face.

Kouga.

Kagome hissed under her breath, glaring daggers at the man… the man who had threatened her. The man who had slapped her. The man who had let an innocent woman die, bleeding, alone.

A man she loathed with all the energy in her body.

"I fucking hate that guy," Inuyasha growled.

Kagome stared at him, surprised not by the words, but by his voice, his tone: a tone of pure loathing, just like the glare emanating from her eyes. A tone not like what he had used when he'd taunted the other guard, not like a hatred for guards in general, but a special tone: a tone reserved for those who merited a special kind of loathing.

His eyes shot fire as he glared at Kouga.

"Do you know him?" Kagome asked in surprise.

He grimaced, not elaborating further than to say, "Yeah." Frowning at her, noticing for the first time how her blood boiled beneath her skin, he asked, "Do you hate him, too?"

Kagome turned her eyes away from him, slowly coming to rest them again on Kouga, and replied coldly, "Yeah."

The icy rage in her own voice unnerved her.

Inuyasha got to his feet. She stood as well, grimacing in disappointment when he muttered, "I'd better go. I'm dorm 24."

She sighed minutely. "Where are you going?"

"Mines, maybe," he said, shrugging. "Or lumber."

Kagome was filled with a sudden curiosity, and couldn't resist asking, "So… you go beyond the walls, right? They can't have forests or mines within the Cells."

"Yeah, we go beyond the walls."

She bit her lip. "I envy you. It kills me, thinking that I might—"

But she cut herself off, for these were words she could not say, words she dared not think… possibilities she could not believe. He seemed to understand her unfinished thought, her longing, her fear, for he said with a small smirk, "Don't envy me. It doesn't feel free when you're chained by the foot in a labor line."

Kagome shuddered at that, wondering if, had she been made a Laborer, she would be suffering the same fate… wondering if she might have preferred that. "At least you get to go outside," she said. "It must be worth something."

And he looked at her with those golden eyes of his, those golden eyes which sometimes showed a knowledge beyond his years… the golden eyes which held oceans of sadness, and even worse, pity. It took all her concentration not to lose her temper, not to snap at him, for she knew that his pity wasn't intended to hurt, to offend. It was just… there. He couldn't help it. She shouldn't take it personally.

And yet she did take it personally. But that didn't make her any more eager for him to leave.

"Oi! Inuyasha, what the hell are you doing?"

She jumped and he snarled low in his throat, both turning to face Kouga, who was taking long strides toward them. Kagome was numb as the guard approached, paralyzed as she realized that she was in danger… the very same danger which her friends had tried to protect her from.

She'd been caught with a Warrior… talking to a Warrior.

She wanted to duck her head, hide her face, and yet when she saw Inuyasha stand tall and look Kouga in the eye, just the idea of hiding shamed her. Kagome straightened her shoulders, arched her back, jerked her chin up. And maybe it was the fact that Inuyasha was giving her strength, or maybe it was the fact that there was a fence between them, but she managed to meet Kouga's gaze… which, she realized, was not directed at her.

"What the hell are you two doing?" Kouga demanded, even though he was looking at Inuyasha.

Inuyasha glared at him, rolling his eyes. "None of your business, wolf shit. Now back off, before I have to make you."

Kouga rolled his eyes, grinning at him… but it wasn't a friendly grin. Wasn't even a menacing grin. And yet somehow, it chilled Kagome even more than a threat.

"Get over there with the others, Inuyasha. Before we have to teach you a lesson again."

Kagome got the feeling that Kouga enjoyed being so condescending, so antagonizing… she got the feeling that every word he said brought him an intense pleasure, a feeling of superiority.

It made her sick.

She didn't know what made her say the next words, didn't know what inspired her bravery, her courage—or perhaps it was stupidity, recklessness. She thought of Inuyasha, of Sango: fearless. She didn't think of them at the Field, having the skin of their backs whipped off, or being punched in the face or punished. Instead, she thought of them in their glory, doing what made them incredible people: never standing down.

In that moment of insane bravado, Kagome took after them.

"Leave him alone," she growled, glaring at Kouga. "You're nothing but a coward."

Kouga stiffened, and so did she, and so did Inuyasha. Her words beginning to sink in, her eyes widening, she realized exactly what she had done… and the mistake she might have made.

But Kouga didn't look at her right away. Instead he smirked at Inuyasha and said, "Looks like the half breed found a friend."

"Fuck you—"

Kouga caught Inuyasha's fist in midair, smirking at him. "Get over there with the others… while I talk to your woman."

That was when Kagome knew she was done for.

She couldn't think about their familiarity, the way they spoke, the way they acted… like rivals, like equals, like people who had known each other for a long time. She couldn't think about the fury in Inuyasha's eyes, glowing gold as he yelled with a tinge of fear, "Leave her alone!" She could think about none of these things, interesting though they were… for the only thing she could think about was Kouga, his ice blue eyes turning to meet hers… and widening.

"You!" he said, not in horror, not in anger, but in open surprise.

Kagome stared, stunned. "You… you remember me?" she asked, all anger temporarily forgotten. How on Earth could he remember her? Yes, she remembered him, but of course she did; she hated him. But to him, she was just another Maiden, one in a thousand whose faces he couldn't all recall.

Inuyasha stared at them, as surprised as she was. "How do you know each other?" he demanded.

Kouga didn't answer him. Instead he shook his head, grimacing at her, and muttered, "Why am I not surprised that it's you who's stupid enough to be caught talking to dog boy?"

Kagome ignored Inuyasha's growls at the name, and perhaps she might have found it funny, but she was too frightened. "Why do you remember me?" she demanded, staring at Kouga, wide-eyed.

Kouga raised an eyebrow at her. "You fucking hit me," he said flatly. "It's not the kind of thing you forget when some woman slaps you across the face."

Kagome wasn't sure whether to feel proud or terrified.

Meanwhile, Inuyasha guffawed, looking utterly delighted. Grinning widely at her, he demanded, as if to make sure it was true, "You hit him?"

"I didn't think it was anything wonderful at the time," she muttered. Especially since he hit me back.

Kouga seemed to be sharing her memory. Glaring at Inuyasha, he growled, "Yeah, she did, and she paid for it."

Kagome watched as Inuyasha went oddly still. She saw a muscle twitch in his face, saw his eyes widen, saw him fight to repress the fury and concern which rose in his eyes… his fists tightened as he turned a deadly glare on Kouga. Had that glare been aimed at her, she would have quailed, but as it was, Kouga looked him in the eye and didn't back down.

"If you hurt her…" Inuyasha trailed off, and she could see that it was taking every ounce of his self control not to punch Kouga right there, right then.

"Cool off. I just hit her back, and she should have gotten much worse. She should be grateful," he spat.

Kagome winced. She could still feel the sting on her face, the crack in her neck, the jolt of pain in her elbow when it collided with the wall. And she knew that maybe she should be grateful, maybe she should be glad that she had not ended up like that Laborer, but she couldn't manage to feel an ounce of gratitude.

Not to Kouga. Never to Kouga.

Abruptly, Inuyasha kicked Kouga in the groin. Kagome watched in horror as the guard stumbled, moaning, bent over, glaring daggers. "I don't think that girls like her deserve to get flogged for being stupid," Kouga growled, and Kagome might have bristled if she hadn't been waiting for what he said next, for the threat: "But I wouldn't mind having the pleasure of ripping out a few of your arteries in front of everyone in the Cells."

"You would kill him!" Kagome cried out unthinkingly.

Kouga smirked at her. "He may not be a full demon, but even a half breed like him would survive a scratch like that."

Half breed. She noticed it now, the way he said the words, as if just the sound of them disgusted him, left a bad taste on his tongue. Kagome glanced at Inuyasha, saw him standing still, looking unafraid—rather satisfied, actually, she noticed. She didn't at first notice the fury, the anger, the pain… not until she saw his eyes.

Kagome couldn't stand to see that look: not in his eyes, and not in anyone's.

"Stop calling him that," she said abruptly. "Why are you calling him that?"

Kouga and Inuyasha stared at her. "Stay out of it," Inuyasha said abruptly. "I can take care of myself."

Eyes softening with hurt, Kagome muttered, "Fine. Then do. I was just trying to help."

Silence. Sadness. Tension.

Inwardly, Inuyasha swore. But he didn't have the time to apologize, to explain… not in front of Kouga. Not now. All he could offer her now was a grimace, a pleading gaze which she did not look up to see.

Kagome bit her lip, closing her eyes.

"Get over there," Kouga growled, jerking his head toward the other slaves, massing in front of the door. "Now. Before I report you… and I promise, I'll save the pleasure of whipping you for myself."

Inuyasha fumed. Inuyasha shook.

Inuyasha left, too quickly to notice that Kagome had finally looked up to meet his gaze.

She found herself calling out, found his name escaping her lips, "Inuyasha!"

He paused, stiffening, almost wishing she hadn't called his name… and yet at the same time, he felt relieved. She forgave me. It's okay. And her forgiveness made it impossible for him to leave without a word.

Turning around not to look at Kagome, but to glare at Kouga, Inuyasha shouted, "Oi, Kouga! If you hurt her, I'm gonna rip your eyeballs out and shove them down your throat! Got it? Good."

It might have been stupid, it might have been foolish… but ineffectual, impossible though they were, his words made her smile.

"He's such a goddamn moron," Kouga growled suddenly. "He never changes." Noticing Kagome's quirked lips, he stared at her and demanded, "What the hell are you smiling about?"

The smile faded instantly, for she asked herself the same question. What was she smiling about? What did she have to smile about when he was gone and she was alone, with just Kouga, on the other side of the fence? Kagome tried not to close her eyes, tried not to avert her gaze. She could feel the other Maidens edging away from her, even though they'd already been far away. It was as if she carried the plague, a contagious plague.

And I suppose I do carry the plague, Kagome thought wryly, eyeing Kouga.

It wasn't a humorous wryness.

"Nothing," she replied, trying not to let her voice quake.

She knew why she'd been smiling. His words, somehow, made it feel like he was protecting her… even though he wasn't. And now that he was gone, it sunk in that he couldn't.

To her increasing desperation, she felt her bravery slipping away with him, and she clutched onto it, holding onto the last threads of courage by her fingertips.

Kouga grimaced at her. "I'm gonna ask you one more time: are you retarded?"

Glaring, she snapped, "No, I'm not!"

Seeing his hard glare, she took a quick step backward from the fence, eyes widening in fear.

He rolled his eyes. "If I was gonna hit you, I could just come over to your side."

Why aren't you going to hit me? Why aren't you coming over to my side? Why are you talking to me? Her eyes glowed with these questions, with confusion, with fear, with anger. She had a feeling he saw it, too… but he didn't answer. Instead, with almost a resigned sigh, he asked a question of his own.

"Woman, what's your name?"

Kagome stared at him. Immediately she was on edge. "Why do you want to know?" she asked warily.

With a groan and a roll of the eyes, he growled, "Just answer."

She wasn't sure exactly what about the question struck her as off. His unclear motives, his reluctance? Why should he want to know her name?

He doesn't deserve it, Kagome thought brashly. He doesn't deserve to know my name.

This thought inspired her to say, "I'm not telling."

Kouga gawked at her.

She waited for him to explode, to march around to the door on the Maidens' side, to grab her by the front of her robe and demand she tell him. But he didn't do that. Instead he blurted, "What the fuck is wrong with you?"

Kagome's eyes glowed with fire. "If there's something so wrong about me, why do you keep talking to me?"

"It's not like I like talking to you, I just—"

"THEN LEAVE ME ALONE!"

The fury, the hatred, the pain in those words stopped them. She stood still, shaking, trembling, feeling her heart ricochet in her chest. Her words echoed in her ears even though there was nothing for them to echo in… her final plea. Her confession, a confession voiced in tone and teary eyes, rather than in words.

I have nothing. You just took away the only person who made me feel alive. It's bad enough without you rubbing it in.

She almost thought she saw Kouga wince.

"Fine," he muttered. Kagome stiffened, suddenly afraid. What was that in his voice…? What was it that made his fists shake…?

Then she knew.

Kouga heard her small intake of breath and grimaced at her. "I don't get you," he grumbled. "You… you're one of the weirdest people I've ever met."

Kagome stared at him, wondering why in his ice blue eyes, there was pain.

They stood there for a moment, looking at each other, both breathing hard. Kouga stared at her, a deep crease in his forehead, lips pressed thin. And then… slowly… he backed away.

"Why aren't you punishing me?" Kagome blurted, unsure why she wanted to tempt fate… knowing only that she desperately needed to know the answer. Needed some answer, something to hold on to, some buoy to keep her alive. With a nervous confidence, she said, "I'm right, aren't I? About you? You… you're avoiding hurting me. You were right when you said I deserved worse than when you hit me. I… I expected worse. So why don't you want to hurt me?"

Kouga stared at her, immobile. Kagome's eyes hardened and she thought the words she so wanted to say, thought the truth which she would never tell him. If I could hurt you… I would. If I could make you pay for what you've done to me, to Inuyasha, to everyone, I would. She was stunned by the truth of these words, of her fury, her anger… but was it hatred, now? Was it hatred when there was pain in his eyes, beneath the anger?

In a small, shaking voice, she demanded, "Why won't you hurt me?"

For a moment he was silent. He turned his back on her, walking away. But just when she thought he wasn't going to say a word, just when she thought he was going to ignore her… he stopped.

"Cause you remind me of someone."

Kouga took off running, not stopping until he was lost amidst the Warriors… leaving Kagome confused and stunned.

They followed him out, the Warriors, the slaves. Heads ducked, feet dragging, fists clenched. Where were they going, Kagome wondered. Who were they, who had they been, who were they now? Who and what was this crowd of submissive, broken men who followed Kouga out of the Square with not a moment's trouble?

They breathed together. They trudged together. They suffered together.

For a moment, just a moment, Kagome thought she saw a flash of golden eyes… looking at her. Not at the ground, but at her. And for a moment she was happy. But the moment slipped between her fingers and as soon as it had come, it was gone… just like him.

He was gone, too.

Where were they going, she wondered again. Who were they, who had they been, who were they now? Who were the men whom Kouga led to the mines? Kagome had never seen a mine, never heard much of what it was like in a mine. She wouldn't know that stalagmites rose up from the ground, stalactites bearing down upon their heads from the ceiling, dripping toxic water which they would lap up into parched mouths. She wouldn't know that it was dark, suffocating, merciless in its cruelty. She wouldn't know that the very air was a poison, the rock walls volatile and unstable. She wouldn't know that every day, hundreds were led down… and some never came back up.

She wouldn't know that it could be Inuyasha lying buried under rubble, Inuyasha coughing out his own blood, Inuyasha suffering for much, much longer than any human would before giving up.

She wouldn't, and didn't, know any of this… and it was her ignorance which made her wish she did know.

Kagome clutched at the bars, shaking them though they did not stir, screaming though there was no one there to hear. Her shouts met only dead ears, ears turned away, ears long attuned to the sound of a desperate plead. Her shouts met open air, and even with his demonic hearing, she knew he could not hear her.

Kagome sank again to her knees, trembling, and prayed that somewhere, wherever he was… he was safe. But she couldn't help but feel that if there was a God somewhere, and if he had ears to hear her broken cries and whispered prayers… he was either not listening, or had things more important to do than send a sign to a lost child.

.x.x.

A/N: So what do you think? Again, no flames about the religion thing. Nothing in this chapter necessarily reflects my opinion on faith. It only explains Kagome's experiences, and how she's interpreted them… I think it would be natural for her to have doubts. It doesn't make her a bad person.

I'd like to put it out there that I'm a devout follower of Inuyashism and we Inuyasha-worshippers respect any and all beliefs, including no belief. (Except Kagstianity. Kagstianity sucks. xD)

Thank you to ElvenMermaid, Allora Gale, Inu'sgirl4ever, Tomatosoup inc., Krystology, lannamoo, feathersnow, Regina lunaris, MegamanSora, xXanimeluver15Xx, Daichilover, AnimeRomanceFreak1990, KoishiiMiko, and jayfeather63 for reviewing!

Now… review! Also I'd like some feedback on this: where do you think Kagome and Inuyasha are in the stage of their feelings? Obviously they share a mutual interest and affection, but are they ready to act on these feelings? I want to know when they should be together. Romance is a little different in this story, because it's not your usual high school setting, but I don't want to make it take too long or too short.

So… NOW review! I'm hoping for at least ten before the next update! :D