Now this is exiting, Miss Mammon!
What is, Mr. Blazkowitz?
This was originally the first chapter, and once its own one-shot, romance fic with G-rated drug use, boundless greed, Koopas making love and the exchanging of body fluids of different color/viscosity. However, nobody is really interested in such stories; at least nobody Miss Treacle or her readers could ever come to terms with. So now it's really more of a breather chapter between Luigi/Daisy and Mario/Peach's segments. Yes, I'm doing what my brother does by taking the ham out of a sandwich; saving the best for last. But this is still good; with some soft core lovin' and a serene pace.
True! Please review if you will; it's the only chapter that has only original Koopa characters in it. As always; humble thanks to those who have reviewed. You're this close to being credited on Miss Treacle's FF homepage.
Oh, Miss Mammon! Nobody likes a brown-noser!
Really? Well, brown – nose this!
The press had gathered outside Koopa Village Town Hall for a press conference held by Mayor Koopley. After the death of Koopa Koot, the former mayor, everybody regarded Koopley as the best candidate, as he had survived ten years in the stomach of a dragon.
The truth was that Koopley was becoming more and more unpopular. He had yet to achieve mediocrity as a ruler, and never listened to his people. When it came to reckless spending, however… Lately, a rumor had surfaced that he was secretly an ally of the evil King Bowser. In the beginning, nobody believed this, but now that some time had passed, their opinion had changed from "No way in Hell" to "I wouldn't be surprised."
The press were taking pictures and asking questions.
"Is it true that you're currently in a relationship with Kamella Koopa?"
"Are you or are you not Bowser's minion?"
"What about those awful Koopalings? Are you their nanny, or something?"
Kylie Koopa looked over the crowd. Oh, how she missed the asking of licentious questions and taking of pictures devastating to public figures' careers. Once, she was a well-paid reporter herself; she had been a proper artist with a camera and as she wrote all her interviews in shorthand, never missed a single detail. However, since the economy of the realms outside Bowser's smelly claws had crashed and burned, Kylie's paper, the Koopa Kronicle went belly-up and its company shut down.
The last three years Kylie had worked as a publicist, her main client being Mayor Koopley. He ordered her around all day; she was paid half of what the Koopa Kronicle did and she hadn't had a weekend off, well, in the last three years. She wouldn't have complained if she had been working for any other celebrity or public figure. It wasn't the long hours or $4 cups of tepid urine/coffee that drove her nuts.
It was all the claptrap Koopley ladled out all day, and how he demanded that she wrote all of it.
"Anyone who believes that I'm on Bowser's side…" He made a pause for effect; "Do not believe in a free Koopa Village."
Koopley turned away from them and walked down from the podium. "Kylie, come."
The crowd roared in disapproval, and Kylie understood them. She herself had written that line, and was surprised that there had been no reaction from Koopley regarding its tacky nature.
Later that day, Kylie sat by her office desk with her head buried in her hands when somebody brutally tore her out of her afternoon sulk. It was Koopley, and the look on his face didn't bode well.
"Doesn't believe in a free Koopa Village? What the hell was that? !"
Now, there was the reaction she had expected. A little delayed, but whatever.
"I apologize, sir," she said.
"You'd better. The last thing I need now is to look more suspicious, and that cheesy sap didn't really help!"
Kylie's eyes narrowed. "I thought you weren't in cahoots with Bowser!"
"What's it to you?" Koopley retorted. "The only thing you need to know is that the only thread your career is hanging onto is the very string keeping your boobs from jiggling."
Oh, no, she thought to herself as he closed in on her. Not again. The final and worst part of her job; only being able to keep it if she slept with her boss. And she had been there before, just like all of the women in the City Hall open office. But that day, it was as if something inside Kylie gave her the courage to say no. She swept Koopley's hands off her plastron and tossed a right hook into his face.
She missed with her knuckles, but one of the charms on her bracelet; the crystal shaped like a jackstone, scraped his snout up pretty badly.
He wiped off the blood. "You're fired, bitch," Koopley snarled. "It doesn't end here. I'll make sure the highest rank you'll receive from now on will be "peach picker of the week"!"
Then, out of nowhere, the window to her office was shattered by a green warp pipe. It worked like a vacuum, and it dragged Koopley into its hole.
"I'm not going in there alone!" He hissed and grabbed Kylie's ankle as she held on to the window mullion. She was sucked in with him into the pipe, screaming; and she even lost one of her pink pumps.
Koopley arrived on the other side of the Warp Zone first, his rear end ensuring a soft landing for Kylie. They were inside a birdcage –like enclosure, being peered at by two Koopas.
"Oh, my, looks like you're busted, Koopley," the male, red-shelled Koopa with the burly arms clicked his tongue.
"Shut up, Boom Boom," Koopley barked and brushed some dust off his shell.
"Excuse me, what's going on?" Kylie asked, and was ignored. Another male Koopa, one donning a lime green shell, a lab coat and large glasses thick as coke bottoms came out with a cup of something that smelled like actual coffee.
"Aw, crap," he said exasperatedly. "Boom Boom, I told you not to pick this butthole up by Doomship! The Koopa Villagers are suspicious enough as it is!"
Kylie had never seen a Koopa like this green-haired specimen. She was shocked to realize that he was a Koopaling. She had never before been in the same room as a Koopaling, and honestly, even though the opinion of Bowser's awful offspring in Koopa Village was not a positive one, Kylie couldn't help but feeling a little star struck.
"I'm sorry, Iggy." Boom Boom said. He didn't look sober, or clean for that matter.
"Take Koopley to the dungeon. Then you go back to the bridge and tell Pom Pom to set course for the Honey-Hive Galaxy. Which is now a 20-hour trip, thanks to you, ass!" Iggy snarled, and the ends of his jaw line reddened in anger.
When Boom Boom left with the treacherous Koopley, Iggy finally acknowledged Kylie. "Well, hello there," he said with a smooth smile, revealing his sharp, double fangs. "Who might you be?"
She sighed in relief as Iggy clicked a button on one of the many flickering control panels on the wall, and the cage sank into the floor. "I'm Kylie."
" Kylie…" Iggy's tone was soft, and she kind of liked his voice; so delightfully... she didn't have a word for it…
"Would you please drop me off at my office? It's in Koopa Village."
Iggy shrugged. "I guess I could… the next time the Doomship passes through there in ten-fifteen months." Kylie was irritated. "Who's gonna collect my mail? Or water my plants? For God's sakes, mom will kill me if I don't show up to my little sister's pageant!"
The Koopaling named Iggy put his hand on her shoulder and walked her to his cabin. "Don't worry. Tell you what; I'm gonna crack up a bottle of organic absinthe. Perk you right up."
Kylie slipped her shoe back on. "Got any Diet Syrup?"
Boom Boom spied on the scene. "How typical," he said dryly to his co-pilot, Pom Pom. "First Koopa Village chick on this ship in years and Iggy declares huntin' season."
"You don't have to tell me," Pom Pom, one of the few females in Bowser's inner circle said. She looked at Boom Boom, who was rummaging through one of Iggy's compartments. "What are you doing?"
Boom Boom came back with a heart-shaped flask, a bunch of cotton balls and two blankets. "I just thought that now as Poindexter Koopa is gonna be busy for a while… I could break out the good stuff."
He held up the curious – looking, pink liquid. "How about a hit of Limerence?"
"It that C Double X?" Pom Pom looked suspicious.
"Nah; it's the good stuff, like I said. The stuff that doesn't turn you into a slut."
Boom Boom opened the bottle, put a cotton ball on the opening and shook it carefully. He then ran the soaked cotton over Pom Pom's wrist, then his own.
"Ball trippin' time!" they said happily in unison as they sniffed in the powerful drug and felt it working in their bloodstream.
"Whoa," Pom Pom said in total awe. "Se-e-e-e-riously."
Iggy's state room was bigger than Kylie's apartment and as well as being luxuriously decorated in Bowser – style, had large windows from where they could look at the galaxy. For a moment, she could have sworn she saw a car driving by.
"Try this," Iggy Koopa said and reached her a glass of chilled, green… something, that tasted like pear. "Now, if you need a rest..." he brushed the throw pillows off his stone four poster. "Just take a nap here. I won't bug you."
She actually sat down on the bed, and Iggy signaled that he was leaving. "No," she objected. "Please stay. It'd be nice to talk to someone. By the way…"
She reached him her glass. "…I'd love a refill."
The Koopaling was very content as he lay down on the other side. "Is it true that you Koopa Villagers wear clothes every day?"
"Nah," Kylie said as she gulped down more of the strong drink. "It was worse when Koopa Koot lived."
"So he's dead, huh?"
"Yeah. And I strongly suspect that your friend Koopley smothered him with his fat ass." Kylie was now more than slightly tipsy. She turned around to look Iggy in the eye. Oh my, how handsome he was…
Now here you stand, before my naked eyes,
My heart is pounding so.
If I should die darlin' in your arms,
What a lovely way to go.
I've got to have all of you;
Little Darlin'!
All of your lovin', all of your huggin', all of your kisses too…
"I love Don Felder," Iggy said when Kylie was done nuzzling him Koopa - style. "Real World music is just awesome."
Her heart was indeed pounding so as she mounted Bowser's middle child. "Then…" she said as she leant over to look him, "How do you feel about Emilie Autumn?"
Iggy took over as the one on top and pressed Kylie's wrists down into the pillow, and growled:
"How can anyone listen to that drivel?"
His answer made Kylie wrap her legs around him, and Iggy was astounded to see that she in addition to loving above the covers also did not kill the lights.
Pom Pom was just finishing up her long, personal conversation with the long deceased Roy Orbison when the highest notes of the Limerence wore off, and she became aware of the sign held by a Rex standing on a meteor: HONEY HIVE CITY SPACE STATION – 300 yards NORTH. Please SLOW DOWN.
"Boom Boom!" She said sluggishly, but her co-pilot wasn't responding; just drooling himself. She poked him, and that roused him. He sat up so quickly he dropped the now empty, heart-shaped bottle.
"Hey, man; you broke my Limerence – heart!" He murmured, completely stoned, and then he noticed the dock appearing. The Doomship was sailing way too fast.
"Whoa!" Boom Boom grabbed the steering wheel. If they dented the Doom Dancer, their boss would have their heads.
Kylie pulled away from Iggy, sweating and panting. "Dude. That rocked my world."
"And it blew what's left of my mind." The Koopaling scratched his bed head. "But may I ask you, why can't you reconsider?"
Kylie sat up in the impressive bed and checked her eye shadow in a compact mirror. "Because you're a stranger." Her eyes sparkled playfully.
"So we're above sleeping with strangers, now, are we?" Iggy asked.
"Maybe not…" Kylie straightened her bow as they exited the bedroom, and headed for the escalators. "But marriage is a completely different thing. And by the way, is there a phone on this ship? I have to call my friend Mario and tell him about Koopley."
"Right here," Iggy said and handed her his cell phone. While she dialed Mario's number, the Koopaling pulled a syringe out of a secret pocket in his sleeve, and injected it right into Kylie's neck as her call was answered.
"Hello?" Someone with a Brooklyn dialect said.
"Wrong number." Iggy hung up and watched as the undiluted dose of Limerence washed every memory and ounce of free will out of Kylie's system. She just smiled vapidly as the ship crashed into a giant warp pipe before docking in the vast hangar.
"Nice landing, pinheads," Iggy snapped as they met the pilots outside.
"You're welcome." Boom Boom's eyes fell on one of the many neon signs in the floating space city. "Hey, Pom, there's a Burger King!"
"Gnarly," she rubbed her stomach. "I've really got the munchies."
They didn't have to wait long until Bowser arrived with Kamek. Kylie reached out a shaking hand.
"Pressure to meet you, sir. I'm Kylie."
"King Dad," Iggy said blissfully. "I'm happy to announce that this lady and I are getting married."
"If we have a Lutheran wedding." Kylie hiccupped.
Bowser smiled overbearingly; trying to ignore the sex smell emitting from the two. "That's awesome. Good luck, you crazy kids."
Kylie took Iggy's hand as he wanted to show her his apartment;. "You're baptized, right?"
Bowser stared after them, and turned to Kamek. "Do I wanna know?"
Kamek shook his ugly head. "No."
That was the breather chapter! The next one will kick ass!