Chapter 12 - Stay

Saturday, July 13th, 2013 - Days Married: 194

There is sweat dripping down her back, Danny's methodic, deep breath rushing in Mindy's ears. Her sneakers slap the pavement hard as she pushes herself, and if they don't reach the end of the path soon, she fears her lungs may burst.

He slows next to her, the pace an easy one for him, and after spending the last few weeks training, Mindy knows this is his indication for her to stop. So she does, heart full of gratitude, and slumps, sucking in as much oxygen as possible and bracing her hands on her knees.

The Plaza is peeking through the canopy of leaves at the end of the park just ahead of them. That's really good. They came in on 72nd Street, taking the long way by Bethesda Fountain, which means they've run in a roundabout way at least 13 blocks, about a mile, in - "How'd we do?"

"Better. Eleven minutes." It irritates her how he's barely even breathing hard.

"Uh, that's great," she pants. "Please make sure to have that engraved on my headstone."

"Shut up. A month ago you running a nearly ten minute mile would have been impossible." Danny squirts water into his mouth from the CamelBak. "You've shaved nearly five minutes off your time. Engrave that on this triathlon's headstone after you kill it."

"Oh my God, you are such a dork." Mindy finally feels steady enough to stand upright again.

"A dork who's gonna trounce those nurse-stealing charlatans." He smirks.

"Well, that may be true." She takes another deep breath, this time it turning into a groaning yawn.

"Your man of God keep you up too late last night?" he asks, leering, before his brow tightens. "Which I don't understand. How is that not a major sin? He's a minister for crying out loud! Protestants confuse the hell out of me..."

"Yes, actually. Casey did keep me up too late last night. But not in the fun way you're thinking."

Danny got a hand around his ankle, bending his leg back at the knee, stretching out the muscles. "Trouble in paradise?"

Stretching probably isn't a bad idea. Mindy plants her hands on her hips and sways slightly. "Um. No, actually. I think it may be the opposite."

"How do you mean?"

"Well, we got to talking about some things. And it got pretty heavy."

"You guys got into an argument?"

"No. It was a good discussion. Casey was actually asking me my feelings toward converting." She cuts her eyes in Danny's direction, gauging his reaction, waiting for him to be thrilled at the prospect. Instead, she's met with a sharp frown.

"That's a stupid idea. Why would you convert?"

"I thought you'd be pleased at the idea of me switching to your team."

"Lutherans are not my team. We're barely even in the same division. I just don't understand why he would care. Was he pressuring you?" He's starting to look a little angry, and Mindy isn't explaining this correctly.

"It wasn't pressure, or a demand. Casey was just thinking about our future together. He said he'd always envisioned spending the rest of his life with someone who shared his beliefs. I don't know if I'm going to do it, but if we're going to make this work long-term, then it's something I have to at least consider."

"Huh." Danny turns away from her, propping his foot on a park bench and leaning, extending his hamstring.

"Huh what?"

"Nothing. You two are getting pretty serious." She's not sure he means them to, but those last words come out as a question.

"Yeah, I guess we are."

She watches the back of his head bob as he nods. "A little fast, maybe?"

"Mm, I don't know. It is fast, but it doesn't feel too fast. Casey seems to really know what he wants." She shrugs. "And we're good together."

"He treats you right?" Danny's looking at her out of the corner of his eye. The timbre of his voice makes her stomach flutter strangely.

Mindy swallows and nods. "Yeah. He's a good guy."

"Okay. Good." Danny turns to her and she knows what's coming. Mindy shakes out her hands and works toward psyching herself up for the run back, knowing his routine by now.

"You wanna get pancakes?"

The abrupt question takes her completely by surprise. Also, pancakes. "What? Really?"

"Yeah. You did good today. Lemme buy you breakfast."

The smile that begins radiating from her is so big it nearly hurts. "Oh, hell yes. I knew there was a reason I allowed you to talk me into this whole 'training for a triathlon' business."

"Come on." He hooks his elbow around her neck, propelling her forward as he begins walking.

"Ugh, you're getting my sweat all over you." She futilely tries pulling away.

"I don't mind." And as if she had said the same, he slicks a hand across his forehead then brushes it down her arm, leaving a sopping trail.

"Gross! Danny. That is disgusting." Mindy shoves on him hard, with real purpose this time, and he staggers away from her, a smile crinkling his face.

They're nearly to the exit of the park before he says anything again. "Don't change yourself for anybody, Min."

She turns to look at him, Danny's face carefully neutral. "I wasn't planning on it. What makes you think I would?"

He shrugs and looks away, visibly a little uncomfortable. "Because sometimes I don't think you realize how great you are. The way you are."

"Oh." Mindy wishes her voice didn't sound so small.

Monday, July 29th, 2013 - Days Married: 210

He hasn't looked up from his newspaper since he sat down in her office nearly ten minutes ago; and no matter how she tries, Mindy can't think of a good way to start this.

Stilling her hands from where they're poised over her keyboard, this morning's emails too much to focus on, she reaches for her coffee cup and takes a long drink. "So, Danny, there's something I wanted to-"

He thumps the paper hard and it rustles. "I don't trust this de Blasio guy. I mean, what's his deal?"

de Blasio... de Blasio... Mindy's confident she should know who that is. Danny keeps bringing him up. A baseball player maybe? "He having a bad season or something?" she asks hopefully.

"What?" Danny's brow is pulled tight and his eyes are bouncing, side to side, as he reads. "No."

"Good, then. Or not." Guess it all depends on what team he plays for, right? "Danny-"

"Hmm?" He leans forward to pluck his coffee cup off her desk, and never takes his eyes off the paper.

"I wanted to talk to you about something. Could you - just put the paper down."

The tone of her voice snatches his attention, and Danny does just that. He lays the folded newspaper on the corner of her desk and raises his focused gaze to her.

Shit. Maybe now isn't the time. But when the hell will be a better time? Mindy takes a deep breath and places both hands on the cold, glass top of her desk. "Casey asked me to go to Haiti with him."

In anticipating his reaction, Mindy never considered him biting back a smile and clasping his hands in his lap, a look relaxed and nearly triumphant. "I'm sorry, Min, but it's probably better now than wasting a year waiting for him. How'd he take it?"

It is better than waiting for him for a year. That's what she's thinking, anyway. It isn't like it's going to be easy, but - yeah. She can do a lot of good in Haiti. It will also be a true litmus test; if she and Casey can make it work and be happy there, then they can make it anywhere. Mindy's not sure she follows his question, though.

"How'd he take what?" The way Danny's face falls suddenly makes his meaning clear.

Oh.

Mindy holds the words on her tongue for a moment, allowing them to soften. "I didn't tell him no."

Danny's nostrils flare, and a sick look crosses his face before it's gone, his features meticulously schooled. "So you're going?" he asks, voice a low rasp. It doesn't matter how well he arranged his face, there's hurt lacing every syllable.

"I don't know. Maybe." She shakes her head and realizes that statement is inaccurately vague. "Probably. I've already started looking at my finances to see if it's doable."

"And?"

"And it is." There's a slurry of hopefulness and apprehension churning up her stomach. Directed toward what, she isn't sure. Mindy swallows and thinks maybe the coffee is giving her heartburn. "What do you think?"

He crosses his arms tightly over his chest in that cocky, aloof way he hasn't done in a while, and leans back. "You don't need my approval to do anything."

It's kind of an asshole thing to say, so intentionally misconstruing the question. But she is hurting him in ways she's unclear, so she curbs the more biting words she'd like to say. "I never said I needed your approval. I don't. However, I wouldn't mind your opinion."

Danny sits up a little, his demeanor changing and eyes softening before looking down at the rug. Slowly he rubs the palms of his hands over his jean-clad legs, his mouth twitching as he thinks. "Is this something you want? Or are you just doing it for him?"

The desire to rush the words is strong, to prove how committed she is to Casey and how completely fine she is with this whole idea. But the point of asking Danny's opinion is to be considerate and think about this pragmatically. So Mindy takes a breath, and tries to collect the most honest words she can. "It's scary. For a bunch of different reasons. Casey and I haven't been together that long. But I do have confidence in him. This is something he's so passionate about, and it makes me feel passionate about it too. And the idea of going to Haiti - of just being out of my comfort zone - is terrifying."

"Yeah." He nods thoughtfully.

"Someone has to though, right? Haiti needs doctors. And if there's ever going to be a time in my life for me to do something like this, it's now."

"Min." His voice is soft and resigned, and somehow that's worse than the hurt. "It sounds like you've already decided."

She hadn't. That's just the list of things she keeps arguing about in her own head. The list of why she shouldn't go is much shorter. It only has two things on it. 1) She doesn't want to go. 2) She's afraid of how much she's going to miss the man seated in front of her.

Mindy won't say either of those things, so she shrugs. "I guess so." All of the breath rushes out of her once it feels like the decision has been made. "I'm going to Haiti..."

"Good for you." He couldn't mean those words any less. "When do you leave?"

"Less than three weeks."

"Right. Well." Danny forces a brightness that is so believable it makes Mindy wonder if any of the things she was reading from him were true. Maybe she was just projecting all of her own feelings... "You should have a proper send-off. I'll throw something together. Something swanky, just like you like it. Get me a list of people who you want me to invite. And don't go overboard, Mindy. I can only get so many people in my apartment."

Quickly, Danny pushes out of the chair, grabbing his cup and paper. He's nearly out the door and she's floundering, one last, very important thing she needs to say. He beats her to it, already a few steps ahead of her. "I'll make sure the annulment papers are ready for you to sign before you go."

Saturday, August 17th, 2013 - Days Married: 229

There's a tremor in her hands Mindy just can't shake. It's excitement. Probably.

She's done a shit job of avoiding all of her exes that she inexplicably had Danny invite to her and Casey's going away party. And for his part, Casey is being his highest level of annoyingly chill.

Mindy buries her nose in the Shirley Temple with vodka, and drains the glass. It's only the run-ins with Jamie and those stupid Deslauriers that's putting her on edge. She starts in the direction of the bartender - Danny seriously went all out on this party - and doesn't even make it halfway there before she feels fingers closing around her elbow.

"It's going to be miserable without you, you know." Jeremy's leaning down and his breath is warm in her ear.

Glancing up, she finds his gaze kind and genuine. This is one sort-of-ex Mindy doesn't really mind having to talk to. "That's a very sweet thing to say, Jeremy. I'll miss you too."

"Oh, dear, no. I didn't mean it that way. Not that - well, of course I'll miss having you 'round."

"You're very bad at giving compliments, you know that?"

"It will be a misery being without your cheer." He's giving her his most charming smile, and she knows it's leading to something she won't like.

"Okay. What gives? What's the matter with me leaving?"

Jeremy drops the charm and is suddenly the man who at one point long ago Mindy thought she could have feelings for. The real, human, flesh and blood man. "It's already hell in the office. I can only imagine how much worse he's going to get once you're actually gone."

Mindy's stomach tumbles, filling in the blanks of everything he isn't saying. "He hasn't seemed any different to me," she whispers.

"Well, of course he wouldn't, Mindy. Brave face and all. You think he's going to be a sad, pitiful arsehole in front of you? A man has his pride."

Without being able to stop it, Mindy's eyes roam the apartment. As if simply seeing Danny from across a crowded room would allow her to divine his secrets.

"He cares very much for you. But I believe you already know that."

Her eyes bounce back to Jeremy, and she has to suck in a deep breath, her lungs feeling a little like they're too small. "I do."

"Good." He nods briskly. "It is going to hell without you here. Don't stay gone forever, yeah?"

She smiles when he leans down and places a lingering kiss on her cheek - still always the flirt. "I won't. Nothing will keep me from coming home."

Jeremy walks on, and as he goes, the room seems to tilt under her. Their entire conversation is ringing in her head. And the tremor has stopped in her hands.

"Mindy..."

The voice is muffled, and panic uncurls in her stomach. She should have picked somewhere more secluded to hide. Then the doors push the rest of the way open. It's Danny and she can take a deep breath again.

"Is that the - what is with you not being able to wait to eat dessert?"

If he's trying to remind her of the night he kissed her, it's working. "Well, it's my cake, so..." The words come out more petulant than she meant them. But screw it. Even if it is all her fault, right now she's going to allow herself to be petulant.

Danny slides the bedroom doors together quietly, and sits down on the floor next to her. He's so close she can smell his soap and fabric softener, and it makes her want to bury her head in his shoulder and not look up until this nightmare is over.

He steals the fork from her fingers, and she's about to go on a holy terror of a rant when he asks her, "What's wrong?"

"Nothing," she lies. Before he can call bullshit on her, she reconsiders. There's no reason to keep this from Danny of all people. "I don't know about this."

The hand holding the forkful of cake falters halfway to his mouth. Something sparks in his eyes before extinguishing. Taking the bite, he slides the tines from his still-closed mouth, a little bit of blue frosting tinting his lips. He swallows, then asks in a deliberately neutral tone, "Are you having second thoughts?"

Mindy nods her head, words deserting her and stupid fucking tears stinging her eyes.

"Hey." In one quick motion Danny moves the sheet cake from her lap, placing it on the floor next to them, and takes her right hand in both of his. "If you don't want to do this, you don't have to."

"I know that." She blinks hard, the tears staying at bay and the fervent feeling of his hands wrapped warmly around hers making her brave enough to finally say the words that have been lying just beneath the surface for nearly a month. "I don't want to go."

"Then don't!" he exclaims. Then quieter, in a voice so pleading, "Mindy, please don't go. I don't want you to go."

A hysterical laugh leaps out of her chest before she can stop it, this whole thing such an unmitigated disaster. "Why didn't you tell me that before?! I asked you!"

"No, Mindy, you didn't. You asked me what I thought you should do. You didn't ask me what I wanted you to do."

"Semantics."

"Not semantics."

"How do you figure?" The tears are back in her eyes, and there's a completely irrational part of her that wants to be mad at him from not speaking his mind, saving her from all this.

"Because." He sighs heavily. "You asked me my opinion. And my opinion is, and always will be, I want you to do whatever makes you happy. Even if that means you leaving."

"Danny, that's - that's sweet. But I wanted to know how you felt about it. You didn't have to shut down and get all weird and stoic. Did it ever occur to you I needed your input?"

"Honestly?" His eyes lift from where they were trained on their joined hands. "No. But what more could I have said? Mindy, I had no right to ask you to stay."

She wants to rage against that. Because yes, he does. If not Danny, then who? It's too much and she knows she shouldn't say it, especially right now, but she can't keep from it. "You could have asked me to stay."

That draws a mirthless chuckle from him, eyebrows pulled up toward his hairline. "Believe me, I wanted to."

The hold he has on her drops away when she pulls her hands up to bury her head in her palms. Mumbling with her face smushed, she asks, "What the hell am I going to do now?"

"Tell him how you feel. And yeah, sure, it's going to suck. But not nearly as bad as having to go to Haiti for a year."

That's true. Mindy just needs to bite the bullet and get this over with. There's one important detail that may be a little unclear which feels necessary to share. "I won't go to Haiti. But I don't necessarily know if that means I want to breakup with Casey..."

There's a tic in his jaw when she says the other man's name, and it looks so much like jealousy it makes Mindy's pulse speed up. "If he loves you, he'll understand and do whatever he has to to make it work."

"Okay." She lets those words wash over her and takes a deep breath. He's right. She just needs to be honest with Casey and let the chips fall where they may. It's all she can do.

"That's very good advice, Danny." She pokes his chest, finding twisted humor in the situation now that she can feel the shackles of this decision loosening. "This is exactly why you should give me all of your opinion when I ask you questions."

"I'll work on it." He holds his hands up in surrender. "If you'll promise to work on being more gracious when I give it."

"Wow. Way to ruin me giving you a compliment." Pushing first up onto her knees, she stands. Danny follows suit. If she's going to do this, she thinks, brushing a hand down her deep-emerald green skirt, she needs to do it now before her resolve dies.

"Listen." He grabs her wrist, stopping her before she can make it to the door and get this over with. "I don't think I ever said it back to you."

Mindy can feel her eyes widen as she racks her brain for what it is she said to him that garners him saying it back.

"You know you're my best friend, right? And there's no tier. There's only one person on the list, and it's you."

The wind knocks out of his lungs in a whoosh when she throws her arms tightly around his neck.

She knew. But it's nice to hear him say it.

She isn't honest with Casey. Of course she isn't. There is such a thing as self-preservation. It doesn't take a savant to figure out how a conversation that starts with, "So, I know we're supposed to be leaving in three days and I've been assuring you for a month I'm super stoked about going to Haiti with you, but..." ends.

Yeah. Mindy's not an idiot. So she goes with the most plausible, man-terrifying lie she can conjure.

It's around the time he drops to one knee when Mindy remembers her plans never, ever work out well. Casey is gently grasping the fingers of her left hand, and is speaking words she has always wanted to hear.

He says the words, "Mindy, will you marry me?" and her heart seizes in her chest. And not in the good way. It feels like being sucker-punched, and she can't stare into those hopeful blue eyes any longer.

When Mindy looks up she can see only one person. The rest of the room may as well be deserted. Danny has a dark, unreadable expression on his face, holding her gaze for no longer than two seconds before looking away.

She tugs her fingers from Casey and tells him no. She won't marry him.

She can't marry him.

Mindy already has a husband.