"Hello, Dr. Kavanagh, Colonel Sheppard. Before we begin, you should probably find the most comfortable place in these quarters. A bed or a well-padded corner would be ideal. This is a relatively involved procedure and it is possible that there will be violent reactions should you uncover memories your subconscious is reluctant to relinquish. Having a cushioned environment will minimize the chance of accidental injury."
Kavanagh's brows wrinkled with anxiety. He licked his lips and bit them, darting a quick look at Sheppard.
"Um, I-I don't know if we should-I mean, uh-" He pressed a hand against his mouth for a second.
"How-how violent? Are you sure you know what you're-what's going to happen?"
"Kavanagh-" Sheppard's voice held a note of warning. Kavanagh gave him a fierce look, his lips whitening around the edges where he pressed them together.
"Look, if we don't know what we're messing with, maybe we should just stop. I don't think-"
"He said it was perfectly safe! He can separate us if anything happens. One time shot, Kavanagh, take it or leave it."
For almost a minute they stood there, staring at each other, neither giving an inch. Both of them jumped when Hermiod cleared his throat.
"If you are not sure you want to undergo this, Dr. Kavanagh, perhaps it would be best to stop now. Once we begin there is no going back."
Kavanagh bit his lips again, his eyes fixed on the hologram.
"Are you sure this will work? What-what's the probability of failure?"
The Asgard eyed him. Sheppard wasn't sure but he thought he saw a flicker in the dark eyes.
"Do you remember when I made modifications to the drive of the Daedalus in order to allow us to relay the message about the bomb in time? As I recall, you had misgivings about my modifications. You...doubted my abilities." Hermiod's pause made it clear that there was no greater insult Kavanagh could have offered. Kavanagh lifted his shoulders a little, looking sideways with what might have been a tinge of guilt. Hermiod waited in silence. Kavanagh darted a glance at him and finally nodded.
"How did the drive perform after my modifications?" Hermiod's voice took on a patient tone, as if he were addressing a very small child.
"Did it not perform exactly as predicted? Specifically, did it not perform at a much higher level of power and efficiency than before?"
Kavanagh nodded again, his cheeks reddening. The strangled sound from Sheppard made Hermiod turn, cocking his head in query.
"Something wrong, Colonel Sheppard? No?" He turned back to Kavanagh.
"Well then, I fail to see any grounds for concern. My "track record", as you humans say, is flawless when it comes to repairing both your ships and your bodies. Keep in mind that we retained and passed on all the memories of our experiences at every level of our evolution. I have memories of inhabiting a body much like yours, with a mind just as fragmented and unreliable. That is one of the things that convinced me, against my first inclination, to acquiesce to my leader's request that I give my assistance to the Atlantis expedition. It is one of the factors that persuaded me to grant my assistance in this case as well."
Sheppard clapped his hands together and half-turned.
"Well? Good enough?"
Kavanagh gave Sheppard a tormented look and fixed his eyes on the floor. Sheppard could tell it was taking every ounce of his willpower to keep his voice polite.
"The Daedalus was a ship. A piece of metal. Caldwell was...well, somebody else. This is me, okay? I'm just-" He closed his eyes for a second and opened them again.
"Do you even know how it feels to have your body turn against you? To have it doing things to you you hate and don't want, but can't stop?"
Sheppard made a sound of complete disbelief and grabbed a fistful of Kavanagh's uniform.
"Damn it, Kavanagh, we talked about this! What are you, stupid? Of all the thickheaded-"
"Gentlemen." Hermiod's voice hadn't changed, but Sheppard and Kavanagh fell silent as one person. The Asgard tilted his head to one side for a long second, then turned his back, his expression unreadable even to someone who had learned how to differentiate between their moods.
"I believe I do, Doctor Kavanagh. More correctly, the entity whose memories are linked to my profile does. But I am afraid I cannot offer any more assurance than the evidence of my capabilities I mentioned a moment ago. You will have to accept that there is always some risk involved."
Kavanagh's eyes held sudden, shocked recollection. His lips parted a little.
"Hermiod-is that really-I-I didn't-"
"If we are going to begin, perhaps we should do so without further discussion." Hermiod turned back to face them. There was no trace of emotion at all in the dark eyes. Kavanagh gave Sheppard a quick, nervous look, and stood, heading for the bedroom.
Sheppard seated himself at the other end of the bed from Kavanagh, wanting to give him some space. The hologram had followed them in without hesitation and stood, watching them.
"I am now altering the atmosphere in the room to allow the passage of electrical impulses from your brain to Colonel Sheppard's. You will still need to be linked together in a way that is comfortable and safe for you both, however. An embrace such as you humans use for expressing feelings of attachment or a desire to mate should do."
Sheppard's lips twitched, but the look in Kavanagh's eyes when he glanced up wiped the smile from his face. He let his hands drop.
"You first."
Kavanagh wavered, his eyes searching Sheppard's for some sign of assurance. Sheppard pressed his lips together and tried to look more sure of himself than he felt. Slowly Kavanagh's hands came up, hesitated, curled into half-fists.
Sheppard waited. The hands relaxed marginally, crept upward and out. He lifted his own hands, his heart suddenly pounding. Kavanagh moved forward stiffly, as if his body were resisting some unseen force. Sheppard let him come the whole way, waiting for him to commit completely. Kavanagh paused, still a few feet away, his breath quickening. His hands clenched once, unclenched. Sheppard kept his eyes trained on Kavanagh's, willing him to keep coming.
Trust me. Just trust me. Come on. He didn't realize was saying it aloud until Kavanagh's quivering voice responded, the fear he made no effort to hide chopping the words into shaking gasps.
"Ok. Ok." He broke off, nodding to himself as if for reassurance, sucked in a short, sharp breath, and lurched forward, his eyes fixed on Sheppard's. Sheppard's hands came quickly up to catch and support him as he gave himself into his arms.
"Don't-don't hurt m-" Kavanagh stopped himself abruptly and looked down, his cheeks flushing, but Sheppard didn't need to hear the rest to understand. He lifted a hand to Kavanagh's face. Kavanagh looked up quickly but he didn't pull away. Sheppard let his hand answer the urgency in Kavanagh's eyes, pressing palm to cheek, his fingers digging in just slightly. Kavanagh closed his eyes with a little shudder and Sheppard felt his grateful acceptance of the strength in his touch. He swallowed, hoping fervently he wasn't getting in over his head.
"I won't. This time you're calling the shots. I promise."
Kavanagh nodded jerkily. The program made a whirring sound and Sheppard felt the familiar, falling sensation.
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
The first thing Sheppard experienced when the world stopped spinning was Hermiod's voice at the back of his mind. The second was an extreme resistance in the form of a dark, swirling cloud just in front of him. The visual world of Kavanagh's bedroom had faded, but he was still aware of his body and Kavanagh's. He could feel a rapid thudding under his hands. It took him a second to realize it was Kavanagh's heart beating. The body in his arms shivered and he felt his hands moving, automatically, to calm it.
The Asgard spoke, his voice sounding far away and disconnected.
"I will guide you in, Colonel Sheppard, but you must choose when to advance and when to wait."
Sheppard indicated he understood and the voice fell silent. He saw a light appear, just beyond the dark cloud. He turned toward the light and the cloud retreated, pulsing with energy. The light moved as well, this time to the left, so that the cloud no longer blocked his way.
Sheppard looked down, suddenly curious, and found he had no body. A cloud very like the one in front of him surrounded him. He moved and the cloud moved with him. To his right the dark cloud moved as well, falling in beside him. He sensed that it was aware of him, felt the tension in it grow as he went toward the reddish light.
He was almost to the light when the dark cloud moved in front of him. He stopped, then pushed forward again. It pulsed desperately and swelled, thinning out to spread itself in his path. He felt Kavanagh tense, his entire body going rigid as he fought his advance. In the glow from the red light Sheppard could make out a sort of doorway, behind which shadowy shapes were moving. It was this doorway the cloud seemed to be protecting.
Sheppard paused for a second and thought. If the cloud was connected to Kavanagh's physical form, maybe it would respond to physical stimuli. He ran a hand over Kavanagh's back, gently. The cloud stilled for a second, suspended in mid-air. Sheppard touched him again, let his hand find a steady, reassuring rhythm as he moved further into Kavanagh's mind, testing his strength against the cloud. Kavanagh gasped, his hands tightening, but the cloud shrank a little and retreated.
Trust me. Trust me. Sheppard moved forward, ever so slowly, gently holding Kavanagh's hands down when they came up to push him away, catching him when he tried to shrink to the other side.
The cloud darkened suddenly and he knew he'd gone too fast. He pulled back, let it move him away from the door, silently berating himself for not being more patient. It stabilized after a few seconds and Kavanagh's body stilled with it. Sheppard took a few minutes to work with him, using his hands and voice as persuasively as he could. The seconds ticked by and Sheppard could feel the frustration building inside him. What if Kavanagh was just too damned stubborn to let him in? He forced the thought from his mind. Kavanagh was responding, he could feel it in the way his spine had reassumed its natural curve and the way his head drooped forward, almost touching Sheppard's shoulder. He waited.
The cloud moved, approaching him for the first time. He concentrated on regulating his breath and felt Kavanagh's breathing start to follow. The cloud was almost upon him when he felt a sudden tug, somewhere in the center of his own cloud. The cloud moved back, then pressed against him again and he felt another tug. He followed the cloud this time when it moved back, but it moved instinctively in front of him as he followed what seemed to be its own direction. Sheppard stopped, confused. Did it want him to go forward? Why was it still blocking him?
A voice broke into his thoughts and he jumped. Kavanagh's hand moved quickly to his arm.
"I can't help it. I can't let you in. You'll have to go through me."
"Kavanagh?"
"Yes. It's in there. I know it is. But I can't move out of the way. I'm not strong enough. Every time you move toward it, I have to block you. I think we have to...go together."
"Are you ok with that? Won't it damage your...whatever that is?" Sheppard wasn't about to commit himself to 'soul' but 'energy cloud' didn't seem to quite cover it either.
"I-I think...probably so." The cloud shrank and drew together.
"Uh...yeah. No go. I said I wouldn't hurt you and I meant it."
The cloud moved forward and he felt it press against his own cloud.
"It's the only way. I'll be all right, as long-as long as you're careful. Don't...go too fast." Kavanagh's body echoed the movement of his mind, pleading with him, his hands sliding up Sheppard's chest.
Sheppard pulled his hands off, angrily.
"You know what you're asking me to do, right? You remember the last time this happened? You were pretty damned pissed afterwards. I'm not doing that again."
Sheppard felt something like a mental kick in the leg, not particularly painful but the resentment was unmistakable. He snorted.
"What? Going to pretend you weren't an asshole about it?"
"Fuck, Sheppard, what do you want? You want me to beg? Is that it? Ok. Fine. I'm begging you. I can't do this by myself, all right?"
It was bizarre, how being in Kavanagh's mind let him sense the whole range of Kavanagh's emotions. Sheppard felt a tinge of guilt at how easy it was to see that the anger was stretched thin and tight over another emotion, one a hundred times more powerful and no less dangerous. It felt like watching a cripple while he tried to dress himself, clumsily, carefully pulling up the pieces of clothing one at a time. His irritation subsided, his lips parting slightly as he felt a tremor in the angry facade, a light shiver that turned into a succession of waves. He pulled his own cloud back.
"You sure you want this?"
Kavanagh snorted.
"You've already fucked me over once. How much more damage do you think you can do?"
It took all of Sheppard's willpower to let the flash of anger go through him unimpeded, let it ebb and fade as quickly as it had sprung up. Kavanagh tensed. Sheppard felt his mind searching for a response, looking for something to fight, to help it strengthen the anger. He kept himself completely still. Kavanagh faltered and Sheppard sensed the other emotion pushing through the widening cracks in the anger. A finger of energy escaped Kavanagh's control and brushed Sheppard's cloud before he could stop it. The touch was feather-light, but he felt it all the way to the center of his cloud. His heart thudded heavily. He had no protection against the dark energy, no way to stop it. To his horror he saw a dark spot blossom and begin to spread, near the center of his own cloud.
"Kavanagh! Put a lid on it, all right? You're going to get us both killed!" Sheppard wondered briefly if he should play Kavanagh's game, give him what he needed to fight back. Maybe that was the only way.
A ripple of energy stabbed through Sheppard's cloud as Kavanagh made a valiant effort to clamp down on the second emotion, not entirely successfully. It shot through his nervous system faster than he could register the sensations, left him shocked and breathless. Every inch of him tingled with the lingering awareness of Kavanagh's intrusion and he wondered if this was what it had felt like when he'd forced himself into Kavanagh's subconscious. He leaned forward until their bodies touched, his head next to Kavanagh's, suddenly needing to know.
"Was that-"
"No. Believe me, you'd know if it was. That was nothing." Contempt added to the anger made a stronger containment field. Sheppard sensed the darker emotion subsiding marginally, held in check by the strength of the other two emotions combined.
"Come on. It couldn't have been that bad."
The black cloud flared.
"What, you don't remember how I looked when I woke up? How the fuck did I look like it felt?"
"Pretty bad," Sheppard admitted. The anger was strong enough now that the other emotion was barely visible.
"I...uh...I guess I thought it was just because I saw...you know...Kavanagh, I swear I didn't-"
"Yeah, well now you know. It was hell, trapped in my own head and I couldn't get you out and you just-" Kavanagh hesitated and went on, hastily, as if trying to convince himself.
"But this time it'll be different. You'll be more careful. It won't be...as bad."
Sheppard could feel the uncertainty behind the thoughts. His stomach curled a little and he felt his facial muscles pull tight, his eyebrows peaking at the inner edges.
"You'd trust me with that? After...well...everything that's happened? "
Kavanagh's lips stiffened. He licked them and let his head turn a fraction toward Sheppard. Sheppard felt his breath, warm and a little too fast against the side of his neck.
"You said you didn't know what you were doing to me, before. I guess I just have to believe you. There's nothing left otherwise. Like you said, it'll-it'll be worth it. Just do it. Please."
Sheppard set his lips. He didn't like it, but it had to be said.
"You asked for it. Just so we're clear on that."
Kavanagh's chin came up. He gulped and sniffed, then nodded shortly, his ear brushing Sheppard's cheek. Sheppard swallowed and pushed directly into the dark cloud.