The Twilight Twenty-Five
Prompt: Dark
Pen name: Amethyst Jackson
Pairing: Edward/Bella
Rating: M

Disclaimer: Neither Twilight nor When Harry Met Sally belongs to me. "All I Ask of You" from Phantom of the Opera doesn't belong to me, either. Please don't sue.

A/N: Thanks to Elizabethan for beta reading!

Chapter Twelve: Dark

"I can't believe they're already moving in together – already engaged," Bella ranted alongside me as we toured the household linens and appliances in an obliging department store.

"I know, it's ridiculous. Who pops the question after two months?" I asked rhetorically. Neither Bella nor I could explain our friends' bizarre behavior. Alice and Jasper were insane, as far as I was concerned. It had taken me a year of dating to move in with Tanya, and another six months after that to pop the question. Then again, look where that had gotten me – divorced before age thirty. I was a ridiculous failure.

"I don't know what to even get them," Bella sighed, blowing out the side of her mouth to push aside a few rogue strands of brown hair. We were going in together on a housewarming-slash-engagement gift for the happy couple.

"Did Alice give you a list?" I asked, having learned of Alice's penchant for obsessive organization.

"No! I don't know what's wrong with her. I'd expected her to register at ten stores, but instead she just told me whatever I picked out would be great." Bella rolled her eyes. "Alice has never trusted my shopping judgment before, and I really wish she wouldn't, actually. I don't have the faintest clue what she wants, and I'm pretty sure she's already bought everything she and Jasper could possibly need. Like, for the rest of their lives."

"Hmm," I mused, poking through sets of flatware. "Jasper must be mellowing her out or something."

"Or something," Bella said, wiggling her eyebrows. I snorted.

"Filthy, Swan. I'm glad I don't know what goes on in that brain of yours," I teased.

"Shut up, Cullen, you know you were thinking it, too," she shot back, elbowing me in the side. I winced. Bella had bony elbows.

"So," I said, staring around helplessly at kitchen appliances, "Any ideas?"

"Nope," Bella replied with emphasis on the P. "You?"

"No," I laughed. "Come on, I'm a man. This is not my forte. You're the woman, you're supposed to be good at these things."

"Says the person who takes ten minutes to order a drink," Bella huffed. "I don't even shop for myself, let alone other people."

"Okay, well, let's tackle this logically," I suggested. "What can we deduce from our knowledge of Jasper and Alice? Would they need…er…kitchen appliances?"

I lifted a combination dicer and grater to show Bella. She shook her head.

"I don't know about Jasper, but Alice is not a cook. Besides a microwave, I don't think she could even operate half the things we could get them."

"Yeah, Jasper can't cook, either. They're going to be doomed together," I sighed, setting aside that option. "Linens?"

"Linens? Have you met Alice? I'm sure she has enough 500-thread-count-Egyptian-cotton sheets to cover the entire city. No, they're probably good on linens."

"Fine home furnishings?" I suggested.

"No," Bella rejected it. "They're both combining their furniture…Alice already has a full living-room set, and I know they bought a new bedroom set…"

"Hmm. This is ridiculous," I said again, crossing my arms. "Okay, should we go to the completely random section?"

Bella laughed. "Sure."

Soon we were sifting through things no sane people ever needed. Five-hundred-dollar coffee makers. Foot massagers. Miniature pinball machines.

"Oh, this is perfect for Jasper," I said, studying the box. "He never met a pinball machine he didn't love."

Bella crinkled her nose. "Perfect for Jasper, but trust me, there's no way Alice is letting that in her house."

"Fair point," I agreed, making a mental note to get it for him as a wedding present. Alice would just have to deal.

"What about this?" Bella asked hopefully, holding up a machine that turned one's bathtub into a Jacuzzi. I laughed.

"Believe it or not, Jasper already has one. Loves his bubble baths."

"You're kidding me," Bella said flatly.

"Unfortunately, no, I'm not," I sighed. If Bella thought I was bad, she never would have made it with Jasper. And I was infinitely pleased about that, still.

"Okay," Bella huffed, pursing her lips, and I could tell she was getting frustrated. "Any bright ideas?"

"Hmm…" I turned in a circle, looking around us at the myriad of boxes plastered with product photos. And then I hit gold. "Oh! A karaoke machine! It's perfect!"

"A karaoke machine?" Bella repeated, sounding unconvinced. I grabbed her hand and dragged her to the unboxed machine that sat out for trial purposes.

"You don't think it's perfect? I know Jasper loves karaoke. And Alice seems like the type who loves attention in any form," I argued, picking up one microphone and looking at the song selection.

"Okay, you have a point there," Bella agreed. Her brown eyes darted toward my hands. "Wait, what are you doing?"

"I'm picking out a song. You will sing with me, won't you?" I said, making my best puppy-dog eyes.

"Uh-uh. No way. I am the worst singer in the history of the world. There's no way I'm doing it in public," Bella stated emphatically.

"That's what she said," I joked gleefully. "And then I convinced her," I added with a wink. Bella glared at me, unimpressed.

"Oh, come on. One song?"

"Fine," Bella sighed. "One. And I'm not turning on the microphone."

"Okay," I agreed, fairly certain I could turn the microphone on for her without her noticing. "They've got showtunes in right now…ooh, Phantom of the Opera!"

"You are such a girl," Bella snorted.

"I just happen to like the music, okay?" I defended, making my selection. "It's not my fault you're completely lacking any and all girl genes."

"Well, for someone with no girl genes, I do seem to have the parts," Bella shot back, grabbing her breasts for emphasis. I snapped my eyes shut and struggled to keep my cool. I could take a lot when it came to Bella, but even I couldn't ignore her grabbing her own breasts. I was only human.

"Wimp," she huffed, poking me in the arm to get me to open my eyes again.

"Oh, it's starting," I said, shushing her and picking up her microphone. I stealthily pushed the switch up to turn it on. Bella was too busy glaring at me to notice.

I waited for the intro to finish before I chimed in. "No more talk of darkness, forget these wide-eyed fears, I'm here –" I began to sing before Bella cut me off.

"Oh, of course you'd be great at this. That's so not fair. I'm not doing this with you," she pouted.

"Oh, yes, you are. Now get ready, your turn is coming."

Bella heaved a sigh and lifted her microphone. "Say you'll love me every waking moment – hey! You ass, you turned my microphone on," Bella complained.

"Just go with it," I sighed. "No one's around anyway!"

"Oh, fine," she grumbled.

"Let me be your shelter, let me be your light, you're safe, no one will find you, your fears are far behind you," I sang, until something popped into my peripheral vision. I turned my head and saw the last two people in the world I ever would have wanted to see.

Bella went on singing, oblivious. "All I want is freedom, a world with no more night, and you, always beside me – what, what is it? It's my voice, isn't it? You hate my voice. I can't blame you, it's terrible…"

"It's Tanya," I said, dry-mouthed.

"Tanya?" Bella repeated into her microphone, which I quickly snatched away from her.

Bella turned to follow my gaze as Tanya and the hulking 'roid-case beside her approached us. Tanya looked perfect, of course. Not one strawberry-blond hair was out of place, and her perfectly manicured hand wrapped around one of the Hulk's biceps. I cast a glance at his face and found that he was looking Bella up and down, and I wrapped my arm protectively – okay, possessively – around her. She felt very tiny, tucked into my side.

"Edward," Tanya simpered. "How have you been?"

"Fine," I answered automatically, then thought better. "Great. Perfect. You?"

"I've been well," she replied, smiling tightly. "You know Jacob Black, don't you?"

"Sure," I said coldly. Then reluctantly, "This is Bella Swan."

"Charmed, I'm sure," Tanya said, and I had one of those moments – more frequent lately – in which I wondered why I'd ever married her.

"Likewise," Bella said, but she didn't sound charmed at all, and her eyes were hard. I fought back a smile. Bella could go from kitten to tiger in a second flat.

"Well," Tanya said, looking discerningly between us, "Have a nice day."

And then they were gone.

Bella turned to me with worry shining out of her big, brown eyes. "Edward? Are you okay?"

Was I? I wasn't sure. I hated that Tanya had left me for a freak of nature, and I hated even more that he'd had the audacity to look at Bella the way he did. I felt full of black rage. I wanted to punch somebody – namely, Jacob Black, but an obliging stranger would work, too.

Bella tugged at my arm, and I took a deep breath.

"Yeah," I finally said. "Fine. I'm fine."