OMG I AM SO SORRY EVERYONE. i can't believe how long i haven't uploading and all i can do is apologise over and over again and obviously... give you another chapter. i have been so busy with school and horse riding that i have neglected you! thank you Comrade'sRoza for reviewing yeserday because the moment i saw that today, i got writing and here you go. getting the chapter 2 days early.
Guess what, it's the school holidays! so, you can soon be expecting more or less daily updates! whoop whoop. no more neglecting on my behalf.
and thank you so much for the lovely reviews and votes from Comrade'sRoza (of course), Clairedian (thank you so much, sadly they don't do the rescueing), BELLA X STARFIRE7745231 (you still have Rose's cliffie ;-) ), anonymous1234 (thank you! it will definitely be going much faster now), Aaru (thank you and for the vote), and last but not least iamlol21, thank you!...
everyone voted in favour of another POV so here you go :-) hope you guys enjoy and give me feedback please! i did this tonight so not properly proofread, please excuse's typos :-D
DPOV! (6 months after Rose 'died')
She stood there; deep, mesmerising hair billowing out behind her in the gale of wind, giving the image she had the world in her hands. She was perched atop a mountain of strigoi bodies, looking out at me with an alien calmness and sense of absolute, cold control. Her chocolate orbs scanning the horizon. Suddenly, arms reached out of the body pile and started grappling her legs, pulling her down into the blood and gore that they came from. More limbs exploded out, clutching at air as deathly moans filled the atmosphere. A sickly heat blew through me as she started sinking, joining the dead without a fight. The whole way, staring at me as if to say 'you could have saved me'. Finally, I found my voice and screamed her name. Tried to run for her but it was like I was running through thick jelly, enveloping my senses. She was disappearing from my sight. I couldn't let her go, had to save her, she was going to die. She wasn't fighting back, why wasn't she fighting back? Can't reach her in time. No! Heart beat pummelling. Boom boom BOOM…
I jerked upright, crying out to someone who wasn't there. Limbs trembling, I pushed my forehead into my sweaty palms. It was only a dream. Only a dream. Only the dream which haunted my sleep every night, plagued my thoughts every waking moment. Turned my living nightmare into torture from hell. I should have been there, saved her. My sweet Roza, sweet, sweet Roza. Oh how I have failed you. Not only was I not there, but you would have wanted me to get on with my life. Live to the fullest for you. Instead, I am wallowing in self-pity and guilt because you are not here to save me. I deserve it, I didn't save you. You are probably looking over me: tutting at all my failures, the thought of it causing my guilt to spiral out of control and worsen my failures. Everlasting circle. Guilt for not only you, but also all the innocents I killed and jeered as I sucked the life out of them. Not only were you my love, but you kept the darkness away. Without you, I have nothing to keep myself rooted to life.
I remember when Roza first went missing. How I had stormed through guardian headquarters, demanding anyone to find her. The memories were so fresh, the feelings that had blurred into my mind all at the same time: grief, pain, sadness, loss, hope, devastation, desolation. I had been a madman but would do it all again if it meant seeing my Roza again. When there had been no traces of her; the sheer despair I had felt made me want to rip apart into a million pieces. I had eventually managed to collect enough guardians to scour most of America but nothing had come up. She was just a dhampir; it was hard enough organising a small search party, even with the Queen on our side. How could anyone believe 'they come first', when Rose had the same personal values to a moroi and she had been taken. Someone had lost a love, a sister, a daughter, a best friend, a bond mate. Hardly anyone batted an eyelid.
Tears threatened to fall so I gruffly rubbed them away and gripped the bed sheets with clenched fists. Although it was an hour before I had to get up for duty, there was no point in trying to fall asleep and get swept away by the nightmares. I had resigned as Christian's guardian, stupid decision but it was for the best. When I'm ready, I will ask the queen to have my place back but for now, I was content with guarding the front gate. It was a boring job but I no longer cared, any time away from Roza was infinite. I initially wanted to work at the front gate so that I could monitor if Rose would miraculously appear again, even after her death was announced. But it never happened; never did I see her beautiful face again. In the end, I was more of a danger to Christian than a protector. I was too occupied with my Rose plagued thoughts that I could not put my full attention into looking out for Christian. Nor would I put up much of a fight against strigoi if they chose to attack him. Yes, I was one of the best in the business, but since my purpose in life was taken, there was no point in fighting for my life against the strigoi. Nowadays, I lived more mechanical.
Slowly, I pulled my running outfit on and entered the cold, winter air. Rubbing my fingers together to catch their last threads of warmth, I set off. Jogging through the thick mist and out onto the fields beyond the gym which was stationed close to my apartment. There were a few early morning runners but I picked the most deserted area where I could easily keep to myself and withdraw within the shell I had built around myself. After 5 miles of running, my legs started burning but I ignored it, pushing myself to sprint the last mile. Smiling inwardly as I imagined Rose desperately trying to prove herself to me whilst running when I used to be her mentor. Always pushing herself through agony to sprint the last part of the run so she wouldn't fall behind me. That was my Roza. Now, she is an amazing runner, almost unbeatable… well, was. How much I prayed I wasn't right, yet there is a time where you have to come to terms with reality. Face the fact she wasn't coming back.
After beating the dummy to a pulp and doing a couple of cool-down stretches, I strode back to the apartment and took a long shower. Thinking of Roza's smell after she would emerge from her showers, the way the water made the ends of her hair curl upwards and how her smile would light up her damp face as she looked me straight in the eye with such love and happiness. How did I ever deserve such love after all the terrible things I had done. I slipped into my guardian attire and quickly munched through a bowl of cereal. The silence was unbearable. Reminding me of my loneliness, the house was so empty without Roza tearing through it like a tornado of energy. Not even music could break the silence, she hated my music taste. It was like a piece of my soul had disappeared with her. I never felt content or whole without her. There was always that void of silence that was stored within me. Even if she was actually a strigoi, I would rather stake myself than her. I would like to think I would have the courage to pursue her and fulfil my promise but it would be so painful. Maybe I could find a middle way and stake her and then stake myself. (Or get a spirit user to bring her back but I could never burden one with such a task, or burden her with the mental state she would be left in). However, she would never approve of me giving in to suicidal measures. Hell, the thought of her watching me was what kept me out of complete depression and loss. You wouldn't expect much more from an ex strigoi guardian anyway.
When I reached the front gates to take over my 8 hour shift, my fellow guardian's curtly nodded towards me in respect and I responded in kind. Although they were the less experienced/qualified guardians, they were understanding. None of them disrespected my relationship with Rose like many of the others and they all understood why I had decided to reside in this position. Leaving me in my own thoughts but always looking at me as a leading figure. I'd even got to know them quite well, know them as friends. There were a couple of very promising guardians amongst them, one being Joe Orgev who was currently on shift with me. We chatted a lot, mainly about work and his aspirations but today, he automatically knew it would be a silent day.
In total, 37 cars travelled into court and at each one, I would instantly search desperately for Rose's perfect frame. Each car continued to disappoint so I left Joe to question the passengers and deem whether they were safe or not. No threats today, each traveller seemed genuine and our job was done. At the end of our shift, I hurried to change out of the uniform and into something more casual to go on a long walk for no particular reason. Just to take my mind off dark thoughts, keep me sane. I don't understand how Rose could ever control her spirit induced darkness when I could barely control my own induced darkness. My only control was to think like robot, it's basically what guardians were trained to do after all. But I lost all sense for it when I met Roza and my passion and love her overwrote anything I had been taught. At least no one could pry through my mask and see my pain, except the Queen. But she had killed my strigoi part so she had every right, oh, and of course Adrian with the whole aura reading thing. Even after the hatred he felt towards me for taking Rosa from him (and probably also for causing her pain when I was restored), there was a tiny spot of sympathy somewhere in his clouded eyes, somewhere. I didn't resent his hatred; to be honest, if I was him, I would treat myself much worse.
For unknown reasons, I found myself outside the Queen's palace. Lissa was pacing just outside in deep thought, obviously trying to catch fresh air away from the unsatisfied royals who expected the world at their feet. I don't blame her. As soon as she saw me, her ragged face lit up slightly and she ushered me forward.
"Dimitri, gosh how are you doing? You haven't visited in so long it seems. I was just catching some air from the royals who have no respect for myself and neither for the dhampirs. Sometimes I wonder about the world I now control. Anyway, are you alright? What brings you here?" did she just say that all in one breath? could I tell her the truth or just feed her the lies which she never believed? She had taken Rose's death just as hard as I had. How could she not after being so close to Rose since such a young age. However, her Queenly duties had to kick in and she managed to bury the tragedies deep in herself. I wish I was that strong.
"Well, I guess I just ended up in front of your palace when I subconsciously decided I owed you a visit. And I'm alright, same old same old. Nothing's changed really. Just finished duty without excitement and taking a nice walk." It wasn't a complete lie, although Lissa knew better and could easily detect my pain and grief from a mile away. Yet I knew she wouldn't push the matter, she hadn't lost her respect for me like so many others and my respect for her was only growing. We chatted as friends for a few minutes without bringing Rose up like usual before she excused herself to return to her duty.
Whilst retreating from palace grounds, I came across Castile who had been monitoring Lissa's time outside. Even though he clearly didn't want to break protocol, he paused next to me and dropped his voice so only I could hear. "Rose wouldn't want you to mope around like you are. I know it's been tough on you – and believe me, when you lost a girlfriend, I lost a sister – but the best way you can honour her memory is to get one with life. She would want you to resume your duties, continue your badass reputation and stop drowning in self-pity. Think of her, her life, her energy, how can you make her proud. Don't just think of the loss and wrong doings you falsely believe you have done. Respect her belief that you had no control over yourself when you were strigoi and make her memory an inspiration to become a better person. Think about it Belikov." And with that, he turned and left, hurrying after Lissa. Wow. Never had anyone spoke to me so bluntly, it was everything I had heard before but never in one go. Castile had become a friend over time and he was great at his job but we rarely spoke since Rose left. I always believed he was too nice to deliver such a wakeup call, clearly not. I stared in the direction he had taken off in and replayed his words in my head on repeat. The only thing I could reply with was that he was right, in every sense of the word. I had to move on. Obviously, I would never love someone again like a loved Rose or ever be unfaithful to her but it didn't mean I couldn't continue with the next stage of my life with the past in the past. I always knew this but to be told it so upfront was something else. Like being drenched in a bucket of cold water. The shame Rose must feel if she ever looks down at me from where she might be now. No, it mustn't continue. This didn't mean I couldn't search for her in the crowd every day or remind myself of her overpowering features every morning, afternoon, and evening. It simply meant to live my life for her when she couldn't live her own. I had to make her proud, make her see that I hadn't turned into a depressed coward.
The first step I could take would be to resume as Christian's guardian, maybe I could convince the Queen to get me on the rota although I would probably have to prove myself by guarding a lesser royal first. It didn't matter. I had to work for my reputation again; if it was handed to me on a plate, there would be no dignity or pride in that. It had been me who quit my perfect job which other guardian's fought for (literally) and I would have to fight for it again.
That night, I didn't thrash and scream in my sleep. Instead, I dreamt of seeing my beautiful Roza's face, feeling her lips beneath mine, hearing her honey giggle and she danced into the night.
and there you go, please tell me if you think dimitri is too depressed or anything. you still have Rose's cliffie to mull over so have fun with that. will definitely post to you soon! i live to serve, thank you again for the support and
I LOVE YOU GUYS... if you review :-P