Nell couldn't believe he was running away and despite the frustration and hurt she felt, caused by his refusal, annoyance about his action prevailed and she started to run, following him to the door he just went through. With a loud bang against the wall, she slammed the metal door to the car park open and could see him entering his car. "Don't you dare running away from me, G Callen" she angrily yelled after him without decelerating but he just closed the car door and floored the gas pedal. With squealing tires he drove to the exit and disappeared.

Nell stopped running. Leaning with her back against a pillar she slowly squatted down, burying her head in her hands.

"Miss Jones," Nell jumped when she heard Hetty's voice next to her and looked up "I'm sure he's heading to his address. He would never go anywhere without his few mementos. Follow him… I deposited something inside for him, as I expected something like that when I prepared myself yesterday for our today's conversation, and I am positive that this will let him stay in his house for a little while until he's actually going to leave." Nell stood up, admitting to herself that the older woman in front of her was probably right. "Okay, Hetty" she replied hesitantly and after a moment of thinking she turned to face her. "One other thing… I don't want you to fill in my parents. I want to tell them myself. I want to take Callen with me then - provided that he will let me into his life. I want to do that when he's up for it and when I feel it's the right time. Primary, I've got a father who I'd like to get to know…" With brisk pace and without waiting for Hetty's reply, she went to follow the man who was once more on the run.

When she started to keep up pace to take the shortest way to Callen's house, she heard Hetty yelling after her "And please, bring him back. I can't bear to lose him like the others…" Nell was astonished about Hetty's outburst, which came out so desperately, filled with pain, hope and possessive emotions in her voice and she felt this was an indication of why Hetty had operated like she had with her, with Callen… in particular with Callen. And she could make something out in Hetty's eyes, something she never had considered possible, when she glanced back at her: Loneliness. The experienced Operations Manager, the Duchess of Deception, the seasoned old spy was in fact a lonely, poor soul! But now was neither the time for sympathy nor was she willing to agitate that. Your loss, Hetty! Should I be able to bring him back, I'll bring him back for me and the team, but above all for himself. Not for your salvation…

.*.*.*.*.

When Callen arrived at his house to grab his few belongings a book, lying on his bed roll, caught his eye and he dropped his work bag down, leaving it unnoticed in a corner. When he lifted the book, he was surprised to have it here - in his house! It had not been there when he left the house in the morning. He had identified it as Jackie's diary the minute he had noticed it but wasn't really sure if this actually could be and he examined it carefully only to figure out it indeed once belonged to Jackie. He suddenly could feel his heartbeat, pounding strong and fast against his ribs, and holding his breath he placed himself in the middle of the living room floor. His fingers slid slightly over the soft leather, caressing it with tenderness as if he was stroking over Jackie's soft skin. Closing his eyes he tried to envision her delicate features and exhaled slowly before he turned the cover and a paper fell off the book onto his lap.

It was a rather short letter and he could identify Hetty's handwriting. Struggling whether to read it first or not he clenched his teeth, wondering what this old spy still wanted to tell him or do to him this time. Curiosity about what her poor attempt of explanation would be like won over him. When he unfolded the paper, he suddenly held an old photo, red-tinged and with tattered edges, in his hands. It was picturing Jackie while she was stroking over her baby bump, smiling quite happily. But in her brown eyes he found desperate and fearful glints mixed up with hope and joy. Her hair was a bit shorter than in his memories but still long enough to reach her shoulders. In the rear of the photo he could see two little boys playing in a sand pit in front of a nice bungalow. Callen turned the photo. 'Our daughter Jackie, April 1986' was written on the back. He tried to swallow the lump in his throat down and – grit your teeth and get to it - he forced himself to read. The letter. First.

"Dear Mr. Callen,

'I will find out who I am and who my family was – with or without anyone's help' were the words you spoke to me shortly before I returned to work some time after we came back from Romania.

'Yes you will, Mr. Callen' was my answer.

I never expected you to find a part of your family so early, indeed without anyone's help. Before you are going to blame me for not telling you where other family members probably live, I will sincerely ensure you, that I haven't got any further knowledge of that.

There will never be precise words to let you know, how empty and regretful I feel about the circumstances this all turned out. I know I did so much wrong referring to you and Miss Jones. When I recall the past I have to admit to getting more and more egotistic. In case of my telling the truth, I feared to lose the one remaining person in my life that means so much to me. I feared to lose you. I have already lost some great agents: Sullivan, than Hunter. And Grace had almost been killed that day. They are all former foster kids. Not forgetting the loss of Mr. Vail and Mr. Renko of late years. I couldn't bear the thought you would turn away from me and I would lose you, too. I always cared for 'my' foster kids, as I had never had the chance to have kids on my own. I didn't see it coming, when my being selfish turned into obsession.

I had not figured out, that after Romania, you would be able to take care of yourself and my help or protection wasn't required any more. The biggest threat was almost eliminated back then. You are right when you are blaming me for not to inform you about your relationship with Miss Jones at least then. Anyhow Vasile Comescu is still alive and my fear for Miss Jones' life remains unchanged as I still do worry about yours.

You had to endure and suffer a lot over the past decades in your life and I truly feel guilty to see you like that. I can see it now: I am the only one that in the end hurt you the most. I don't want to let it remain unmentioned that I always loved you like the own son I sadly never had. The best thing for now should be to put a distance between myself and you and I perceived the necessity for me to utilize professional attendance. I wish you to be happy which is only possible without me. That is why I have decided to leave OSP for an indefinite period of time and have asked Director Vance to let Owen Granger take over as your Operations Manager in the time to come.

I only hope for the best for you and Miss Jones.

Farewell,

Hetty"

Hetty's letter left Callen speechless for a moment.

How could that all have turned out that way? There had always been mutual respect and trust between them. There had been so many 'tea-sessions' and intense conversations between them in which she never held back with motherly advice towards him. She had always been there for him and seemed to understand his instability and self-doubts, something he was barely showing to Sam and never to his subordinating agents and other team members. Somehow she knew him and his issues like a good mother knows her child. He remembered her, covering him with a blanked after a case while he was pretending to sleep in the bullpen. Somehow she cared for him. But why that? Why had she, too, treated him with a carrot and a stick like so many others in his life had done to him before?

.*.*.*.*.

He decided to get himself a Coors light to think over Hetty's behavior for a while before he finally started do read Jackie's diary. It would still take some time to read through it. There was no need to hurry.

Jackie had moved from family to family to orphanage and to another family and so on that she had her issues to trust someone else and had felt as alone as he did. Her experiences as a foster kid were quite alike his'. There were a lot of entries about ups and downs in her life and he flicked through some entries until he read about the day they first met.

June 28th, 1985

I met a boy today… He came out of nowhere and played my knight in shining armor when two guys attacked me in a dark alley. After that incident, we decided to stay together on the streets for a while. Now I have company. But he isn't very talkative. He seems to be shy, uncertain and skeptical. He had been in several foster homes and had escaped the last one because his foster dad there beat him up constantly. This is all well-known to me… He calls himself Callen, only Callen. Says he has no first name. I think that this is a bit strange. But he seems to be a good guy.

July 5th, 1985

Last night we were watching fireworks. The city of angels celebrated the Independence Day and we had walked up the Hollywood Hills to have a better view. Callen and I celebrated our special Independence Day, because at the moment we are independent, sort of. That means we currently aren't trapped in a foster home. When I look into his intense blue eyes, they show so much hurt and with the words he's saying he appears older than he actually is. He is one year younger than me, only 15, and had been to so many foster homes and orphanages already I lost track of. And I could see it in his reaction that there must have been some very bad ones. But he wasn't ready to share it with me yet. He doesn't trust easily. An unpleasant familiar pattern…

July 18th, 1985

We met some people from a travelling circus and joined them. That's good. We're moving northwards with them. We can help them with the animals and in return they offered us food and a place to sleep. We just have one bed to share, but it's okay for me. He first wanted to take his bed roll to sleep on, but there's barely room to enroll it on the trailer's floor. I think I can trust him and he's making no approaches. I have a feeling that he tries to trust me too. He opens up a little more every day and it seems he had gone through the same hell like I did. It's strange that I feel safe with him near me and that I feel at ease with someone in the same bed. And it's weird and wonderful, but I am able to get some sleep. When I was by myself in the past, I always feared someone uninvited to join me… during the nights.

August 14th, 1985

The travelling circus stopped at Lake Tahoe eight days ago and set up a camp and yesterday our buddies from the circus continued on their way. I think I fell in love with that place… It's so beautiful here. I felt it was time to move on alone and decided to stay here at Lake Tahoe… I would imagine Callen and I became very good friends the past weeks. And I was glad he was going to stay with me. We found a small cabin here amidst the woods near the lake. Nobody seems to have lived in here for a long time. There is a living room with a fire place and an old kitchen range in a corner, a small basic bathroom, a nice porch with view over the lake and a bedroom. We are so used to sleeping in one bed now that we automatically continued to do that, although there, too, is a small couch in the bedroom. Nine times out of ten we awoke entangled lately. I'm relieved to know now that it's not the rule to feel uncomfortable or ashamed when being held by someone else. My thoughts don't wander off to another place anymore and I don't wish me to be anywhere else. I wonder what he feels about me.

Remembering these days made Callen pause for a moment. He had trusted Jackie more and more with every new day and had asked himself exactly the same question back then. What did she feel for him? Did she only see a companion in him? For protection? Or was he just like a little brother to her? As he wasn't sure about that and way too inexperienced and unconfident just to risk their friendship with rash behavior, not knowing the output when he would try to make approaches to her, he had decided to wait and see. Maybe he could notice any signs that could help him. Their friendship was still fragile at this time and he was very tentative in his actions as he treasured their closeness with care, too afraid of losing her before he would ever get the chance to have her.

August 22nd, 1985

Oh my. First I thought I made a big mistake. It was just a barely-there kiss on his lips. It was his open smile and his shining, soft ocean-blue eyes that made me lay next to him on the floor in front of the open fire. He removed a strand of my hair from my face and I don't know what I was thinking at that moment but I kissed Callen. And he did… nothing. Boy, I felt so embarrassed! Oh my God, I wanted to flee out of the room but than his hand grabbed mine and he kissed me back! And, well, I don't know exactly how… but one thing lead to another and we couldn't stop. I never thought I could really feel that way for anyone. I never thought I would be able to enjoy being touched that way. He made me feel comfortable with every single move he made, every single kiss he gave me and he made me feel genuinely loved.

August 27th, 1985

We're enjoying our time at the lake, go swimming and hiking. We explore our surroundings, too, or try to provide us with something to eat. That's a bit tricky sometimes and we have to be quick on our feet to scoot unseen… It's nearly perfect here. Our favorite place is in front of the open fire in 'our' cabin while holding each other tight. I got a new lemon shampoo today and he seems to like it as he inhales it all the time, burying his nose in my hair, his hands playing with my strands. That's cute and makes me laugh.

We started to share our memories about our foster homes step-by-step. It helps. Talking about it helps to cope with it. It's so sad to hear from Callen that he doesn't know anything about his family. Not even his first name. He just knows the first letter of it: G. I'm glad he trusts me enough to share his issues with me now.

We're actually making future plans. We want to keep hiding here, waiting until he's 18, when he would never have to go back into a foster home, and then we could go get to work somewhere, rent an apartment and start a domestic life together. We don't need much more besides each other. For now, I love my life like it is.

August 30th, 1985

We are busted. Yesterday, the police took us into a children's home in Carson City first. They found out that he came from Californian foster care and so they brought him back today. I'm feeling so alone. They took my soul mate away from me. I have no words to describe how I feel. Only tears.

How did it all go so wrong? Their naïve teenage dreams burst like soap bubbles the minute a police patrol had caught them. They had been brought to a police station. There it didn't take the officers too long to find out they were two runaways and he and Jackie went straight into an orphanage again, waiting to become accommodated in the next foster home. Separated. Of course. He still could sense the pain and hurt that separation had done to him even though it had happened years ago.

September 19th, 1985

Four weeks! I'm grounded for four weeks. And I'm back to Nevada in a children's home, not allowed to leave my room. It's not permitted for a runaway like me. Three weeks without him. Three weeks after they had found and separated us. Three weeks without a sign of him. I think they brought him back to California. I miss him. It's strange, but I never felt that much for anyone before.

September 27th, 1985

I should be happy. Today's the first day I'm allowed to go into the garden again. But I'm not feeling good. Something is wrong. And there still is no sign of him. And I don't know what to do to find him. Where is he? Hope he's alright.

October 1st, 1985

I'm in foster care now. The family is nice: A friendly couple with almost two-year-old twin toddlers. They are so cute. I go to school again. Missed some stuff but I'll give it a try. The school year just started a few weeks ago and I think I'll catch up. What else shall I do instead? I'm still feeling unwell.

October 8th, 1985

I didn't go to school today: vomited this morning. They say it's probably a stomach bug. I'm so tired. I could sleep all day.

October 20th, 1985

Sickness won't stop. I'm puking several times a day now. And I didn't consider it before but I think I'm several weeks overdue. Jesus! This cannot be happening! Miss him, need to talk to him. He would listen to me, he would hold me and he would soothe my nerves. I'm sure. I don't know what to do.

November 2nd, 1985

My foster mom knows. She had been asking me straightforward this morning when I came back from the bathroom. She took me into her arms, comforting me when I started crying. She is a very warm-hearted woman. She did not adress any reproaches to me. I'm feeling comfy with her. Tomorrow she'll accompany me to the doc.

November 3rd, 1985

God help me. I have it in black and white now. I'm twelve or thirteen weeks pregnant, due date in the middle of May. G where are you? I'm scared of this. Wonder how to find you. I've got no idea where to start. Do you miss me as badly as I do miss you?

Do you remember when we first met? I should have known it better. I was so foolish, walking into this dark alley back then. But you were there for me. You helped me out, without needing to do that. This is so you, forgetting to think about yourself. These guys started to beat you up instead of me but you were fighting until a police car unexpectedly drove by and made these dorks bolt. I could see you were getting nervous and you told me you had to run away too. I told you I'd better follow you than to go to the police and you took my hand, pulling me quickly into the darkness of the alley. It turned out you had been living there for a couple of days and I asked you to come with me anywhere else what lead us across California and northward to Lake Tahoe in the end…

Callen paused when the memories returned into his mind. This all somehow reminded him about the incident in the bar with Nell. He had been very possessive towards Nell (what he now affiliated on the separation from Jackie back then) and aggressive towards her attacker what most probably had to do with this experience in the alley with Jackie. Before he continued reading he grabbed another beer from the fridge.

December 25th, 1985

I'm about twenty weeks pregnant now and I received a great Christmas present. I felt the baby kicking me the first time, very slightly, just as if the wings of a butterfly would touch you inside! That's so sweet. I'm in love. I'm in love with that little creature, growing inside of me! G, I wish you were here and could share this with me. Although I don't know how to find you I hope someday I will be able to say to you that 'I love you' again. I know I said it before but I want you to know that I truly mean it.

January 17th, 1986

G, you won't believe what happened and I wish you were here with me. My foster parents told me they wanted to adopt me and the baby. They both are so incredible. I'm so happy, I can't tell…

February 14th, 1986

I'm improving in school. To know that the baby is perfectly fine and to know that there is finally a family that cares for me, helps me to find my way. Without you, G, my life will never be complete but it's a start and I have to move on.

March 11th, 1986

It finally happened. I'm now Jackie Matthews. I've got a family and that's awesome! I think the baby is feeling it too, that I'm pretty happy now. It's almost kicking me the whole day! I can't believe how much power my sweetie already has and how hard this little one can kick!

Happy 16th birthday to you, G! I hope you are having a nice day with nice people around you. I'm thinking about you every spare minute. I miss you so much!

April 19th, 1986

I just want to scream and shout! Why? My new mom promised me to help me with the baby. She's such a good woman. But the system is going to take my child away from me. I don't understand the reasons. I stopped listening to the social worker when she told me this today. I couldn't follow her explanations. It ain't fair! I need to go… I never would leave my baby behind.

With one hand, Callen ran over his face and covered his mouth, trying to understand the desperation she must have sensed when she was aware of being alone. And with a queasy feeling in his gut, afraid of what was coming next, he was shivering, barely having the courage to continue reading with the knowledge of how it all turned out in the end.

May 3rd, 1986

I feel that the baby is really due. Every single move hurts. I'm feeling like a beached whale, hardly able to walk. The baby is kicking strong, but less lastly, I guess it hasn't much room any more. I must look like I'm going to explode any second… I just want the best for my child and will always take care of it, but in case that something bad will happen, I decided to write a little letter about me to my sweetie. And in addition, I can't stand it anymore. Being separated from G, I mean. After childbirth, I will go and find him!

May 15th, 1986

Oh my God, she's beautiful! In the early morning I gave birth to a little baby girl. I will call her Nell. My mother's name was Nell (Helen, to be correct, but everybody called her Nell). It means 'ray of light'. I thought this name is doing justice to this peacefully sleeping girl in my arms. She is my bright sunshine. For her it's worth to go on. For her it was worth to endure these incredible painful contractions. For her it's worth to be on my own. I don't want her to be trapped in 'this' system.

May 16th, 1986

Something is terribly wrong. I'm feeling weak and sick. And my head spins. And there's so much blood! I know, after delivery that it's normal to bleed for several weeks, but that strong? I am scared. What if it's not okay? There is a church near here. I will try to reach it with Nell and hope for help.

…if the worst comes to the worst and I won't be able to tell it to anyone and whoever might read this may please try to find him… G Callen, * 3/11/70. He is Nell's father. He is a foster kid, most likely anywhere in California.

G, I love you.

This was her very last entry. He knew what had happened afterwards to Jackie and it was as if a brick wall that had protected his soul through all those years, fell down around him, and all these memories - good and bad ones - came back again. He felt a pain hitting him that strong he was barely able to remain sitting so he rolled over on one side into a fatal curl and couldn't hold back his tears. Once he had allowed himself to let out his feelings it was like a single tear joined a course of a stream which was building up to a river.

He couldn't imagine how long he must have been lying that way until he had collapsed but when he was able to think straight again, he felt all cold. He felt as if someone corded up his chest when the bad thoughts turned back into his mind. He turned on his back and remained lying on the floor not feeling capable of standing up or moving again. Lost in his thoughts he almost didn't hear the clicking noise coming from the outside of his front door and grabbing his gun he listlessly moved to hide behind a wall, waiting.

Callen heard footsteps and someone was tentatively entering his house. He reached out his left hand when the intruder was near enough and grabbed him from behind to have that bastard in a headlock. With his other hand he pointed the gun at the other one's head. The stranger squirmed under his hold and once he became aware of whom he had captured he immediately relinquished his hold, shocked, to let his uninvited guest drop like a hot stone.