CHAPTER 12: Anne

I blow out a long breath I didn't even realise I had been holding in. That was it. It was over, the worst was over. We had been once more in the same room. What had happened to us? Once we had been so close, no two people so together, two hearts merged into one. No feelings so similar. Now we're like strangers, worse than strangers. Because we can never be anything more. We would always be apart. It hurt so much. Like the only part left of my heart had died. Yet, this is what I always wanted for him. For him to be happy, successful, and to meet someone else.

Still ... Louisa! Lizzie's clone-come-best friend. What was it she had said? "Wouldn't have known me" Really? That's what he thinks, have I changed that much? Maybe it was just her being catty like when we were at school. But no, he'd been there, stood by, while she said it and never contradicted her. Wow. Talk about kicking a girl when she's down. I pull out a clump of grass in rage and let it fall through my fingers. This was my fault. It was always my fault.

He had changed. All for the better of course. Why shouldn't he? He had the designer clothes, tan, heck even his hair cut looked expensive. The car he drove, all the little clues he's done exactly what he'd always said, he'd made it. I always knew he would. His actual appearance seemed to have change too though. He'd always been gorgeous but now he had grown into his looks, he was thirty one and had the odd worry lines but he still made my knees weak to look at him. His voice was deeper. He seemed broader, larger, maybe it was just my memory plating tricks on me, apart from the odd magazine photo here and there, I hadn't seen him in eight years. I'd kept track with his career of course, all the awards and critical acclaim. I knew from being in the business singers that were lining up to work with him. Something luckily I'd always avoided even to my own end.

My last album. Eugh! What a waste of time and money. My head and heart weren't in it. The writers were less than useless. I'd been approached by TMR, the company Fred worked for and I'd refused, too proud for my own good, that was the last straw, I was out, contract over. That's when everything spiralled out of control. I'd asked my accountant how set up I was, did I have to work again? Then all the stuff about my dad came out and I realised I'd lost everything. Don't get me wrong, I was far from skint. I had material things- property, I could sell, but all the hard work, all the stuff I'd thrown my self into trying to get over him, it was all lost. I closed my eyes to prevent the tears from falling. I never let myself cry. If I started, I wouldn't stop.

I know Mary's dying to ask me about how we know each other. Her eyes said as much when we were in the hall way. I'll just tell her the truth, we were at school together. We fell in love, he asked me to marry him, I shattered all his hopes and dreams along with his heart. Well, maybe not the whole truth!

Suddenly I can feel someone watching me. I risk a look out of the corner of my eye and I know its him. Even without seeing him clearly. It the way he makes me feel when he's near me. It was always the same. Even though we're separated by a wall of glass its like he's stood behind me now whispering in my ear, about how strong and amazing I am. I close my eye for a second and I can feel his breath on my neck. I casually change position and sit closer to the wall near the sand pit so I can pretend my focus is solely on the boys. I have my back to him and I can still feel his blue eyes burning into me. I hear Mary say something and realise the top windows must be open. I carefully try to block out the kids for a minute while I listen to their conversation.

Mary! "deserve what I got," wanted her husband, is he for real? Is my family just out to get me or what? She had to do it, she had to tell him that story. God knows what he thinks of me now, some awful woman who breaks the heart of any man who tries to get close to her. But then, do I care? It was eight years ago Anne, and honestly I don't think you need any of that sort of distraction in your life right now.

I grab the boys round their middles blowing raspberry's on their bellies and tickle their ribs until their howling for 'Aunty Anne to please stop it'. I reluctantly let them go. God I love these kids. I sometimes let myself wonder how different my life could have been. All these years living like a shadow. Never feeling completely whole no matter what I do. When I think how mortified Mary was to be pregnant at nineteen. I would have given anything to swap places with her. When I was younger I often thought about the future, about being a mum, having a home instead of a house. But when ever I saw the face of the man I would share it with it was always the same blue eyes that looked adoringly at our children and me. I hadn't let myself have those dreams for eight years. Not even when Charlie and I were together. I tried. I tried so hard to make myself fall in love with him. But I think then I was always meant to love him more as a brother than a lover. He made me feel the same as Chris Croft. I loved them to bits, but I was never in love with them. And there's a huge difference.

I risk a glance back at the window wall. Fred has left. I look at Mary as she stands leaning against her immaculate designer kitchen, in her immaculate designer outfit, gulping down her champagne like its water. She really is pretty, light brown curls framing her freckled her face. She could be so more prettier if she just smiled more. I don't get it, as she said, Charlie chose her. Okay, so it was technically after he started to get serious with me, and I freaked out and pushed him away, but even so. She does have the best life, she has a lovely home, a family. Two gorgeous little boys who love her unconditionally and even Charlie must love her to put up with her shit for this long. I'm jealous, there's no doubt about it. As I watch, Louisa saunters into the kitchen, every bit the supermodel she was in school. Now a beautiful woman who is sleeping with him, she is sharing a bed with him, doing God knows what, with him. I feel sick. Of all the people he had to pick her, seriously, was he trying to piss me off?

As I look at them laughing in all their gorgeousness, I smile to myself. I'm here in my tatty jeans, no make up, ponytail, specs on, and I'm meant to be the big star, the famous singer, Anne Elliott. It was like I was being transported back to that school hall watching 'The Crew' all over again. I was never happy being the centre of attention. It go so much worse when Fred and I were together. Lizzie and Louisa especially, couldn't understand why he would chose the shy timid glee club singer when he could have had any girl in the school. And to be honest I never understood either. But when I was him he made me feel like I was the most important person in the room. Like he really could see any other girls, only me. I always trusted him I knew it was me he wanted. He loved me when I was the nerdy little sister in the back of the school hall. Before all of the fame and stuff came along. The things my dad had said to him. God he never had it more wrong. I could have, should have been happier.

As if I need breaking from my memory, I suddenly feel a sharp pain in my side and a weight on my back, one of the twins, I'm not sure at this point which, has jumped on my back and is now kicking me in the side wanting me to get up and give him a piggy back ride. Jesus, when did these kids get so heavy? I look down at Nicky laughing at me and realise Jack must be the monster on my back.

"Come on Jack sweetheart, aunty Anne isn't really up to this today, I'm tired and you're too big."

He tightens his grip, I fall forward and try to steady myself, on my hands and knees in the mud - figures.

"Come on Aunty Anne, giddi-up!" He kicks me again. Christ it hurts! Little sod!

"Jack come on I mean it now you're hurting aunty Anne. I need to get up. Let me get up."

Nicki is now egging him on. I can feel myself sweating. I need something to hold on so I can get to my feet. I look round frantically for something, anything. My eyes are watering now as Jack's grip round my neck tightens. I'm struggling to breath. Jesus Christ. I'm going to suffocate. I am going to die right here in the garden, death by kid piggy back. I can see the headlines now. I daren't raise my eyes to the window wall because if Mary and Louisa are there, I will most definitely die of shame before strangulation! I manage to move his chubby little arm away from my face long enough to pull in a deep breath and speak.

"Jack, I'm getting really angry now, don't make me get mummy." I huff out.

This of course doesn't thwart him in the least, obviously Mary is not a big threat around here. Just as I am thinking its hopeless, I feel the weight being lifted and turn to see Freddie holding back Jack. I struggle to my feet. The oxygen finally filling my lungs. I take some deeps breaths trying to ready myself. Hands on my hips. Head down blowing out long breaths. I look at him. Knowing I'm sweating and breathless. What a way to impress? I try to find words, but my heads a mess. I just stand panting.

"Come on Jack that's not very nice is it? We don't hurt girls, say sorry to aunty Anne."

Jack looks up at the imposing form of Freddie, and immediately apologises, before running off. Nicky obviously worried he too may get told off, swiftly follows.

Before I get to say thanks for my rescue, he turns and leaves, without saying a word.

And it hurts.