Oliver: Hey Harry. So, I was thinking, since Dementors want to feast on you, and it's the reason we lost that last game, I was thinking…I mean, I don't want to, since you're a great Seeker, but for the sake of the team…
Harry: Professor Lupin's gonna teach me how to fight dementors.
Oliver: …would you like to be team captain when I leave?
Harry: What?
Oliver: You're right, Angelina should get it before you. Anyway, how's the hunt for a new broom going?
Harry: Hermione got my new Firebolt confiscated the day I got it.
Oliver: WHAT?! That bitch…
Harry: Something about it maybe being jinxed by Sirius Black.
Oliver: THAT…sounds reasonable?
Harry: Wood, are you okay?
Oliver: …I mean, you've played on a jinxed broomstick before, right?
Harry: Look, if you want me to get it back, you may need to ask McGonagall about it.
Oliver: You're right. It's time for Sean Biggerstaff to show her my Biggerstaff *leaves*
Ron: Why do I get the feeling this is going to end in a very Seamus way?
Seamus: Should I let Madam Pomfrey know when I get there?
Harry: Classes haven't even started yet. How did you hurt yourself already?
Seamus: Well, I was trying an alternative to the Alohomora charm, and, well, long story short *drops his pants, revealing a lock from a door around his dick*
Harry: That'd be right. Come on Ron, we've got Divination.
*at Divination*
Trelawney: Okay students, we are now moving on from tea leaves…
Class: HOORAY!
Trelawney: …and moving on to palm reading.
Hermione: Um, Professor?
Trelawney: Yes child?
Hermione: How the fuck are you supposed to learn anything about the future from someone's hand?
Dean: Especially Seamus's. I'm pretty sure his hands have third degree friction burns.
Trelawney: Oh, it's quite easy really *grabbing Harry's hand* See, this is the life line, and…oh, yours is so short.
Harry: We're still doing that, are we?
*later, after Defence against the Dark Arts*
Harry: So, about those dementor fighting lessons…
Lupin: Oh, you were serious about them?
Harry: You weren't?
Lupin: Well, it's not like we can just grab one of them and ask them to stand still while you viciously assault it. Besides, isn't there another teacher you could ask?
Harry: The only other teacher that might be able to help is McGonagall, and I'm not asking her because I'm still kinda miffed at her for taking my Firebolt.
Lupin: *muttering* Damn it Sirius, I told you not to draw attention to yourself.
Harry: What was that?
Lupin: Err…how's Thursday for you? Great, see you then *pushes Harry out of the classroom*
Ron: What was that about?
Harry: Dunno. Maybe he's still sick.
Hermione: *eye twitch* Yes…of course.
Harry: Did you hear anything?
Ron: No I did not. Let's go to lunch.
Hermione: Guess you're ignoring me then *Harry and Ron flip her off as they go past* Oh, real mature assholes.
*Thursday night*
Harry: Hi Professor.
Lupin: What the…oh yes, Harry. Please, come in *holding down the lid of a trunk*
Harry: What's in there?
Lupin: Oh, this? It's a dementor.
Harry: You got one to agree?
Lupin: Hell no, that's why I had to cram it in the case.
Harry: Wait, WHAT?!
Lupin: The spell you need is Expecto Patronum. Think happy thoughts, and good luck *opens the chest*
Harry: God damn it *holds his wand out*
Dementor: Noms for me. Come to me.
Lily: *echoey voice* NO! Don't kill my baby.
Voldemort: *echoey voice* Come on, let me kill your baby. And don't even think of pulling some deus ex machina crap on me.
*later*
Harry: *getting off the floor* Well, that was unpleasant.
Lupin: Ready for round two?
Harry: What? *Lupin opens the case* Son of a bitch.
Dementor: Gimme my noms.
James: Lily, take Harry and run.
Lily: But what about you?
James: Don't worry, I can take him.
Voldemort: Avada Kedavra *flash of green before Harry blacks out*
*later*
Harry: *waking up again* I swear, if you do that one more time…
Lupin: I actually haven't put it away this time.
Dementor: My noms. MINE!
Harry: Son of a fuck. Expecto Patronum *silver flash flies out of Harry's wand, hitting the dementor*
Dementor: Noms hurt me. Noms no fun anymore *flies out window*
Lupin: Wait, you succeeded? Err…I mean, congratulations, you did it.
Harry: Well, it was that, or lose a soul. I know what I prefer. Also, I heard my father that time.
Lupin: You heard James?
Harry: You knew him?
Lupin: Oh, yeah, quite well. I mean, the shenanigans we got up to, I'm honestly surprised McGonagall hasn't retired yet…
Harry: Which means you knew Sirius Black.
Lupin: Oh…Harry, I don't know where this is going, but…
Harry: Don't worry, I'm not going to confront him.
Lupin: Oh thank God.
Harry: I'm just going to send Hedwig to the place he would most likely be and get him to sign my Hogsmeade permission slip.
Lupin: That seems incredibly stupid. You don't need to go to Hogsmeade to experience all its wonders. Here, I've got a bottle of Butterbeer for you. You wouldn't have had that yet.
Harry: Nah, I've had it.
Lupin: Really? You've had something that's strictly forbidden from being brought into the castle?
Harry: *eye twitch* Ron brought it back.
Lupin: Really? He was smart enough to smuggle contraband into the school?
Harry: Err…I mean Hermione?
Lupin: The straight O student who never breaks any rules?
Harry: …Neville?
Lupin: Come on Harry, how stupid do you think I am?
Harry: …gotta go *runs out before Lupin can stop him*
*after the next Transfiguration class*
Harry: So, Professor, about my Firebolt…
McGonagall: You can't have it back yet.
Harry: Okay, yeah, sure, but…uh…how about now?
McGonagall: No.
Harry: Now?
McGonagall: No.
Harry: Now?
McGonagall: If you ask one more time, I'll do what I did to Oliver Wood to you.
Seamus: Don't do it dude. Even I don't want my dick that messed up.
Harry: So…that's a no then?
McGonagall: *glaring furiously* You know what? Take it *pulls out Firebolt* Sure, it might still be jinxed, but if it will shut you up, I don't fucking care.
Harry: *takes broomstick* Glad to see you agree.
*outside the Gryffindor Common Room*
Neville: I swear I'm a Gryffindor student. You must have seen me come out this morning.
Cadogan: A likely story. What kind of student forgets my list of passwords?
Harry: What sort of portrait guard has thirty seven passwords that somehow spread evenly across the week?
Cadogan: Oh, you think you know it?
Harry: Oddsbodikins.
Cadogan: Hmpf, lucky guess *opens*
Harry: Come on Neville *walks into Common Room, only to hear the portrait slam behind him* What the?
Cadogan: We just crossed into the next password, which he doesn't know.
Neville: Harry, help *silence* Harry?
*in Common Room*
Harry: Well, I got my Firebolt back.
Hermione: See, I told you you'd get it back once they de-cursed it.
Harry: I never said they did that.
Hermione: Wait, does that mean…
Harry: So, how have you been getting to all your classes? You've managed to avoid missing a single one, despite them being in different places at the same time.
Hermione: Well, you see…
Ron: Hermione *holds up a sheet* What. The fuck. Is this? *Harry and Hermione see blood stain with a ginger hair stuck in it*
Hermione: Oh shit…