The sun is bright blaring down on them as they walk to the small shop where Feliciano has decided they should get groceries for the day. It's a little weird standing so close together but Luciano can't find it in himself to hate it. It's pleasant really the soft warmth that comes from Feliciano as if he radiates it. In a way he must. This Italy, an entirely different one that the one he's used to, is inviting. His own home is colder, sharper. Never would he walk so close to someone before.
The thought of his old home sends a sick feeling to his stomach. He misses it obviously but the way it is almost feels wrong. It's a part of him, it is him, and yet he feels wrong. His whole life has been constant training and getting stronger. In reality the way his country turned out is nothing short of all the suffering he has gone through and inflicted.
"Luci?" The soft call of his voice snaps out of his depressing thoughts. He glances at Feliciano who stares back with eyes to impossibly innocent. He doesn't respond.
"You were spacing out. Are you okay?" Feliciano steps a little closer into his space, taking his hand gently to give it a soft squeeze. Luciano's eyes snap down at the motion but does not pull away. Softness and kindness are things deemed unacceptable to him. Forced to be stern and silent and downright cold. A small inkling of guilt worms through him at accepting the warmth as if he knows he doesn't deserve it.
"Fine," He bites out. It's a lie and the small pout on Feli's face tells that he knows it's a lie too. The conversation does not continue, but the hand in his does. Luciano finds his eyes glued to the small hold as they continue on their walk. He's bitter now thinking back on his life. Cruelty had become second nature, easy as breathing even to his own brother. How many times had he broken Flavio's hand for putting it near him.
He squeezes his hand unconsciously, flinching when a small squeeze is returned. He snaps his eyes up to Feliciano who is still walking with a smile on his face, unaware of the inner turmoil Luciano is going through. Luciano doesn't mind him not knowing but a small part of him wants to tell Feli, wants to tell someone.
They finish their small shopping trip with a little more awkwardness than usual as Luciano's thoughts are still running rampant in his head. Nervousness crawls inside him as Feliciano sings in the kitchen, messing with the food they just bought for a nice dinner. Luciano swallows down the fright, barely knowing how to do so since he's never had to experience fright before. At least not for a very long time.
"My home is cold," Is what he finds himself saying as he rounds the corner to lean near a counter. Feli pauses to stare at him, eyes blinking curiously wide and innocently again. Innocent in a way Luciano could never attain.
"There's not as much color, people don't talk to each other," He goes on. He shifts and wraps his arms around himself. He's never felt so small. Feliciano puts down his utensils to come closer.
"I've raged war on so many nations. I've killed people," He takes a chance to glance up at Feliciano who has yet to look at him with some sort of pity. For that he is thankful. He doesn't want pity.
"My grandfather-" Here his voice chokes. He clenches his jaw tight to keep himself together, holding a hand up to Feliciano when he makes a move to come closer. After all this time there are still some things he refuses to have help on.
"Chose me as his main heir, brutally abused my brother, and trained me to be a ruthless monster." The confession does not come easy. His body shakes though he wishes it doesn't. He wishes he hated all the things he's done and deep down it's what he wanted. Brainwashed into thinking that way by a man who beat him within an inch of his life because it would make him stronger.
"This kindness is not for me," He says. It's sadder than he means but no less true. After all the bloodshed there is no possible way to warrant any kind of gentleness given to him by anyway and especially by Feli. Still it does not stop Feliciano from taking the last few steps and snuggling right into Luciano to hug him tight.
"Everybody deserves kindness," Feliciano whispers. Luciano grits his teeth, glaring over Feli's shoulder. He should have expected something like this from Feli. Patient to a fault and forgiving in a way that Luciano knew he would never be capable of. He does not cry as he slowly returns Feli's embrace, his hold growing tighter with every second.
"It's okay Luci," Feli says to him. He has a hard time believing that but the words make him feel better. Safe. If he never leaves Feli's arms he doesn't have to go back. He pulls back at the thought that races through his mind. Feli smiles sweetly to him and goes back to his food work. Luciano's heart pounds in his chest. A new kind of wanting enters him. Different from the kind of conquering a nation, sweeter is this feeling.
He wants to stay with Feliciano for as long as he can. It's warm and kind. Never one to deny himself his wants he steps closer and hangs by Feliciano as he works. Maybe with Feliciano he can be kind. Maybe then he can forget about all the ruin he's caused. Maybe with Feliciano he can find something he's never been given before.
As much as he tried, Allen could not let go of the idea of being a problem to Alfred. How many annoyances he's caused. How shitty he acted in the beginning is not something to be forgiven lightly. He pushes down the idea that Alfred has probably already forgiven him. It seems like the kind of thing Alfred would do and it makes it all feel worthless.
Allen knows better than anyone that he's the trouble maker of his world. Always causing problems and not helping others when they ask for it. He doesn't want to get involved though. The idea of disappointing someone if they actually need him is crushing. He would never try to impress them. They would insult him either way.
Alfred though never expects anything from him. He just makes it out like he wants Allen to be happy and that's almost worse. Allen is sure he'll find a way to fuck that up too. He pulls the blanket on his head tighter, hiding under it on the couch while Alfred is out. His mind keeps going to those kind smiles given to him. So bright and happy. He smiles at the image but that smile slowly fades.
He's not worth those smiles. Part of him wishes Alfred would stop them. He knows this can't last. Alfred will get tired of him soon enough. He lets out a bitter laugh. He really should know better than to get his hopes up. He meanders off the couch, nearly tripping over the blanket corners when Alfred comes bustling back inside with a few bags slung over his arms.
"Hey," He greets a little breathlessly as he slides past Allen and into the kitchen. Allen feels like he shouldn't but he pads after if not just to see Alfred smiling to himself as he works on putting his things away. He jumps when Alfred suddenly looks to him, the smile he's come to adore slipping off his face.
"You okay?" Alfred steps carefully over the bags to get to Allen, reaching out to tilt his head up so he can see him fully. Allen just stares wide eyed back. Alfred moves to run a hand through his hair but Allen wiggles out of his hold before he can, shrouding himself more in the blanket.
"Peachy," He says to Alfred and makes a move to walk away when the back of his blanket gets stuck. He jerks back, stumbling as he does only to be caught perfectly by Alfred who stepped on the blanket to get him to stop in the first place.
"What's the matter?" Alfred wraps his arms around him, resting his chin on Allen's head. Allen scoffs mostly to himself and tries to squirm but Alfred picks him up instead.
"Hey!" He shouts but he's dropped to the couch where Alfred sits on him to keep him still. Allen glares up at him, not impressed by the glare Alfred gives back.
"You've been mopey," Alfred tells him as if he doesn't know. Alfred crosses his arms like a child. Allen tries to push him off but Alfred is stronger in that regard, sneaking his arms the right way to pull Allen to him.
"Did I do something to make you upset?" Alfred asks and Allen can feel his heart crack. He snaps his head up so fast he almost gets whiplash.
"How the fuck did you come to that conclusion?" Allen feels downright guilty for making Alfred think that. How could he be so stupid as to let Alfred think like that.
"Well I did eat your ice cream.." Alfred trails off and Allen barks out a small laugh. Leave it to golden boy to make him laugh in a situation like this.
"I bought you more though," Alfred says cheerfully, angling Allen's head to smile at him properly. That makes Allen feel worse. He didn't mean to make Alfred spend even more money on him. He clenches his jaw tight and moves to push Alfred off him again. He manages to get free, walking back to his given room without his blanket.
"Is this about that whole housing you thing?" Allen freezes. Partially yes, it is, but he didn't plan on telling Alfred that.
"Aw shit man," He can hear Alfred walking over to him. He simply lets himself be turned around when Alfred gets to him.
"You're not a burden to me," Alfred tells him gently, earnestly like he has to make Allen believe it. Allen finds his eyes wandering up to finally look Alfred dead on. He swallows his nerves.
"I fuck up everything," Allen mumbles. Alfred shakes his head at that.
"I mean, I really like having you around," Alfred smiles to him sheepishly and Allen can't help the bubble of hope that builds inside him. He throws away the thoughts of Alfred not really meaning it to hide in Alfred's chest for a hug. Alfred giggles and fully returns the embrace.
"It's been fun with you here," Alfred continues on. Allen swallows down his feelings. He's never felt more happy and carefree than the months spent with Alfred. He's never had someone want him around long enough to actually question that they mean it and just tolerate him because they have to. He pulls back slowly to shift in his spot. He freezes again when Alfred places a small kiss to the side of his head.
"Seriously, it's nice having you here," Alfred says to him sweetly then walks back to the kitchen to finish putting things away. Allen can feel his cheeks heating up. Alfred is always so genuine. Hope is trying to tear him apart from the inside out. He won't dare bring up the adoring feelings inside him, but the fact Alfred wants him around is unbelievable. It helps remove the idea that he isn't the worst.