April 10, 1916
Lucy and I sat in the backyard and watched the kids play. I watched them and wished I was that young again, without any care or worries really…
"What're you thinking about," Lucy asked me suddenly.
I looked over at her slowly and said, "I'm thinking about the past.. Even though I know it's probably not healthy to. I always dreamed of getting away from him, but now that I am… I mean, I feel like I'm just on a vacation or something. That I'll be going back there soon, and I'll pay for what I did wrong. My whole family was just so messed up to begin with. My father was just too aggressive and depressed, my mother careless, and Cal was my best friend, but he turned into my father kind of. I just thought that he would be there for me always, and now that he's not… I still feel bad for leaving him. I love Jack to death, but I feel like I have to choose, almost choose between what's right, and what's easy."
I looked away from her, and she grabbed my hand.
"You're a good person, Rose," Lucy said. "And I believe that just the fact you're thinking about these things means you're doing the right thing. I can't even imagine really what you're going through though. But I think that only you can help yourself at this point. And I know that you can do it, it just takes time, like everything does."
That night, I took my time tucking in the kids and spent more time with them before lying down. I asked Jack to come sit with me in Marshall's room for a while, just sitting, no talking. He held me close as I thought back to the night Marshall was conceived. We were so young, and we still are, but we've gotten through so much.
I decided to call my mother. She had finally awoke and was sent home after a week and a half.
"Hello?" I heard my mother's voice say.
"….Hello, mother," I answered.
"Rose? My God, is that you, Rose? What are you doing?!"
"Wha…What do you mean, what am I doing? I just wanted to tell you I love you, and I miss you. And that I hope you're okay.."
"I thought you died," she cried with anger. "I have no one anymore, Rose. Where are you, and what have you been doing?"
"Uh, do you still talk to Cal at all?"
"I hardly ever see him… And when I do, he's a terrible wreck. Rose, you need to come home right now!"
"But I don't want to," I calmly told her.
"What do you mean? What is your problem?"
"I really wish I could understand you, and I really wish you could understand me. I have no idea what to do, or what to say anymore, and I feel so scared and lost. What am I supposed to do?" Jack sat down next to me as I cried into the phone, tears were streaming down my face as I talked to my mother for the first time in almost four years, and she made it seem it had only been five days.
"Come home so we can get back to our normal lives!" my mother screamed. "You already messed up the years you've been away! Cal's going to be very upset and happy when I tell him you called me, Rose."
"Fine. Tell him. I don't care anymore!"
I hung up the phone, and almost felt a little better than before I had called her. I was trying to straighten things out, but I didn't know how to do it the right way.
I sighed and said to Jack, "Come to bed with me, my love."
I slept better that night than I had for a month.
April 20, 1916
Jack and I had decided to both get different haircuts than the usual. I decided to straighten my curls, and cut my hair to about shoulder length, and then I dyed it dark brown. Jack simply just cut his hair short. I had talked him into doing it with me, but I really just wanted to disguise myself a little bit. I was sure Cal would soon be on my trail again after my mother told him about my out of the blue phone call.
Afterwards, Jack and I took the kids to a nearby park. I decided to ask him about work, to get my mind of off everything else. He was really enjoying his job, and I hadn't written in a while. I wanted to learn how to draw like Jack could. Sometimes I would sketch bad drawings of the children in the backyard or the living room.
"Hey," Jack said over the children's excited screams. "You know there's a carnival coming into town next weekend. Why don't we find a babysitter for the kids and go with James and Lucy?"
I smiled at him. "We never did ride those roller coasters, did we?"
"Well how about it? You need something to get your mind out of….wherever it's been. I'm sure we'd all have a lot of fun."
"Yeah," I laughed, "I would really enjoy that."