This Army Life
By Nicolle
1st Note: This one is short, but sweet.
2nd Note: OOC-ness ahead.
3rd Note: Oh God, I hate Giles.
Disclaimer: Final Fantasy belongs to Square-Enix. Apologies to Rowan Atkinson.
Episode Twelve: New Pet!
"Sir! Sir!" Giles ran into the tent and Sephiroth stuck out a foot to trip him. The Private didn't have the decency to hit the ground.
The General glared at him. "What the hell do you want?"
Giles jumped up and down like a small child on a sugar high. "I got a new pet! I got a new pet!"
"You aren't allowed to have pets in the camp, Giles."
"But you'll love him! He's the greatest pet in the world! Here! Look!"
Sephiroth looked up from the papers on his desk. For a moment, time froze and The General just stared, mouth hanging open. Then time snapped back into place. Sephiroth fell backwards trying to get out of his chair and hit the ground.
"See? Isn't he great?" Giles set his pet on the ground. "Here! You can play with him!"
Sephiroth scrambled backwards before crawling to his feet and running out of the tent. "ZACK!!! WE HAVE AN EMERGENCY!!!"
Zack came around the corner just in time to be grabbed by his friend and hauled into the nearest tree. "Yo, Seph! What's the problem? You look like you've seen..." He turned to see a small green creature in a brown robe holding a lamp come out of the tent. "...a Tonberry. Holy Mother of God..." Zack looked around desperately. "It's only a baby. We can out run it."
"Only until its daddy gets here."
"Okay. Okay. Let's try to bribe it. Maybe it will leave."
Sephiroth looked at his friend. "We don't have anything to give it."
"What about materia?"
"I don't know about you, but mine's in the tent and so is Masamune."
"Shit." Zack patted his pockets. "I've got half a sandwich and some gil."
"Look! It's walking away!"
"Oh thank God."
Both generals relaxed, then bolted out of the tree screaming:
"CLEAR THE CAMP! THERE'S A TONBERRY ON THE LOOSE!"
Meanwhile...
Giles knelt down with some moldy bread in his hand. "Here little guy. I got you some dinner."
The Tonberry stepped toward him slowly. A flash of metal and Giles stepped away.
"I forgot your water dish."
The Tonberry grumbled and shuffled toward Giles. Giles put the water dish down with a thud, splashing the brown robe. The light in the lamp flickered out. The Tonberry growled and lunged for Giles, only Giles was already walking out of the mess tent. It followed. Very slowly.
After the Panic...
"Okay. The camp has evacuated along the supply route back to North Corel. The only people left are you, me, and Giles."
Sephiroth picked up Masamune. "Please refrain from referring to Giles as 'people.'"
"Come on, Seph. Be nice."
"I'll try being nicer if he tries being smarter. However, I believe the effort would kill us all."
"All right. All right. Let's just kill this thing." Zack took a few steps forward and stopped. He checked his sword and his wrist band. "Uh, do you have any Restore Materia?"
Sephiroth paused and checked his equipment. "No."
"We are so screwed."
Sephiroth patted his friend on the shoulder. "Come on, Zack. Let's go take this up the ass like men."
"You know, Seph? You're right. Giles is a god damn plague."
"And one day I will be forced to destroy all of Nibelheim just to get him."
Zack hefted his sword and they stalked deep into the camp.
Carefully checking tent after tent, the generals moved slowly to avoid being caught off guard and stabbed in the back with a large butcher knife. The Tonberry suddenly appeared up ahead, walking toward Giles' tent. The generals moved behind it, slowly.
In the Tent
Giles pulled out a Frisbee. "Here, little guy! Let's go play!" He tossed the Frisbee and it hit the Tonberry in the head. The thing crept toward him, lamp held high. "Ah. You missed it! Let's try again." Giles stepped over the brown robed creature, avoiding the knife by dumb luck yet again. The Tonberry grumbled as it got another Frisbee toss to the back of the head.
Outside the Tent
Sephiroth and Zack nodded to each other, swords ready for battle. They pulled back the tent flaps and Giles burst out with the Tonberry on a leash, dragging it through the dirt, face first. "It's time for your walk!"
The generals just watched, dumbfounded.
Giles dragged the poor creature all the way out of camp and into an open field before finally stopping. The flames of hate surrounded the creature, but Giles took no notice, instead, he threw more Frisbees at it. The knife flashed and the Tonberry began to stalk its prey.
"Oh, you shouldn't have a knife! They're dangerous!"
The Tonberry suddenly found himself disarmed. He reached back and found that his spare knife of doom was still in place. He lifted his lantern and crept up to Giles. Giles pulled his leash and he went flying backwards before hitting the dirt and landing in front of the generals.
Completely ignoring the sword wielding men, the Tonberry crawled to its feet and went after Giles.
"It could just be me," Zack said, "But I think it wants to kill Giles."
They watched as the Tonberry, even when close enough to strike, ignored the generals in order to go after Giles.
"I think your right."
"Bets are on. My money's on the Tonberry," Zack said and pulled out a hundred gil.
Sephiroth snorted. "Giles has survived me. I hope against hope I lose, but I'm betting on Giles." He matched the hundred. "Let's hit the canteen."
"But there's no bartender."
"Like we don't know how to serve ourselves. Come on."
The both walked to the bar. "How will we know who wins if we're over there?"
Sephiroth shrugged. "The Tonberry will come for us next."
"Good point."
About Four Hours Later, In the Canteen
Giles skipped into the bar, the Tonberry dragged behind. Sephiroth took a sip of his whiskey and watched as the Tonberry slowly followed Giles across the room. Sephiroth looked down at the little guy. "Just give up. I've been trying a lot longer than you."
The Tonberry put away the knife and slowly climbed onto the chair next to The General. Zack passed him a glass of whiskey. All three took a drink.