A/N from Josie: thank you for reading and sticking with the story. I hope y'all have/had a lovely holiday season xx
I had lost track of days. They bled into each other, and the week seemed, if anything, never ending. We had returned from America and had basically crawled up the stairs to the apartment, our bags feeling as if they were filled with rocks rather than clothes and our minds focusing solely on getting rest and laying down on the couch or in bed. Sleep was inevitable, and time was irrelevant as jet lag messed with our already screwed up sleeping patterns.
Somehow Phil had found the motivation to make a video and I lay on his floor while he read out facts about jet lag. We were insanely awake, surprisingly so seeing as it was around one in the morning and we had done nothing all day but complain about not being able to sleep yet. Dan, however, was lying on the couch, still recovering from the book he had read on the flight home. I had laughed at him, telling him, "I told you so," when handing him the hot chocolate with mini marshmallows I had promised him.
"We need milk!" Phil exclaimed.
"Wait why? This isn't turning into a weird fanfic is it?" I asked, sitting up, semi-tired eyes wide.
"Nooooooo!" Phil whined, pulling a disgusted face. "Apparently it helps with jet lag."
"I don't believe it, but let's give it a shot."
He switched off the camera to save the battery and walked out of the room. I remained stationed on the floor as I battled with both sleepiness and wide-awakeness. Five minutes later, Phil walked back into his room with two wine glasses filled with milk. I sat up as he handed me mine and hopped back onto his bed. Switching his camera back on, he swirled the liquid in the glass.
"Only true men drink their milk out of a wine glass," he said seriously, taking a sip. "Sophisticated."
"Yeah, no I don't think it's working," I said, when my eyes still stung with want of sleep.
"Yeah - I'm still awake," he said, putting his glass down on the floor.
He read through some more suggestions on how to possibly beat the dreaded jet lag, but when it started suggesting physical exercise and outdoor activities, he surrendered and we accepted our fate of permanent jet lag. He finished off his video and flopped down on his bed - his head hanging off the side.
"There was this really annoying kid on the plane – like two isles diagonal from us," I remembered out loud. "He had this whiny voice and all he did was complain that he wanted to stay at home while the rest of his family went to their Aunt Leah's wedding."
"I didn't notice him, I was watching other people I guess."
"Like who?" I asked, putting my legs up onto the end of his bed and lying down on the floor again.
"There was a really cute couple," he asked, watching his hair flop towards the ground, and seeing how far he could lean off the bed before he started falling. "Did you see them?"
"Maybe," I said, throwing up a hacky sack which I'd found under his bed, and catching it quickly as it descended down towards my face. "Describe them to me."
"They would be the internet's OTP if they were on tumblr; they just fit each other so well."
"Why do you say that?" I say, looking over at him.
"They were all cuddly - but not in the over the top public-display-of-affection kind of way. It made my heart melt a little, and I sort of wanted to brush my teeth just looking at them."
"That sweet were they?" I asked, laughing as he nodded. "I didn't see them and I people watched like, the whole flight."
"You were probably too busy sleeping to notice," he shrugged, a twinkle in his eye.
Dan was preparing to film his Truth or Dare video a couple of days later, shaming himself once more on the internet for the people's enjoyment. I watched him film, just like I had done with Phil - there was an honest curiosity in me about the way they did things and watching everything unedited and unfinalized was really interesting. Plus, watching Dan being a dick was also rather enjoyable.
"Everyone either wants to see Phan or Danbe," he sighed as he scrolled through his phone, looking for more things to do.
I put my hand on his shoulder. "You have to take one for the team, Dan - show the people what they want."
"Do you think so?" his eyes locked with mine and I nodded.
"I'll go ask Phil if he wants to make out with you," I said, a smile breaking out across my face.
Dan groaned, putting his head into his hand. "They would love that wouldn't they?"
"You bet they would."
"Not happening," Phil said, walking into the lounge with a bowl of cereal.
I pulled my duvet and pillows off of my bed, stripping the sheets and making sure everything was tidy for when Cat arrived. She had landed about an hour ago and was taking a cab to our place. We were trying to make everything as clean as possible, as apparently she'd never been here and would be here anytime soon.
We hadn't quite figured out where I was staying while she was here, as I had insisted that she take my room. I knew what it was like to have to deal with jet lag and how exhausting it was meeting large amounts of excited people - which she would be doing at Summer in the City - and I wanted to give her as much comfort as I could. Plus, it was Phil and Dan's apartment, and I didn't want either of them to have to give up their rooms, like they had both offered.
Dumping my bedding on the floor of Phil's room for now, I strolled down the hallway. Sitting on the stairs leading up to my room, I scrolled through Twitter, seeing if anything was new. Sarah had posted about the party she had gone to last night, and I quickly tapped out a reply asking if anything interesting had happened. In response, I got a tale of an old friend who had apparently tried to train to France in his drunk state, and a girl who we knew from pre-school who had embarrassingly flashed herself in front of everyone.
"Are you sure you don't want to take my room?" Phil said, walking out of the lounge with some empty drink cans in hand.
"Don't be stupid," I said. "I really don't mind."
"Tell me if you do change your mind," He said. "I'm friends with the sandman and can sort you out a good deal - a bed of dreams even."
"You're mental," I said after him, as he crossed the hallway to the kitchen and joined in his giggling.
When Cat arrived, we had a lunch. She told us about her flight and handed Dan his headphones while he smiled widely and held them tightly in his grasp. After lunch, we decided that we should probably get all the bedding ready for Cat, as she looked just about ready to pass out. Phil went downstairs to grab all the sheets and stuff while Dan and I made sure everything in my room was ready.
"I am here with Dan and Phil and Phoebe," Cat said to assumingly her camera.
"Hellooooo," Phil's voice travelled up to us.
"I'm at the hotel Dan and Phil," she continued to her vlog, and Dan rushed to the door, doing a little jump and saying hi, before turning back to my room.
I heard them keep talking as I scooped up Colin the Giraffe and put him by the door to be collected in a minute, with some other odds and ends. They were talking about the time difference from LA to London, and Dan was looking at his phone for the times.
"Daniel Howell," I said walking up behind him.
"Wha'?" he said, not even looking up.
"Pull up your goddamn trousers." As I said it, I pulled at the waist of his jeans, earning a scowl from him and a laugh from Phil and Cat.
"Yes, Mum," he drawled playfully, before returning to his phone app.
I awoke with a start, my heart pounding and sweat starting to form on my palms. Looking around, I searched for the loud noise which had awoken me. Finding nothing but the glow of the TV illuminating Dan's concentrated face in the darkness, I groaned - rolling onto my side and attempting to fall asleep once more. I was on the brink of sleep, though I was unable to get comfortable enough to drop off completely. The sound of Dan playing Bioshock into the night didn't seem to help either, and my sleep driven body made little noises every time a splicer attacked him.
After a couple of minutes, I heard the game go quiet. I felt the weight off the couch lift and I relaxed a bit, thinking Dan was going to go to bed and I could fall asleep once more. I heard the sound of a controller being placed onto a surface and the pattering of bare feet against the wooden floor.
"Come on," Dan mumbled, his arms wrapping around my waist and under my legs.
The part of me that was still awake comprehended that I was being lifted up by Dan, and it wanted me to tell him to put me down, to say that I didn't need to be helped. He held me delicately to his chest, and my sleep driven subconscious snuggled closer to him, placing my head on the crook of his neck and bathing in his warmth. He started walking, and I was too tired to even open my eyes. My hand grasped at his shirt as if I was scared to fall out of his arms and he held me a bit tighter.
"Here we are," he said softly, his breath coming out onto my neck as he placed me delicately into bed.
I snuggled into the pillow under my head and pulled the duvet up, under my chin. I fell asleep easily after that, falling into a peaceful blackness. When I awoke in the morning, I blinked away dreams and stretched out my arms. As my eyes focused, I noticed the weight beside me and the soft intake and the outtake of breath.
Sitting up, I let the duvet fall into my lap in lazy piles. Beside me, Dan stirred in sleep, his eyes fluttering open as his hands searched for the missing covers which had pulled away from his bare chest.
"I didn't want to keep you awake with the noises of the genetically modified," he muttered when he opened his eyes and saw my questioning stare. "Also, you were being stupid and wouldn't let us change your mind about sleeping on the couch."
I wasn't sure if it was exhaustion or the fact that I was sharing a bed with someone else – someone I fancied at that – but I had, had a nightmare-free sleep, which was rare these days. I had gotten so used to them, their lonely darkness and their skin-bubbling heat, that when I woke up with tears rolling down my face and sweat trailing down my neck, I didn't even blink an eye.
Dan stretched, and I avoided looking at his shirtless body. I was thankful for his decision of bringing me here, and I was also kind of angry. Angry because his choices had led me here, waking up in his bed wanting to kiss him more than anything out of thanks and longing. I said a quick thanks, flopping out of bed, stating that I was going to have a shower.
I sped down the hallway, down the stairs and into the bathroom. Locking the door, I ran the water and stripped of my clothes. When the water was at a temperature that I liked, I hopped in, letting the water wash over me. I let it wash way my agony of the past, and I let it wash away the frustrations I held towards my feelings for Dan. I felt every last emotion which I had noticed crawl beneath my skin slip away and I let the hot water pound into my back. I instead focused on fighting the darkness which was always there, always threatening to take over. Being with Dan kept those feelings at bay, but it wasn't good enough – it wanted more from Dan. It wanted love and un-realistically, a relationship, as if that could compensate for all the loss and all the ache inside me.
Was I really any better than all the girls who craved after Dan on the internet? No, I was better – surely, surely I was. I knew Dan, really knew him, unlike those people who stalked him for hours or days or weeks on the internet simply to find out what his favourite colour was two years ago or to find out what his past girlfriends were like simply to make themselves seem more appealing to him. I knew him, and I liked him and I could only hope he liked me too.