Pains of Sacrifice

Disclaimer: I own nothing

A/N:

Chapter 12 (Crumble)

"Well, it sounds like you had a great time." Andre placed a sandwich down in front of her and took a seat across from the table. Trina could hardly look at it, her appetite wasn't fully there. She was still shaken, seeing Rachel in her mind and trying to consider what sort of weird coincidence could have been thrown her way. "Robbie said the kid had a great time. Snapped a picture of you and Tori, in which she was lucky enough that all of the elements were presenting themselves at just the right time."

"She took a picture?" Tori smiled gently and glanced down at the table. Her fingers were trembling at the edge of the plate. "That's great. We spent the whole day looking at all the artwork, she's like me, favors pictures." After a minute, she shook her head abruptly. "No, no it can't be. It just can't."

Andre's eyebrow rose and he leaned back slowly. "You said she had the same dog toy?"

"Not sure if it's identical." She lifted her arm, stretching it outwards. "You see, when Tori and I were kids, we had a picture taken of us. I cut a small hole in the chest of that toy, inserted the picture and sewed it up…kind of like, giving the dog it's heart." He smiled at her and nodded, understanding her tale. "I didn't see the toy enough to notice any indication of that sewing job being there."

"What if it is?" She closed her eyes and turned her head away. Her head began pounding and her heart sank as she mulled over the possibilities. "It may seem too silly to you for it to be true; but what if that is your daughter? Your sister, in discovering herself and volunteering at an orphanage built around the corner from Hollywood Arts, has found your daughter."

"No." She practically screamed, her eyes flew open and she leaned forward. "Don't you understand, that's why she can't be my daughter." Tears begun to sting her eyes and she threw her hand to her chest. "I can't live with myself knowing that Rachel may have had a shitty life. Andre, I-I could have kept her, I should have. Do you realize how much that girl would hate me?"

"You didn't give her up to an orphanage, Trina. You gave her up with the expectation that she would be going to caring home." He chewed on a protein bar for a minute, swallowed and wagged the bar in the air. "Maybe it's a sign. Maybe you owe it to yourself and your daughter to do some investigating." Trina groaned and leaned her head back.

"It was so painful for me to give her up. Now, just thinking that she might be in that place, with no family…" She couldn't stand the thought of admitting anything; but the nagging voice in her heart told her to look into it. As though she already knew the answer. "Twelve years old, looks just like I did when I was her age, looks just like Jason when she's examining something." She chuckled softly. "You know, the eyebrows go flat and her eyes sharpen a bit, and this tiny little crease appears on her forehead…That is Jason to a T."

"You know what they say. A mother knows." Trina dropped her hand firmly on the table and exhaled, her eyes traveled down to her fingers and absently studied her nails. Tears ran down her cheeks and she wanted to wipe them away but didn't feel like moving any muscle in her body to do so.

"Andre." Her breath grew raspy and there was a small rattling to her voice. "I built myself up these last few years." She frowned deeply and shook her head. "I resigned myself to the simple facts that I would probably never see my sister again, my daughter; and of course I've moved on from Jason the best that I could. I've landed a supervisory position in the school district, and my life…has had some tremendous improvement." She turned her gaze into his and struggled on deep breathing. "Now Tori comes back, and just happens to befriend this child…" She placed her hand to her chest. "My child? Potentially? My entire world, everything I built up. Everything."

As the pace of her breathing grew rapid, she started to bow her head and clench her teeth. Andre rose from the table and walked over, carefully wrapping his arms around her. She leaned into him, cupping a hand over his arm and shutting her eyes.

Some time passed before they pulled apart, she felt a bit calmer now, but her mind was still racing a mile a minute. "I guess I should do some thinking. You need to head to that meeting of yours, right? Don't let me keep you any longer."

"Sure. You let me know if you need anything, okay?" She smiled at him and watched as he grabbed his phone off the kitchen counter. He studied it a moment and looked over. "Missed a text from your sister, she's wanting to hang out."

"Mm, bored?"

"I guess." He lowered the phone and lifted his eyes upwards. "You know, might be a good thing." She cocked her head to the side and he glanced at her. She knew he was forming a support group from the women that had come into contact with Tori's agent, Hudson, and his wife Barbara. "Maybe I could get Tori in on this. She's still dealing with those two idiots."

"Yes. It could be good for her."

"Right." He pocketed his phone and grabbed his jacket off a nearby barstool. "I'll swing by her place and take her over there. At least she'll know she's not alone in being victimized by those two."

Trina hated them, but in the present moment, she couldn't get her emotions to shift. She also had to stay and look after Andre's daughter for him, so she wasn't able to go with him. Granted, she had no business being at that meeting.

As he left the house, Trina slowly picked up her phone and called her father. Her voice was trembling still when he answered. "Dad, I-I think I might've found my daughter…but I don't know for sure, and I don't want it to be true."

"I'm sorry, what?" There was shock in his voice, he clearly wasn't expecting that to be the first thing out of her mouth. He cleared his throat. "What do you mean you think you found your daughter?"

"I don't know. It's just…Tori started volunteering at that orphanage." Her stomach grew tighter as fresh tears began fleeing her eyes again. "She's started looking after this young girl that's there." She slowed her voice down as if it would calm her nerves. "A girl named Rachel. She's twelve years old…has short brown hair, looks a little like I did when I was a kid, and she has a small gingham dog toy."

David was silent, and each second that went by without him saying anything filled Trina with greater anxiety. "You have any proof yet?" He said finally. She shook her head.

"Well no, it's all circumstantial, I guess. I certainly don't feel like ripping apart that stuffed dog."

"Oh?"

"Yeah, you remember that picture I put in there when I was a kid. That would be the one thing that would tell me for sure."

"That, and talking to the orphanage."

"True; but I don't want it to be true. Dad, I'm scared. All these years, I thought I did the right thing, I thought for sure I made the right choice."

"In life, that's the way it is. We have our decisions, our choices, and we live with those. All we can do is our best, and have faith that at the time we made our choices, that those were the best choices for that moment." He sighed. "You were going through a lot back then, Trina. You did what you felt was best, because you said yourself many times, you were in no shape to raise a child. That was then."

"Yeah, that was then."

"What about now? If you really had to…"

"Tori's asked the same question a couple times." She raised her shoulders. There was no doubt in her mind that she could do the job now. "Mentally I'm in a better place. Physically, emotionally, I'm doing well. I mean, I have a great job, I'm a responsible woman and I believe if I had a baby or a child today, I could do it. I have people in my life that could help me if I needed anything."

"So. If this Rachel is the one and the same, and she's at an orphanage…would you be willing to step up?"

Without a moment hesitation, she would. "Of course," she responded breathlessly, "But knowing that she's in an orphanage. Dad, you don't know how much that kills me."

"We cannot change the past, Trina. You don't know what led this girl to where she is do you? We don't know what her lot in life was." She nodded fervently and closed her eyes. "I recommend you go to that orphanage, find the head lady, and inquire about the child. If it turns out that she is the very same, then…well, you'll have to follow your heart, Trina. I can't say anything more than that. I have complete faith in you to make the right decision."

"Really?" She smiled through her tears, listening as her father chuckled.

"As you said, you are in a much better place now than you ever were. Your mind is sharp as ever. So yeah, I know you'll make the right choice, whatever and whenever that may be."

"Thanks for the vote of confidence, Dad."

He chuckled again. It was warm and relieving for her to hear, giving her a sense of calm that she'd been needing. "You've always that, sweetheart. You know I love you." Her heart rose and she moved her fingers across her face, wiping away the tears.

"I love you too."

There was a pause. "Hey, you know what?" She hummed curiously. "If it turns out that child really is yours, well your mother may have gotten her wish." Her eyes opened wider and her jaw hung open.

He was right. "Oh my god, mom did volunteer there for a little. She spent time with the kids. Surely she would have run into Rachel too at some point."

"Yeah, so if that were your Rachel, then Holly got to spend time with her granddaughter if only for a moment."

"It's too bad mom couldn't be here right now…"

David exhaled and his voice quivered a bit. "Yeah, I miss her. Not a day goes by that I don't think about her." Trina sank a bit in the chair and looked up at the ceiling.

"For what it's worth, if I ever do actually meet my daughter while you're still alive, I'll make sure she meets you."

"Well, I hope I've got a few more years left in me." He laughed heartily and Trina grinned. "Go research and let me know what you find."

"I will. It'll have to be after the weekend, though. Tori asked me to lead a camping trip with her and Rachel over the weekend."

"That's great! You've got a chance to get to know the child and spend some time with your sister as well."

"I think I've spent ample time with Tori, to be honest. I'm just glad to say I haven't fallen into those old habits everyone kept warning me about. She's still my sister, I still love her; but I won't obsess."

"I'd say you have more pressing concerns in your life right now."

"Like what? Tori already thinks I've got nothing to live for." She laughed. "She's kind of right. Never married, never had-raised kids." Her laughter trailed off and she let out a shrug. "Oh well. At least I can look forward to camping."

"Sure. You know, you still have time to pursue your dreams too."

"I like my job."

"That's great, but you don't make a lot even as a head custodian. If I may, some advice."

Trina let out a nervous chuckle and grabbed a napkin, immediately shuffling it against the phone. "Sorry, Dad, I think I'm losing you."

"What? Hey! No, no, no you don't-I invented the paper over the phone trick!"

"Love you dad, I'll talk to you later!" She hung up and took a deep breath, then sank on the exhale.

So we've got that camping trip as you recall from Lessons. There's an important moment between Trina and Rachel, if you recall, so that'll be highlighted. Next chapter, they'll talk for the first time. You know what's coming soon after that; so it won't be long before the continuation truly starts to continue after Lessons ends.