A/N. Thanks to everyone reading again. And in case you were wondering – yes there is still a little ways to go yet.

Chapter Twelve: Explanations.

Considering how many tears Kate has shed the last week or so, she could not be happier than to be crying right now. Castle is looking at her with confusion in his bright blue gaze, but he's looking at her – and the miracle of that - Kate doesn't think she'll ever get over it.

She got back to the hospital late last night, her flying visit back to New York to confront Paula Haas accomplished in a day – and thankfully Castle's condition improved while she was away – when she got back, her relief at seeing him without the breathing tube again literally brought her to her knees in the doorway of his room.

She never made it back to Castle's rented California home – a quick call to Martha to let Castle's mother know she had returned, and Kate decided she would simply remain at Rick's bedside for the night. She sat up for hours, her mind thoroughly occupied with all she had discovered about Paula, and torn once more between hating the woman's guts and feeling some sympathy for the agent's plight.

She can't escape her own knowledge of how hard it is to be in love with Castle, but not be with him. How much harder must it have been for Paula after they'd slept together? Kate hasn't been able to let him go and they've never come physically closer than a single kiss – if they'd made love – well frankly it doesn't bear thinking about. Still, for the most part loathing for the woman is definitely winning out – Paula almost cost Rick his life – and for that Kate knows she just has no forgiveness. Not now – probably not ever.

By the time 3AM rolled around Kate had been losing the battle with her exhaustion and the need to somehow be closer to Castle was driving. She'd lain down beside him, feeling safe do so as his bed was wide enough to accommodate the pair of them, and no machines were cluttering things up now that he was once more breathing on his own.

Sometime in the night she'd obviously snuggled even closer, wrapping her arm around his torso as her head migrated to pillow on his chest. She slept well – felt rested even on a few hours for the first time in months and what woke her – might be the most amazing thing ever.

She rose to wakefulness through layers of dreams, and to the soothing feeling of fingers running through the waves of her hair. For a moment she simply enjoyed it, and then the knowledge of her whereabouts and whose fingers were tangled in the heavy silken mass registered. Tipping her head up she sought Castle's face and her breath caught in her chest - his eyes were still closed but his face was no longer a blank, expressionless mask. A smile fluttered around the upturned corners of his mouth and then as his fingers still their caress his eyes opened, blinking furiously as the light hit them for the first time in over a month. Kate waited, too stunned to move, and to frightened to say anything lest it break the moment. Would he still be Castle? Would it suddenly become apparent that he was indeed suffering from brain damage? And then he looks at her – right at her, and the fierce intelligence behind his eyes is still very much there. His voice, when he speaks is quiet, rusty and a little hoarse from disuse but it is still the sweetest sound she's ever heard.

"What are you doing here?" He asks and suddenly Kate can move, she launches herself upwards and starts kissing him, her love for him pouring out of her mouth in the instants when she can manage to drag her mouth from his.

For a couple of minutes that's all she can do, cry, kiss him and tell him how much she loves him, and then the relative lack of response from him permeates the haze of happiness in her brain and Beckett finally pulls back.

There is a long and awkward moment when they stare at each other, Castle is clearly uncomfortable and confused by her behavior and it occurs to Kate that she has no idea what – if anything he remembers.

"You're awake." She says, slipping from the bed and trying not to hate how much the loss of his body heat bothers her and how far she now is from the comfort she felt lying next to him.

He nods and squints his eyes, shielding them from the bright sunlight streaming in the window. It's clear the brightness is bothering him and Kate hurries to pull a curtain over the worst of it, plunging the room into a more comfortable dimness.

"Is that better?" She asks and he nods again.

"I'm in the hospital." He states as he looks around the room, "How long have I been here?"

Kate takes a deep breath before she answers him. "Almost five weeks."

Castle's eyes widen, he looks away and it's clear to Kate he's trying to recall what his last clear memory is.

"I don't remember what happened. Tell me what happened?" He demands.

Kate shakes her head. "I should let Martha and Alexis know you're awake Castle – they've been through a lot the last month." She tells him.

"No." He says firmly. "Why am I in here? Why are you here? It's nice to see you detective, but the last time we spoke . . . "Castle trails off and his eyes fall closed, he squeezes them shut as if trying to block out something very painful.

He's trying to mask his pain in her presence, and Kate cannot stand it, she seats herself next to him and buries her head on his chest.

"I lied to you Castle. I made you leave – I promise to explain why, but I need you to know that I've never been so wrong in my life. I need you to trust me right now okay? You'll get all the answers Rick – all of them, but I need you to tell me what you remember – how much can you recall right now?"

"Eight months without you." He says softly, and Kate risks raising her head to look into his face again.

She palms the side of his face with her left hand, and he captures it, pulling it into his field of vision he scans it – she knows what he's looking for.

"The article was a fake Castle. I'm not married – Josh and I broke up ten months ago – before you even left – I should have told you – I just – I'm so sorry I didn't." She tells him in guilty whisper.

His mouth opens and closes a couple of times before he manages to speak. "I'm not dreaming anymore – am I?" He asks.

Kate pinches him.

"Ow. Okay . . . not dreaming. I don't understand . . . so you need to explain to me Kate. I'm not sure what's real and what's a dream and I still don't know why I'm in here!" He pleads.

"You left New York because I told you we were through. No more partnership, no more friendship – things were done between us – that was nine months ago – roughly – you remember that?" Kate asks.

Castle nods. "Yeah. I remember. I moved to California, to be with Alexis."

"That's right. You started writing a book . . . do you remember anything about it?" Beckett asks next.

Castle nods again. Sadness etches into the lines of his face – clearly though he's not saying he also remembers what the book was for.

"You were battling a pretty bad case of depression during this, but finally things were getting better when Paula told you that I'd gotten married. You didn't take the news well." Kate tells him, wrapping his hand tightly in hers.

Castle looks at her with no trace of humor in his face. "No. No I didn't." He says. "But it's not true?" He asks.

Kate smiles, leans in and rests her forehead on his. "No it's not true; Paula lied to you Rick . . . she had the article faked to back up her story. When you're strong enough you can ask her why – she should be the one to explain her actions. What do you remember after that?"

Castle looks thoughtful. "Dreams. I remember dreams. Images and feelings mostly, everything is fading already. What happened to me Kate? Tell me."

She doesn't want to tell him, because he didn't mean it, but there is no way to protect him from this no matter how much she might like too.

"You OD'd, a mixture of alcohol and anti-depressants in a narrowly toxic dose Castle. It caused problems with your heart and it sent you into seizures that left you in a coma. Your mother found you, you've been in here ever since." She confesses, deliberately sticking to the straight facts and keeping it almost clinically short.

"Five weeks ago." He clarifies.

Kate nods. "Five weeks. Your doctors weren't sure you would ever wake up." She tells him, as gently as she can.

He looks stricken anyway.

"Tell me I didn't do this on purpose . . . I don't remember doing this on purpose." He says his voice breaking as the magnitude of everything sinks in.

"You didn't Castle. This was an accident. Everyone knows this was an accident, and nothing matters except that you're back now." The passion behind her words makes him stare at her.

"But why are you here? Why did you come here?" He questions, his gaze searching her face.

"Because like I told you when you first opened your eyes Rick . . . I love you; I've always loved you and if you'll forgive me for all those terrible things I said to you nine months ago I'll never spend a day apart from you again. I was miserable Castle . . . it wasn't just you suffering I swear. You let your emotions out and I just turned mine off so they wouldn't kill me . . . but I missed you every moment of every damn day."

He smiles and it's like Kate's seeing the sun for the first time. His smile has always had the capacity to leave her slightly giddy, but nine months without seeing it and the intensity of her response blows her away.

"You love me Kate?"

She nods. Bringing his hand up to her mouth she kisses the inside of his wrist.

"You came to get me back?" He asks.

Kate nods again. "Should never have let you go in the first place." She tells him.

"Okay." He replies.

"Okay?" She asks.

Castle nods. "It's a place to start Kate." He says, bringing her hand to his mouth and repeating her gesture by touching his lips to her wrist this time. Heat shoots down her arm and widens her eyes.

"I'd like to see Alexis now." He says, closing his eyes and breathing evenly.

Kate pulls the phone from her pocket and prepares to deliver some long-prayed for news.